To think I can't be expected to take responsibility for elderly relative

[twoandahalftimesthree]

My grandma is 90 and lives close to my parents who have just gone on holiday for three weeks. While they are away I look after their dog and take responsibility for my grandma too. I usually call to see her for a half hour chat 4 out of 5 weekdays while they are away.
I have a brother who lives about 20 miles away and he always comes to see her at weekends.
My parents go away for at least three weeks at a time three times a year and I always do this but this time I am feeling it is too big a responsibility.
I run my own business and September is always a really busy month (I've worked 6 days this week and have been catching up a lot at home on top). dd has just started secondary school and has been quite nervous about it and needed support. ds goes to a special school and is struggling to settle into his new class so we have had some very challenging evenings with him this week.
The upshot of this is that I have not managed to see her for three days and I feel absolutely terrible about it but also feel that I just can't fit it in. What is reasonable?

When would OP fit long, chatty phone calls in between working 6 days a week, looking after 2 children one of who with SEN has been distressed in the evening?

Do we even know if the grandmother wants visits and phone calls every day?

If OP had started a thread 'AIBU to feel snowed under?' Just mentioning her home and work situation, there would have been lots of 'of course not, you need to find the for you type responses.

I don't understand how OP"s difficulties are supposed to dissolve away in the face of an elderly relative.

OP - I travel 20 miles each way to and from work. It isn't an unreasonable distance to ask your brother to travel. Does he drive?

I think you'd be fine to rule out you stepping up your visiting in September. Your business and did shouldn't suffer so your parents can go on holiday specifically in September.

It sounds like you're already happy to do it at other times so yanbu. I don't know why you're getting such a flaming

YANBU and I'm sorry some posters have given you a hard time. I say that as someone with two elderly relatives who I care for on a daily basis.

I think it would be a good idea to manage your dgm's expectations next time, e.g. say you will be visiting 3 times a week instead of 5, and also see if your brother could visit weekly.

I envy you parents being able to get away 9 weeks a year. We manage 2 but it is like a military exercise getting everything in place in advance to care for the mums!

I don't think YANBU at all. This stuff is really hard and it sounds like it isn't being made easier by her refusing to have a paid helper.

I feel for you OP

I do think your folks should have talked about having a holiday at a better time.

sorry, that should say "I don't think YABU" - you know what I mean!!

I would not do this to my children. So you need to discuss it with your parents when they get back. It is up to them to approach your Granma.

Despite what Granma says, if they explain to her that it is in her interest for all parties to remain physically and mentally well, so that you all can continue to look after her, perhaps she would shape up.

The only way I could get my MIL ( who had brokenher hip) to come and stay with us for three months, was to play on her love for her son. The 250 mile round trip, on top of a full time job was killing him.

She said, ' I can manage ' and I countered by saying that ' unfortunately your dear son cannot manage. He is suffering !!! I then had to endure her for three months.

My Dad went for respite care which is allowed on the NHS ( I think it was one week). Also, if your Gran was married to anyone in the forces, St Dunstans offer a week.

Other than that you HAVE TO LEAVE them to get on with it and try not to feel guilty. If they turn down offers of help then that is their responsibility.

We are in the midst of it now, ( sighs) and not one of our oldies have made any provision for their old age. They just stagger from one crisis to another and we then pick up the pieces.

We don't let our children get involved though. They love their GP and gist them but I have done the bottom cleaning and bathing etc. ( lovely)

It is very very stressful, and to those who are criticising the post for her efforts, I think she is a Saint and I know how she feels.

Unless YOU have looked after elderly difficult relatives for years, then you can bog off.

You asked for opinions and that's mine. YABU. But you don't need to give reasons or in my opinion excuses. It's obviously up to you if you go or not.

this is a good example of how women are pressured , reviled, emo blackmailed etc by other women, to do more than they are able to do. How thin can you stretch yourself, op, to make time for this on top of everything else? Maybe give up a few hours of sleep? And if you refuse to do that, lets train your dd for her role as society's free caregiver and tell her to ride her bike a few hours and do whatever. Plus your gm has the money to pay for a support person but she wont even discuss it? You may have to do whatever you can this time op, but do not let yourself be put in this position again. It's not fair to you and your family. BTW I like the idea of the paid person going with you to meet gm and introduce her as your friend. BUT who would be paying $$ for that?

This is a consequence of people living longer, living further away from each other, having kids later (so you are caring for kids and parents) and 2 adults in a family working. It's unlikely I would be responsible for 4 elderly people 50 years ago but I'd probably not be working, they'd probably be local and my own kids would be older so it would be different.

YY to this. I think possibly why some elderly women, in particular, take the attitude that they don't want help from outsiders is that they did this for their parents, they paid their dues and now they should be able to be cared for by family members. But times are changing as younger, middle aged women are in jobs, run their own businesses and suddenly don't have the time, energy or, God forbid it, inclination to spend a considerable portion of their waking hours caring for elderly relatives.

