To think I can't be expected to take responsibility for elderly relative

[twoandahalftimesthree]

My grandma is 90 and lives close to my parents who have just gone on holiday for three weeks. While they are away I look after their dog and take responsibility for my grandma too. I usually call to see her for a half hour chat 4 out of 5 weekdays while they are away.
I have a brother who lives about 20 miles away and he always comes to see her at weekends.
My parents go away for at least three weeks at a time three times a year and I always do this but this time I am feeling it is too big a responsibility.
I run my own business and September is always a really busy month (I've worked 6 days this week and have been catching up a lot at home on top). dd has just started secondary school and has been quite nervous about it and needed support. ds goes to a special school and is struggling to settle into his new class so we have had some very challenging evenings with him this week.
The upshot of this is that I have not managed to see her for three days and I feel absolutely terrible about it but also feel that I just can't fit it in. What is reasonable?

Jeez, Hoppipolar, hope your martyr cape doesn't get caught on anything whilst you're doing all that.

Seriously, good for you, you know better than anyone how stressful it is. Its not for everyone though, just remember that next time you're being judgemental.

Op you are definitely not being unreasonable.
I care for my terminally ill partner, have 2 ds's and help my dm (7 days a week for approx 6 hours a day) look after my df who has advanced alzheimers.
My dm is going away next week and i have roped my db in to stay with dad overnight and to be there the hours im not there. I know hes not happy about it but its a different situation to yours.

You have enough on your plate and i agree with pp that maybe you should have a conversation with your parents for the future.

YANBU
There are only so many hours in the day and for sanity's sake you can't manage everything on your own.
for you and if you wave them about a little, their fragrance might mask the smell of the burning fucking martyrs a little.

To posters saying to the OP sarcastically - 'i hope you have someone to keep you company when you're old, etc';

Are you bringing your DCs up to form their lives around what's going to happen to you when you are 'old'? Or your grandchildren even?

Suppose they want to move abroad? Suppose they want to live at the other end of the country? Will you expect them not to? Or to move back or drive a hundred miles a day to keep you company because you've become 'old'?

Or is anyone who has moved away far enough early enough absolved of this duty? I seriously don't know how this works? I want my children (and future grandchildren) to fly the nest and not worry about keeping me company in my bath chair!

Um, why can't you phone her morning and evening to make sure she's ok, have a 5 min chat, and just visit once a week (say, Wednesday) instead of every day?

Or am I being dim?

I think that now you have agreed with it you have to visit her as much as you can manage. Then you need a conversation about what happens the next time your parents go away so this does not happen again. I think it is too late to say you can't be expected to be responsible for her when from what I can tell you did say you would care for her and you haven't told your parents it is too difficult for you. I am guessing your parents don't realise how hard it is for you right now and they have no idea how you are feeling? I can't tell if your parents are being selfish by expecting you to care for her and their dogs or if they genuinely have no idea that you are finding it hard to manage.

That said, I never want my children or grandchildren to have to feel like they have to care for me. I would rather get carers in or go into a home. I want my family to visit me when they can, because they want to, not because they feel obligated to care for me.

Don't feel guilty, you are human and just think of ways around this for the future

I'm a carer and I also study and have a baby. However, I have gone and helped people in my own time unpaid when they have needed someone. There's always time for people you care about imo.

Good for you?

You don't have a child with special needs. You are not looking after someone else's dogs and you are not the OP.

YANBU OP. My DM (86) sounds similar to your GM. She lives alone and is frail. My DF, who was her 'carer', died suddenly and none of us live near to her. She had no choice but to have carers - against her will - but they only come in to help her shower as it really wasn't safe to do that alone. She was offered the opportunity to go to activities at a day centre, but refused and now she complains she is bored. I live over 70 miles from her as does DB1. DB2 is 5 hrs away. We have all live where we are for over 20 years but I think she believed that she would die before DF and he would be fine, so no need to plan for her future. I tried to get them both to move near to me a few years earlier but they wouldn't as they had been in their house for 50 years and didn't want the upheaval.

