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AIBU?

To be annoyed that one friend always has to tweak arrangements to suit her?

102 replies

schpock · 14/09/2015 22:12

I regularly meet up with 3 friends. Each time I meet them there is one friend who always claims to be incredibly busy and who always has to tweak everything to suit her, and then is generally late or tweaks it again to suit her once we've changed plans. The other two are happy to accommodate her so I have to go along with it too or risk looking like a bitch.

This Saturday the three of us were meant to be going shopping at a city an hour away from where we live. I was looking forward to going here as it's a lovely place and I've not been there for ages, and I wanted to go in a particular couple of shops there.

The date was originally changed from last weekend to this weekend, as it didn't suit this friend to go last weekend.

Now this evening one of the other friends has sent me a text saying that this friend doesn't want to go shopping now and would prefer to just meet for lunch instead and that we are meeting at 1pm at X pub.

I have not replied yet as I am so fuming about it and don't want to reply in anger. But I know that even if I reply that I am disappointed and would still like to go shopping it will be a case of "sorry but we are doing lunch now".

To make matters worse, the friend who wants to change plans will probably be late anyway and we'll all be sat there for half an hour waiting with the other two cracking jovial jokes about how busy she must be.

OP posts:

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WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/09/2015 08:39

I'd do what Fatmomma suggested.

I really think that no one has ever pulled this friend up on her behaviour.

If you don't think that you can do that, then what I would do is after this gathering, I'd text the other two (who seem to follow whoever leads them), and say that you were disappointed that all the plans that the three of you had made were rearranged so that X could meet up and just have lunch. If a lunch date was what was on the cards, then you could all make your own decision on whether that was what each of you wanted to do. Lunch dates can be planned, booked and arranged at any stage. This was supposed to be a fun girly shopping day and that didn't happen. See what the others involved say about that.

diddl · 15/09/2015 08:47

WEll presumably the just lunch isn't in the same place as the shopping otherwise no probs, OP & other 2 could shop & meet flakey for lunch.

Problem is that they have chosen her over OP.

Did it even occur to them to say no or even suggest that lunch was in the shopping place iyswim?

I

Devilishpyjamas · 15/09/2015 09:00

Shop yourself then meet them for lunch. Her mind will be blown at you doing something alone.

Blu · 15/09/2015 09:02

Is the shopping in the same town as the lunch?

Just tell them you need to do some shopping, are too busy to do it at other times, and you'll call in for a drink and a chat. If the lunch is elsewhere, say 'ok, I need to do this shop, what about lunch in the same town?' They might or might not agree. I think you will enjoy the company better if things are arranged more democratically, and if they continue to pander to the other friend, well, what is there to lose?

Be assertive.

diddl · 15/09/2015 09:11

I agree to doing the shopping as planned.

Do you want to suggest that they could still join you & you could all do lunch there or just go it alone this time?

I mean it should really have ocurred to them that you could do this thing without her

Mrsjayy · 15/09/2015 09:18

Meh i would text back saying what you are joking no im not coming for bloody lunch we had this arranged for ages,why are you letting her walk all over you , my sister is like this its just selfish . Last time she did it i tore strips off her

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2015 09:19

Oh I'd definitely stick with the shopping. Look on the bright side - at least this way, you'll get to go to the shops you want to, without any muttering or whinging on Madam's part, and you'll be able to spend as long as you want in each one.

You can either have lunch there when you've finished, going exactly where you want to - or as PP suggested, meet up with your friends later (where you can show off all your great purchases!)

This can be as easy or as hard as you choose to make it really - and since you can't control what the others do, all you can control is your own response, then the easy thing is to say "sorry, can't manage the changed arrangements, going shopping instead, might see you at lunch venue later if you're still there".

Mrsjayy · 15/09/2015 09:27

Yeah ^^ its ok to suit yourself people like your friend are so full of themselves that they dont see or care how others feel bugger that.

Theycallmemellowjello · 15/09/2015 09:32

Yes, stick with the shopping and just meet up with the one friend for lunch. Suggest a more convenient location if that one doesn't work. Tbh I would have thought that she is assuming you would do this anyway - I doubt she thinks she is preventing you all shopping and she prob thought lunch would figure at some point anyway and she'd just join for that bit. She's rude in how she raised it, but I wouldn't be offended if a friend did this. She probably can't be arsed to go round the shops (I would never agree to a group shopping trip myself! Maybe she just went along with the idea originally...). But it does come across that you dislike her, so I agree with pps that it may be time to stop calling her a friend.

