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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell her to jog on? naming day

547 replies

bettyberry · 10/09/2015 14:40

Just received an invite to a naming ceremony.

Its a non-religious thing and is mostly people giving speeches and dedications to the children (Part of me is thinking of the scene in sleeping beauty where the fairies bestow gifts on the baby)

There is a dress code, a gift list (no deviating!) and strict instructions not to drink alcohol even though the venue has a bar. Hmm

There will be no food provided for the 'party' just snacks (crisps, nuts etc) or drinks apart from soda.

It is 3 hours long, early evening, right around dinner time.

The children haven't changed names, no blended family, marriage or ensuring DCs have the same surname etc (I'd still be a bit Hmm for these but understand the value of celebrating a 'new' family set up) parents have been together 10+years.

The children are 5 and 8.

To me it all feels a bit grabby (the specific gift list) and that the host (the DCs mother) is feeling a bit put out both her sisters have had babies recently and no one is interested in her spoilt children.

Please tell me I'm not going barmy and this really is just a 'look at me, I'm here! Look at me!' thing.

OP posts:
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PHANTOMnamechanger · 10/09/2015 21:08

how well do you get on with your BIL, OP? Could you talk to him? Is he in denial about what she is like? Is he as bad as her - or will this all have been her idea and he has been bulldozed into going along with it?

Original poster
bettyberry · 10/09/2015 21:08

PHANTOMnamechanger I wont say which one. Yes, it was intended as support. Yes they have commented with emojis and liked the comments but not the posts. I suspect it will filter through slowly. Like I said, my pool of friends is tiny and I doubt she will see it until the morning.

OP posts:
ChestyNut · 10/09/2015 21:10

You rock OP!

Regularhiding · 10/09/2015 21:11

Blimey.
What's her partner like?

Original poster
bettyberry · 10/09/2015 21:13

PHANTOMnamechanger not well at all. He is rarely allowed to go out alone. His wife goes to work with him too Shock and he is defo not allowed to visit us on his own. She was very funny that he went to my mothers for dinner every night when she went away on holiday once. his own DM lives in another town.

Part of me thinks he is as bad as her, another thinks he is under the thumb and he is defo in denial but probably not as much as I think he is. Divorce has been uttered countless times. in the last few years.

OP posts:
highkickindandy · 10/09/2015 21:15

Did I mention I did go NC with a chunk of my family because of this kind of twatfuckery?

Sounds like you may be heading that way again? This won't end well will it?

There's a lot to be said for honesty, and not saying behind someone's back what you wouldn't have the nerve to say to their face, but I can't think of many people who would cope with this level of honesty/brutality. Your wider friends and family will presumably get caught up in the fallout and pressured to take sides - some may well side with her for the sake of a quiet life or if they think you were too harsh, despite maybe agreeing with you. If your line has been crossed and you're past caring about consequences, fair enough.

I do admire your nerve and like the idea of you actually saying/writing something that most people would only say they would say.....

Original poster
bettyberry · 10/09/2015 21:17

InternationalEspionage I do feel better for it. I'm a shit liar so I couldn't pretend any more. Even if I did go I'd be sat there with a wtf face on.

I am angry and sad all at the same time. Its a difficult one because it has always been like this or has felt that it has always been like this. I'm OK but I do have an awesome OH who, although not around for it all, has got the gist of the dynamics and is non-judgemental and cant wait to whip me away from it all (I want to go too btw!)

OP posts:
NeededANameChangeAnyway · 10/09/2015 21:20

Wow. Just. Wow.

fastdaytears · 10/09/2015 21:21

Clearly this is about a lot more than the bat shit crazy ceremony, so I don't have any issue with the public message! Also, your wording was awesome.

I hope the fall out doesn't affect the nameless kids. Sounds like they might have more to worry about than a FB status anyway.

Would LOVE to have been there when your BIL explained to his therapist that he was there because he likes to wank every now and then. Like a normal person.

Original poster
bettyberry · 10/09/2015 21:25

highkickindandy I think you are right and they will side with her. I had thought about it before I did it. I am at the end of my tether. I have an insane amount to deal with without this rubbish.

My line wasn't just crossed though. It was driven over at 90mph and crashed into my flippin tree.

If my family choose to side with her I don't actually mind. I know that sounds really really odd but I really don't mind because I understand their frustrations. They understand mine too. My mother is to blame in this though when she lets it happen (my sister and her craziness) We may all be adults but she is still in a position to parent and sadly She doesn't. I have had to take over that role on more than one occasion including now. :(

OP posts:
Liara · 10/09/2015 21:30

Oh, I soo understand you OP. I had an incident like that with my sister last year. She is exactly the same kind of attention seeking nutter, where everything must always, always be done how and when it suits her and everyone must adapt to her.

Because she always makes the biggest fuss and because she is such a fuck up everyone tends to go with it, including me in the past.

Last year she pushed me too far. My mother had invited us all to a fabulous holiday to celebrate something, and asked us all to agree when we would go.

She point blank refused to go at any other point than the one which worked for her and for no one else, and which was actually not a great time from the point of view of the trip.

I told her exactly what I thought in an email to all the siblings. She then went running to dm with a completely distorted story. Dm got incredibly upset that the only thing she had asked was that we agree on a time and that 'none of us were willing to even try'. Fortunately I had the email chain so was able to forward that to dm and put her right.

