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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that one friend always has to tweak arrangements to suit her?

102 replies

schpock · 14/09/2015 22:12

I regularly meet up with 3 friends. Each time I meet them there is one friend who always claims to be incredibly busy and who always has to tweak everything to suit her, and then is generally late or tweaks it again to suit her once we've changed plans. The other two are happy to accommodate her so I have to go along with it too or risk looking like a bitch.

This Saturday the three of us were meant to be going shopping at a city an hour away from where we live. I was looking forward to going here as it's a lovely place and I've not been there for ages, and I wanted to go in a particular couple of shops there.

The date was originally changed from last weekend to this weekend, as it didn't suit this friend to go last weekend.

Now this evening one of the other friends has sent me a text saying that this friend doesn't want to go shopping now and would prefer to just meet for lunch instead and that we are meeting at 1pm at X pub.

I have not replied yet as I am so fuming about it and don't want to reply in anger. But I know that even if I reply that I am disappointed and would still like to go shopping it will be a case of "sorry but we are doing lunch now".

To make matters worse, the friend who wants to change plans will probably be late anyway and we'll all be sat there for half an hour waiting with the other two cracking jovial jokes about how busy she must be.

OP posts:
Saltedcaramel4 · 14/09/2015 22:52

Text back 'oh dear. I really need to get some things in x town on Sunday. Can x meet us all for lunch in x town?

BerylStreep · 14/09/2015 22:54

I have a relative of DH who does this. She's lovely, but absolutely frustrating - she always has to change plans at the last minute, usually with a prolonged drama. Her DD has been diagnosed with pathological demand avoidance syndrome (PDAS), and I sometimes wonder if there is a genetic element.

Honestly, google it, and a lot might make sense. Not that it really excuses things.

laffymeal · 14/09/2015 22:55

Where is carlywurlys thread, can someone link it please

MrsMook · 14/09/2015 22:58

I know the type. There's one I know who's repeatedly buggered up plans to suit her lack of budget and lack of transport (which therefore means we have to arrange around her DP's shifts) Several times plans have collapsed completely in the confusion that she throws up. The trouble is it's hard to counter it and sound reasonable when what she is suggesting is logistically viable.
When plans really can't be adapted around her e.g. specific activity at inaccessible location she goes all sad faced.
It's quite tough to stand up to without getting to a bitchy level.

Original poster
schpock · 14/09/2015 23:00

I don't think my friend has PDAS, I think she just truly believes the whole world revolves round her.

OP posts:
Original poster
schpock · 14/09/2015 23:02

One time we all went to lunch and she asked me to give her a lift.

I got to her house and she wasn't there. I phoned her and she said she was at another friend's house at the opposite side of her estate and to phone her when I got there (as she couldn't possibly wait outside for me). I stupidly did as instructed and then had to wait a further 15 minutes in my car whilst she finished chatting with her friend.

This is the type of person she is.

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 14/09/2015 23:03

Bloody hell. You've done well to stick her this long. Cheeky cow!

SuckingEggs · 14/09/2015 23:07

Why do you bother? Seriously...

Original poster
schpock · 14/09/2015 23:08

I am beginning to wonder why.....

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 14/09/2015 23:10

In that case you have to get all cheery and doing things regardless of her (and possibly without the other friends).

I remember years ago, a friend of a friend was quite like this. We were in a ski resort that had one final bus to get back to our hotel. She asked us to wait for her to get the bus back, then decided she wanted to stay out partying, making us miss the bus. I said to her that she could have told us in the first place that she planned to change her mind. Well you would have thought I had told her I wished all her children would walk backwards from her reaction. She had clearly never had anyone challenge her on her selfishness before. Grin

ilovesooty · 14/09/2015 23:11

I wouldn't go. And I'd not be continuing contact in your position. Is there anything you actually like about her?

SuckingEggs · 14/09/2015 23:14

Play her at her own game (if you can be bothered).

