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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the fucking computer game?

104 replies

DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 00:17

DH is working from home at the moment. A year or so ago he started playing a game on the PS3 a couple of evenings a week. It was fine, although I don't really "get" the appeal and I asked that he not play it when DD was around as it's not suitable.

Over the last 2-3 months it's progressed to playing in a team online, and there's some major deadline to complete something in the next couple of weeks. Initially he was running planned sessions past me before agreeing to them. Now he's just going ahead and doing it, and it's every night. Through the summer it would start at 10pm (with him "warming up" from about 9pm) and finish somewhere between 1am and 2am. Tonight it was starting at 8pm, so he turned the thing on at about 7pm (and hasn't moved since).

Now, I get that he feels isolated working from home. And I don't object to him playing occasionally, but this is getting on my nerves now. I end up in another room (can't talk or make noise or walk in front of him when he's gaming as whoever is on his headset can hear me and it's too distracting) watching TV on my iPad. He comes to bed long after I'm asleep and leaves me to sort DD out in the morning (the late nights means he's getting up at 9:30am-ish to start work at 10am).

I've tried explaining it calmly, I've tried shouting, I've gone on strike, I've done everything but cut the plug off the fucking thing and bounce his head off the wall. What am I doing wrong here?!

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 00:19

Oh, and he's doing even less than usual around the house! I've seriously had enough!

OP posts:
Moregravyplease · 08/09/2015 00:31

I am a gamer but realise the impact on others. So I have one night a week where I have a late night gaming session and then I sleep downstairs sometimes so as not to disturb DH getting in to bed. I could happily play every night but realise it's not ok.

I go on campaigns online but nothing with time limits, what's the actual game called?

The other reason he may be on so late are his team mates may be in America, sounds like he has a proper gaming addiction.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 00:42

It's Destiny.

OP posts:
borisgudanov · 08/09/2015 00:58

"Destiny"? I thought it was "Being an antisocial arse".

RainbowFlutterby · 08/09/2015 06:36

Does he know his "mates" are probably 12 yr olds?

I think it's a 16, but DS and a lot of his friends play it.

Deadline? Never heard of anything with a deadline.

Moregravyplease · 08/09/2015 08:23

He is totally bullshitting you about there being a deadline in Destiny. I don't, play it but my DS does. I was wondering if it was a PC game.

They may have set themselves some kind of deadline to gain achievements in the game but that's self imposed. I'm campaigning in a game and play with 3 guys in the states but weekends only due to work plus the time difference. The achievements are still there they don't disappear.

There was a free game called Travian that had timed battle attacks so did have specific times you needed to play but that's the only one I know. My mate was playing it under the table in a staff meeting on his I phone, very naughty.

There are many adults that game but they are not very vocal to non gamers as they are not interested.

TeamScoutRifle · 08/09/2015 08:24

Your dh will have been rushing to get everything done before the big update today and ready for The Taken King which comes out next week. Expect it to get worse next week when the new game is released.
I play this game and I'm in a clan with about 75 odd adult gamers (no children allowed in our clan)
You may think we are being antisocial but when you have kids and can't get out or are totally skint then this is the next best thing. It's no worse than sitting watching TV all evening.
I do however make sure all housework is done and the kids are settled before I play and my dh is a gamer too so neither of us mind. It works for us.
I think your dh is being unreasonable though, he should still do his chores of course and you shouldn't feel like you can't speak to him whilst playing as he can mute his mic. He should take a few nights off a week to spend with you (my dh & I do this) and no one cares if we can hear partners in the background (my dh will come up and talk to me whilst I play and no one cares)
I think some ground rules need to be made and then perhaps you could get a hobby of your own to do whilst he plays.
Good luck next week Wink

TeamScoutRifle · 08/09/2015 08:25

Sorry but yes there is a deadline as bounties need completing and weeklies need finishing before today's big update so no he isn't bullshitting you op.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 08:42

Yes, I've just been told about tonight's update. I'm going to use it as an opportunity to agree some guidelines about when/how long it gets to played for (he was still up at 3:30am but apparently they completed whatever the mission was).

