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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if this happens to anyone else (About people disliking you)?

109 replies

IAmTheOP · 18/09/2015 16:47

I have a nice amount of friends and generally get on with everyone. I'd say I am a fairly popular person. I'm not a mean person or a bitch and like people and getting on with others.

However, every so often I will come across someone who absolutely hates me for reasons that I do not know or for very petty reasons, and will go out of their way to make my life a misery and to be nasty to and about me. I don't mind if people don't like me but I always seem to get the nasty ones that won't just leave things alone and are like a dog with a bone where I'm concerned.

Some examples:

When my youngest child was little I joined a FB forum for mums that had their babies around the same time. One weekend we all had a big weekend away together so we could all meet and have a night out.

From the instant that she met me, one mum decided that she did not like me and spent the whole weekend being an absolute bitch to me and/or bitching about me loudly to anyone that would listen. When the weekend finished she was such an arse to me on the group and so nasty that in the end I left the group as everyone seemed to think it was just a personality clash and no one actually stuck up for me when she was being horrible.

I have a 9 year old DD; for a couple of years at school initially she was friends with another girl. However in year 2 the girls were not in the same class and inevitably DD made other friends. I tried to keep the friendship going between the girl and DD though, inviting her round here when I could. The other mum however did not like DD having other friends and it all culminated in her phoning me up and shouting at me down the phone and telling me never to talk to her again. Fair enough, whatever, but since then she has been constantly bitchy towards me, making loud comments to others at school drop off and pick up, glaring at me, and bitching about me to anyone that will listen and saying how she hates me.

I did have this at school too; I was disliked immensly by one girl in my year, who wouldn't just leave it at not liking me, she hassled me for my entire 5 years at secondary school and made comments, etc.

Does anyone else get this? Like I said, I consider myself quite popular and have lots of friends and a good social life, but I also seem to attract rather extreme haters!

OP posts:

jonicomelately · 18/09/2015 19:44

It can't be a height thing as she's 5 "2

The height thing was an example summerconfusion!

Tirfarthoinn · 18/09/2015 19:48

I do think its more a sign of their prejudices and insecurities rather than a problem with me when people take an instant dislike to me, after all they only have their own beliefs to base it on. perhaps it is me after all

tobysmum77 · 18/09/2015 19:50

The idea that tall people don't notice short people is bollocks. I'm tall and have several short friends .

ArialBold · 18/09/2015 19:51

It happens to me from time to time, and it is always jealousy. It has taken my many years to realise it. Friends used to say 'Oh never mind X being a bitch, she is just jealous', and I'd think 'jealous of what? It must be something about ME, surely?' - but now I can spot it a mile off, and usually its not even subtle.

Most recent example was a woman at work, in my last job. She was frosty with me almost immediately, made catty remarks for a while, and then started blanking me totally. We didnt work in the same department, so it wasn't a major issue for me, but it felt unpleasant and unwarranted and I did wonder if I had made some kind of faux pas when we first met that had offended her.

Eventually, another colleague told me she had got drunk in the pub after work one night and started slagging me off saying 'Urgh, that Arial, flouting around with her big tits and tight dresses (jealous of my looks!)...always in the boss's good books (jealous of my professional success!)...' etc etc ...and then burst into tears and said it wasn't fair that I had kids and she couldn't even meet anyone.

Fucking hell. Talk about pick a random person and blame them for all your own insecurities and bad luck!

Looking back, almost every person who has ever been like that with me - instant dislike for no good reason, when I was perfectly pleasant - has been an insecure person and I can see the jealousy in retrospect. Its quite liberating once you realise its THEM and NOT YOU.

I kill these types with niceness, these days. It really throws them .

jonicomelately · 18/09/2015 19:52

I'm tall and have several short friends.

I give up!

Gatehouse77 · 18/09/2015 19:55

I'm aware that some people find my assertiveness a bit off putting, or my parenting choices, or my swearing (not in front of children but I can swear like a fish wife outside of that!) or ...?

For the most part I couldn't give a flying. I don't like everybody and so don't expect everyone to like me.

Now and again I wonder why I'm not included in various social events but when I see the fallings out, bitching, back stabbing, etc. that goes on, I'm thankful! I'm quite happy to be on the peripheral of different groups and have a few good, close friends. I also have a great relationship with my siblings (not problem free but always manageable) and I think this helps too.