Like you, I have a DC with disabilities. It is not possible for me to go to DMs at the drop of a hat. I visit every 2 weeks for a whole day but I have to use my respite care allocation to do this as her house is not accessible. Me and DH work our socks off for the entire time we are there - taking her out, doing the garden, changing the bed, doing the ironing to name but a few things - but they are all things she could employ someone else to do, but won't.

So I have every sympathy for you, and if anything I think it is your parents who ABU because they go away for 3 weeks, 3 times a year when they have a caring committment without organising practical help for your GM. I think you need to sit down with them when they come back and tell them that this level of committment is no longer sustainable for you and they need to look at sorting something else out so that you can just visit GM when you are able but not feel she is dependent upon you. Just because you can't do it absolutely does not mean that you don't care but your health and your own family have to take priority.

You sound like you are doing amazingly well and really have your hands full! Does she actually need any hands-on care, ie personal care or meal prep, or is it companionship?

If it's just company she needs, and she is of sound mind and is refusing to have other people visit her, then really she is going to have to accept she is on her own and stop being selfish. Her needs are not more important that yours and your family's. Obviously if she has health problems eg dementia or mental health issues that mean she isn't able to cope with strangers then that's a bit different, but even so you all need to work out how to cover it as a whole family. If your parents are able to provide lots of help then great, but they need to ensure proper cover is provided and that she is aware of that.

When I was off sick for months, I didn't demand my family quit their jobs and abandon their social lives to come and entertain me! (Even though I was bored to tears)

Is your brother feeling upset that he can't see her more than just at the weekend? Maybe he can step up his game and visit her more?

OP - yanbu.

Golly, the reading comprehension skills of many posters are woefully lacking.

And honestly, I work, I have children one of whom had a health condition and school has not been great this week. Goodness knows how I would have coped with an elderly relative too in the last week.

If only I was as amazing as so many of my fellow mn'ers

I also agree that I will not be a burden to my children or grand-children. I would take the paid for help.

What about your brother stepping up more? And any other close relatives who are near? Can the time not be shared so you aren't so stressed?

If she just needs a chat, I think that your brother should visit her at least once a week when your parents aren't there. Also, couldn't you just phone her sometimes rather than always visiting.
If she needs anything other than just a chat though you may have to visit. I always looked after my grandmother when my parents were away rather than my brothers because she needed help getting to the shower etc

I really hope that everyone on this thread who has seen fit to give the OP a hard time, does themselves physically visit annelderlyvrekative every weekday. Because otherwise they're being g hugely hypocritical fucknuggets, aren't they??

Op YANBU. I moved in with my grandad when he needed 24 hour care, and I'm glad I did it, but it was fucking hard. And at the time I was young and childless.

I now have 2 DC, one with a disability, and a widowed disabled dad; and when on full time work placement, trying to juggle school runs and DC anxiety and work and uni work and household stuff leaves me so fucking exhausted I can't be arsed to wash my hair. No way could I fit in a visit to dad daily. We talk in the phone and I'm there a full day in the weekend and a quick visit in the week if I can manage.

It's all very well your parents going more - that's their choice, and I assume they're retired - but you can't be expected to match that commitment with your other responsibilities. Sit down with your parents when they come back - other arrangements will have to be made and if that means home care or a respite placement then you're all just going to have to sell it hard to your gran.

I think you've been given an unnecessarily hard time on this thread OP.

Your parents who provide the majority of the care live much nearer, don't have two children to care for and presumably don't run their own business.

Saying 'why can't you just do what they do for a few weeks a year?' is bonkers.

Ditto, posters saying that you're being self-centred. A few phone calls and one or two visits a week sounds like more than plenty to me.

This is the way the process of caring for someone goes. Everyone muddles by and, as the person becomes more dependent, cracks start showing and there needs to be a review and additional support brought in.

If your grandmother doesn't want help from external agencies, that's absolutely up to her, but that doesn't mean that it's your responsibility to fill in any gaps.

