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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

10 year old Brother very upset- Youtube video - WWYD

106 replies

notamum3210 · 15/09/2015 21:51

Hi,
this is more of a WWYD than an AIBU.
My brother (let's call him Tom Smith) is about to celebrate his 11th birthday and has sent out party invitations to 12 friends. He came home from school today and, after finishing his homework, said that he wanted to look up one of his friends who had a youtube channel. His friend, (lets call him Adam) has been uploading vlogs about all sorts of things (mainly gaming). Tom has been friends with Adam for years and has always regarded him as one of his closest friends - I've met Adam several times at school, birthday parties etc. and his family are lovely.

Tom and I are just relaxing, watching youtube videos on Adam's channel when we come across one 'interesting facts about me' video. Adam's first fact was that he had Asperger's Syndrome (Tom didn't know this before watching and asked me what that meant- I did my best to explain). Towards the of the video Adam said the following:

'Tom Smith, if you're watching this "I dislike you"....I don't know why I just have a massive problem with him'

We were both quite taken aback and Tom is really upset. He thought Adam was one of his closest friends and he's invited him to his birthday. I tried to comfort him and told him not to take it too personally. Our mum heard all of this going on and got quite angry...she wants Tom to uninvite him from the birthday party. I feel this is too drastic and that she should speak to Adam's mum (they're quite friendly though not close).

They're both 10 years old and I don't think things should be blown out of proportions. That said, I feel what a child that young uploads to youtube should be monitored quite closely. Just to clarify, he said my brother's name in full on the video....it's a very unusual name so it's definitely him.

What would you do in this situation? My mum tends to be quite brash and OTT in her judgements, I feel she may be be being unreasonable...any advice?

Thanks!

OP posts:

suchafuss · 15/09/2015 22:21

I caught my DN 10 uploading on youtube and entitled 'Killing Babies' !!!! Got swiftly removed.

Haggisfish · 15/09/2015 22:29

Poor your brother. Definitely mention it to school and see if you can record it before his friend deletes it.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/09/2015 22:34

My DS is 11 yo and has ASD. He has a lack of insight into other people's motivations and thought process. Sometimes he will get upset and angry about minor things that quite often aren't even related to him and he will say things like "I hate X", "I wish X would have a horrible accident" or "The next time I see X I'm going to hit him". It generally passes pretty quickly, and quite often he will be back to considering X one of his best friends within a day or two. Perhaps you could tell your brother that (in my DS's case at least) the positive things that he says and does are considered and true to his feelings while, generally, the negative things are impulsive and much more to do with his own anxieties and lack of self-confidence than with the person he is talking about.

Mind you, I would NEVER let DS upload a video blog of any sort. I think Adam's Mum needs to know about this so that, at the very least, she can have power over the final edit.

WaggleBee · 15/09/2015 22:46

Your poor brother. I think an adult would be taken aback and upset by something like that let alone a 10 year old. I hope he's not too upset for long.

anothernumberone · 15/09/2015 22:46

Ok i could be totally off the mark here because to be honest I know feck all about ASd except what I have been fervently reading recently as we suspect DC3 has it. It is quite unusual for children with ASD to be very socially manipulative, by that I mean pretending to like someone when they do not. I would also suspect that they had some minimal falling out on that particular day and Adam/Tom sorry I am getting confused did not have either the insight or the empathy to realise how inappropriate it was to vlog it on you tube.

Notwithstanding that I would be calling him out on the inappropriate behaviour either by telling his parents or the school. This, from what I have read, is even more important with children with ASD as they miss some of the normal social cues.

fastdaytears · 15/09/2015 22:49

Whatever has happened since this was uploaded, it won't do Adam any good not to be told that this isn't on. He really needs to learn it's not acceptable, even more so if normal rules aren't obvious to him.

BlackeyedSusan · 15/09/2015 22:50

It may be that being aspie he is telling the truth of his feelings at that point without thinking through the consequences of how the other person will feel or the appropriateness of the comment. It may not be as vindictive as a NT person saying something (depends on the motivation, ds knows what to do to upset specific members of the family and does these things deliberately as well). However, this does not mean that your db will feel any less upset, nor that an aspie child should be let off. They have to learn like everyone else. bloody hard work though it is to get it through to them Just needs, spelling out why it is wrong a little more clearly.

LittleRedRidingHoodie1 · 15/09/2015 22:53

Why are the school expected to deal with this? It's nothing to do with them. Speak to the parents.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/09/2015 22:56

Really I do think it's incredibly stupid of parents to allow their children to upload stuff publicly onto the internet without having any idea of what's in it.

One of my friend's sons has a youtube channel. He's 8 and it's public.

Families like Evan of EvanTube fame have a lot to answer for.

annielouise · 15/09/2015 23:01

Can you not ask Adam? Quietly and gently ask if he considers Tom his friend? Your brother must have picked up if he's not been a friend over the past 4 months. I'm inclined to think it was an incident of 4 months ago and they fell out that day. Could your brother tell him Adam I saw the video. What's with the you don't like me bit? See what he says. If they're not friends I think it would have become apparent. I'm sorry to hear your brother was upset like that. It can be an emotional time at that age.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/09/2015 23:06

It's the school's business LittleRed because they know one another through school. And school may have to deal with the fall out - after all, how many other kids have seen Adam's video?

