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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell her to jog on? naming day

547 replies

bettyberry · 10/09/2015 14:40

Just received an invite to a naming ceremony.

Its a non-religious thing and is mostly people giving speeches and dedications to the children (Part of me is thinking of the scene in sleeping beauty where the fairies bestow gifts on the baby)

There is a dress code, a gift list (no deviating!) and strict instructions not to drink alcohol even though the venue has a bar. Hmm

There will be no food provided for the 'party' just snacks (crisps, nuts etc) or drinks apart from soda.

It is 3 hours long, early evening, right around dinner time.

The children haven't changed names, no blended family, marriage or ensuring DCs have the same surname etc (I'd still be a bit Hmm for these but understand the value of celebrating a 'new' family set up) parents have been together 10+years.

The children are 5 and 8.

To me it all feels a bit grabby (the specific gift list) and that the host (the DCs mother) is feeling a bit put out both her sisters have had babies recently and no one is interested in her spoilt children.

Please tell me I'm not going barmy and this really is just a 'look at me, I'm here! Look at me!' thing.

OP posts:
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Original poster
bettyberry · 11/09/2015 12:47

WankerDeAsalWipe When I stand back and talk to others about it I laugh too. It is ridiculous and crazy. She is nuts. There is so much more I could add but can't because its too too personal.

The crux of it is her insecurity. She is very very insecure and thinks every woman is out to bed her man.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 11/09/2015 13:02

Oh I admire you big time OP. There is far too much of 'oh we mustn't say X because it will upset someone' bullshit in this life (my family can be terrible for it), I speak out a little bit more or just ignore them.

YANBU and I'm very interested to see how this plays out. Do you think enough people won't go so she has to cancel or will she carry on with the charade regardless, and blame you for 'making' others decline as well?

AlphabetStew · 11/09/2015 13:10

Actually 'CrazySister' has missed a trick here really when you think about it. She should just gave a naming ceremony for the 8 year old. That way next time she's low on presents/ attention she can have a second one for the younger child.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 11/09/2015 13:13

As bad as it sounds, I am actually starting to feel sorry for her - not because of anything you've done, I still think you are right to do what you've done. I mean more because she sounds anxious and uptight and insecure and quite frankly needs help. She is going to end up a sad and lonely woman as people start to opt out of dealing with her.

TendonQueen · 11/09/2015 13:18

I feel sorry for the kids, who are the ones at the centre of this event and may feel pretty upset if they work out people are mocking this party for them. Even if they didn't want a party, that's not a nice feeling.

Original poster
bettyberry · 11/09/2015 13:24

WankerDeAsalWipe When I'm not hating her attitude I do too. I know she needs help. Lots of it, it wont be an easy fix. Its sad and pathetic at the same time. She is driving massive wedges between different family members.

Me and my grandparents with lies. Our Mother and grandmother. All the siblings. She has interfered with relationships, criticised parenting techniques, you name it :(

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 11/09/2015 13:25

Is it reasonable to expect a person not to call your child 'Chris' when you do so yourself

No, that's at "batshit" again. As you were.

I was thinking of a situation I know of where the mum loves the full name but hates the standard abbreviation so gave the child a different spelling to be clear that it wasn't to be shortened (equivalent to calling child Elisabeth rather than Elizabeth to avoid Liz/Lizzie) and got very upset, with some justification I think, when her family ignored this and used Liz anyway. But if BSCSis is using the abbrev herself she can't complain about others doing so.

I apologise for doubting the batshit.

Original poster
bettyberry · 11/09/2015 13:39

its ok FishWithABicycle you are doing what you are 'meant' to do. Question all sides. Its fine. Smile

OP posts:
WankerDeAsalWipe · 11/09/2015 13:47

Actually it sounds like she has a personality disorder which is not easily fixed as far as I understand. mental health issues have better treatment options and results. A lot of people in Criminal mental facilities have personality disorders. I think it's going to end up as being a containment of her issues and self preservation is going to be a bit part of it I think.

RustyParker · 11/09/2015 13:55

I'm NC with my mother, sister and brother and have been for 4 years. I finally did it when it became obvious that my DC were being treated unfairly in favour of my siblings' DC.

You don't have to justify your actions to anyone here. I've always been very private but recently aired some dirty laundry on fb of all places and although I was a bit embarassed that I went so far, I got loads of support which had previously been denied to me because I had kept their toxic behaviour secret. I was through protecting them. If venting anonymously on MN helps, then that's fine in my book.

All the best.

RandomMess · 11/09/2015 14:04

My SIL is a bit batshat due to insecurity and yep after another one of her episodes having a go at me for her brother not sending her a birthday card (WTF when she regularly doesn't send me/the kids one!) I lost it back I just can't take the pandering towards her from MIL anymore.

