To be annoyed that one friend always has to tweak arrangements to suit her?

[schpock]

I regularly meet up with 3 friends. Each time I meet them there is one friend who always claims to be incredibly busy and who always has to tweak everything to suit her, and then is generally late or tweaks it again to suit her once we've changed plans. The other two are happy to accommodate her so I have to go along with it too or risk looking like a bitch.

This Saturday the three of us were meant to be going shopping at a city an hour away from where we live. I was looking forward to going here as it's a lovely place and I've not been there for ages, and I wanted to go in a particular couple of shops there.

The date was originally changed from last weekend to this weekend, as it didn't suit this friend to go last weekend.

Now this evening one of the other friends has sent me a text saying that this friend doesn't want to go shopping now and would prefer to just meet for lunch instead and that we are meeting at 1pm at X pub.

I have not replied yet as I am so fuming about it and don't want to reply in anger. But I know that even if I reply that I am disappointed and would still like to go shopping it will be a case of "sorry but we are doing lunch now".

To make matters worse, the friend who wants to change plans will probably be late anyway and we'll all be sat there for half an hour waiting with the other two cracking jovial jokes about how busy she must be.

[multivac]

She manages to make more meet-ups than most

and yet she's

repeatedly buggered up plans to suit her lack of budget and lack of transport... Several times plans have collapsed completely in the confusion that she throws up

Jesus. How often does this "large group" make complex plans for its Highly Organised Socialising then?

[CarlaJones]

The thing about her making you wait in the car while she finished chatting is ridiculous. It's as if she enjoys lording it over you. Wonder if she was either a spoilt brat kid or a Queen Bee type at school with a gang of minions hanging on her every word and waiting for their next instruction! You can do better op.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

shoesSHOES Tue 15-Sep-15 11:20:09

^^ This.

Sorry not to catch up with you both but I've already postponed the day at X from last weekend at X's request and I'm going ahead with our original plan for this weekend as there's stuff I want to buy sooner rather than later.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Hm I get what people mean about not wanting to be a walkover, but at the same time it does sound as if the other friends have got together and decided that they cba with shopping and that they'd prefer to just get lunch. I know that they've said that it's at the instigation of the one friend you don't like, but it sounds like the others have agreed to it. I get that it's rude to just tell you not ask you, but this is also the kind of thing that happens when you have a group - it's hard to coordinate with everyone. To put it bluntly you've been out-voted. Personally I would roll my eyes and think less of a friend if she sent a PA message about how she was going shopping anyway but have fun at lunch. They're going to take that as a snub - not just the friend you don't like but the others as well. If you can't get shopping incorporated in the day, I would just go along with the plan and tell them how you feel at the lunch. What's the point of PA messaging in the hope that they'll guess your true feelings? And what's the point in cutting off your nose to spite your face - surely a pub lunch with friends is more fun than going shopping alone?

[Owlycat]

I don't get why you'd think less of a friend if they went shopping and didn't go along with your plans? I wasn't intending to be passive aggressive, just to do what I want to do that day. I'm not obliged to go for lunch just because the others want to. And fair enough I was outvoted but no one even consulted me on my 'vote'

[diddl]

"it does sound as if the other friends have got together and decided that they cba with shopping and that they'd prefer to just get lunch."

Which is fine, but there's been no attempt to rearrange, and it has been cancelled once already.

How long is OP supposed to wait for the shopping trip??

"They're going to take that as a snub"

How so?

They've all changed the plans & told OP what it happening.

Aren't they the ones snubbing her?

[BolshierAyraStark]

I'd just text & say 'No that doesn't work for me, I'll stick with the shopping. Enjoy your lunch'
Leave at that & avoid in future as I'm sorry but this is not how friends behave.

[mikado1]

Yanbu I have the same-agrees and then changes day/time/venue. It's as if one person's time is worth more than others eg arranged to call to me at 10.30am, changed it to 11 at 10.15, arrived at 12 Etc etc. You should definitely make a stand on this one as it's quite a big plan. Inmy ccase the friend cannot say no to anything so tries to squeeze too much in and expects others to accommodate. Imo mobile phones facilitate this behaviour.

[anothernumberone]

Definitely go shopping my reply would be 'Oh I cannot make lunch. I really need to get an x winter coat and after freezing this week on the school run since we missed last week because of you flaking I will be going on Saturday.' No have fun without me or sorry to miss out just carry on as planned.

[anothernumberone]

Going shopping obviously

[Makeminered]

What did you say op?

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

Your overthinking op. Just text back saying, you need to get some shopping, shame they wont make it, see you all soon. Is work the reason she keeps needing to change plans? I work shifts and it makes planning in advance a nightmare. I never dictate to my friends though or expect them to change things , she is unreasonable for that.

[2rebecca]

Agree she should have just said "sorry I can't make it". As you are all adults though the rest of you could have discussed her inability to make shopping and decided to stick to your existing plans. The other 2 CHOSE not to so I don't think flaky friend is the only problem.

