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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

10 year old Brother very upset- Youtube video - WWYD

106 replies

notamum3210 · 15/09/2015 21:51

Hi,
this is more of a WWYD than an AIBU.
My brother (let's call him Tom Smith) is about to celebrate his 11th birthday and has sent out party invitations to 12 friends. He came home from school today and, after finishing his homework, said that he wanted to look up one of his friends who had a youtube channel. His friend, (lets call him Adam) has been uploading vlogs about all sorts of things (mainly gaming). Tom has been friends with Adam for years and has always regarded him as one of his closest friends - I've met Adam several times at school, birthday parties etc. and his family are lovely.

Tom and I are just relaxing, watching youtube videos on Adam's channel when we come across one 'interesting facts about me' video. Adam's first fact was that he had Asperger's Syndrome (Tom didn't know this before watching and asked me what that meant- I did my best to explain). Towards the of the video Adam said the following:

'Tom Smith, if you're watching this "I dislike you"....I don't know why I just have a massive problem with him'

We were both quite taken aback and Tom is really upset. He thought Adam was one of his closest friends and he's invited him to his birthday. I tried to comfort him and told him not to take it too personally. Our mum heard all of this going on and got quite angry...she wants Tom to uninvite him from the birthday party. I feel this is too drastic and that she should speak to Adam's mum (they're quite friendly though not close).

They're both 10 years old and I don't think things should be blown out of proportions. That said, I feel what a child that young uploads to youtube should be monitored quite closely. Just to clarify, he said my brother's name in full on the video....it's a very unusual name so it's definitely him.

What would you do in this situation? My mum tends to be quite brash and OTT in her judgements, I feel she may be be being unreasonable...any advice?

Thanks!

OP posts:
MsTargaryen · 16/09/2015 08:14

Even if you record it with a camera or phone or something playing on screen, it'll be better to have some proof just in case people try to wriggle out of sorting it.

TwmSionCati · 16/09/2015 08:19

" Why are the school expected to deal with this? It's nothing to do with them. Speak to the parents."

totally agree - what on earth does this have to do with the school? Bizarre.

Penfold007 · 16/09/2015 08:28

OP if you search on Google there are clear instructions on how to save a YouTube vlog. Save a copy as Adam and/or his mum will delete and deny.
Your mum needs to uninvited Adam and inform the school. This sort of behaviour needs dealing with.

Original poster
notamum3210 · 16/09/2015 09:22

Just an update:

My mum texted Adam's mum yesterday saying that Tom was upset. She replied straight away saying she'd got her son out of bed to talk it through. Apparently Tom had been a bit bossy and annoying at the time - he said that he now just tolerates him.

They talked it through and mum told Tom that Adam would need lots of support and that they should still stay friends.
I encouraged mum this morning to write to Adam's mum again, asking for the video to be taken down. No reply yet but she's quite busy.

Mum's also made an appointment to speak to the head- I'll try to go along too.
I took a video of the video with my phone.

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel4 · 16/09/2015 09:25

Well done.

Penfold007 · 16/09/2015 09:27

Great news but I'm not sure I'd encourage the staying 'friends' with someone who 'tolerates' your brother.

I'd encourage your brother to pursue other friendship groups and would still withdraw Adam's invitation.

Asimovbuff · 16/09/2015 09:29

aying she'd got her son out of bed to talk it through. Apparently Tom had been a bit bossy and annoying at the time - he said that he now just tolerates him.

that doesn't sound like the mortified apology I was hoping for and that I would have given had I been in her situation

definitely take up with the head and well done for videoing the video as I expect she will just take it down then try not to contact you about it.

Asimovbuff · 16/09/2015 09:31

Oh, and I have three children and have seen it all. I would definitely rescind the invitation without questions, if only to teach this child that actions have consequences

if his AS doesn't allow him to understand this then he must not make youtube videos

I imagine he knows only too well which is why he was encouraging other children to watch it

I feel really sorry for your brother this is horrible situation for him to be in.

TJEckleburg · 16/09/2015 09:31

Sorry - why on earth does Adam need lots of support from the boy that he's upset? Having Aspergers is not a get out of jail free card to be horrid to people. Kids with aspergers can obv inadvertently upset others because they don't "get" things, but that doesn't mean that your 10 year old should have to just accept his behaviour. Whether Tom had been bossy or not, he deserves an apology for being publicly hated, and shouldn't feel he has to be friends with someone who "tolerates" him.