CarlaJones · 15/09/2015 09:34

Probably already been said, but i think the annoying bit is that you weren't consulted when they changed to lunch. No "We'll just check Shpock is happy to change to lunch" They just presented it as a done deal, as if only flakey friend's wishes matter. I would just probably say "Oh that's a shame. I still need to go to the shopping centre as i ordered a t shirt to be collected from Next then, so I can't make lunch. Have fun." You need to stop going along with what annoying woman wants. If the friends are worth having they'll realise they are better off making plans with you than being messed around by flakey

OurBlanche · 15/09/2015 09:39

Don't say 'need to go shopping' tell them straight you want to go shopping, so you will!

"Sorry to hear XX has changed her mind. I still want to go shopping butI may catch up with you for lunch. Have fun!"

Don't bother with the feeble excuse, just say what you want and let them dig the bones out of it!

multivac · 15/09/2015 09:41

YANBU. The earlier poster, who is pissed off with the 'friend' who keeps on spoiling her fun by being too poor and not having her own transport is, imo, BABFU.

CarlaJones · 15/09/2015 09:47

I wouldn't bother saying you might still catch up with them for lunch. Just don't bother meeting them for lunch at all if they are messing you around.

Mintyy · 15/09/2015 09:50

No no no! There is no reason to apologise for going shopping or making excuses like picking up a t-shirt from Next, or even saying you are "disappointed". Just say you are going shopping and that's that. You don't even need to put a x at the end of the text!

Mintyy · 15/09/2015 09:51

Yes, as a pp said, be assertive.

CarlaJones · 15/09/2015 09:52

I was just saying what i would do. Op is free to choose which of people's suggestions she does and doesn't want to use. No one's going to be forcing her!

OurBlanche · 15/09/2015 09:56

Oh Carla

I included the 'might catch up for lunch, so OP could have the express pleasure of not responding to texts on the day and not going anywhere near their lunch

Hopefully OP will like some of the suggestions... and can let us know what The Finicky One has to say about a minion daring to bale on her.

lorelei9 · 15/09/2015 10:00

this isn't a friend

ditch!

Makeminered · 15/09/2015 10:01

I don't think lunch is in the same town as the shopping was going to be.

I'd text

I'm still want to go shopping in x town. Does anyone want to join me and princess can meet us for lunch there?

CarlaJones · 15/09/2015 10:10

this isn't a friend

ditch!

This

AlisonWunderland · 15/09/2015 10:33

"I intend to go shopping as we all originally planned. Anyone who wants to join me is very welcome- we can do lunch after shopping"

MrsMook · 15/09/2015 10:46

YANBU. The earlier poster, who is pissed off with the 'friend' who keeps on spoiling her fun by being too poor and not having her own transport is, imo, BABFU.

Should one person in a group always call the shots? It's a large group so there is always someone that the logistics of a plan won't work for. Plenty of other people in the group have their own logistical barriers including their shifts, transport and finances, but they'll concede that it's not viable rather than confusing an existing set of arrangements and then excluding people that could previously make it. If all people in the group behaved like that, there wouldn't be a group at all. She manages to make more meet-ups than most and it's just not practical to arrange all meet-ups to one person's needs and preferences.

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multivac · 15/09/2015 10:51

It sounds like a fun group.

Orrery · 15/09/2015 10:52

I think we all know someone like that! Someone who just can't seem to get their bloody act together and stick with the fecking plan for once, I mean how hard can it be? We all have jobs, we all have lives, we all have children, elderly parents, dogs to walk, shopping to do, medical conditions to manage, bills to pay - how hard can it fecking be to just GET ORGANISED ;)

Friendship groups should be about tolerating everyones' weirdness, and it sounds like she isn't taking account of your need to have friends who are on time, reliable, and who do what they say they are going to do - I mean it shows you can count on them in a crisis right??

So unless there is a very genuine reason for her not being able to make this shopping trip, do tell all three of them that you'd like to stick with the original plan of shopping and emphasize that it is because you were really looking forward to that particular day and because you have already rearranged this once before. Just be careful you're not digging your heels in for the sake of it :)

diddl · 15/09/2015 10:55

None of them sound like friends sadly, do they?

If one doesn't want to go shopping, fair enough.

But why should it affect the others?

You just say that you'd rather not.

And if you're really a friend then you ask if you can meet them for lunch whilst they're shopping.

And if you don't want to drive/travel the hour just for lunch then you maybe suggest dinner or drinks that evening.

Or just say that you'll catch up soon.

Why the others have to cancel their plans as well is beyond me.

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