AIBU about the fucking computer game?

[DisappointedOne]

DH is working from home at the moment. A year or so ago he started playing a game on the PS3 a couple of evenings a week. It was fine, although I don't really "get" the appeal and I asked that he not play it when DD was around as it's not suitable.

Over the last 2-3 months it's progressed to playing in a team online, and there's some major deadline to complete something in the next couple of weeks. Initially he was running planned sessions past me before agreeing to them. Now he's just going ahead and doing it, and it's every night. Through the summer it would start at 10pm (with him "warming up" from about 9pm) and finish somewhere between 1am and 2am. Tonight it was starting at 8pm, so he turned the thing on at about 7pm (and hasn't moved since).

Now, I get that he feels isolated working from home. And I don't object to him playing occasionally, but this is getting on my nerves now. I end up in another room (can't talk or make noise or walk in front of him when he's gaming as whoever is on his headset can hear me and it's too distracting) watching TV on my iPad. He comes to bed long after I'm asleep and leaves me to sort DD out in the morning (the late nights means he's getting up at 9:30am-ish to start work at 10am).

I've tried explaining it calmly, I've tried shouting, I've gone on strike, I've done everything but cut the plug off the fucking thing and bounce his head off the wall. What am I doing wrong here?!

That sounds like a nightmare!

DH and I both play games (either together or separately) but it isn't an obsession for either of us, which really sounds like is the case with your DH. My DH will sometimes stay up late playing, after I've gone to bed, but he still gets up at the same time every day and does what needs doing.
I would be sorely pissed off in your position.
Why can't he limit it to X (3 or 4 would be more than enough, surely?) nights a week, that doesn't seem unreasonable does it?

Aside from that, I don't think you can dictate to an adult how they spend their free time. It's a pretty harmless hobby at the end of the day

It's a hobby that sees his wife of 11 years in another room night after night. A wife that's not putting up with it anymore. If that's the life he wants he can fuck off elsewhere and have it.

It's a hobby that sees his wife of 11 years in another room night after night. A wife that's not putting up with it anymore. If that's the life he wants he can fuck off elsewhere and have it.

She chooses to go into another room, tbf. He doesn't kick her out.

I get Destiny is a game that requires some online co-op play but playing for hours at a time isn't necessary and using a headset also isn't necessary all the time.

Online gaming is a frustrating hobby in that it relies on other people to be "present" to complete certain tasks and you can't complete the game on your own. But I think that both parties could compromise here - there's no reason why the DH can't still play and the OP be happy as well.

OP, would your DH compromise and do the tasks that require chat/a headset after you go to bed, for example? Or you could alternate nights? So one night he gets to game and the other you watch TV?

DisappointedOne - are you therefore prepared to give him an ultimatum and make it absolutely clear that your marriage is over if he doesn't reduce the amount of time he spends gaming?

She chooses to go into another room, tbf. He doesn't kick her out.

He rants and raves if I make a single noise. The room is 24ft long but apparently I "breathe too loudly".

I have no interest in watching or hearing the stupid game for the entire evening night after night. So no, I don't really have much of a choice.

From what I understand he joins other players at set times that they decide. If they're not prepared to wait until later then he won't be able to play.

Wow, really? Okay, you didn't mention that (or I overlooked it)!

That's shitty behaviour then and no way would I tolerate that. DP doesn't even go on headset if I'm in the room because it's anti-social. He plays with friends when I'm at work (we each have a day off where the other works) or when I'm out/in bed.

Would you have the balls to just go and pull the plug? Ask him what's more important, a video game or his wife and child.

Tough luck then. He obviously fails to understand that it's JUST A GAME and the world won't implode if a certain mission isn't done at a certain time.

There are bits on Destiny where you need X number of players to complete missions, BUT there are always people online, so if you can't be on at say, 8pm there will always be people on later, just maybe not the people he wants to play with.

Sounds like he needs to grow up.

He also works in the living room, despite there being a purpose built office on the property. So the living room is out of bounds from 10am - 6pm during the week. Him taking it over every night is pretty selfish IMO. I'm not having it.

I'm a destiny widow too.

Not getting into bed until 2-3am and then the next day walking on egg shells because he is so tired.
Spending every evening in the bedroom alone because I can't face hearing clicky clicky clicky all bloody night.

Perhaps we should just leave them to it and go to the movies/pub!

Been there, done that with DH. It is very easy to become addicted to persistent universe games. Your character is fully developed and customised to you, the game is always waiting for you, you are interacting with other people and make commitments to them, there is no end to the game.