Just say, yep, we know how busy you are so we are letting you off the hook - we'd planned to go shopping and that's what we're going to do. Sorry about lunch. Maybe another time when things calm down for you.

Muckogy · 14/09/2015 23:15

don't go to the town with them. go on your own and shop.
maybe consider ditching the high maintenance friend?

Original poster
schpock · 14/09/2015 23:16

The others have already agreed that they will drop shopping plans and go to lunch with her instead though, so I think I'll just have to bail on the lunch and go off and do my own thing.

Sometimes it's less hassle to do things on your own.

OP posts:
MagickPants · 14/09/2015 23:21

you're right, don't bother with her, just go shopping. Make sure the others know what you're doing and have the choice to join you as they may well do so.

two weeks after my dd2 was born I had a lunch planned with friends. It turned out to be a really sunny day so someone decided it was going to be a picnic on the common instead of the lunch in a cafe. I then couldn't come as I didn't feel able to walk over the common carrying food and a new baby and a toddler and then sit on the ground. I explained this and everyone just accepted that I couldn't make it. that didn't feel great.

Several hours later, one of the friends, heavily pregnant, turned up on my doorstep having walked a mile to come and tell me she wished I could come and had missed me and wanted to meet my baby. I will love her for ever for this

MagickPants · 14/09/2015 23:23

x-posted
It is nice to do things alone sometimes but it is still worth giving your other friends a chance, if not now then then some other time

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 14/09/2015 23:29

I would say something like "I'm going to stick with the original plan as I've been looking forward to it. Hope you have a lovely lunch and I'll see you all soon." I tend not to be friendly with that sort of person for very long though, I suspect they find me 'inflexible'. Grin

bostonkremekrazy · 14/09/2015 23:35

i'd just text back - ooh I need to pick up some bits in town so its shopping for me. everyone welcome, just let me know if anyone fancies sticking to the original plan - no worries otherwise see you another time.x

Fatmomma99 · 15/09/2015 00:06

It's on this page too, but I liked a combination of what maddening and Wizadora1 said.

What I would do is say "great: Lunch at 1pm at xxx place, but I also want to shop, so I'm going to get there at 10, shop til I drop and then come and meet you all for lunch. If any of the other two want to join me, that's great, otherwise I'll meet you all at lunchtime"

And then DO this. Turn up to lunch (late, obvs, with several texts beforehand to say you're on you way, so they def have to wait for you) with overflowing bags (with which to dominate the conversation).

If they DON'T wait for you, like you always waited for your friend, EITHER call them on it, or never see them again.

If they join you shopping, that's a message for princess lady.

NEXT meeting up, you change it first for some reason and see how much they accommodate you.

(p.s. I find it v easy to be assertive sat behind a computer screen!)

pluck · 15/09/2015 07:32

Placemarking, to hear how they all respond to your response!

DoreenLethal · 15/09/2015 08:12

You are all not really her friends, but her minions.

Not really worth it is it?

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 15/09/2015 08:20

I just couldn't be bothered with this, she is mugging all of you off, particularly after hearing the story where you drive across town and waited for her like a taxi!!! I think she has Princess syndrome and you are all enabling her.

I would text back 'sorry, that doesn't work for me unfortunately as I need to go into town and pick up some things as we arranged originally. I'll drop you a text when I'm next free and hopefully we can arrange something then'

DoreenLethal · 15/09/2015 08:29

Why unfortunately?

I'd say 'We've already changed the dates to suit her once, and now we are changing the actual meeting - I am off to town. Enjoy your lunch, which of course she will be late for.'

2rebecca · 15/09/2015 08:31

I prefer shopping on my own, I can spend ages in shops I like and whizz in and out of those I've decided have nothing for me.
I would stop arranging to meet with this friend though and maybe just suggest going with one of the friends in future, not doing the group thing.

hesterton · 15/09/2015 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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