[CrapBag]

Well done for not pandering to her.

I know someone like this. Every time, she will change something. But it's always with an air of 'oh I'm just suggesting this as an alternative then i'll keep mentioning it until everyone agrees with me and changes' every fucking time. I'm the only person who stands up and says 'nope, doesn't suit me, I'm sticking to this' or I just decline. Now I'm the bad person and I don't get included anymore whilst they are all still her bumlickers.

I've come to the conclusion I'm not cut out for group friendships either. Mainly because of this person. She really screwed up a night away last year, which I was going on and invited them along. One thing she tried to change to her convenience I wasn't having it at all. She didn't like it. Every thing else she got worked in her favour down to when we ate, the fact that she shared a room with someone she didn't know rather than me, when they went shopping (and left me behind without waking me and refused to then go in 1 shop that I wanted to) and the time we left. I swore I'd never go anywhere with her again. Everyone seems to say "oh whatever's best for you hun" ffs. I don't think they liked me with my opinions, honesty and stubbornness .

[traviata]

I also know someone- in fact a couple, and they are both like this, but the DH part of the couple does it in a shambolic, oh-I'm-so-disorganised way.

I suspect his DW makes him constantly change his plans to fit in with anything she wants to do.

The high point came when they heard that other friends had guests coming, and had booked a table for a meal at a nice local venue. The couple invited themselves along, tried get the friends to change the time, and when that failed (because the visitors were arriving later) they phoned the venue and just changed the time there. So the friends and their guests arrived at the venue as planned, to find that they had missed their booking and there wasn't a table available.

[2rebecca]

I presume they are now ex-friends of that couple

[ElinoristhenewEnid]

I had one of these in a group of friends - due to being so important and 'busy' changed a group meal to an evening that I was unable to make but the majority went with that evening so I gracefully bowed out. Found out afterwards she never turned up for the meal.!!

[Mrsbeetonsbloomers]

Quick name change as this may out me to anyone who I know! Friend has form for causing drama in any given situation.

Went to a very close mutual friend's wedding recently with dp, friend and her dp. She obviously couldn't change or control the arrangements of someone else's wedding day so what she did instead was demand to leave straight after the evening meal, before the first dance, evening do etc. Bear in mind these are close friends and we'd all been looking forward to this for ages.

We were travelling (her dp was driving) and staying with her (at her invitation) and due to a major event in the area that day there was no other accommodation or transport to be had. We'd had all the wine and toasts by that point and I couldn't drive my car home either.

When nobody else was keen to leave including her dp (the evening guests were just arriving and the band was starting), she went and sat in the car outside. She sulked out in the carpark for about 2 hours until we felt we couldn't leave her there any longer. She was so livid when we all got in the car she didn't speak to any of us. The next day she left the house at the crack of dawn and we didn't see her. Not been mentioned since.

So bloody awkward. Never again will we rely on her.

[Fatmomma99]

Oh WOW, MrsBeeton!

[HeyCattyBoomBoom]

MrsBeeston, you're not seriously going to remain friends with her are you?

[Mrsbeetonsbloomers]

It was all so odd it was a bit surreal. I asked dp if I'd dreamt it. Sadly not.
She didn't even say goodbye to the bride and groom - 2 of her closest friends. Unforgivably rude.

We've been friends for a while. She's always had an odd side but recently she's not trying to hide it. I'm genuinely unsure whether she's mentally unwell or just manipulative. I could fill a thread on her behaviour this year alone.

I'm not one for bust ups but we've definitely cooled things off with them since.

[AuntieMeemz]

Oh I know your pain! I have a friend the same. Whatever is planned between 3 of us, ALWAYS ha to be changed for her by her, every time. It's good advice to just text back and say 'what a shame, can't make it, or ''I have to go (on agreed date) I can't change my plans'. My other 2 friends are always happy to accommodate her and just change their plans. I just wonder why she is like that. If I organise a weekend away, it always has to be changed to suit her. Recently I have just said I'm have to go on agreed day or time. Surprisingly, when the others say they are going as planned, suddenly friend can make it, or turns up with an excuse! She used to get away with it because nobody ever challenged her. Now I stay away. I think the others have too, because she is getting more desperate and texting us often with invites. I've just ignored them, I think I'm not the only one.

[Mrsbeetonsbloomers]

Are they just all massive control freaks I wonder..

[2rebecca]

If you like some aspects of these womens' personalities, they are friends so there must be some reason they're a friend then I'd probably point out that their inability to stick to arrangements and want to selfishly change them every single time is affecting your friendship rather than dump them.
If you don't like them much anyway then dump them but it seems a shame not to point out what should be glaringly obvious to them but obviously isn't if they keep being selfish and flaky despite friends dropping them.
I don't have any friends like this (but have moved about a lot so my close friends are scattered and I tend not to have friends I go for coffee etc with as I'm working or with family or doing hobbies etc.)