School and parents need to be told.

LittleRedRidingHoodie1 · 15/09/2015 23:09

Lynda - it's a parents job to parent. If they allow their children on social networking they should deal with it themselves.

Original poster

notamum3210 · 15/09/2015 23:10

Thank you for the replies so far.

annielouise - I don't think it's right for me to approach Adam, he may feel uncomfortable and he knows I'm Tom's sister. I feel Adam's mum should know first.

It's worth pointing out that in that four months, almost two of them have been summer holidays - they didn't see each other as both boys were on summer holidays. They've only been back at school a few weeks.

OP posts:

Ataraxy · 15/09/2015 23:16

My DS has ASD and I agree that the "I dislike you" could be linked to something that had happened that day or the day before. I know my DS takes time to understand what he feels and would also lack the maturity to understand the impact of those words.

Both school and Adam's mum need to be made aware of this situation so they can work together to help Adam understand why this is not acceptable, the impact that it's had on Tom, and also re-establish the friendship between the two boys (if that's what they both want). It is highly likely that to Adam, this happened a long time ago and he's forgotten about it.

Saltedcaramel4 · 15/09/2015 23:22

The school needs to deal with it. Both boys need clarification about what's appropriate/not appropriate on line and about cyber bullying. The clip needs to be taken down first thing tomorrow. The boy needs to be punished

Your mum should uninvited him. That way your DB doesn't have to worry about any any repercussions.

LyndaNotLinda · 15/09/2015 23:25

Yes I know it's a parents job to parent

But if a child does something on social networking that impacts on another child in the same school, then the school need to know about it too. Also schools are responsible for teaching children about e-safety. It's on the curriculum.

I don't know about the party. I think I'd wait and see if it were just a forgotten one off 'you wouldn't let me join in with X so I'm angry at you today' or something more major. But only because Adam isn't NT.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 15/09/2015 23:26

I think the school should be made aware actually. Adam has told everyone about his YouTube channel so it's not just Tom who has seen the videos. This could have reperrcussions to friendships within school, as well maybe different treatment to Adam due to his telling the virtual world about his aspergers and misunderstandings about that. Things he says online could come back and haunt him in school so they need to be aware.

Hope your DB is feeling better soon OP.

TRexingInAsda · 15/09/2015 23:27

He should be allowed to uninvited him of course, and his mum should have a quiet word with the other mum. Poor db.

MummySparkle · 15/09/2015 23:34

If the school is anything like my school, the teachers will have had a cyber bullying training during their training days over the last few weeks. And if all of the children in Tom's class have seen the video then there may be some repercussions whilst at school too. Our school have had training on how to deal with incidents of cyber bully and on how to talk to students about the reprocess ions of the Internet. I'm in a secondary school so it's obviously going to be relevant to our students. It saddens me that it can happen in primary too, these kids are far to young / immature to understand that once something is posted its there and always there. When I was in year 6 my biggest worry was trying to work out who was putting all of the extra paper clips in my tray!

Op you sound like a great sister. Does your DB still want Adam to come to his birthday?

cantbelieveimonhere · 15/09/2015 23:41

what age are you OP?

Fatmomma99 · 15/09/2015 23:55

notamum3210, you are a lovely sister, and your DB is very lucky to have you. You are very thoughtful and sensitive. (and v intelligent to post here!).

Are your parents aware, and what are their thoughts?

The other child's parents absolutely need to know, and be given an opportunity to deal with it, but you should also let them know that their DS is boasting AT SCHOOL about his youTube vlog, and telling the other children AT SCHOOL to go and look at it. It's NOT school's problem that he's making a youTube thing, but it involves them if he's publicizing it there. So I would tell them that you're going to advise the school about it, unless they want to talk to school first themselves.

mathanxiety · 16/09/2015 00:05

BlackAmericano:
My DS is 11 yo and has ASD. He has a lack of insight into other people's motivations and thought process

And this is exactly why the school must be told that a child with Aspergers is conducting an online life, where he could be contacted by anyone, with any motive, and end up in real trouble.

Please tell the school. This is not just about the horrible experience your brother has had (the school needs to know that he has been bullied) but also about the safety of the other 10 year old, who may or may not have insight into other people's motivations when they comment on a video or start chatting online with him.

I would go straight to the school.

Have you taken screen shots or saved it in any way?

mathanxiety · 16/09/2015 00:07

conducting an online life*
...apparently without parental supervision, or the bullying would not have occurred, or if there is parental supervision, then it is being done by a parent with no sense.

Italiangreyhound · 16/09/2015 00:17

No advice but just really sorry to read this. I hope it works out OK for your brother.

Original poster

notamum3210 · 16/09/2015 07:55

I'm in my early 20s (big agegap). I don't live at home anymore- only come back once every few weeks (back again for the party)

I'm not sure how to take video screenshots - will see if I can find out. I have noted down which video and how many minutes in though.

OP posts:

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