To think I can't be expected to take responsibility for elderly relative

[twoandahalftimesthree]

My grandma is 90 and lives close to my parents who have just gone on holiday for three weeks. While they are away I look after their dog and take responsibility for my grandma too. I usually call to see her for a half hour chat 4 out of 5 weekdays while they are away.
I have a brother who lives about 20 miles away and he always comes to see her at weekends.
My parents go away for at least three weeks at a time three times a year and I always do this but this time I am feeling it is too big a responsibility.
I run my own business and September is always a really busy month (I've worked 6 days this week and have been catching up a lot at home on top). dd has just started secondary school and has been quite nervous about it and needed support. ds goes to a special school and is struggling to settle into his new class so we have had some very challenging evenings with him this week.
The upshot of this is that I have not managed to see her for three days and I feel absolutely terrible about it but also feel that I just can't fit it in. What is reasonable?

[3littlefrogs]

LadyShirazz - have you had a proper carer's assessment?

I looked after my MIL for a long time, but after a particularly bad weekend with several falls, double incontinence everywhere, and constant night time shouting and wandering I was on the point of a breakdown myself. We did get a care package (for which we had to pay), but eventually she deteriorated so much she had to be admitted to a dementia unit.

I still care for FIL and work part time, but it is exhausting. The way I look at it is that if the carer breaks down, someone else will have to step in. Surely it is better to have some support in place so that the carer can cope?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

You poor thing, you've copped a lot of unnecessary flak on here!

Can you alternate with your brother, or can he really only manage weekends?

Are you doing care things for your gran, like feeding her, washing her, dressing her, or is she able to do all those things herself, and it's just company she's after? If it's just company, then I'd say cut yourself some slack and phone her every other day rather than running yourself ragged.

[LadyShirazz]

Lynda, yes it is unreasonable for them to refuse - objectively speaking. We are fortunate that MIL was reasonably accepting of us putting them in place.

But at the same time, they might be suffering from undiagnosed dementia, which affects reasoning, or just pride / fear in not wanting to admit that they need the help. It's no fun growing old...

OP, you don't mention your grandmother's needs. Is she physically frail? Mental health problems? Or just lonely and wanting a chat and a bit of help round the house?

Could you put it to your gran that you can't make it today but your friend is passing and will stop by for a chat?

[BertrandRussell]

Ado you have a husband or partner?

[LadyShirazz]

3LittleFrogs - yes we have, and she does get Attendance Allowance.

Other that that, SS have been about as much use as a chocolate fireguard - as she can still wash, dress and microwave a meal up for herself, they don't deem her as being in need of their services, so we get in private carers for now.

We moved her to assisted living down the road from us in her hometown about six months ago, which has been a big help just in that she is much closer to us and we can "troubleshoot" more easily - though a very painful transition, given the dementia.

Seems we won't get any help from SS till her condition worsens, and will have to muddle on until whenever that time might be.

[LadyShirazz]

redshoe - I posted to quickly and then saw the SN bit. No I certainly don't wish that and it does put another slant on things.

[Cloppysow]

You are not selfish or unreasonable and probably do much more for your gran than thousands of others do. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Some of the posters on this thread should be ashamed of the venom they have thrown at the OP.

[LieselVonTwat]

It's not that you don't want to see them, it's the fact that they won't take some responsibility for their own care or entertainment themselves.

Yeah, this. I'm going to take up the usual refrain on here and wonder whether you'd have had a different response if you were a man.

And YANBU OP, but that said, if you know September is always a bad month for you then ought to have mentioned it. I'm assuming your parents would be able to go away at another time of year if necessary. So while gran needs to take some responsibility for arranging her own care and entertainment (you don't say anything to suggest she's totally incapable of this) equally I think you, your siblings and your parents need to take some responsibility for ensuring holidays are scheduled at times that mean any cover you all deem necessary can be provided. Also I'd probably put the dog in kennels for the week as well, tbh. Unless it's really taking up none of your time at all. If it is, I'd rather be giving that to my gran.

[EponasWildDaughter]

If you and your brother both pop in twice a week, alternately, for an hour or so, that's a visitor every other day for her.

It sounds as if these visits are just for company for her. Surely the above would be ok?

[Ragwort]

ExConstance - I agree with what you are saying but none of us know how we will be when we are older - I can clearly remember my grandmother - a lively, fiesty, independent woman saying exactly the same but sadly, in her late 80s she did become incredibly demanding and, dare I say it 'selfish' in her expectations of having family members at her beck and call all the time. . I don't think there is an easy answer to the issue of getting older and frailer.

[CruCru]

You are getting a hard time on here. I would find it very hard to go and visit 4 weekdays for three weeks in September.

[EponasWildDaughter]

ragwort i agree. My mother never got on with her MIL. (my grandmother)

Her main gripes (out of of many) were that Gran moaned constantly about her health, went into details about her toilet habits, pretended to not understand/hear stuff to get attention, regularly got everyone in a flap when there was nothing really wrong, and that she expected daily contact with close family. My mum often said 'shoot me if i get like that please Epona'.

Guess what?

[EponasWildDaughter]

I should point out ... she's got like that. Not i've shot her!

[specialsubject]

OP has said that she WANTS to visit her grandma but is so overloaded (with trivia like earning a living, looking after kids - unnecessary stuff like that...) that she can't. Turn down the bile, folks.

assuming grandma is of sound mind, grandma has refused to get in the help she may need and can afford and EXPECTS others to do it. Sorry, but I think that is unreasonable.