OP, I think there are lots of people on this thread who don't get it, YANBU. Sometimes you have to put your little family unit first. My parents used to moan that they didn't get any help when we were kids (from their parents, and they didn't get much to be fair) but at least they were left alone. I have dependent parents, two dependent grandparents and young kids and it's too much to be honest. I made a conscious decision to withdraw from the grandparents to an extent a while ago.

This is a consequence of people living longer, living further away from each other, having kids later (so you are caring for kids and parents) and 2 adults in a family working. It's unlikely I would be responsible for 4 elderly people 50 years ago but I'd probably not be working, they'd probably be local and my own kids would be older so it would be different. More and more people are going to be affected by these sort of issues.

I think the issue is more the timing of your parents' holidays - being that their parents now require more support and they look to their adult dc to fulfil that in their absence they need to ensure that this time is convenient to everyone else too.

Gosh! The OP has had some harsh treatment on here ( and some good suggestions). It's bloody hard work keeping an eye on sick/ disabled/ elderly people as well as a mange your own life. It sounds like your parents are having a much needed break but you need a bit more support ( and maybe so do they) when you are 'covering' for them. Have you explored agencies like Crossroads or Oxford Aunties? They can help a lot though need paying. It maybe that your gran doesn't realise how much everyone has to do and maybe is being a little bit selfish ( if you live alone and have nothing else to do but think, it's understandable to be a bit singleminded). If she gets AA ( your parents don't get it, the person who needs care does) the that could be used towards costs perhaps. If she has any funds that might he,p or social services might pay if she has a low income and capital - all to be explored. Some areas have good neighbour schemes where people can pop in. The doctors might know as might the church ( thinking of places easy to look). But you need time for yourself too. Take it from em I care 24/7 for a very very sick child and haven't had a day off in 2 and a bit years since she became ill - longest was when I went to my dads funeral. Other than that I've had a coffee out. Don't do what I've had to do.

Welsh - I do.

In fact she's here now.

For the first time in the five years I've been caring for her, she forgot my face and asked me straight out several times when 'LadyShirazz' would be arriving.

Heart is rather broken right now... :(

OP, I just wanted to say I understand your dilemma, and also understand your lack of time.

We have adults sons with autism whom we care for, and additionally are foster carers. We also care for my mum who is blind, deaf and has dementia. We call in on my mum at least 3 times a day. There is no other family so it is either me, my husband or daughter. This week has been very busy with many meetings about the foster children, and illness, and reading your post made me realise to my horror that I have not seen my mum all week. As I say my husband and daughter have seen to her 3 times a day, but I honestly have not had time myself. So I understand that you cannot just create time, cannot be in two places at once. I hope next week is easier for you (and for me).

ps I will MAKE time tomorrow.

5 days a week 3 times a year? Is that it? If so then yes yabu. Although I do think your parents could have timed the holiday a bit better but if they are the main carers then they deserve a break. I don't mean this nastily but there will always be something that comes up or some reason not to visit, she won't be around forever. I'd personally make the time just for the short term it's not like it's forever. And make sure to discuss the timings for holidays with parents.

LadyShirazz, my grandmother (suffering from dementia) asked my aunt who I was when we visited, I appreciate how much it hurts.

5 days a week for 3weeks 3 times per year.

Not particularly local. In addition to working 6 days a week, looking after parents' dog, looking after 2 children one with SEN.

OP states that she would like to visit thus frequently but just can't fit it in.

I agree with the poster who said that the needs of her own family are as important as those of her grandmother's. More so actually, as OP is responsible for her own family in terms of emotional support, providing meals, clean clothes etc, keeping a roof over their heads.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable however appreciate it may simply be a bad day.

Can the dog be kennelled or go to brother?

However, I do think your parents should consult with you and your brother before booking to ensure what's needed is available. What are your brothers circumstances? Could he do more? I know he's 20 miles away but if he's unmarried/no kids that shouldn't be a problem.

Could dh help more at home during this time?

OP what happens when your parents are home?

Can you tell her you're snowed under and would it be okay to come twice a week and then have a good long chatty phone call the other day? Does she have elderly neighbours she likes?