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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell her to jog on? naming day

547 replies

bettyberry · 10/09/2015 14:40

Just received an invite to a naming ceremony.

Its a non-religious thing and is mostly people giving speeches and dedications to the children (Part of me is thinking of the scene in sleeping beauty where the fairies bestow gifts on the baby)

There is a dress code, a gift list (no deviating!) and strict instructions not to drink alcohol even though the venue has a bar. Hmm

There will be no food provided for the 'party' just snacks (crisps, nuts etc) or drinks apart from soda.

It is 3 hours long, early evening, right around dinner time.

The children haven't changed names, no blended family, marriage or ensuring DCs have the same surname etc (I'd still be a bit Hmm for these but understand the value of celebrating a 'new' family set up) parents have been together 10+years.

The children are 5 and 8.

To me it all feels a bit grabby (the specific gift list) and that the host (the DCs mother) is feeling a bit put out both her sisters have had babies recently and no one is interested in her spoilt children.

Please tell me I'm not going barmy and this really is just a 'look at me, I'm here! Look at me!' thing.

OP posts:
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Baconyum · 13/09/2015 23:56

Betty good you've got an ally within the family as it were. I've said before I totally get why you put it in fb given this person has previously twisted and lied about what you've said, as you've said yourself this way what you've actually said is there for evidence.

I've been/am on the receiving end of such behaviour, everyone has their breaking point. And how she's behaving is ludicrous. It's selfish, inconsiderate of others and unnecessary. I feel sorry for her husband and dc's and actually a very very very small bit sorry for her too, because as is seen on several threads regarding women like this usually as mother in laws, their husband leaves, dc grow up and have their own families (including spouses who open their eyes to how crazy this all is), they've no friends because without the family guilt who would put up with this shit? And so they end up alone.

Blueandwhitelover · 14/09/2015 07:59

Goodness me, 17 pages and still no response from the clearly mad (imo) sister..

Original poster
bettyberry · 14/09/2015 11:05

I have been banned from going (no loss there) Crazy sis told another sibling and mother who then passed it on to teen sibling who is here with me now.

She hasn't contacted me directly but is bitching like a trooper about me 'ruining' her plans and her life Hmm

Mother not long called to talk about it. She said 'not really bothered what you said, its true and its how we all feel but I don't want to be involved' she then said my crazy sisters friends had returned the RSVP to say they weren't coming but this was end of last week before my rant and that only a couple of her friends with same age children are going, the MIL, grandparents and less than half my siblings. So around 10 people in all.

Crazy sis is flouncing and stropping and blaming it all on me (OK, I'll take that even though its not me) that the day is ruined.

Thing is, its on a weekday evening many people will still be at work at 5pm! Even if they finished at 5 by the time the get home in rush hour, get changed and make it to the venue it will be nearly 7pm so yeah, totally my fault. And tbh, I am not surprised they have RSVP'd no just because of that even if it was considered entirely normal for 5 & 8 year olds to have a naming day ffs. My betting is there's a few who are thinkingg WTF!? at the nature of the party too but are being far more polite than I am in declining Confused

Ah well. Its done! I wonder what will happen at the party now Shock

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Baconyum · 14/09/2015 11:22

God she really is a petulant teenager isn't she. Frankly I'm amazed she has friends at all. Or is it like my sis, she's charming and makes friends easily but as soon as they realise how nuts she is they're off! Sis moves onto new friends meanwhile slagging old friends to all and sundry about THEIR supposed unreasonable behaviour?

Original poster
bettyberry · 14/09/2015 11:33

Baconyum that's exactly what she does!

we actually had a friend in common a few years back and he came around to mine to pick up something he left and it was actually the first time we got to sit and have a cuppa without sis (she was friends first and didn't think it unreasonable to show up if he knew he was) and The only thing he said was how much he was looking forward to leaving the county because she only ever called when she wanted something.

When I have been to hers in the past for any kind of social gathering it has always been really awkward. Awkward laughs, many silences as though people really are too afraid to be themselves.

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Baconyum · 14/09/2015 12:02

"Awkward laughs, many silences as though people really are too afraid to be themselves."

This is frighteningly familiar to me.

InimitableJeeves · 14/09/2015 12:49

The trouble is that the day will be a total failure and your sister will now view your intervention as the perfect excuse for blaming that all on you. You will need to be ready to point out repeatedly that a do based around nibbles and soda water and cringe-making speeches about children was always doomed to disaster.

Original poster
bettyberry · 14/09/2015 13:13

InimitableJeeves It was doomed from the start due to the ridiculousness of it. Yes I will absolutely point out that she should have had the ceremony 7 and 4 years ago respectively. Then she wouldn't be making an arse of herself.

Baconyum its painful. I wont even go into BBQs I have had in the past!

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lorelei9 · 14/09/2015 18:10

5pm on a weekday? Does she think people will use up holiday to go?!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2015 18:24

5pm on a weekday - yep, she wanted to have something to strop about far more than she wanted this ridiculous ceremony. Sad

myotherusernameisbetter · 14/09/2015 20:00

5pm on a weekday - yep, she wanted to have something to strop about far more than she wanted this ridiculous ceremony.

Yes but also she wouldn't want anything to interfere with Thing 1 and Thing 2's bedtime and clearly the venue would cost next to nothing at that time

Baconyum · 15/09/2015 00:38

Agree ludicrous timing too. Planned to save money and maximise drama.

toastyarmadillo · 15/09/2015 04:38

People rvsp'd No prior to your fb rant, so not your your fault. I suspect everyone is thinking exactly what you wrote, just being gutless. This behaviour desperately needs nipping in the bud am horrified it's been allowed as long as it has. Stop inviting her to anything, say it's because there will be alcohol etc and you all know how she feels about that kind of thing. Wonder if she will cancel it now, or rearrange for a better time?

