To think I can't be expected to take responsibility for elderly relative

[twoandahalftimesthree]

My grandma is 90 and lives close to my parents who have just gone on holiday for three weeks. While they are away I look after their dog and take responsibility for my grandma too. I usually call to see her for a half hour chat 4 out of 5 weekdays while they are away.
I have a brother who lives about 20 miles away and he always comes to see her at weekends.
My parents go away for at least three weeks at a time three times a year and I always do this but this time I am feeling it is too big a responsibility.
I run my own business and September is always a really busy month (I've worked 6 days this week and have been catching up a lot at home on top). dd has just started secondary school and has been quite nervous about it and needed support. ds goes to a special school and is struggling to settle into his new class so we have had some very challenging evenings with him this week.
The upshot of this is that I have not managed to see her for three days and I feel absolutely terrible about it but also feel that I just can't fit it in. What is reasonable?

Does she actually need looking after?

If not, surely it's OK to visit when you can, once or twice a week whilst your parents are away?

Wow some of you need to wind your necks in.

OP says she is finding it hard to visit 4 out of 5 weekdays not a couple of times in 3 weeks.

She is also feeling bad about it already.

Plus she has to deal with a dog, her DS/DD settling into a new school and a busy work period.

Can you pay a dog carer to take that off your plate?

Not sure what else you can do at such short notice however you need to tell you DP it was too much and you can't do as much next time.

I think this post evoked such a strong reaction, because most adults would love to go back in time and spend more of it with their grandparents.
I think you should definitely have a chat with your parents when they get back though.

If you can afford to pay send your dd by cab to visit her. Some cab companies have crb checked drivers for jobs like this one.

Have your parents considered respite care for her while they are away?
She should be entitled to 6 weeks per year as long as your parents are registered as her carers.

TBH you sound overwhelmed OP. Caring for an elderly person is a full time job on its own - especially if it involves travelling.

I am being unreasonable really I know. Just feeling like there's a bit too much on my plate today! I should have gone on the sn boards where you are allowed to feel a bit selfishly sorry for yourself from time to time.

Gosh - do all the people being nasty actually care for an elderly relative, run a business full time, and look after a child with additional needs?

I suppose you must do as you are obviously in a position to criticise. You must all be superwomen.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but if she hasn't got any care sorted and won't allow outside help then it's the duty of your parents to check if their holiday dates are appropriate for you and your brother.

When they come back I would seriously discuss with your parents putting some kind of home help care plan in place for her so the basics like getting her clothed and fed are sorted and then family can provide company. I don't think old people should be cared for on an ad-hoc basis, better that carers come for the basics as this is usually more reliable than family. My parents looked after my grandma and I saw first-hand the strain it put on their marriage and our family-life as it was all left to my parents. It's nice that you and your brother will help out, my parents had nobody although there was plenty of grandma's other children who could of pitched in

as someone who has an elderly parent who demands a lot of my time I do understand this I think. It's not that you don't want to see them, it's the fact that they won't take some responsibility for their own care or entertainment themselves. I've offered to pay for someone to take her out, I could arrange for someone to call in every week for a cuppa and chat, where she lives there are regular coffee mornings and speakers/entertainers etc but to be honest she doesn't want any of it. She just wants me to take her out and do stuff with her. I'm a busy mum with a home and family of my own and can't do it as often as she wants but then I feel guilty knowing she's bored and lonely.
If you just can't fit it in and you've offered alternatives you just have to feel guilty and carry on I think. I haven't worked out a better way.

I think some posters are being a bit harsh. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and it is no wonder you are struggling to cope. Does you Gran have any friends you could phone who may be able to pop in and visit? Or if she is a member of a church they may have a visiting team who could go to see her.

OP, don't be too ready to listen to those critical voices. I'll say it again, YANBU. Look after yourself - you're important too.

OP I'm disgusted by some of the remarks on here. Funny no-one has mentioned your brother. I don't think it is your responsibility to look after her. I think your hands are full with your SN child.
My DP's thought I should stand in to care for a relative, even though I am one of 5 children, despite the fact I was a single parent and working FT.
Ring your DB and have a chat. When your DP's get home I'd have a long chat. It also pisses me off when people refuse all other reasonable offers.
and

Op I do feel for you but do think the time to have said something was before your parents went on holiday. It is hard sometimes to raise concerns that you may not be able to manage what you have done previously due to changes in circumstances but no other arrangements were made. It is even more difficult when the relative is not open to suggestions.