Asimovbuff · 16/09/2015 09:33

Tom's behaviour sounds calculated and deliberate to me.

Are you sure he has Aspergers?

diddl · 16/09/2015 09:37

THey should stay friends?

Why?

If one only tolerates the other what's to be gained?

And what does Adam need support for?

QuintShhhhhh · 16/09/2015 09:39

Tom should not have to endure having Adam at his party, it will just ruin it for him.

Poor Tom.

My son is 10, he would be absolutely heartbroken, his world would shatter. No way would the mean bully come to his party.

Why stay "friends" if Adam barely tolerates Tom? The mum sounds like she just wants to brush things under the carpet and let things continue without an impact for her son. Nasty.

Lj8893 · 16/09/2015 09:40

Asi, do you mean Adam? I don't think Toms behaviour seems calculated at all!

Asimovbuff · 16/09/2015 09:41

My dd is 10.

I would not only go to the head I would talk to the mum and absolutely everyone I knew about it.

I would not invite the child and I would make sure everyone knew why.

HTH Smile

Asimovbuff · 16/09/2015 09:41

oh god yes sorry I mean Adam!!!!

Lj8893 · 16/09/2015 09:44

Ah I thought you must have done!

I feel for Tom so much, I was bullied by "friends" as a child, and it's certainly had a massive impact on my friendships throughout my life.

It needs to be dealt with properly and effectively, and not minimised.

thehypocritesoaf · 16/09/2015 09:46

Yes, Unless he gets a heartfelt apology and a proper explanation, then the friendship is over and I wouldn't push them together.

I can't imagine the shock Tom must have had.

Asimovbuff · 16/09/2015 09:48

My middle dd sent a horrible text message to someone once Blush

the mum of the other girl went NUTS - contacted me, the school, put it on Facebook

Part of me wishes that for my dds sake she had been slightly more calm BUT my god my dd will never do it again. I don't think she had any idea of the consequences, stupid girl.

I was mortified and couldn't do enough to try and sort it out

PlopsyWhopsy · 16/09/2015 09:51

Hope the meeting with the head goes well. Agree with PP that if Adams reply was that he just tolerates Tom, their is absolutely no way your brother should be told to keep him as a friend and be supportive if him. Sounds like the mum is hoping to keep her son out of trouble with school.
Tell your mum to univite Adam and tell Tom it's ik to be sad and find new friends

AngryPrincess · 16/09/2015 09:56

This is an unpleasant situation, but thank goodness you were there. Just imagine how much worse it would have been if your brother had seen it on his own.

EponasWildDaughter · 16/09/2015 09:57

Yep, glad your mum is going to speak to the school. (i'd un-invite the boy as well personally. Poor Tom)

To those saying it's no business of the school's -

A school is in a special and important position and has the resources and training to deal with social media bullying, inappropriate and upsetting behavior online AND, importantly, the consequences of it spilling out into the school day (ie Tom being sad/withdrawn in class for eg, subtle bullying continuing in 'RL' even). The children are in their care for a significant part of their day.

Schools are aware of the amount of social media that children are engaging in these days and are willing and able to try to help make children's lives easier. Why would anyone NOT tell them?

Parent plus school support.

Asimovbuff · 16/09/2015 10:00

Both my children's schools would actively WANT to know about this

QueenArnica · 16/09/2015 10:06

Firstly I hope your brother is ok, what a horrible experience for him.
I think Adam's mum is bloody deluded if I'm honest! At the very least she should have offered to take the video down, quite how she turned this around to be about her son's feelings and emotions is beyond me!

I also think it's worth pointing out that the minimum age for most social media including YouTube is 13.

You can report Adam's account and get it closed down as he is under age. Hope it all gets resolved, I would personally not invite Adam to the party given that he only "tolerates" your brother! X

youtube-global.blogspot.co.uk/2007/07/children-youtube.html

ClearBlueWater · 16/09/2015 10:07

Re the Aspergers - this is a red herring - if he does indeed have AS then it is actually even more important (in a way) that the adults around him - School included- help him to understand appropriate social boundaries.

ClearBlueWater · 16/09/2015 10:09

And the idea that the bully's mum says that HER son 'needs support' from the bullied child Shock

No way at the Party, this just sends the message to the bully that he can carry on with no consequences.

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