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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

10 year old Brother very upset- Youtube video - WWYD

106 replies

notamum3210 · 15/09/2015 21:51

Hi,
this is more of a WWYD than an AIBU.
My brother (let's call him Tom Smith) is about to celebrate his 11th birthday and has sent out party invitations to 12 friends. He came home from school today and, after finishing his homework, said that he wanted to look up one of his friends who had a youtube channel. His friend, (lets call him Adam) has been uploading vlogs about all sorts of things (mainly gaming). Tom has been friends with Adam for years and has always regarded him as one of his closest friends - I've met Adam several times at school, birthday parties etc. and his family are lovely.

Tom and I are just relaxing, watching youtube videos on Adam's channel when we come across one 'interesting facts about me' video. Adam's first fact was that he had Asperger's Syndrome (Tom didn't know this before watching and asked me what that meant- I did my best to explain). Towards the of the video Adam said the following:

'Tom Smith, if you're watching this "I dislike you"....I don't know why I just have a massive problem with him'

We were both quite taken aback and Tom is really upset. He thought Adam was one of his closest friends and he's invited him to his birthday. I tried to comfort him and told him not to take it too personally. Our mum heard all of this going on and got quite angry...she wants Tom to uninvite him from the birthday party. I feel this is too drastic and that she should speak to Adam's mum (they're quite friendly though not close).

They're both 10 years old and I don't think things should be blown out of proportions. That said, I feel what a child that young uploads to youtube should be monitored quite closely. Just to clarify, he said my brother's name in full on the video....it's a very unusual name so it's definitely him.

What would you do in this situation? My mum tends to be quite brash and OTT in her judgements, I feel she may be be being unreasonable...any advice?

Thanks!

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 16/09/2015 10:11

"mum told Tom that Adam would need lots of support and that they should still stay friends."

I completely disagree with this. Whatever Tom did to upset Adam, Adam was completely wrong to upload a video saying he dislikes him! As others have said Adam needs to learn that his behaviour was not on. If Adam does not delete the video and apologise, there is no way Tom should stay friends with him. I can't believe your DM is saying he has to "support" someone who has been so hurtful and has no remorse.

Bunbaker · 16/09/2015 10:14

"This is cyberbullying - inform the school who will follow procedures all schools now have in place"

All schools don't have procedures in place for cyber bullying. In fact this is what DD's school say:

"We are unable to tackle issues that may occur between students as a result of the use of social media. We encourage parents to be vigilant regarding internet use and recommend that any problems or concerns are reported to the relevant authorities (for example; the police)."

I shall be raising this at the next parents evening as I feel this will give cyber bullies carte blanche to intimidate other students knowing that the police are far too under-resourced to deal with it.

annielouise · 16/09/2015 10:14

I'm glad your mum contacted Adam's mum. The video needs taking down. I would also tell the school, even just to say could they keep an eye on the relationship now especially as Adam's invite would be withdrawn. Why should he still come if he only tolerates Tom? I would say to his mother sorry but it's for the best. And tell Tom unfortunately it turns out he's not a friend and to build up his other friendships. I thought OP maybe you might have regularly taken your brother to school and might have naturally had some contact with Adam, rather than actively seeking him out and making it more of a big deal.

Original poster

notamum3210 · 16/09/2015 11:01

Adam's mum has replied- she said Okay it can be taken down but wouldn't be today as it was one of Adam's friends who created the account - thank you to whoever sent me the information about Youtube's age guidelines. I didn't realise you have to be 13+ to create an account. I suspect the friend who created the account lied about his age. There are other classmates on youtube so this looks like a widespread issue.

Also, Adam's mum has said that he can't make Tom's birthday party due to other commitments.

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

OP posts:

SouthWesterlyWinds · 16/09/2015 11:23

Well I think the latter part of that update is for the best

NameChange30 · 16/09/2015 11:34

Just because someone else created the account doesn't mean Adam can't delete the video. Adam has access to the account: he uploads videos which means he can remove them. I think your mum should insist it's taken down today. If Adam's mum claims he can't delete it himself then insist she calls the person who can.

I would also be telling her that Adam is not welcome at the party in any case and won't be invited in future unless/until he apologises.

Sorry but despite her initial outrage your mum doesn't seem to be particularly firm on this.

NameChange30 · 16/09/2015 11:40

You could also report the whole account to YouTube, if all the videos are of 10yo Adam then it will be very clear the account user is breaking the rules by giving access to an U13. With any luck they might suspend the whole account and what a shame that would be.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/09/2015 11:45

Adam's mum has said that he can't make Tom's birthday party due to other commitments.

Hmm. I bet. So the party came up in convo.? Or Adams mum's been mulling over it and decided to decline as she cant face OPs mum more like.

LobsterQuadrille · 16/09/2015 11:49

I've only just read this thread and OP, you have dealt with it brilliantly and your DB is very lucky to have such a supportive sister, as others have said. I am outraged that the perpetrator has become the victim in all of this though - down to declining the party invitation before it can be withdrawn (as it should have been, in the circumstances). Since Adam's mother doesn't seem particularly concerned or apologetic, hopefully the meeting between your mother, the head and potentially you will lead to her being asked a few pertinent questions regarding safeguarding, internet usage and the monitoring thereof.

I would also be pushing for Adam to delete the video immediately and for reporting the account and 13 year old age limit to YouTube - the account is in violation of the rules, which are there for a reason!

