to tell her to jog on? naming day

[bettyberry]

Just received an invite to a naming ceremony.

Its a non-religious thing and is mostly people giving speeches and dedications to the children (Part of me is thinking of the scene in sleeping beauty where the fairies bestow gifts on the baby)

There is a dress code, a gift list (no deviating!) and strict instructions not to drink alcohol even though the venue has a bar.

There will be no food provided for the 'party' just snacks (crisps, nuts etc) or drinks apart from soda.

It is 3 hours long, early evening, right around dinner time.

The children haven't changed names, no blended family, marriage or ensuring DCs have the same surname etc (I'd still be a bit for these but understand the value of celebrating a 'new' family set up) parents have been together 10+years.

The children are 5 and 8.

To me it all feels a bit grabby (the specific gift list) and that the host (the DCs mother) is feeling a bit put out both her sisters have had babies recently and no one is interested in her spoilt children.

Please tell me I'm not going barmy and this really is just a 'look at me, I'm here! Look at me!' thing.

Oh betty - your poor mum! And yet, y'know, reap what ye sow and all that...

ThumbWitchesAbroad I have my own personal issues with my mother but to not thank someone for doing a something is just rude and twatty. It took weeks to make the cake. I know, I helped!

The cake was my mothers wedding gift saving my sister the best part of £300.

Lorelei9 - now they put up with it partly because of my nephew, they don't want to lose contact with him. The preceeding 20 years, I don't know. My dad has made occasional attempts at standing up to him but my mother undermines him, and my dad isn't really committed to it enough to stick to it and incur her wrath.

On the upside, we don't have a big family or lots of occasions, so I don't have to put up with the kind of openly batshit stuff the op does!

In a way betty I'm glad to hear it's not just me. Obviously it's not good. But I'm realising that I shouldn't have to just put up and shut up. I'm an adult. I can decide who I see. And who I don't. And family should respect that and stop trying to force things.

"obviously it's not good" understatement of the day from me there....

Yes they should respect your choices Ememem84 I didn't go to a thing because of my DS's SN and challenging behaviour it was a distance away via train on a bank holiday weekend. I got so much abuse about it it was unreal but I stood my ground. It would have been hell for me to travel esp with DS who cannot handle crowds, public transport or lots of noise. I've been accused of using DSs needs as an excuse not to see people.

Letting people get away with it just makes it hell for everyone else and then there is an air of 'oh we mustn't' even if its something really really bad.

The wedding thing sounds horrific.

We had a one glass of wine each wedding as it was as church venue and their rules however we made it an afternoon tea wedding 2.30 til 5pm thing, no speeches etc. just church wedding, very few photos and a sit down buffet and mingling with the guests for those who wanted. Short and sweet!

It is the pandering, it's bl**dy nuts and heaven forbid you want an individual relationship with family members because that gives for accusations of exclusion and splitting up the family when all you meant was to get to spend one on one time/fewer on fewer because that's all you cope with.

Easy - I see, but yes, the previous 20 years aren't explained.

betty "Letting people get away with it just makes it hell for everyone else and then there is an air of 'oh we mustn't' even if its something really really bad."

this is what I find sad. People collectively doing nothing in the face of behaviour they know is awful and letting one or two, who will stand up to it, get the worst of it. And if there's no one, then the person in question just gets away with it? I don't get it.

Blimey , lorelei9 exactly what you said

I feel I am being punished for saying enough is enough . Family don't contact me now

betty - just a note to clarify - there was no soft drink and no water at the wedding?!

heehaw - sorry to hear that.

I was going to ask that lorelei9. So people ate a meal without any liquid? That's bizarre!

have you not spoken to your mum, Betty or any other relative? Even if FB's quiet.

When is the naming ceremony? (I'm selfishly hoping you'll go so you can tell us about it).

lorelei9 no drinks until the bar opened. Everyone assumed it would open when the buffet was available so we thought we could purchased drinks with the buffet. we didn't expect free drinks at all but expected there to be a way to purchase them! But because she said no bar until later there were no drinks. except for the wine that was dished out when the speeches were said.

The hotel had assumed the bar would be open when the guests arrived and would fill water jugs up as needed. Instead they had nothing to do and only really returned to the room when the bar was open. It was in a hotel btw so they didn't abandon us completely. I went to find out where a shop was and bought soda myself. I had a 3yo at the time too. You can imagine how well that went down.

Fatmomma99 not for another 7 ish weeks. I have spoken to my mother. Her response was 'well, its her do'. She's right but also she should be telling her She's being stupid and ridiculous. Even my mother thinks so but wont tell her! thats why I get so mad. Also, I am pretty sure there will be stories to tell after. Always are! Plus my sis will put every little detail on her FB selling page.

Sorry betty but I agree with certain others that posting on FB is not the way to go, it's inflammatory and will only make things worse. Some people will always thrive on drama and you can't change that but you can choose whether you want to be a part of it or not. If not then ignore the drama and don't engage with it. Likewise if and when things are said to friends and/or family, they are grown ups and can make up their own minds.

I speak from experience as I put up with an attention seeking SIL for years but years ago, around when we started our own family, we distanced ourselves and it's the best thing we ever did. Earlier this year, after a family meal, she attempted to involve us in some drama again but we just completely ignored it. Years back I would have been urging my DH to answer back etc but not any more. We attended the meal, chatted, made an effort then we went home, simple as that.

Re the original naming ceremony issue, tbh I would go along regardless of your opinion on it as I get that she's your sister and it's supposed to be a family occasion. Go along, smile, don't discuss your opinions on it, on FB or otherwise, then go home and get on with your life. Any drama from it, ignore, ignore, ignore.