I don't really need a hobby - my OU course restarts in a few weeks (but generally only takes up 8-10 hours a week and I tend to study when he's working rather than of an evening). It's not the hobby itself that's a problem, it's the antisocial nature of it and the impact it's having on others/the house.

As for watching telly, the sky box is almost full and some progs are 2-3 years old and not yet watched. I think we could sit down and watch 4 hours a night and still not be done by Xmas!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/09/2015 08:51

I've tried explaining it calmly, I've tried shouting, I've gone on strike, I've done everything but cut the plug off the fucking thing and bounce his head off the wall. What am I doing wrong here?

I don't think there is much else you can do if rational discussion with him won't change his mind about his activity. I've learned a long time ago that you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change your own reaction to it.

He clearly enjoys playing this game more than spending time with you and your DD.

You have two options - leave him or just disengage - spend time on your OU work, do other hobbies, watch tv on your own, go out with your DD, join a gym/meet friends in the evenings when he is gaming, sleep separately, eat separately - if he wants to act like 'flat mates' then let him.

anklebitersmum · 08/09/2015 09:01

Horribly, horribly addictive game. A never-ending-nearly-got-the-reward based-psychologically-designedto-be-as-addictive-as-possible nightmare.

I'd be binning him if he refuses to re-join reality pronto.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 08/09/2015 09:12

But watching TV all evening is nowhere near as antisocial, if you're willing to pause it/watch it later/choose something you both like etc. this is like inviting the lads round to your house for the evening. What a great example for his child too.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 09:20

DD doesn't know anything about it really - apart from last night she's usually asleep before he starts it.

OP posts:
Moregravyplease · 08/09/2015 09:32

Sorry my mistake, glad I have never played it as it sounds addictive though I have heard it is an amazing game.

BrandNewAndImproved · 08/09/2015 09:40

I would make a deal saying if he wants to not pull his fair share of weight in regards to housework he needs to pay for a cleaner.

I wouldn't argue about it, if he doesn't do it advertise for a cleaner.

yorkshapudding · 08/09/2015 09:44

I couldn't live like this. He is putting his hobby before you, your DD and everything else by the sound of it. I would be surprised if his work isn't suffering too since he's staying up til the early hours gaming and not starting work til 10am. Does he go out and spend time with real life friends or is this his only social contact?

When you've confronted him about it how has he responded? Does he not really get the impact this is having on you or does he get it but just not care?

In your position I would sit him down for a serious discussion tonight. Warn him in advance that you have something important to discuss with him as soon as DD is in bed. I would be (calmly) making the following points:

You feel that he is putting his hobby before his marriage and his child. It is making you unhappy and putting a distance between you. If nothing changes it will also put a distance between him and DD. He is not pulling his weight around the house or with childcare. You are not prepared to put up with this anymore.

I would decide now what you feel a fair and appropriate amount of time (one evening a week, for example) on his hobby would be. Tell him that this is what you feel is reasonable and necessary for him to step up and be a good husband and father as he is being neither at present. If he is not willing to do this for the benefit of his family then I'm not sure I could accept that to be honest and would be having a serious think about wether I wanted to stay in a relationship where I (and my DC) come second to a computer game.

DaniBubbles · 08/09/2015 12:26

I have been in a similar situation, OP. Except mine broke up our relationship. I knew right from the start that ex was a gamer but at the start it was all hearts and flowers and spending time together like any other relationship.. by the end though he was on his computer constantly. He upped and left college, refused to get a job or even sign on. Woke up at 3pm, on the game with headphones on until about 4.30/5am, went to sleep and repeat. All day every day. He didn't cook, he didn't clean, refused to leave the house. We never went to bed at the same time, and right up at the end, we didn't even talk to each other for days, sometimes weeks on end. One day I found an excuse to get him to go to his mother's and that's it, his stuff followed him. He was devastated but like you, I had tried everything. Shouting, talking rationally, I even started treating him like a child.. changing the WiFi password and eventually did cut the plug off his computer. Nothing worked and I couldn't take it anymore.