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

edshoeblueshoe

"OP I'm disgusted by some of the remarks on here. Funny no-one has mentioned your brother"

Um. I did. Page one.

I get that it's a bind but it's 3 weeks, 3 times a year. I have been a ft working lone parent with a sick relative (months on end) and that was exhausting. I am not superwoman, wouldn't expect anyone to be, but a few visits with a definite end date doesn't sound so un-doable.
But yes, maybe next time try and coordinate with your parents for them to be away at an easier time.

[IfNotNowThenWhenever]

assuming grandma is of sound mind, grandma has refused to get in the help she may need and can afford and EXPECTS others to do it. Sorry, but I think that is unreasonable.

I think maybe she just wants he company of her family? Not so unreasonable. It doesn't sound like she is needing a lot of full on care, maybe I am wrong?

[Viviennemary]

I don't think half an hours visit a day is that bad if it's while your parents are on holiday. .Or reach a compromise where you go every other day and either you or your brother phone her on alternate days to make sure she's OK.

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Haven't read all the replies, but cannot stand emotional blackmail over looking after family at all. No one is obliged to do it, and finding it too difficult to manage is not a crime. There are some martyrs around who think that they're saints for dropping everything to care for family, then berate those who can't/won't do the same, but caring for the less able is probably the toughest thing you can do. No one should be guilted into it, especially if you feel unable to cope doing so.

If you can't manage it, op, please have a word with your parents. Doesn't mean you can't visit/check on your gran or are an awful person. You have to think of your own welfare, personal circumstances and stress levels at times, it doesn't do anyone good to be overwhelmed.

[scarlets]

Yanbu. You're spread very thinly. There's too much happening.

Have an informal family conference when your parents return, to sort this out. Tell them, for example, that September is a bad month and that you will have limited availability in September 2016.

Your grandmother is being self-centred in refusing outside visits and then complaining of boredom. She can't have it both ways!

[ILoveOnionRings]

Depending on the distance of where the relative lives it is never just half an hour out of your day. Depending on what time you can go, I go after work this can be anytime between 4:30pm-7:30pm, there is travel, do you need to pop anywhere first to pick anything up for them. Depending on how they are depends on the length of visit.

Once you get home there is still your own family/pets/home/ to get on with. It all sounds so easy to do when you read it but in fact it is never that easy in reality.

If they are not of good health, it is also emotionally difficult/exhausting.

Op I think you should look at suggestions above, identify Grans needs, speak to DB and DH and go from there. If Gran is still of sound mind she will understand if you talk to her.

The long term daily solutions can wait until your parents get back. We suggested to FIL as he was very resistant to carers that they were coming to do the cleaning and then any other jobs he could think of. He said he could manage and then we said about the ironing, vacuuming the stairs, mopping floors can he manage this. Once he accepted the hour visit in the morning he was a lot more receptive to further visits per day when he needed them.

Ignore the harsh responses - you do obviously care very much about your Gran and sound torn between your own children's needs which have not happened before - eg starting secondary school, not settling into a new year and then the business. If the children had just slotted back into the new school year I do not think this would have been such an issue. The visits and business you would have managed as you know it is for 3 weeks. I think you are trying to keep all the usual plates spinning but this time a couple of extra plates have been added and they are beginning to wobble IYSWIM

[winewolfhowls]

Yanbu. Dog sitting itself is very time consuming alone on top everything else in your life even before grandma is added to your list

[CPtart]

YANBU.
After years as a district nurse and experience of grandparents with failing health, I have noticed many elderly people become incredibly selfish and demanding as they age. Often sitting on pots of money yet refusing to pay for assistance around the home, and having completely unrealistic expectations and demands of family members.
It is not responsibility. If your parents choose to do it, that's up to them. They shouldn't expect it of you. Life is about choices and IMO your nuclear family and own health and mental well being are your priorities. I have seen too many people end up depressed and unwell running round after older relatives under emotional blackmail and the misplaced guise of "duty".
I would be fearful of your parents' expectations of your role in caring for them too as they age.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

I wouldn't do it at all - if your parents are her carers they need to sort proper care when they are away, and the dog could go in a bloody kennel!

[Hoppipolar]

Yabu and so is your brother. I hope you have someone to keep you company when you're old.
I'm a carer and I also study and have a baby. However, I have gone and helped people in my own time unpaid when they have needed someone. There's always time for people you care about imo.

[AcrossthePond55]

If you're just calling in to chat, I assume that Gran is able to care for herself and the visits are just social in nature?

If she's a church member, do they have a visiting program? My mother's church had a program called 'Visiting Angels' where members signed up to pay calls on elderly members and shut ins. It was basically social in nature, but they did cast an eye about and if they felt there was a need for housekeeping or other help, they'd let the pastor know and he'd get in touch with family. My mum went from being one of the visitors to being one of the visited. Anyway, if her church (or her community) has such a program, that may free up a day for you. I also agree that your brother should be a bit more involved, but if he works Mon-Fri I can see where it could be difficult. Perhaps he could pick up a takeaway for supper with her once during the week? Where I live, 20 miles really isn't that far a drive, but we have freeways that cut down on driving times.

When you say you 'asked her' about outside help, I'm not sure if you mean Gran or your mother. If it's the latter, then what you set up whilst they're gone for three weeks is completely up to you. I didn't feel there was a need for outside respite help with my mum, but when I went away for a month my brother did and set it up himself. Looking back, he was right and I was being a martyr.