Is she cheating

[ton181]

Hi All, I would like your opinion. I had a feeling all was not right in our relationship so I snooped on her tablet and read some personal messages on her facebook and discovered she had been talking to her ex fiancé over a period of 5 years. They had met for a coffee at least once and planned to meet again which didn't appear to have happened; these messages stopped in 2010, but I only just found them. I challenged her with my discovery, she was annoyed I had read them and said there was nothing going on and she was only curious. I said previous GF had messaged me but I had ignored them. She said she hasn't cheated and never would. I later discovered she deleted messenger from her tablet so I couldnt check it any further; now is she hiding something? When I asked she said it was because she didn't like me reading her personal messages and she was making a point. Obviously I'm not happy, your thoughts. We have been together for 13 years...

I think I'd try a bit harder.

Hi Ton, I think if you had posted in relationships and posted as a women you would have had very different replies.

It's horrible when someone makes you feel uneasy isn't it? There must have been something in your gut that made you check in the first place although I doubt if anything had really been going on she would have kept the messages.

What do you want to do now and do you think you trust her enough to move forward?

Dragons I don't post in Relationships but I'd say exactly the same to a woman.

I disagree Dragons - I'd say exactly the same to a woman.

Disagree as much as you like but if a women had posted this in relationships she would have been given very different advice front the first dozen in here.

The op feels uneasy and is going by his gut reaction and just told he is snooping and has serious issues... Nice.

The big problem that I think you have is that one cannot prove a negative. How could you be satisfied that she is not being unfaithful? I seems that you are sure that there is evidence that you haven't found yet. So what would satisfy you that there is no evidence?

Possibly - which is one reason I don't post in Relationships.
If I were snowed on like this I would, as I said, be seriously questioning whether I wanted to be with the other party any more. Messages going back to 2010? For goodness sake.

snooped on not snowed on.

I think going back 5 years in Messenger is snooping?? either that or archeology!

It doesn't sound great. Neither of you are communicating effectively. You don't trust her. Without trust, there's not much of a relationship, so you can try - both of you - to get trust back, or you could call it a day.

Which would you prefer to do?

If you don't want to split, you are going to have to try talking again. Keep it calm, but if she has a tantrum again you will have to try something else, like writing a letter explaining how you feel and why you feel the way you do, and what you need from her.

If she is willing to put some work into saving your marriage you could try couple counselling, which some people do find helpful in sorting out the issues and their underlying reasons.

Or you could try being very direct and simply say that you believe that it's either couple counselling or divorce. Might shock her into listening to you.

I would be interested to know what a tantrum is?? You use some rather telling language, or perhaps rather odd. Do you actually like your wife?

For those saying a woman would be getting more sympathy - I knew a woman who was exactly the same with her partner, went through all their partner's messages and was convinced 'something' was going on. It ended with her running off with someone else, seems like she just couldn't accept they didn't want to be in the relationship anymore and was trying to find any reason to make the boyfriend the bad guy. Of course, not suggesting the same of the op, just saying paranoia is the same, either gender. Having suspicions is fine, checking on partner and still not having proof? Either the partner is very good at hiding her tracks, or the op needs to re-evaluate the situation.

To be fair, I don't use Facebook messenger that often (does anyone?) and it would only take a quick scroll to get to a message which was five years old. And if you recognise the name and it jumps out at you, well, you can see how you come across it relatively quickly without being all 21st century Indian Jones about it. I don't have an issue around snooping; sometimes if you're looking for that concrete bit of evidence you've got to do what you've got to do, otherwise you'll drive yourself mad.

OP you clearly have a lot of issues about trust here. And finding these messages, even though they are five years old, must make you feel a bit vindicated- "Aha! I knew you were keeping something from me! ". But is a coffee and a bit of chat with an ex really that bad? I think most people would consider it relatively healthy, so long as everyone keeps their hands to themselves. And, at the risk of 'victim blaming', I don't think that maybe you have the sort of relationship where she could just casually drop in, "Oh Tim messaged me today", without you getting all, "I don't message my ex's even though they text me all the time".

I think if you are struggling to have a meaningful conversation around the topic then maybe you should explore counselling together, or even on your own. If she feels you're getting at her when you discuss it then a mediator/someone who could facilitate a conversation could be really useful. If you want to save your relationship you need to look at something like this sooner rather than later. And FYI if she ever does do anything now she'll be doubly sure that she gets rid of any evidence, because she now knows a) you're suspicious and b) you'll act on it.

Thanks for the messages I did ask for honesty and I think I got it.... I don't want to walk away I do love her and we have kids etc. So will try talking again, if she clams up again well we'll see. I just cant shake that feeling she is hiding something, she doesn't come across as sincere - you know you can just tell; some of you must have had that feeling?

Noted that you tried talking first. Personally i've never felt DH was hiding anything from me, but i can imagine how it would feel and i know it would drive me to snooping if talking to him didn't help.

You've said a lot in your posts which would take a great deal of further explanation and that's hard to do here in brief.

