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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if the sex of a child is not determinable you don't just guess?

80 replies

MummaV · 14/09/2015 10:20

At a wedding on Saturday with DD (in a pink dress in her purple pram) and 3 separate people referred to her as "little man" or "cute little fella" despite being told her evidently feminine name and seeing her dress. Granted the first person didn't see her dress as she was asleep under a blanket but he is a friend who sees pictures of her and comments on Facebook frequently.

I understand some babies wearing unisex clothes without any obvious markers it can sometimes be difficult to tell, at which point you just don't mention he/she etc surely? You dont just assume all babies are male/female?

I don't think DD looks particularly male but as a baby with little hair she doesn't look overly feminine either.

This has happened quite a few times, with usually men, assuming DD is a boy.

AIBU to think that if you aren't sure you dont comment? And to be a little paranoid that DD evidently looks like a boy even in a pink dress??

OP posts:

Sighing · 14/09/2015 10:24

Really. Don't worry. She is a girl, so she looks like a girl. It's really usual for people to get the gender wrong (laziness? Habit from a baby in their life?).
I wouldn't assume a girl from a purple pram though ..... i always assume the mum chose the pram because they like it! A dress (whilst traditionally for any baby) is a bit more of a give away though.

NullaBore · 14/09/2015 10:27

I had a little old lady look into dd pram with her in pink top to toe fecking dh, and exclaim what a lovely little boy.

I just said thank you and smiled.

LittleBearPad · 14/09/2015 10:27

Don't worry. It happens all the time. People don't pay attention tbh.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/09/2015 10:33

People just aren't that observant, I've found.

And the default assumed sex for babies appears to be male.

It isn't a big deal.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/09/2015 10:38

I think it happens a lot. DD, in her pram with a pink hood, pink blanket and pink wooly hat... 'Isn't he lovely!'

Lightbulbon · 14/09/2015 10:41

Why is it bothering you?

All my DCs have been 'misgendered' by strangers.

It happens.

MaidOfStars · 14/09/2015 10:43

Interestingly, had this conversation with a work colleague last week. He is baffled at why people care if someone mistakes the sex/gender of their baby.

LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 10:45

Tie one of those stupid bows round her head if it really bothers you. Your DD is a baby. They all look much of a muchness to be honest :)

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 14/09/2015 10:47

I had this all the time when my b/g twins were young, "oh two little boys how lovely"

I think it's generally done to bald babies. I'm not sure why - it's not as if girls are born with pigtails.

My two were generally dressed very differently when they were babies DD was most often in some pink, frilly concoction that we'd been given as a present, so it was pretty obvious she was a girl.

It's not a comment on your DD's looks, some people just turn into idiots when faced with a baby you should have heard all the stupid twin questions.

OverTheHandlebars · 14/09/2015 10:50

Boy and girl babies do look the same though so I guess it's reasonable that people make mistakes. Although it is a bit unusual when people do it when a girl is dressed head to toe in pink. I agree with the poster that said it's probably a habit from another baby they know.

DoJo · 14/09/2015 10:50

I think second children are much harder to guess from their clothes, because you never know what might be a hand-me-down! I wouldn't be offended though - for some reason I think many people default to boy because it's seen as 'less bad' to think a girl is a boy than to accidentally 'accuse' a boy of being a girl.

onlywhenyouleave · 14/09/2015 10:50

I remember when DS1 was around 1, he was always referred to as a girl by strangers! This was despite being dressed in 'little boy' clothes but he had curly blonde hair and was 'pretty' - I never corrected anyone but it did amuse me!

LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 10:52

Sunshine - do people ask you if they're identical? That happens to my friend with boy/girl twins a lot :o

Scarydinosaurs · 14/09/2015 10:54

You'll care less and less. Invariably it's because they have a child of that gender and it's a habit.

Seriouslyffs · 14/09/2015 10:57

Get her ears pierced. Then everyone will know.

Original poster

MummaV · 14/09/2015 10:58

I just don't understand why people make assumptions. If you don't know something you shouldn't comment.
Maybe it's just me as I've never assumed, if I can't tell I either don't comment or make a neutral comment.

It just annoys me that even people we know well can't be bothered to remember that I have a daughter not a son.

It's ignorant and lazy.

I don't even know why its annoyed me so much as I'm not usually sensitive to these things at all. Just overly hormonal and stressed at the moment I guess.

OP posts:

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 14/09/2015 10:59

Lynda - yes, the number one question.

Also:

Were they IVF?
Are the 'real' twins
Can you tell them apart (they didn't look alike as babies btw)
Which is your favourite?
Which is the bad twin?
Can they communicate psychically?
Do they have a twin language?

How polite my responses were varied. I didn't try very hard to be polite to strangers asking about IVF though.

Alisvolatpropiis · 14/09/2015 11:01

Op, they're making small talk but setting out with to ruin your day.

It's hardly like mis-gendering your baby is up there insult wise with calling her ugly.

Write girl on her forehead if it bothers you that much.

Floggingmolly · 14/09/2015 11:02

It's a natural consequence to this obsession for boys to be allowed to wear dresses and have pink everything without comment from anyone.
The outrage expressed on here if anything negative is said about a 5 year old boy wanting to wear a pink dress to school's own clothes day...
Then a baby girl is dressed in pink and people are equally pissed off that some people don't automatically assume she's a girl.
Can't have it every way.

LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 11:05

OMG Sunshine That's so rude!

YeahOkayWhatever · 14/09/2015 11:05

I can top that. I once had an older woman in a public bathroom coo over my 3 month old son and say what a bonnie little lass he was. I wouldn't have raised an eyebrow if it was for the fact I was wiping his shit smeared balls at the time.
she must have left her glasses at home.

3littlebadgers · 14/09/2015 11:09

My ds1 always used to get 'she'. He still has beautiful, thick eyelashes and a pretty face even at 10y. I'm desperate to try mascara on him just to see the limits those eyelashes could go to, but he's having non of it . I, in contrast have very tiny, thin, blonde eyelashes in comparison, and just look at them longingly.

SoupDragon · 14/09/2015 11:11

If you a re the sort of person who takes offence at someone getting the sex of your baby wrong, you are probably the type who would get offended if they asked you whether it was a boy or a girl or refers to them as "they".

LadySheherazade · 14/09/2015 11:15

Sunshine - I can top that!

Identical twin boys - little old lady thought one was a girl and they were cousins! I thought it was funny tbh, didn't have it in me to get wound up by misgendering.

YABU OP because I really don't know why it bothers you.

treaclesoda · 14/09/2015 11:16

My MIL refers to babies, and in fact pretty much all children, as 'it'.

My DD was always mistaken for a boy too. It was mildly baffling, rather than blood boilingly enraging. Having her grandmother call her 'it' on the other hand...

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