Hope that Tom is OK, in all of this.

Saltedcaramel4 · 16/09/2015 12:09

I agree Tom is very lucky to have you as a sister and that the autism is a red herring. I'm very shocked the mother has been defensive and tried to put the responsibility back on Tom. Even if Tom is bossy, there are better more constructive ways to deal with things. Bullying someone on YouTube, being defensive and not apologising is very poor

Bunbaker · 16/09/2015 12:12

I wish DD had a sister like you

jasmine1979 · 16/09/2015 12:41

I think you've dealt with this so well op. You are a lovely sister.
Just wanted to add that you can report the video and take steps to have it taken down yourself. There is usually a button below the video that says "more". When you click on it there is an option to "report". Fill in the report form clicking the option for bullying and hopefully youtube will remove the video straight away and give the user a warning on their account.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 16/09/2015 14:26

Can you make sure that the party is extra-amazing so Adam feels like he has really missed out on something cool?

Madmum24 · 16/09/2015 15:04

Haven't RTFT but my first port of call would be to speak to Adam's parents before going to the school.

My DD10 has Aspergers and often makes nasty declarations about people (that she likes) over very minor issues, such as a friend not zipping her pencil case fully, or using her rubber/pencil without asking. As a PP pointed out this is impulsive behaviour and not to mean harm.

In saying that I would hope that Adam's parents would be mortified, take the video off immediately and have a serious chat with him. I would advise them to speak to the school as the class are all aware of it. In a week or so I would contact school to check they have been informed, and if not to make them aware.

OP tell your brother some of the issues that people with ASD have and not to take it personally. Depending on how things are now th Adam decide whether or not to uninvited.

EmmaWoodlouse · 16/09/2015 15:07

First of all, I'm glad your mum took some action and Adam's mum now at least knows what has happened. She might not sound all that horrified but I bet she is worrying about it.

I also agree that whoever owns the account should be reported if they are underage. This other person shouldn't have been encouraging Adam and shouldn't have allowed the video to be put up if it contained footage that could upset someone.

Someone with Aspergers can take an irrational extreme dislike to someone (I've seen it happen in a school I worked in), but if that's what happened here, I'm surprised that

(a) Tom hadn't ever sussed that there was something unusual about Adam and

(b) Adam was able to disguise this dislike so well, so that Tom believed him to be a good friend.

On this evidence, I'm inclined to think that either Adam doesn't have Aspergers at all (and the whole video was just a tasteless piss-take), or he doesn't really dislike Tom, but was manipulated into recording the video by the person whose channel it was. Either way, the channel owner has to take a lot of the blame - the only question is how much of it is Adam's fault. If he doesn't have Aspergers then that was a very nasty little "joke" he played there. Do you know if his mum has said anything about the Aspergers? Maybe part of the reason he can't come to the party is as a punishment for lying, as well as upsetting Tom.

Anyway, I hope Tom and his other friends have a great time and that Adam learns something from this whole experience.

whois · 16/09/2015 17:49

Haven't RTFT but....

Helpful.

EarlyNewDawn · 16/09/2015 18:10

I hope Adam's mum is a mnetter and reads this thread!

This is the sort of blow that can cause long term upset and damage. Tom does not deserve this.

Original poster

notamum3210 · 16/09/2015 18:10

Meeting with the headteacher went very well - she was really shocked and disappointed (we showed her the short clip) and she said she would be taking action in children's ICT lessons. We've left it to her about what action to take against Adam but she said she would be having a word with his parents.

Adam and Tom spoke at school today and Adam apologised for upsetting him. Tom said 'It's okay -we're cool now' - hopefully it won't escalate.

We're quite relieved that he can't make it to the party.

OP posts:

Idefix · 16/09/2015 18:13

I would be surprised that nothing has ever been said about Adams aspergers, if you as a family have spent a lot of time together socially. Ds does not have Aspergers but has add, Tourette's (very low on scale and triggered by stress etc) and relative strangers have ask me when he was younger what is wrong with him.

Really horrible thing to happen to your db, I would report it and the person who put it up but not sure who too. Not sure the school would get involved.

Sadly or maybe not sadly this may well be the end of this friendship.

Idefix · 16/09/2015 18:14

Opps did it happen in school?

Crazypetlady · 16/09/2015 18:14

I think the mother is to blame also. Adam is to be blame and needs to be told but knowing about his lack of a filter due to aspergers his mum should check his videos. It scares me how many young kids are all over youtube. Adam could be giving out any info in his videos she should monitor him. Your poor brother o.p :(

bishboschone · 16/09/2015 18:15

My friends son has Asperger's syndrome . He would do this too but it would be a spirit second thing and it wouldn't mean anything .. To him..!! He did it to my daughter and she was devastated , when questioned he said he didn't mean it .. Could this be the case ?

Penfold007 · 16/09/2015 18:16

OP I think you've handled this unpleasant event amazingly, your DB is lucky to have you as his big sis.

HistoryRepeatingItself · 16/09/2015 18:28

I was thinking the same as you, Penfold.

Original poster

notamum3210 · 16/09/2015 19:00

Thanks to all! With there being a big age gap, I'm quite protective of my brother and often look after him when parents are busy or have to go away - I went to the same primary school as him so I know the teachers very well (head gave me a big hug when she saw me!)

I've just checked and the video channel has been taken down. Big relief. Brother is much happier together - just waiting for him to finish his homework so we can watch bakeoff together!

OP posts:

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