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To be annoyed that one friend always has to tweak arrangements to suit her?

102 replies

schpock · 14/09/2015 22:12

I regularly meet up with 3 friends. Each time I meet them there is one friend who always claims to be incredibly busy and who always has to tweak everything to suit her, and then is generally late or tweaks it again to suit her once we've changed plans. The other two are happy to accommodate her so I have to go along with it too or risk looking like a bitch.

This Saturday the three of us were meant to be going shopping at a city an hour away from where we live. I was looking forward to going here as it's a lovely place and I've not been there for ages, and I wanted to go in a particular couple of shops there.

The date was originally changed from last weekend to this weekend, as it didn't suit this friend to go last weekend.

Now this evening one of the other friends has sent me a text saying that this friend doesn't want to go shopping now and would prefer to just meet for lunch instead and that we are meeting at 1pm at X pub.

I have not replied yet as I am so fuming about it and don't want to reply in anger. But I know that even if I reply that I am disappointed and would still like to go shopping it will be a case of "sorry but we are doing lunch now".

To make matters worse, the friend who wants to change plans will probably be late anyway and we'll all be sat there for half an hour waiting with the other two cracking jovial jokes about how busy she must be.

OP posts:

OneDay103 · 14/09/2015 22:16

Yanbu, very inconsiderate of her. Why do you think the other two pander to her?


schpock · 14/09/2015 22:17

She is quite a dominant personality and the other two are more weaker and easily led, so they are happy to go along with her demands.

OP posts:

schpock · 14/09/2015 22:19

I think I may text back

"Oh that's a shame, unfortunately I won't be able to come to lunch as I have been looking forward to going shopping and will be going to X. See you soon"

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 14/09/2015 22:19

If it doesn't work for just say so..


Carlywurly · 14/09/2015 22:20

Oh god, yanbu at all. I have a similar friend and a similar thread going. We arranged a cinema trip, booked our seats and she didn't like where we'd chosen to sit. Fair enough, book their own seats further back. Dp explained it was because of his crap eyesight but she still called the cinema to change the seats we'd booked as well as their own.

Whatever we decide to do there's an amendment or a massive drama. She has to be in control or she derails any plans. It's bizarre.

If you need to go to those shops I'd just go on your own. No drama but make the point that she can't control you. I wouldn't go to the pub, I'd sit there seething.


Scobberlotcher · 14/09/2015 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Griphook · 14/09/2015 22:21

But add "you are all still welcome to join me as originally planned"


Mintyy · 14/09/2015 22:22

Yanbu to be irritated about this.

I would absolutely definitely text back saying that you are going shopping anyway and hope the other two enjoy their lunch in the pub. But that's just me.


Wizadora1 · 14/09/2015 22:23

Maybe the other two friends feel the same way but also don't feel like rocking the boat by saying anything.
I would say to them yes you would go but you would prefer to be going shopping so would like to rearrange that trip too.


schpock · 14/09/2015 22:28

I really want to go shopping this week though; I think if I suggest re-arranging then she will find some way of changing the plans we make or of dominating them.

Carlywurly, I've just found your thread and your friend sounds a nightmare too!

OP posts:

LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 14/09/2015 22:30

I fear your friend is my sister. Just go shopping. It's not fair on you. This weekend arrangements have been made to meet up in a carvery 60 miles away for a relatives birthday. It's during the day so everyone can go. My sister has tried to monopolise everything. Location, food type, price, time of day etc etc. it's a genteel celebration for a very poorly man. Not an opportunity to guilt trip people into paying extra for "organic" fayre. It's a fucking Toby restaurant and she's emailing them for a list of organic wines and asking where they get their vegetables from. I had to tell her to stop being pretentious and making everything about her. The man in question loves going to carveries. It's not dear, it's not fancy but most people like a roast and kids are welcome.


laffymeal · 14/09/2015 22:31

YANBU. I want to know why in any given friendship group there's always one irritating arsehole whom everyone else is terrified of upsetting, and more to the point how do I make it me Grin


threenotfour · 14/09/2015 22:32

Not entirely sure why you can't meet with your other two friends to shop as planned and then all meet for lunch with other friend who is too busy/doesn't want to shop?


schpock · 14/09/2015 22:33

Oh yes laffy there is one of those in every group!

I really need to stop doing group friendships as they don't do my self esteem or mental health much good.

OP posts:

schpock · 14/09/2015 22:35

Threenotfour, because the shopping city is an hour's drive away and presumably Madam Muck doesn't want to drive there just to have lunch.

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Carlywurly · 14/09/2015 22:36

The thing is these people are hard to challenge. Somehow you look like the bad person. When I met my friend I felt sorry for her that she'd had some friends and family who had treated her really badly. Now I'm wondering..!

Nobody really likes being bossed or messed around though. Could you not see the others without her in future?


maddening · 14/09/2015 22:37

I would call friend and say that's cool meet flake friend at 1 but why don't we meet up at 10 and go shopping first then friend can catch up with you both at 1 for a post shopping lunch.


Wizadora1 · 14/09/2015 22:37

Maybe your best bet would be to just be honest. Tell them that you've made plans around shopping this weekend and it's better for you to do that. The others may then say they would like to shop too.
If they're willing to change to suit one person when it is her they may do the same for her.
Sometimes if I know I'm out shopping with friends on a particular day I rely on that day to buy an outfit I need for a separate occasion so it's not unbelievable that you could have done the same.


Carlywurly · 14/09/2015 22:37

I really laughed at that laffy! Some people have mastered the art of wrapping everyone else around their little fingers. Not me either though.


schpock · 14/09/2015 22:38

I could see them on an individual basis, I think that might be the way forward. I just don't think group dynamics are for me as these things always happen.

I totally agree that these people are so hard to challenge. They are so sure of themselves and confident that no one dares to disagree.

OP posts:

TwoInTheMourning · 14/09/2015 22:38

I have a 'friend' who is exactly like that. She also 'hijacks' every single situation and has a sort of 'fills the room' personality. To be honest with you I have stopped including her in my plans because she always makes them different to what I had in mind and into whatever suits her.


laffymeal · 14/09/2015 22:38

I hear you op. I socialise pretty much one to one or in couples with dh, the group dynamic doesn't agree with me either. I'm 50 now but remember spending my 30th birthday in tears thanks to a selfish cow who always had to be the centre of attention.


schpock · 14/09/2015 22:41

This friend has a 'fill the room' personality too and always has to be the centre of attention.

I'm probably better off shopping on my own anyway as the day probably would have been dominated by her.

OP posts:

laffymeal · 14/09/2015 22:41

Glad I gave you a giggle Carly Grin


SoftKittyWarmKitty · 14/09/2015 22:45

I feel your pain as I have a friend like this too. Arrangements are made then she changes time/date/venue to something more suited to her. Like you and your friends, we've all capitulated and gone along with her preferences. However I was starting to feel resentful at being expected to fall into line so this year I decided that I was going to say 'no' if the changed arrangements weren't suitable for me and/or my DC. I've done this a few times now and it's not gone down too well but I'm glad I've started standing up for myself more.

I think your text is ideal, especially with Griphook's point on the end. This is about control - your friend likes to feel important and be 'top dog' by controlling you all. Don't put up with it any longer. I hope you enjoy your shopping day.

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