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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the fucking computer game?

104 replies

DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 00:17

DH is working from home at the moment. A year or so ago he started playing a game on the PS3 a couple of evenings a week. It was fine, although I don't really "get" the appeal and I asked that he not play it when DD was around as it's not suitable.

Over the last 2-3 months it's progressed to playing in a team online, and there's some major deadline to complete something in the next couple of weeks. Initially he was running planned sessions past me before agreeing to them. Now he's just going ahead and doing it, and it's every night. Through the summer it would start at 10pm (with him "warming up" from about 9pm) and finish somewhere between 1am and 2am. Tonight it was starting at 8pm, so he turned the thing on at about 7pm (and hasn't moved since).

Now, I get that he feels isolated working from home. And I don't object to him playing occasionally, but this is getting on my nerves now. I end up in another room (can't talk or make noise or walk in front of him when he's gaming as whoever is on his headset can hear me and it's too distracting) watching TV on my iPad. He comes to bed long after I'm asleep and leaves me to sort DD out in the morning (the late nights means he's getting up at 9:30am-ish to start work at 10am).

I've tried explaining it calmly, I've tried shouting, I've gone on strike, I've done everything but cut the plug off the fucking thing and bounce his head off the wall. What am I doing wrong here?!

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 10/09/2015 18:46

I don't want to watch TV! I'd quite like to spend some time with my husband where I'm not unconscious!

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/09/2015 00:28

Sooooo not happy. DD and I have been away from early Saturday to very late tonight. I left a few "booby traps" in the house plus the usual mess to see what happened: I left the iron and ironing board out, left some of DD's ironed clothes hanging on the door handle to our room, her lunchbox needing to be washed and her school shoes in the middle of the hall, plus some almost dead flowers in the case in the fireplace. These were all patently obvious and most would have been in the way at some/several point(s) over the weekend. Came home and not one has been dealt with. When he went away for a week I blitzed 80% of the house!

Too tired to bring it up tonight, but surely it's reasonable to thing some of these things should have been dealt with?

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/09/2015 00:39

This would piss me off if someone did thing, but have you thought about hiding his controllers?

YouTheCat · 14/09/2015 07:40

As a gamer I say, take the fuse out of the plug. That'll have him foxed.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/09/2015 07:47

Lots of evidence that he did other stuff over the weekend that suited him (in the garden, motorbike moved etc...........). Angry

OP posts:
BeeBawBabbity · 14/09/2015 07:53

This sounds like the early years of my marriage. Can you put a TV in the office for him to play on? Once I'd reclaimed the living room I found I wasnt as bothered.

MiaowTheCat · 14/09/2015 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/09/2015 09:05

I'm actually the messy one (pathologically so), and it's him who spots the tiny bit of envelope or tin foil amongst the bigger things and then nags me to throw it away rather than just bin it himself ((sigh)).

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/09/2015 09:13

Man I'm never playing that game.

I just want to pick up on an earlier post. He installed his update so you had a telly night and then you fell asleep on the settee. i would have looked at you thinking after all that earache and she falls asleep leaving me on my own anyway.

You've fell into the trap of putting yourself into competition with his game. You know the game doesn't give a toss whether your bloke gives you his attention or not don't you? Setting up booby traps is childish and all it's going to do is make you seethe.

He needs to get out of the living room, only I am allowed to game in the living room because I save it for when I'm alone, the rest of the house have man caves. I really would advise doing that before the machine is broken over his head. Once you've reclaimed the living room you may feel less like killing him. Then take it from there.

I don't know what to suggest as its obvious things are going to explode soon whether you think of taking a calm approach or not.

BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 09:19

the thing is, is that spending time with you cant be the thing he does when he has nothing better to do.
You might as well be on your own and it must be fricking lonely

LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 09:19

So despite him being super-tidy, he stepped over your DD's shoes in the middle of the hallway and didn't wash out her lunchbox.

He's a manchild, isn't he? Really, what do you get out of this relationship? I can't see any benefit to you (or your DD) at all. You could probably leave and he wouldn't notice until he ran out of milk :(

And Miaow - bullshit that men don't see the mess. Of course they do. They choose not to.