LargeGoldAtrociousCunt · 15/09/2015 07:45

I wont even go into BBQs I have had in the past!

Please do! It really sounds like you could write a book on your Sisters unreasonable behaviour, Its like MN Bingo Grin

Original poster
bettyberry · 15/09/2015 07:54

Ha! she wont cancel it toasty! Oooh no! She would rather sit there and go on about only the people who showed up care about her and the rest clearly don't! I haven't invited her to a BBQ since the time her husband praised my cooking and asked me for the recipe for a sauce and my sister tore into him that he never praises her cooking... but she NEVER cooks!

regardless, this time of year folks with families usually only have a few days of holiday left and they are saving it for xmas (thats what the OH and many of my friends do) and to take a day off after xmas parties if they are single.

myotherusernameisbetter bedtimes!? ha! oh you should have heard her the last time I said I wasn't going to her DC's birthday parties because it was on an evening and I really do have to keep strict bedtimes with my DS (due to the special needs and his erratic sleeping/need for routine) I swear she says the parties are for kids but really its so her friends will show up and tell her how lovely it all is through gritted teeth.

WhereYouLeftIt agree and the strops have started over a month before the 'event'!

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WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/09/2015 09:01

So, she hasn't actually told you directly, herself, that you're not to show up? Just a game of Chinese Whispers then really. You couldn't possibly be sure that you got the right message, right???

I'd show up.

I'd say "Oh, I simply couldn't miss the naming cermony of my 8 year old nephew and 5 year old niece. So what have you been calling them up to now? Boy? Girl?? You are such crazy out-there people!" and then laugh! Laugh out loud.

Buy them a gift with "Baby's first Christmas" on it but make sure it has their childs name on it. Better still, get them something that is engraved so they can't return it.

Then leave. Your work is done.

WannabeLaraCroft · 15/09/2015 12:36

^^ Do this! Grin

MonicaBilongame · 15/09/2015 12:45

Ask her what their new names are going to be as you wanted to get them something personalised (and if you can link this to the 'List' do so) - and hint that these gifts will be VERY exclusive and expensive. Then when she says they're staying the same you can say 'oh, no point then really is there?'

AcrossthePond55 · 15/09/2015 15:19

Nah, I wouldn't show up. It just wouldn't be worth the effort (or cost) to me. You've made your feelings abundantly clear and I'm sure you'll be the talk of the party. She won't be able to resist vilifying you and everyone else will be nodding but thinking they wish they had your courage. Your absence may even prompt some of them to follow your example!

And I'd also not want to be the cause of a scene because of her children. I'd bet they already have enough 'drama' and catering to their crazy mother in their poor little lives to deal with.

Original poster
bettyberry · 15/09/2015 19:04

AcrossthePond55 they do have enough drama. Everything is a big thing.

I am not going, no gift, nothing. The distance to the venue is a pain ( I don't drive so 2 buses from my home then 2 back again or a taxi)

I am sure my ears will be burning! they usually do.

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Clearoutre · 15/09/2015 19:41

I'm not sure what your relationship with her kids is like but the poor mites have been put right in the middle of this silly affair...who knows what goes on behind closed doors in that household but it does not sound particularly healthy or stable. It sounds like there will be plenty of cringe-worthy moments in store for them as they grow up and it will hit them the hardest emotionally.

Hoping this doesn't sound too gushy but in the long term I have my fingers crossed that you will still be able to (and want to) show her children that you love them...they will be grateful to know they have an aunty who is sensible enough not to pander to their mum's silly antics AND doesn't judge them by their mum's ridiculous behaviour as I'm sure plenty of people will in the future. I think you've suggested she tends to keeps them away from other people which will make this difficult, but, in whatever capacity you can, show that you care and that your issues with their mum don't affect that. The time will come when they can make up their own mind.

Fatmomma99 · 15/09/2015 19:56

I can see why you've posted that, clearoutre, and I don't mean this to be offensive to you, but with all politeness, I think that it's very important not to involve children in the shenanigans of adults. Esp if any of the adults are behaving as badly as Betty's sister. But mad or not, she's their MUM, so yes, I would certainly hope Betty gives them messages of love, but not in any way to put their mother down or disrespect her, or the kids will feel like they have to choose.

By all means be available for them if they one day want to come to you.

But in Betty's situation I'd be doing my utmost to make sure the kids weren't aware of the shitstorm over their heads (after all, they'll think the day is all about them).

Clearoutre · 15/09/2015 20:05

No offence as that's exactly what I'm saying. If she can manage NOT to engage/pander to her behaviour and keep a straightforward loving relationship with those kids then they will have at least one simple, uncomplicated and loving relationship that is free from judgement and silly behaviour.

Clearoutre · 15/09/2015 20:07

Just realised I wrote "simple" AND "uncomplicated"...no need for both!

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/09/2015 23:08

Sometimes kids benefit from seeing just how batshit crazy the world considers their parent to be - it means they can stop feeling guilty for thinking that sometimes Mummy seems a little.....odd.

I speak from personal experience here - when you're a child, your parent's moods and permutations are your world and you have to navigate them. It's awful when you find yourself guiltily questioning their judgement, but strangely liberating to discover that actually the world others agree with your assessment. I think I would properly have ended up with mental health problems if my mother hadn't been openly acknowledged as 'difficult'.