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AIBU?

Is she cheating

83 replies

ton181 · 14/09/2015 22:45

Hi All, I would like your opinion. I had a feeling all was not right in our relationship so I snooped on her tablet and read some personal messages on her facebook and discovered she had been talking to her ex fiancé over a period of 5 years. They had met for a coffee at least once and planned to meet again which didn't appear to have happened; these messages stopped in 2010, but I only just found them. I challenged her with my discovery, she was annoyed I had read them and said there was nothing going on and she was only curious. I said previous GF had messaged me but I had ignored them. She said she hasn't cheated and never would. I later discovered she deleted messenger from her tablet so I couldnt check it any further; now is she hiding something? When I asked she said it was because she didn't like me reading her personal messages and she was making a point. Obviously I'm not happy, your thoughts. We have been together for 13 years...

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TRexingInAsda · 15/09/2015 10:14

just cant shake that feeling she is hiding something, she doesn't come across as sincere - you know you can just tell; some of you must have had that feeling?

Have you ever had mental health issues, and are you or have you been a weed smoker? Because you've snooped to absolute buggery (over 5 years?! wtf) and proved your feeling wrong. Your reaction to that is 'but I am right, so I'll just do more snooping until I prove it - this sounds like a mental health problem/paranoia. It's not normal, reasoned thinking.

Scarydinosaurs · 15/09/2015 10:14

I get that insincere feeling from you when you say your "sex life was zero" but that she also fell pregnant and you believe the baby is yours.

ScarletRuby · 15/09/2015 10:15

I think anyone is wrong to snoop on anyone else, regardless of gender. There appears to be issues within your relationship regardless of whether she is or has cheating/cheated. You need to talk to her about them.

I do agree however that if you were a woman every other post on here would say 'trust your instinct' which I think is claptrap.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 15/09/2015 10:17

FFS, she's since had the baby. It is more than possible for them to have no sex life now.

And TRexing your posts are a disgrace.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 15/09/2015 10:21

If a woman had posted this in Relationships the response would have been:

Trust your instincts.
He's uncommunicative when you try and talk to him = hiding something.
Snooping might not be ideal but there was something going on a few years ago, whether it was just testing the water or not, and a cheat is always a cheat.

DontHaveAUsername · 15/09/2015 10:24

The general feeling is that snooping when you have a suspicion is ok but snooping without any reason just to casually check up on a partner is not. It sounds like you were suspicious to begin with so I say YANBU to have looked at her tablet. It doesn't sound like she is or has been cheating though so you can probably relax.

Shutthatdoor · 15/09/2015 10:27

Your sex life is zero and she got pregnant?? there could be a clue in there somewhere.

There could be your answer

Funinthesun15 · 15/09/2015 10:28

I do agree however that if you were a woman every other post on here would say 'trust your instinct' which I think is claptrap

I agree and double standards.

ton181 · 15/09/2015 16:38

I take it you are obviously single!

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ton181 · 15/09/2015 16:41

Apologies, I was hoping to add a post on someone's very impolite response.

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ton181 · 15/09/2015 16:48

To all those asking for more info I'm trying to give you an insight not write song and verse. Our youngest is 3 years old, the sex then was maybe once a month, the last 2 years it has dwindled to 1 every 3 months. My other half works full time and so do I, she works most weekends with a day to herself midweek, I work Mon to Fri so I'm a single dad most weekends. I'm trying to give facts, so to make assumptions about me and my character say a lot about those dissing me. If you were drowning I would try and do my very best to help save your ass, I wanted advice not judgement. Many thanks to those that gave me just that.

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ItchyArmpit · 15/09/2015 16:48

I don't think there's any damning evidence of cheating (a coffee with an ex 5 years ago is not cheating) but from what you have put your relationship is in deep deep trouble.

You don't trust her. She doesn't trust you not to snoop on her. The pair of you don't seem to communicate verbally and there's no physical intimacy to boot....

I would say the lack of physical intimacy is not the place to start because that's usually a symptom of problems, not the cause.

If you and she really want to save the relationship then get yourselves to couples counselling and start talking to each other again.

Good luck.

ItchyArmpit · 15/09/2015 16:50

Just seen your update. If you're both working and have multiple small children then the lack of sex is entirely usual.

TRexingInAsda · 15/09/2015 16:59

If that's for me because I mentioned mental health, it wasn't supposed to be insulting - 1 in 4 people are affected by some mental health issue and it's nothing to be ashamed about. But it is a problem that you need to recognise, if that's what's happening.

You said you wanted honest advice, not just people agreeing with you. May I suggest saying what you mean in future, perhaps: "I think she's cheating but I've checked and she isn't, what do you think? By the way I only want to hear from people whose advice is to check some more, thanks".

ton181 · 15/09/2015 17:01

She would be the first to admit I support her thoroughly in all aspects including her work, I have been a shoulder to cry on, she always calls me for advice. When I was going through a tough patch at work she didn't want to know; she's cold towards me, distant and secretive and I've even said to her that I must have the only partner in the world that hates me, she just ignores it.

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TRexingInAsda · 15/09/2015 17:03

Also no I'm not single, I'm happily married for 10 years with 2 kids together, but thanks for asking.

99percentchocolate · 15/09/2015 17:17

You seem desperately unhappy, why are you still in this relationship? Not encouraging you to leave, but I know I couldn't stay if I was that unhappy.

Squishyeyeballs · 15/09/2015 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/09/2015 19:06

Where are all the standard responses?

SoggyBottoms · 15/09/2015 19:15

Facebook Messenger didn't exist before 2011...

Squishyeyeballs · 15/09/2015 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ton181 · 06/04/2016 13:45

Hi All - sometime has passed by so thought I'd update you - we talked and talked some more, didn't resolve anything only caused more arguments. After a few months she finally admitted to cheating in the past and is currently. So that's it all over; DNA tests to come. Many thanks to those that gave constructive support and to the Trolls; I suggest you reread your message as though you are on the receiving end before you click post - I will never stoop to your level.

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WetLettuce123 · 06/04/2016 13:48

You sound like a pain. It was six years ago. They met for a coffee. So what?

Hawkmoth · 06/04/2016 13:50

So sorry to hear your update.

Sunnybitch · 06/04/2016 13:52

Sorry to hear your update ton

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