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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she cheating

83 replies

ton181 · 14/09/2015 22:45

Hi All, I would like your opinion. I had a feeling all was not right in our relationship so I snooped on her tablet and read some personal messages on her facebook and discovered she had been talking to her ex fiancé over a period of 5 years. They had met for a coffee at least once and planned to meet again which didn't appear to have happened; these messages stopped in 2010, but I only just found them. I challenged her with my discovery, she was annoyed I had read them and said there was nothing going on and she was only curious. I said previous GF had messaged me but I had ignored them. She said she hasn't cheated and never would. I later discovered she deleted messenger from her tablet so I couldnt check it any further; now is she hiding something? When I asked she said it was because she didn't like me reading her personal messages and she was making a point. Obviously I'm not happy, your thoughts. We have been together for 13 years...

OP posts:

Junosmum · 14/09/2015 22:49

Yabu. You either trust her or you don't. If you don't then only you know if you can get that trust back or not.

I also hate people reading my private stuff, even my husband. And I have nothing to hide.

wowfudge · 14/09/2015 22:50

You snooped on her and then decided to take her to task about messages that ended five years ago?

If you can't talk to your partner when you think something is not quite right and resort to this then I suggest that what is not quite right is you. I would be incensed if my partner did this to me.

BestZebbie · 14/09/2015 22:50

If the most recent message you didn't like was from 2010, the biggest issue in your relationship is your own lack of trust of your long-term partner.

Original poster

ton181 · 14/09/2015 22:54

Our relationship isn't running smoothly no and I don't trust her. She has the opportunity to have a fling through work nights away etc. while I'm at home looking after the kids. I have caught her out lying before, if it was the other way around I would be doing my best to be open and honest and prove I had nothing to hide, now I feel she is hiding something.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/09/2015 22:55

You must have serious issues if you snoop that far back into her messages. Not attractive and not cool.

ilovesooty · 14/09/2015 22:56

If I were her I'd be reconsidering whether I wanted to stay with someone as underhand and disrespectful as you seem to be.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 14/09/2015 22:56

Can you give us any examples of why you don't trust her?

WorraLiberty · 14/09/2015 22:58

You two really need to sit down and talk. Try to work out why she's so secretive and why you don't trust her.

I think snooping is an awful thing to do, but I'm in a bit of a minority at times on Mumsnet as many people think it's ok to 'trust your instinct'.

Either way I don't blame you for being unhappy if she's been keeping things from you, but you need to talk not snoop.

Junosmum · 14/09/2015 22:59

Ok. So you don't trust her, why? Give examples. Is your intuition usually correct?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 14/09/2015 23:01

If you don't trust her, this relationship is over regardless. Doesn't sound like anything is going on to me. You have no proof of anything.

BestZebbie · 14/09/2015 23:01

Why do you assume that she would be taking any opportunity to have a fling, in particular?
What sort of things has she lied about in the past - has she cheated before?

Original poster

ton181 · 14/09/2015 23:02

She asked for another child and I said no, but 3 months later she was pregnant. She travels to meetings the night before and makes no contact with me, no calls nothing. She also told me a member of staff had made a pass at her and she found it thrilling, our sex life is zero. Just to confirm if you thought your partner was having an affair and denied when asked, you wouldn't snoop?

OP posts:

sugar21 · 14/09/2015 23:02

Nobody likes being snooped, and you went back 5 years! I would have deleted messenger and put passwords on everything else if it were me. Why do you think she would have a fling?

ilovesooty · 14/09/2015 23:05

I'm with Worra in the minority camp that doesn't like snooping and I've said so when women have done it.

No, if I thought my relationship had problems I'd talk about it. I don't see what you hope to achieve and I think the relationship sounds dead in the water given what you've said.

Original poster

ton181 · 14/09/2015 23:06

I know they met up supposedly over coffee, they could have met in a hotel for all I know. I didn't say I had proof of anything - this is not a court of law; I would like some feedback. I know snooping isn't great, but I have nothing to hide.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 14/09/2015 23:08

Feedback? Try talking to her instead of invading her privacy and behaving so disrespectfully. Your attitude stinks.

Radiatorvalves · 14/09/2015 23:09

I travel a lot for work and spend a lot of time away from DH. I don't always call him either....time differences or meetings or even god forbid social events. I don't have trust issues though. I've mentioned the (very odd) time I thought someone might be flirting with me, and we laugh about it.

I think hes more worried about the time I spend on MN.

YABU.

Yarboosucks · 14/09/2015 23:09

Your sex life is zero and she got pregnant?? there could be a clue in there somewhere.

However, please note. I travel for business. I often go the night before, I do not always call home. I am not shagging anyone on those occasions. I am in contact with ex-boyfriends. I am not having affairs with them.

If I did not have a sex life and I had a husband who checked my messages, I might start to think that I had nothing to lose.

notmyproblem · 14/09/2015 23:09

Your sex life is zero, you don't trust her, it sounds as though you think she's taking advantage of you or having one over on you, you're resentful in any case. Your choices are Relate or some kind of couples counselling, or part ways. Sorry. 13 years and 3 kids, probably the former option is worth a go, but only if she's willing to join you. Otherwise cut your losses and get out before you waste the rest of your life in what sounds like a fairly loveless and doomed relationship.

Original poster

ton181 · 14/09/2015 23:09

I have tried talking but she has a tantrum and storms off

OP posts:

BestZebbie · 14/09/2015 23:11

Are you suggesting that the youngest child isn't yours, or that she sabotaged contraception?
If she is only going away for one night at a time I'm not convinced it is actually necessary to phone home to check in with a partner although if you have explained that it would reassure you it would be a nice gesture to do so.
Now that you have searched and not found any evidence of anything, has this actually made you feel happier that you have not found anything, or more stressed because you believe it must exist and so therefore she must be hiding it really really well?

gamerchick · 14/09/2015 23:11

I think I would look at another part of my relationship if snooping only showed up something from years and years ago.

It sounds as if that yes there's an issue but you're barking up the wrong tree and if you carry on prodding you may get more than you bargained for.

I'm always in the camp up to now if you're at the snooping stage them the relationship is over.

ilovesooty · 14/09/2015 23:13

Perhaps you ought to hire a private detective. It doesn't sound as though you'll be happy until you actually find something.

wowfudge · 14/09/2015 23:15

So when you tried talking, what were the circumstances and what did you say?

Original poster

ton181 · 14/09/2015 23:16

I believe the child is mine I would have left her if not, and yes I think she did sabotage contraception. My gut feeling tells me something isn't right and no I don't have any real proof of anything. Has anyone had a gut feeling and what did they (you) do? Remember I tried talking first off.

OP posts:

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