To be annoyed that one friend always has to tweak arrangements to suit her?
schpock · 14/09/2015 22:12
I regularly meet up with 3 friends. Each time I meet them there is one friend who always claims to be incredibly busy and who always has to tweak everything to suit her, and then is generally late or tweaks it again to suit her once we've changed plans. The other two are happy to accommodate her so I have to go along with it too or risk looking like a bitch.
This Saturday the three of us were meant to be going shopping at a city an hour away from where we live. I was looking forward to going here as it's a lovely place and I've not been there for ages, and I wanted to go in a particular couple of shops there.
The date was originally changed from last weekend to this weekend, as it didn't suit this friend to go last weekend.
Now this evening one of the other friends has sent me a text saying that this friend doesn't want to go shopping now and would prefer to just meet for lunch instead and that we are meeting at 1pm at X pub.
I have not replied yet as I am so fuming about it and don't want to reply in anger. But I know that even if I reply that I am disappointed and would still like to go shopping it will be a case of "sorry but we are doing lunch now".
To make matters worse, the friend who wants to change plans will probably be late anyway and we'll all be sat there for half an hour waiting with the other two cracking jovial jokes about how busy she must be.
Carlywurly · 14/09/2015 22:20
Oh god, yanbu at all. I have a similar friend and a similar thread going. We arranged a cinema trip, booked our seats and she didn't like where we'd chosen to sit. Fair enough, book their own seats further back. Dp explained it was because of his crap eyesight but she still called the cinema to change the seats we'd booked as well as their own.
Whatever we decide to do there's an amendment or a massive drama. She has to be in control or she derails any plans. It's bizarre.
If you need to go to those shops I'd just go on your own. No drama but make the point that she can't control you. I wouldn't go to the pub, I'd sit there seething.
Scobberlotcher · 14/09/2015 22:21
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LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 14/09/2015 22:30
I fear your friend is my sister. Just go shopping. It's not fair on you. This weekend arrangements have been made to meet up in a carvery 60 miles away for a relatives birthday. It's during the day so everyone can go. My sister has tried to monopolise everything. Location, food type, price, time of day etc etc. it's a genteel celebration for a very poorly man. Not an opportunity to guilt trip people into paying extra for "organic" fayre. It's a fucking Toby restaurant and she's emailing them for a list of organic wines and asking where they get their vegetables from. I had to tell her to stop being pretentious and making everything about her. The man in question loves going to carveries. It's not dear, it's not fancy but most people like a roast and kids are welcome.
Carlywurly · 14/09/2015 22:36
The thing is these people are hard to challenge. Somehow you look like the bad person. When I met my friend I felt sorry for her that she'd had some friends and family who had treated her really badly. Now I'm wondering..!
Nobody really likes being bossed or messed around though. Could you not see the others without her in future?
Wizadora1 · 14/09/2015 22:37
Maybe your best bet would be to just be honest. Tell them that you've made plans around shopping this weekend and it's better for you to do that. The others may then say they would like to shop too.
If they're willing to change to suit one person when it is her they may do the same for her.
Sometimes if I know I'm out shopping with friends on a particular day I rely on that day to buy an outfit I need for a separate occasion so it's not unbelievable that you could have done the same.
schpock · 14/09/2015 22:38
I could see them on an individual basis, I think that might be the way forward. I just don't think group dynamics are for me as these things always happen.
I totally agree that these people are so hard to challenge. They are so sure of themselves and confident that no one dares to disagree.
TwoInTheMourning · 14/09/2015 22:38
I have a 'friend' who is exactly like that. She also 'hijacks' every single situation and has a sort of 'fills the room' personality. To be honest with you I have stopped including her in my plans because she always makes them different to what I had in mind and into whatever suits her.
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 14/09/2015 22:45
I feel your pain as I have a friend like this too. Arrangements are made then she changes time/date/venue to something more suited to her. Like you and your friends, we've all capitulated and gone along with her preferences. However I was starting to feel resentful at being expected to fall into line so this year I decided that I was going to say 'no' if the changed arrangements weren't suitable for me and/or my DC. I've done this a few times now and it's not gone down too well but I'm glad I've started standing up for myself more.
I think your text is ideal, especially with Griphook's point on the end. This is about control - your friend likes to feel important and be 'top dog' by controlling you all. Don't put up with it any longer. I hope you enjoy your shopping day.
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