I digress but I completely understand the fa??ade of everyone treading on eggshells around them yet zero allowances are ever made for anyone else, zero help given etc, etc. TBH it's a kind of bullying. MIL is too frightened to ever pull her up in case she cuts contact Sad

So bloody unhealthy for everyone.

LargeGoldAtrociousCunt · 11/09/2015 14:23

Talk about Batshit! Shock

I am nc with most of my family op and it really is one of the best things I have ever done.

I hope you do not get too much backlash off family members for this Thanks

Roomba · 11/09/2015 14:52

This really is batshit! I started reading thinking, oh dear this is a bit PFB, someone has been reading too many baby magazines and watching too many episodes of The Kardashians or something.... then saw the request for no alcohol and though 'fuck that'...

But I assumes it was for a new baby! Five and Eight??? That's fucking ridiculous.

YANB at all U! Do not go to this, it's the stupidest thing I ever heard of. I think going NC with her may be a very good idea.

brokenhearted55a · 11/09/2015 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lazycoo · 11/09/2015 16:58

I thought this was a joke until I saw it was you betty. I'm so sorry you're having to put up with such awful behaviour in your family. She sounds like a colleague of mine and the struggle is real.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/09/2015 17:27

Some lots of times someone just has to challenge that type of behaviour. No one should be able to run rough shod over family members spewing bile as they go. You have done the right thing, even if no one in the family has the courage to stand up for you. If they get angry and you end up NC, it's their loss, not yours. They will still be tiptoeing around your sister and having to listen to her poison. You will be free as a bird.

Rock on!

Original poster
bettyberry · 11/09/2015 17:32

Some of those traits ring true MrsTerryPratchett Esp as I am able to look back over 10+ years worth of behaviours and you lot have a handful of anecdotes and I think WankerDeAsalWipe is right too. We've had it for years. Even as kids.

lazycoo no joke! I wish it was :(

Roomba already had the PFB and PSB. I think this is a continuation of it.

RandomMess I hate that. Essentially the batshit one is holding the rest of the family to ransom. Its horrid. I feel your pain I really do :(

OP posts:
Original poster
bettyberry · 11/09/2015 17:34

I think thats the case AcrossthePond55 I haven't heard a thing all day. I am not surprised. I feel relieved (to say it so bluntly) Losing family second time around doesn't feel as scary as it did first time and I know a couple will remain in contact.

OP posts:
CalmYourselfTubbs · 11/09/2015 17:38

don't go. and no gift either.

Heehawheehawheehaw · 11/09/2015 17:49

the saddest thing is that you've done nothing wrong

lazycoo · 11/09/2015 19:30

Wish it was too betty, what an utter nightmare. How are you feeling? If you're vulnerable I've got a MLM for you Wink. All jokes aside, sending Wine. Has there been much more response on FB? Not for the salacious deets but I know I find silence hard to handle so hoping you are getting some support from your family

Chippednailvarnish · 11/09/2015 19:33

I think you and your other NC sibling should get together on the same day and host an naming ceremony for the two of you, including lots and lots of drinks. Then post the photos on FB!

ShizeItsWeegie · 11/09/2015 19:35

Turn up with loads of those fart putty things where you jam it in a little plastic toilet and it makes an excellent and splendidly loud trump every time without fail. Have one for every kid there and plenty left over so all the blokes won't be able to resist having a go either. If they can't drink, they will want something to do with their hands would be my innocent reasoning behind it. Grin

lorelei9 · 11/09/2015 20:02

OP - I can sum up my response to this by going ??????????????????? to the first post and even more ?????????????? to the rest of it.

However...I'm interested that you say there is a thing in your family that no one must upset her. I have a friend who has someone like that in her family. It causes a lot of upset - because that particular family member, for some reason, has free reign to say whatever she wants, no matter how out of order it is - and no one complains. My friend won't go NC, and won't get any back up from the rest of her family when she wants to question the upsetting/illogical/irrational things said by this person, and sits through all kinds of unkind remarks because of it.

I have said to her that if one person makes a stand, maybe they all can but her take on it is "no, because we don't upset xxx". I don't discuss it with her any more but do provide a shoulder when she is upset. I have wondered if there is some kind of background info that I don't have. But then on the other hand, I have wondered if people are so nervous of any confrontation/objection - especially with a family member if they have the idea that family is sacred - that they have simply grown into the habit over the years.

It kind of makes me tempted to conduct an experiment in my own family to make sure no one ever criticises Lorelei!! I just don't really get how no one, even in large families, can decide that one person must be treated as such a delicate flower. It's bizarre.