Not to derail but we look after FIL, 5 times per week, we live the closest so are first point of call in case of emergencies to. It took over a year for FIL to agree to carers going in during the day and other family members did not push for this as they didn't see the need as he was fine when they visited. It just became and expectation that we were looking after him. The 5 nights we split, sometimes DH goes on his own, sometimes I do, sometimes we go together.

We found going straight after work, or on the way back from shopping helps as we hadn't been home and then had to go out again.

You haven't indicated how her health is, does she have a pendent to wear for emergencies that she can press, can she answer the phone (hearing ok and able to converse). A couple of quick phonecalls may be ok on a day you cannot make it so there is contact, she feels informed and not neglected.

Before the carers came in FIL used to be very understanding if we/I couldn't make a day if we had told him why beforehand. He used to be able to manage making something to eat and drink and we would phone to ask if he has had his lunch, tea, remind him to take his medication, turn over the TV now as the football had started etc.

When your parents come back this does need to be discussed.

Does your Dh help?

I've only seen the first page and you've had some pretty vicious replies op.
Sounds like you do a lot but obviously are struggling to juggle everything.

Yes your parents need a break but they shouldn't just assume you are free to pop round 5x a week.

I think it's bloody unreasonable and phenomenally selfish for elderly people to refuse professional carers. YANBU. It would be lovely if you could visit her 1-2 times a week but I think you need to say that you can't manage to visit her every day next time your parents go away.

I watched my gran drive my parents into the ground with her refusal to accept any other carers other than my dad. It ruined their lives until she died.

People on here who say that you're being unreasonable have probably never been in that position.

And if I were you, I'd also tell your parents you can't look after their dog for weeks on end either.

You very obviously care for your gran.
Don't give yourself a hard time op.

YANBU op. Not even remotely.

Why are people being so nasty to the OP? Actually, I think her parents are being selfish by booking a three week holiday and automatically expecting the OP to look after her grabdmother. Speaking from personal experience you can't just bugger off on three week long holidays when you have elderly dependents.

OP you sound knackered

Please ignore some of the less than constructive comments on here. AIBU attracts some people who would argue that the sky is yellow for the sale of arguing .

When I was running myself ragged trying to look after my Mum, DC and work my GP sat me down and told me I had to start looking after myself for my children's sake. He gets to see a lot of cases like this and see the fallout when people keep going trying to juggle too many balls. It has a tendency not to end well.

I think for now it is a case of getting through as best as you can, see as sone one sguested if yiu can fibd a dof walker so one less thing. Ring her and use speaked phone whist doing other things and tell your Brother you can't get there much at the moment.

But once your parents are back you all need to sit down as a family and work through how to move forward getting her the support she needs when your parents are away.

There are lots of different options, maybe post on the Elderly Parents board.

I look at it this way. When I am old and need help there is no way on this earth that I want my lovely family to be giving up their time to care for me. I want my sons to visit me for a good chat and some fun to have a drink, a meal and listen to good music if we can't go out, not to dish out my drugs and empty my commode. It spoils family relationships when the child becomes the carer, no matter what their age. If the grandmother really needs help and it cannot be funded by Social Services then perhaps all teh family should put some money in the pot to fund it.

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that YANBU OP and to show another voice of support for you. I think people are being VERY harsh on you. Be kind to yourself as a PP has said you are no good to anyone if you become ill with all this. Also please speak to your parents when they come back. Though I suspect usually things go fine, but its just with the struggles this time has brought on you with your DCs. This probably isn't always the case. If you think about it, you are so busy now it wont be long before your parents are back and it wont be this bad again.

Im sure you are doing the best you can.

We care for my MIL with dementia all year round (OH is an only child) on top of stressful full-time jobs - we pay people to drop in during the day which covers all of 1 hour out of 24 each day (i.e. never enough).

I wish I had your problems!

Sorry, I'm projecting.

I don't think it is unreasonable to be asked to provide "cover" while the family are away - I am sure it is very much appreciated by them, and think what they have to do all other weeks of the year!

On the other hand, I do think a chat around timings might be in order for the future - i.e. that September is a bad month and you'd be better placed to provide support at another time.

What Lady - you wish you had an SN child ?