• Zero sex but pregnant within 3 months.
• You said 'no' to another child.
• She 'tantrums'.
• She doesn't contact you when she'd away overnight.
• She's told you about a man flirting with her and told you she was thrilled.
• You think she sabotaged contraception.

The above is a minefield!

YANBU to feel your marriage is in trouble. I agree with the posters saying that you need to sit down with her and explore the idea of counceling. At least suggest making time together for a proper talk for the sake of saving the marriage.

Oh here we go. If a man goes looking it's snooping. If it were a woman she'd be actively encouraged - "Trust your intuition"

Same with the meetings with the ex - if it were a woman posting it'd be all "It's inappropriate/why didn't he tell you/he lied by omission/ask him how he'd like YOU meeting up with an ex" etc.

A couple of posters at least have said they regard this as snooping regardless of gender.

Snooping isn't great, but I understand that if your gut is screaming that somethings wrong then you'd be tempted. BUT if you've gone through five years of messages and the worst you've found is a catch up over coffee then I'd say it's pretty safe to assume that there was nothing (in her messages at least) to find. Why read dive years worth of messages- have the problems between you gone on that long?

Obviously sex isn't non existent between you if she got pregnant, but how long has it been poor? Have you talked about it? I assume you have young dc - maybe she's just tired?

What does she say about the lack of contact when she's away with work?

What do you mean she tantrums? What was said?

Snooping is the same regardless of gender. But even if this OP had pretended to be a woman when he posted, the way he writes would at least have given me pause. You don't get a lot of women remarking indignantly on their DH/DP having to stay away overnight for work 'while I'm at home with the children'. The OP clearly finds that anomalous. Women find that quite normal.

OP, I'm sorry you feel so tormented, but there really is nothing at all you can do, other than talk to her. Not confront her. I have the impression from your belligerence that you wanted everyone to tell you your intuition was correct, and suggest other modes of surveillance, but there really isn't anything you can do other than talk, unless you're going to contact the ex and interrogate him, or go undercover at her work stay hotels.

Looking at what you say, it's entirely possible she is simply busy when she's away for work - I travel for work occasionally and seldom call home because I'm networking - resented your snooping on an innocent coffee so deleted Messenger, and had a genuine contraception failure.

Hahaha!! Women don't ever complain about their partners working away leaving them home alone with the DC? What threads have you not been reading?!

Yes I had an 'instinct'
Yes I snooped (well I had full access to his phone bills anyway).
Yes I was proved right.
Problem is, this all happened to me 6 years ago.
Whatsapp and imessaging etc... just weren't popular like the are now and I was able to see from phone bill increases what was going on.

It's so different now and I have no idea how you can get 'proof'.
It's really hard but her reaction to your wanting to talk etc..makes me think you could be right.

Do you work?
Are you the main carer for the kids?
Maybe get some legal advice to see where you stand if you do separate and then tackle her with all the information.
Let her know you don't trust her and her blocking you from seeing things is just compounding your mistrust of her.

Maybe get some couples counselling? See if you can work through this.

But they say on MN - No trust = no relationship!!!

OP, I would suggest re-posting this in Relationships. There are lots more people there who've experienced cheating and may be more sympathetic to your situation.

Spanish, that's not what I said. I said a female poster talking about her husband's business absences would be unlikely to actually state 'while I am at home with the children'. Because 'businessman travelling while children at home with mother' is still, depressingly, assumed to be the cultural norm, whereas 'woman regularly travelling for work with children at home being looked after by their father' is still far less assumed.

IF a woman were posting, she might well be complaining about her DH's work absences, but she would be far less likely to say 'while I'm at home looking after the children'. Because everyone would assume that's what the default was.

It's not actually important to the OP, it's one thing that would have made me think he wasn't a woman, even if he said he was.

So to summarise:

1. You snooped at her personal messages and found nothing of interest in the last 5 years so you started grilling her about some messages from 5 years ago to an ex which seemed perfectly innocent? And she 'clammed up' when you tried to engage her about it a second time?
2. She asked for a baby and you said no? (Didn't you have a discussion like normal people?) And then she had one anyway which you suspect she did on purpose even though you said no - did you have sex with her or not? Did you use condoms or how were you expecting to prevent a pregnancy during that time?
3. She goes to meeting the night before (very sensible if they start early the next day) and she doesn't ring/text you all night. Well tbh she's probably glad to be away, maybe she doesn't like you because you snoop through her stuff, tell her whether or not she's allowed another baby, and ask her to explain her perfectly innocent private messages from 5 years ago that you've been snooping through.

Just fucking leave if you can't treat her with any respect. Or would you rather keep acting like a knob until she leaves and then you can blame her?

You have no trust and no respect for her at all. Regardless of whether or not she's cheating, your relationship is beyond shit. Your options: 1. Leave, 2. try to improve things (but this takes two, and doesn't involve snooping, accusations or inquisitions about innocent shit from years ago), or 3. carry on having a shit relationship, being miserable and moaning about it on the internet. Good luck with your choice.

Yes I am going to say it!
If this was reversed and this was a woman posting, no way in hell would she be given the hard time OP has.

I agree with another PP, please post in relationships, people are much kinder and more understanding over there.