Can you approach this another way? Join him, see if you enjoy the game and then set some limits so that you play together for some nights then do something else on other nights. Or join in and ruin it for him, that's what I did!

Leaving you with all the early morning childcare is very unfair as well. If he wants to play into the early hours it's his problem, he still has to wake up the next day for your DD.

It seems like it's an addiction, rather than social playing - a bit like social drinking compared to alcoholism. Yes, I know that is putting it strongly, but it is affecting his family life, impacting on his sleep, and probably his work.
I also play a different online game, also in a guild, but limit my time in there. One of our players recently left, as he realised he was affecting his family life. We were sad for us to see him go, but applauded his reasons, and said he was doing the right thing.
I think you do need a showdown, sadly, as he seems to be regressing into a mardy teenager.

I would tear him a new one if my DH ranted and raved at me making noise when he plays Destiny! And he plays it most nights.

I wouldn't pull the plug or cut it off, I'm a gamer too so I get it. But copping an attitude is not on. Disengaging from family life is not on.

He needs to give you the same consideration he gives his online friends, although how you get him to do that I don't know.

He needs to get that bloody games console out of the living room. Where do you go when he is on it?

And if he has an Office to work in then take back your living room now.

I would lose it majorly too. YANBU.

DP games, and every now and again a new game fucking Fallout comes out and he does play it every evening. I used to game when I had time so I do get how its very absorbing and you lose track of time. Luckily the computer is in the spare room so I don't have to see or hear him...

However in your case I would be laying it out, very calmly and clearly, that this is just not on. It is too much. He is taking over the family living room all day, every day. He is not interacting with his wife, and by the sounds of it, his child.

If this has been going on for a while I would honestly be tempted to lay down some sort of serious ultimatum. Gaming is a hobby like everything else. Even if he was out playing a team sport this much, it would still be too much.

How do you think he would respond if you laid some ground rules?

What do you think would be the thing that makes him understand how much this is affecting you?

To me, the issue is - if he doesn't change, how long can you honestly put up with this?

Ask him what's more important, a video game or his wife and child.

This - because if I was in your position, I'd only be an inch away from telling him to shove it.

He's a grown up. It's time he started acting like one, not a teenager.

Op, your story sounds very familiar.

Unfortunately ExH was also a gamer, I was too to a degree so initially I didnt have a problem with this. However, just like Dani, it escalated to the point where I was treated like a slave while he wasted his life away in front of the computer and neglected me and the DC's.

It isn't a life, for any of you. As sad as it is I think you need to give him an ultimatum.

It really doesn't matter whether it's gaming, football, reading, fishing, whatever. It's a question of priorities. Hobbies are supposed to be done in your spare time, that means you fit a bit of gaming in around your work and family life not the other way around. If he's not pulling his weight around the house and he's not spending time with you as a couple or with the DC then he's expecting family life to revolve around his hobby which is selfish and not how it should work.

^^ This, this, this, a thousand times this.

He can fuck right off frankly. I'm a gamer (am gaming in between mnetting right now ) and like any other hobby/past time it happens in between real life, when I've done what I need to do. Work & family first, hobbies later.

Agree entirely with Yorkshapudding and Cassie above. When any hobby causes the problems you are having with your DP then it's a problem that needs to be acted on. That level of gaming and antisocial behaviour starts to look like an addiction.

I'm saying that looking at the drop screen for Taken King hanging at 89%. It's why I'm on MN. We bought a 2nd xbox and now have one each.

I once smashed dh's Xbox. A proper over the head onto the floor as hard as possible smash it was too!

I felt no guilt whatsoever because he was leaving me, who has fibromyalgia, joint hypermobility and sciatica, to look after a newborn and 2yo all day and all night for weeks while he hid upstairs playing games.

He never did that again!

He takes over the living room in the day time and in the evening and rants and raves at you if you breathe too loudly.

First things first, you say you have tried everything. No you haven't. Your trump card is right there with the toddler tantrum ranting and raving. Make noise. Make lots of noise. If he has the bloody cheek to object tell the cheeker fucker to fuck off elsewhere because you would like to do some living in the living room and if he continues with this behaviour he'll not be living with you for much longer. Loudly. So everyone else can hear. Yes they should hear. And yes he should be embarrassed. And yes it should disrupt his game.

Does he rant and rave about other selfish shit too?

I divorced the gaming addicted ex after while I was at work DS escaped and spent 3hrs with the neighbour. Unnoticed.

Destiny especially is very addictive. Foot down with a firm hand now! Good luck.

Oh I really like Ketchup's suggestion. Do that OP - lots and lots of noise. Telly on, phone call on speaker, while bouncing a tennis ball!!