You know what happened?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The trip did not happen (all our dc missed out on a great opportunity) and everyone acted as if nothing had happened. Not another thing was mentioned, it was really as if nothing had happened. The only thing is that when we were together for a few days dm asked me beforehand to please be nice to her for dm's sake.

Such is the way of my family. It is so expected that she will be totally unreasonable in every way that it doesn't so much as elicit comment.

tiredvommachine · 10/09/2015 21:30

Betty Flowers

PHANTOMnamechanger · 10/09/2015 21:33

I feel sorry for the children. It can't be easy living with a mother like that and a father who is bullied/suspected of god knows what. They sound like a deeply unhappy couple and the party idea was probably an attempt to fix things ,like when people mistakenly get married or have another baby to fix doomed relationships.

I think you've done all you can and N/C is the way to go.

Original poster
bettyberry · 10/09/2015 21:38

Liara Oh dear, thats horrid! I hate that nothing is ever resolved. Its bloody hard pretending all the time. Exhausting too :( I just wish other people understood that.

OP posts:
DartmoorDoughnut · 10/09/2015 21:40

I think you've done the right thing Betty Flowers not that you should care what a random off t'internet thinks mind you Grin

highkickindandy · 10/09/2015 21:40

oh dear, no doubt you had your reasons for non contact before and if the family dynamic hasn't changed, then I suppose you just decide whether it's worth putting up with or not. Sorry to hear about your Mum's role in enabling it all, that must be tough to cope with when you've got your own problems and maybe could use some support. Flowers

fastdaytears · 10/09/2015 21:42

betty lots of us do understand Wine

Original poster
bettyberry · 10/09/2015 21:46

PHANTOMnamechanger the second DC was conceived around the time the first time divorce was mentioned. I agree this is a bit 'keeping up appearances' they are really unhappy but wont admit it. Or she wont admit it because she will have 'failed'.

We (my siblings and I) joke she lives in a disney bubble to make it bearable for us all. Scary thing is though its true. She really does believe in these happy ever afters and married for life, true love fixes everything but it doesn't.

I will eventually be going NC again with a chunk of them again. I had hoped it had all changed and improved in the years I previously went NC (a number of years) but its just gotten worse.

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 10/09/2015 21:47

What's the facebook verdict? Tbh if I read that I might think 'haha, spot on' but I would say something supportive and conciliatory to the "host" just because it's not nice to be called out (and if someone else has already done that I might as well soften the blow). So if lots of replies are 'Well I thought it was a lovely idea' they probably didn't!

BigRedBall · 10/09/2015 21:48

I think it's really bad form feeding the hungry hyenas on here with your family/sibling problems.

It's one thing coming on here for advice, but pasting FB statuses and replies is just a bit attention seeking. Why can't you sort this out with your sister in private? Must there be an audience of thousands whilst you stand up to her on FB?

I don't care how much she's wronged you, or the countless times she's mean rude/grabby/attention seeking. I can only see one person ridiculing their own "sister" and making a public show of it...doesn't put you in a good light I'm afraid. And all these women laughing and clapping and wanting "more"...just like the witches in "The Witches"...makes me feel sick.

InternationalEspionage · 10/09/2015 21:51

So....I reckon she will try twisting it, struggle (cos black and white), we always have the option of dragging up history...any convo of last 25 years or so is fair game, as we all know.

Basically, she'll try to spin that you are a crazy nasty birch, possibly bully you into a corner , demand apology etc.

I see from the mood you're in tonight that shall fail Grin

So, she'll go plan B = pure aggression, streams of verbal abuse (maybe by phone to disguise tracks and retain squeaky clean victim wait image)

You're possibly not up for that either...Confused

Which just leaves us with plan C = victim complex and scrapping mega guilt all over you, before attempting to assassinate your character by stealth.

Let me know when I can pick up the prize for best guess Star

ollieplimsoles · 10/09/2015 21:55

Room on the bench for a nearly 8 months pregnant lady? This thread has made me forget about my spd for the evening.

Betty Flowers for you, you have done the right thing, she needed telling and people should be more direct with family members.

Reminds me of the poster a while back who had trouble with her batshit crazy sister taking photos of her kids and not letting her see them.

Original poster
bettyberry · 10/09/2015 21:55

To those asking. There is not much I can do for her DCs atm. There really isn't. She doesn't let anyone else take them out in the car. Hardly ever lets MIL look after them (and she really really wants to be involved! She tells us all when ever she visits how she wishes she could see them more. She is willing to travel too and is the first to offer babysitting duties!). Hardly ever lets them be alone. She even stays at parties and I 'think' she has a job in a school now but I'm not 100% on that. I know she does something in the school. Own mother is the only one I know of allowed to look after them but only in her or mothers home. Again not allowed out in the car.

She doesn't actually trust me with them.

It is insane.

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/09/2015 21:56

Sometimes we have to say things others may struggled swallow.

Op, your dsis is batshit. I feel sorry for her h and for her kids
Do what you gotta do, put your family first.

burblish · 10/09/2015 22:06

Liara Flowers and Betty Flowers What utter caaaaahs both of your sisters are!