And this is how the narcissistic MIL start.... If either of her DC are boys then no doubt there will be lots of threads about dSis from her despairing DIL in 20 years or so.....

DIL: my MiL wants DH to stay with her whilst I'm in labour in case she feels left out, am IBU to say he should be with me?
MN: has she always been this attention seeking?
DIL: well she do make him have a naming ceremony when he was 8 for no reason except her sister had a new baby & she didn't......
MN:

To those who think it shouldn't have been 'Facebooked', sometimes things just have to be put 'out there' in the most public way possible. The reason this type of person gets away with their shit is because no one stands up and says 'I've had ENOUGH and I'm not going to deal with it anymore!'. The family creeps about, whinging to each other about how awful it is that they have to mollycoddle so-and-so, but no one ever says anything to try to change it. It's like a boil, sometimes ignoring them makes them go away, but most often, you have to lance them to get rid of them.

If nothing else, betty's post will inform the family in no uncertain terms that she has no intention of being abused and manipulated by her sister, so they shouldn't expect it of her. They can either stand with her or against her. She's prepared to deal with either eventuality.

The one thing I will say is that besides Sister, the ones to blame are the parents. They're usually the ones who are 'hushing' up the others. Left to themselves, the siblings would most likely put Sister straight in no uncertain terms. But because the parents put pressure/guilt on them, the siblings do nothing. And how painful it must be to know that your parents value you so much less than your vicious, self-centered sibling!

AcrossthePond55 thats how I do feel. That family members would rather spare her feelings than mine and really she needs to be told what I am if I am ever unreasonable or behaving like a twat. We're all guilty of that but not on a daily basis.

I still haven't heard a thing (from her). They all know my view now and another sibling has actually decided to be as vocal as me too (the one who was banned from going!) I dont think I mentioned that, a sibling has been banned because she will 'show herself up' she's single, a teen, working and spending her money how she pleases. I suspect its another frankly ridiculous reason why she hasn't been invited. Its comical. The sibling wasn't told to her face. Just no invite given and everyone else was expected to pass the message along which is just vile behaviour.

so to PPs who think this is a family thing, it isn't. If it was everyone would be invited and I mean everyone. Its just a way for my sis to fluff her feathers and assert her believed dominance.

as an aside a part of me really does want to send a really jokey gift. Petty yes, funny absolutely!

I probably wont. I'll just thinking about. Something with 'my first' on it wont go down well at all!

Oh god Shelby2010 I hadn't even thought about that! yes, I can see it happening. Esp seeing an aunt behave similarly and how that has turned out.

your sibling was excluded for being a teenager? How exactly was she you going to show herself up at a party with no booze? Having really jazzy nails? Having a hair do us older people don't really understand? Wearing a nicer dress than the hostess?

fastdaytears I'm the one who wears the more outlandish clothes! cross between standard mum uniform (jeans) goth/metal and hippu

I have no Idea but there was a thing with the hosts husband gawping at (legal, she's not long turned 20) teens boobs last year and the host getting miffed about it. Although I am not at all sure the husband actually did that and its just another way for people to feel sorry for her. No one saw him do it IYSWIM and it has been a thing that other sis must cover up in his presence. Host sis demands it and whines to mother if she doesn't.

yes, I have been very opinionated on this that the host must reprimand her husband for his behaviour not lay the blame on other sis.

betty - no drinks at all?!

Also SMH at this "she's single, a teen, working and spending her money how she pleases."

Hell, I'm nearly 40 and doing the same. Well, okay, I have a mortgage to pay but you know what I mean. What on earth is wrong with the teen doing that? I presume she's not spongeing off family and spending her money on drugs and partying or some such?!

this is bizarre. I respect her right to behave as bizarrely as she chooses but she needs to understand that might mean that people just leave her alone.

betty that's dreadful. Teen sibling can and should dress exactly as she likes. Covering her nipples would be a good start but other than that how actually dare your crazy sister dictate!

she does cover her nipples fast

no not sponging lorelei9 but partying yes but with that she doesn't live at home so no one has the right to tell her no. At 20 I did just the same so I cannot judge.

I'm starting to think PPs were right when they suggested it might be something a bit more deep seated than usual crazy behaviour. Writing it down just highlights how nuts it all is.

betty "no not sponging lorelei9 but partying yes but with that she doesn't live at home so no one has the right to tell her no"

absolutely - if she's supporting herself, then good for her. A great way to live in fact
Possible your sister is jealous? I can't think why anyone would judge someone supporting themselves and enjoying their life at such a young age. Heck, I get cross about the odd person judging me for how I live mine (always the odd sad sack who thinks if you're not married with kids by 40 your life has gone wrong).

some people are odd, but as I say, it's one thing to be odd and another thing to be completely clueless that people might not like it. That said, if no one bar you is pointing it out...

hopefully you won't have any fall out from this, if all is quiet so far I'd bet people are relieved you spoke up.

lorelei9 I get where you are coming from RE kids. I sometimes regret a little I had my one young (22) because my life is so so constrained right now but on the other hand the thought of having had freedom then being 40 and going through this is more terrifying! I hit 40 and my DS turns 18. Its like it was meant to happen

I think the crazy sis does have a fair bit of jealousy/envy/insecurity amongst other things.

Yes, it is all very very quiet. Though I have a feeling next week it might (probably wont) get rough.

So sounds like you're not alone, Betty! That's great.