Branleuse · 14/09/2015 09:25

My relationship with my exh broke up because of online gaming (asherons call) and had very similar issues. relationships deteriorate quickly if one person completely checks out and puts all their soul and time into a game.
He'd even get pissed off with me when I made him dinner.

My dp now used to play WoW, but whilst still irritating, he did manage to fit it into family life a lot better and he didnt play it every day, or only used to play when I had gone to bed

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/09/2015 09:29

I just want to pick up on an earlier post. He installed his update so you had a telly night and then you fell asleep on the settee. i would have looked at you thinking after all that earache and she falls asleep leaving me on my own anyway.

I fell asleep at about 11:45pm after watching TV together from 8:30pm. Don't think that's unreasonable! He woke me at midnight to go to bed.

OP posts:
BrendaandEddie · 14/09/2015 09:31

men dont see mess

WHAT SHIT

I do wish women would stop enabling men to be such wankers

liletsthepink · 14/09/2015 09:57

Disappointed, I suggest that you book a counselling session with relate to discuss your problems with a third party. I found it was the only way for my exh to listen to me and realise how damaging his constant computer and gaming use was being to our marriage. Our marriage ended anyway but at least I felt I had fully explained why I was so miserable all the time!

EponasWildDaughter · 14/09/2015 10:38

If you're seriously that unhappy OP then re-read lilets post. Sit DH down and explain to him that his gaming habit is ruining your marriage. Explain that this will not be without consequences and you want to put a stop to the rot now while you both can.

My XHs devotion to his hobby over me and his daughters contributed to the fact that i walked out on him after 15 years or marriage and met someone else. It was more complicated than just his never ending attention to his hobby, of course. I tried to make him see, but his refusal to change was symptomatic his general apathy towards real life and the needs of his family.

AyeAmarok · 14/09/2015 10:58

I think this sounds like an addiction. He's putting it before everything else in his life. Are you sure he's not doing it during work time? If not it means he's making a conscious decision about where his priorities lie.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/09/2015 11:09

Been there, done that, lilets. Went for a session (he insisted - I was very much coerced into it), counsellor spoke to us both individually first then together. She ripped him a new one during the joint session: "if the ironing pile bothers you, why don't you do it? If she's messy in the kitchen, why don't you start cooking? Why would she want to be nice to you when you aren't prepared to contribute beyond money?"

He point blank refused to go back.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/09/2015 11:09

Are you sure he's not doing it during work time?

Absolutely. He's in my living room, remember!

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 11:10

I think it sounds as if your marriage is on the rocks :(

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/09/2015 11:10

He's just come upstairs to say that he "might be needed" on a game from 9pm tonight. I've just discovered the laundry basket overflowing with his clothes that he couldn't be bothered to wash while I was away. So close to blowing my top now.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 14/09/2015 11:13

Well the laundry is easy. Just leave it there.

Go downstairs and tell him the living room is out of Bounds tonight and he'll have to find somewhere else to play.

I believe you're going to blow your top very soon.

Thurlow · 14/09/2015 11:14

I would blow my top, if I were you. Seriously, he refuses to make any changes despite you asking him to go to a counselling session.

What else is there left to do to make him understand how much this is ruining her life right now? Nothing - apart from blowing your top. And telling him you're ready to walk out.

This sounds like an addiction. It's far more than a hobby that has gradually encroached into family life. If it was just the latter, he would be willing to listen and do something about it. But it sounds like is not. He is valuing his game more than his family and his relationship.

So let him have the sodding game.

Littleen · 14/09/2015 11:21

My other half was like this for months and months, I was with one foot out of the door practically. Then he suddenly stopped? He's a much better partner and dad now! But I don't know what made him stop, so I have no advice, other than it might get better :)

Scarydinosaurs · 14/09/2015 11:23

I think it might be better to deal with each thing as it arises, I know it then feels like 'nagging' but at least it isn't boiling up and then erupting.

Do you have a monitor for your daughter? Do you have friends near by? Is going out every night for a week an option and leaving him with the monitor and you go out and have dinner out each night? He needs a taste of the isolation you're experiencing.