I think a poster above summed it up for me; do you want your kids or grandkids to come over and see it as a chore, doing your washing, ironing, hoovering, helping you with personal care, cooking you a meal every night, or do you want them to call in for a cup of tea to have a chat or bring their own children over to see you?

I don't think we even know whether the grandmother WANTS lots of visits and phone calls.

Completely agree that OP sounds stretched thin enough as it is.

this is a good example of how women are pressured , reviled, emo blackmailed etc by other women, to do more than they are able to do.

Entirely agree.
OP, YANBU.

I would do anything to have the chance to go and see my grandmother again, to speak to her for 5 minutes. They are a treasure and you will regret it when, like me, you can't speak to her anymore.

she may also regret not being there for her children, minnie, who also grow fast and need support. She may regret not being able to work when she is off with stress. anything could happen to anyone at any time. you have to live life with the resources you have and the time you have. there is no guarantee that her children will be there longer than her gran.

Oh dear God I hate these 'anything for 5 minutes with my grandma' posts. We all have dead relatives but we have our first duty to the children we brought in to this world. You can't get 5 minutes with a dead person so it's meaningless nonsense.
OP you really need to pull your parents up on their co-ordination. You have commitments that override their holiday. The beginning of term is always a bit disorganised. A holiday between mid September and mid October would be better.

Giddy and BlackeyedSusan I totally agree.

My mother "paid her dues" looking after her "terminally ill" creaking door mother around the clock - from when I was 6 months old until I was 21. My grandmother was a selfish harridan who had successfully drilled into my rather messed-up mother that only bad people ever get any form of outside help. My mother was depressed and stressed my entire childhood, and we saw anything to do with grandmother as being a chore that would involve washing sheets, cooking, cleaning bathrooms, enduring the daily grinding details of grandmother's pretty unpleasant views of the world, etc. We spent far too much time there. Every day after school I spent afternoons either sitting in the car for hours while Mum went in, or went in, for hours. As soon as I was old enough (10) I spent all my afternoons at home by myself rather than spend time with my grandmother.

My other grandmother ran her own life and then organised her own outside help. We went there for nice cups of tea. She was a delight and I miss her.

They probably weren't that different to begin with.

Giddy, if that's the case and you've seen it before I pressume there are others that think like me. There must be nothing worse than being old and alone

OP, I was in a similar situation up until a few months ago with my grandfather. I wasn't expected to visit daily but he didn't want any carers coming into his retirement village but expected that family should do it. I was the only relative left in his city though. Eventually my aunty came and took him over to live in a nursing home close to her.

I don't think YABU. I have an elderly grandmother who is very frail and needs a lot of intimate care but refuses point blank to have any paid carers come in. She refuses point blank to go into respite to give her main family carer a break. She moans that she is bored but won't attend any suitable day centres. She just expects family to stop their normal lives and be on call constqntly to provide the care and company that she requires.

Your parents are entitled to have a break as caring is stressful and tiring but that doesn't mean that you should be responsible for picking up the slack whilst they are away. If your grandmother wants company and needs care then she should go into respite or have paid carers coming in when your parents are away.

It really riles me that people automatically think family are able to just drop their normal lives to provide care for elderly or sick relatives. Fine if the relatives want to do it, but otherwise outside agencies are required.

I would hate to be a burden on my children or grandchildren when I am older or sick.

I am a full time carer to a disabled child but I don't begrudge looking after him and I am happy to provide the care he needs. I wouldn't want to be in a position of looking after my grandmother though as that is not the same and would feel like a burden.

To everyone having a go the "imo" means in my opinion. Therefore I wasn't saying it's right for everyone. And how on earth do you know whether or not my child has SN?

And, I am genuinely sorry if I offended anyone. I was merely giving my opinion based on what I do. I cannot base it on anything else because I am not anyone else. I thought the aibu thread was people giving their views and is in fact open for people to talk about what they find reasonable.

The only grandparents I knew were really horrible. I wouldn't wish 5 minutes with them on my worst enemy.

OP - YANBU

There are only so many hours in the week and only so much emotional capacity for coping with life. Your grandma refuses paid help then that's her choice. Your parents choose not to force the issue and continue to provide care and that's their choice. You haven't been given a choice just an expectation and it is unfair.

And I say that as someone with a young child, who works full time, has a partner with health issues and who takes responsibility for organising my parents' care. I will not provide care. I will not damage my relationship with them by reducing my time with them to simply coping with the practicalities. It was a long hard road to get them to accept care but it was absolutely the best thing for them - increased social contact, more relaxed time with family, more professional and knowledgeable care etc

That's an important distinction CarrotVan between organising and giving care.

And yes, it seems that everyone else in the family is allowed to exercise their choice in the area of grandmother's care except OP.