Cherryblossomsinspring · 18/09/2015 19:56

I had this happen. Totally bizarre! Well I don't expect everyone to want to be friends but don't expect someone I've barely met to refuse to be places I am and actually tell mutual friends that if they invite me, she will not turn up. We never had words and probably had 2 short and pleasant conversations. Anyhow, I think the problem was that I joined a social group she was in, snared a seriously eligible and successful, strong and sexy man in the group (now dh), my career took off and everything just was going pretty perfectly for me. I believe that grated on her. But it was her problem, not mine.

gamerchick · 18/09/2015 19:56

Been there done that. There's one woman in her 50s who is the mother of a friend of mine and every time we've been at a mixed gathering she's ended up trying to stick the nut on me. I say trying

She's never been able to explain it when asked aside from saying I'm 'up myself' and 'smile too much'

I've always put it down as the alpha female thing where's I am not nor pretend to be a queen bee but neither do I take any shit from people. It's the inbetween place that riles some people. Plus she couldn't stand that I'm not scared of her. She's fine with me now it's most odd.

It happens just never let it dictate how you behave. This is there problem not yours.

hesterton · 18/09/2015 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 18/09/2015 20:01

*their

99percentchocolate · 18/09/2015 20:34

I have this, I generally find that when you dig a bit deeper it is because they are insecure, jealous, or just plain nasty. Can also be because they don't agree with how you lead your life - eg single mum, unmarried mother, let children watch TV, etc.
Best to ignore and let them get back to their own misery.

99percentchocolate · 18/09/2015 20:35

Yes yes to the alpha female thing too. Some just like to have all the attention.

SubUrbaneFox · 18/09/2015 20:46

joinmecomelately i get what you're saying, and agree. It's just that I don't like the example you give.... I've had tall people make snippy comments about small women, eg, ''she was like a little doll'' (said disparagingly) but this is a different thread anyway. A different discussion. So, I think you misunderstand me! I agree with your basic point just not crazy when you link height to beauty and assume that all the jealousy is from small women to tall women

BumgrapesofWrath · 18/09/2015 20:47

Think there is something in what you are saying Sub - I am confident and outgoing, but also fat and I have little interest in fashion (or making an effort with my appearance, though I do sometimes.) So yeah, I think some people think I have no right to be confident

BumgrapesofWrath · 18/09/2015 20:50

Just to add, this is happening to me right now - a woman has entered one of my friendship group and I can tell she hates me, and is trying to freeze me out. It is very odd!

SubUrbaneFox · 18/09/2015 20:52

Thanks, phew! I'm glad you get it. I'm not trying to offend anybody tall or short or polka dotted

But I agree, I think some people want your actual level of confidence to match the level of confidence that they themselves would have if they were YOU. so, for that reason, some people who definitely aren't jealous of me as they have more than I do, perceive my confidence as inappropriate or something.

jonicomelately · 18/09/2015 21:06

SubUrbaneFox I thought from your post that you didn't understand it was just an example but I understand if you don't like height being mentioned.

SubUrbaneFox · 18/09/2015 21:12

No I understood perfectly. I just thought the particular example portrayed small people as being jealous of tall people. ie small bad, tall good. And ime, although small people can feel a bit intimidated/overlooked by tall people, tall women can feel unfeminine around small women. But these are just generalisations. Most people are sane and secure even if they are short, or tall.

ChipsandGuac · 18/09/2015 21:14

I've had it a couple of times but to be fair, I can also think of one woman who rubbed me up the wrong way from the moment I met her and I have no idea why. It's just plain old human nature.

I didn't bitch about her though. I just avoided her.

Getyercoat · 18/09/2015 21:16

Yeah it's happened to me too.

I used to absolutely hate the "she's just jealous" excuses given but as I've got older that, unfortunately, is often the truth.

Cocolepew · 18/09/2015 21:17

My boss is like this with me, which is fun.

SubUrbaneFox · 18/09/2015 21:18

In the past when somebody has blanked me while being lovely to a mutual friend, I've tried to be nice to them even though they're blanking me. To act as though I haven't noticed. REcently I decided i would blank the woman back. She did notice. The atmosphere seemed to be even chillier. Before it was like, just her blanking me. NOw it seems like unsaid hostility. so I think I cranked it up a notch when I really don't feel comfortable with such pointless bad feeling

thehypocritesoaf · 18/09/2015 21:19

It's not always jealousy. Sometimes people dislike people. It might be they have character traits/looks/something they don't like. It might be they remind them of someone they disliked. Whatever the reason...don't let it get to you- it is their problem.

jonicomelately · 18/09/2015 21:19

You read too much into it then SubUrbaneFox as it really was just a very simple example as I have said repeatedly but you seem to want to ignore

Can I just add if any curly-haired, straight-haired, big breasted or small breasted people (the other examples I gave) are similarly offended I apologise unreservedly.

SubUrbaneFox · 18/09/2015 21:19

so, no idea what the answer is. I'm not sure i'd have the nerve to do the over the top niceness that some people do when somebody is being offish with them

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