I'm by no means saying that your solution should be to sling him out but these "hobbies" do have a way of getting out of control sometimes.

Doublebubblebubble · 08/09/2015 12:32

Myself and dh are gamers too. We also only play games once dd 6 is asleep as none of them are appropriate really. We have one evening a week each to play. It does really get competitive and for want of a better word, addictive. Playing with others online is also super fun. I think my crocheting and mumsnetting (I didn't say that) is probably far more unsocial lol

TeamScoutRifle · 08/09/2015 13:16

Destiny is very addictive but if you've got the time and an understanding partner then that's fine.

More- it's a great game, very clan based. Looking forward to The taken king!

I've made some really great friends via it who I have actually met in person so not unlike MN in some respects. I can sit there MNing all evening and just be as antisocial haha.

Op I would get that cleaner someone suggested and enjoy your OU course once it starts again.
Unfortunately if it wasn't Destiny it would be another game because they are just getting better and better with regards to enjoyment.

Notimefortossers · 08/09/2015 13:28

This would piss me off to the end of the very earth. I suggest you have an 'accident' with the PS3 while cleaning :) x

Pastamancer · 08/09/2015 13:30

I can't complain, I bought DH the PS4 and Destiny :)

He gets up at 6am to allow time to play it and plays some evenings after DD1 is in bed. Yes there are things on the game that have to be done at a certain time, there are some bits that can only be done once a week so if he doesn't play that night then he was to wait until the following week. I enjoy playing games too, Kingdom of Loathing is my main once (hence my username).

When Gran was being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, the memory nurse came round to assess her at home and turned up while Mum was playing CoD. He commented that these type of games are good for the brain, you have to react quickly so it keeps the brain active.

happymummyone · 08/09/2015 13:38

Oh destiny! The bane of my fucking life. Our DPs must be long lost twins, as i could have written your OP. Every sodding night. Do they grow out of it?! Anyway i've told him he can play it after i've gone to bed and not around the DC, no one else needs to be subjected to it. This seems to work quite nicely, i dont really care what he gets up to after i've gone to bed or how late he's up doing it (dont notice him coming to bed, im zonked) as long as he is still helpful and up on time. His gaming cannot affect family life, it just cant.

MsTargaryen · 08/09/2015 13:43

Yanbu. Gaming for fun and as a hobby is one thing but when it starts to intrude into other areas of your life, you might have a problem. I'd be concerned that he can't seem to limit the time spent on it.

No useful advice though on how to change his behaviour because my gaming addiction (cringe) only ended when I went cold turkey for several months after realising how much it was affecting my real life.

Even now I can slip into old ways but I recognise it happening as soon as it does and ban myself from games for a while. I'm currently in a game free period of time Grin

googoodolly · 08/09/2015 13:51

DP plays Destiny. He plays most evenings (which I don't mind because I like my time alone) but only after everything else is done. We have no DC, but we both make sure all housework is done first - e.g. laundry, dishes, dinner cooked and cleaned up.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him playing so long as a) all housework/childcare stuff is done first and b) it means he can still help in the mornings.

So he can play until 1am, but that doesn't get him out of doing the morning routine. So he has to be able to get up to help with the DC regardless of when he went to bed.

Aside from that, I don't think you can dictate to an adult how they spend their free time. It's a pretty harmless hobby at the end of the day.

yorkshapudding · 08/09/2015 13:52

It really doesn't matter whether it's gaming, football, reading, fishing, whatever. It's a question of priorities. Hobbies are supposed to be done in your spare time, that means you fit a bit of gaming in around your work and family life not the other way around. If he's not pulling his weight around the house and he's not spending time with you as a couple or with the DC then he's expecting family life to revolve around his hobby which is selfish and not how it should work.