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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about the fucking computer game?

104 replies

DisappointedOne · 08/09/2015 00:17

DH is working from home at the moment. A year or so ago he started playing a game on the PS3 a couple of evenings a week. It was fine, although I don't really "get" the appeal and I asked that he not play it when DD was around as it's not suitable.

Over the last 2-3 months it's progressed to playing in a team online, and there's some major deadline to complete something in the next couple of weeks. Initially he was running planned sessions past me before agreeing to them. Now he's just going ahead and doing it, and it's every night. Through the summer it would start at 10pm (with him "warming up" from about 9pm) and finish somewhere between 1am and 2am. Tonight it was starting at 8pm, so he turned the thing on at about 7pm (and hasn't moved since).

Now, I get that he feels isolated working from home. And I don't object to him playing occasionally, but this is getting on my nerves now. I end up in another room (can't talk or make noise or walk in front of him when he's gaming as whoever is on his headset can hear me and it's too distracting) watching TV on my iPad. He comes to bed long after I'm asleep and leaves me to sort DD out in the morning (the late nights means he's getting up at 9:30am-ish to start work at 10am).

I've tried explaining it calmly, I've tried shouting, I've gone on strike, I've done everything but cut the plug off the fucking thing and bounce his head off the wall. What am I doing wrong here?!

OP posts:
SoapyBubblez · 09/09/2015 01:14

I'm a huge destiny fan and knew exactly what you were talking about here! My boyfriend and I love gaming and share the xbox when DD is in bed.
I've told him that he's buying me TTK DLC.

Wink
MackerelOfFact · 09/09/2015 07:55

Are you around during the day? If he 'games' (hate that word, game is a noun not a verb) and works in the living room rather than his office, are you sure he's not playing his computer games (that's better) during the day too? It sounds like an addiction so I wouldn't be surprised.

MiaowTheCat · 09/09/2015 08:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Osmiornica · 09/09/2015 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoboticSealpup · 09/09/2015 09:20

My ex did the same thing with World of Warcraft. It was like being in a relationship with a drug addict. By the end, he hardly even looked up from his screen when I got home from work, and I usually had dinner alone, looking at the back of his fucking head, (Because his PC was against the wall) and went to bed alone while he sat up all night, wasting his life chasing goblins or whatever in his ridiculous fantasy world. He didn't have anything to say when he wasn't playing either, because he spent all his waking time on the game and had pretty much lost interest in real life.

Luckily for me, we were in our early twenties, and didn't have kids. So I left him to sit there in his dirty underwear, feeding his brain with instant gratification all day like an overgrown child with particularly poor impulse control. So pathetic.

Sinkingships · 09/09/2015 09:26

Robotic, I know exactly what you mean. I spent 99% of my time at home alone and he would never leave the house so we didn't go out anywhere I felt like a single parent because even though he was physically present he didn't contribute anything to our lives. Only difference is we had DC's.

I used to joke that if I told him I was leaving and taking the kids that he'd say 'hang on, I'm in a raid' and not look up from the computer, it stopped being funny when I realised it was true.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/09/2015 23:56

So, we had "the discussion" last night. I told him the effect his gaming was having etc. he said that he'd finished the mission he'd been working on and was going to be able to take a break for a bit. He just needed to download the update (which he did overnight). We sat and binge watched a few episodes of a series we'd recorded, had dinner etc. I fell asleep on the sofa. It was just as I wanted.

Tonight I got home with DD and he was on the game "picking up tools". I reminded him that he'd agreed to take a break from it and he switched it off. I've just gone to make DD's lunch for tomorrow, gone back in the living room and guess what: game on, headset on. Angry. Guess I'll be having words again tomorrow night. Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 09/09/2015 23:57

He definitely isn't playing it during the daytime, BTW. He's very committed to his work.

OP posts:
MaddyinaPaddy · 10/09/2015 00:12

My adult dS is I suspect addicted to an online game called DOTA.he is a student and this year his grades have slipped to 2:1 because he spends so much time on it.he house shares with friends who are similar. Over 2.5 years he has clocked up 3000 hours of play. He is clinically underweight because he forgets to eat :-(

RoboticSealpup · 10/09/2015 10:25

he said that he'd finished the mission he'd been working on and was going to be able to take a break for a bit

It's just like being married to a world-leading military strategist! Always busy with something more important than his family. Except he's just playing with a toy

BreakingDad77 · 10/09/2015 11:25

I must admit to being DOTA2 fan, the game is complex and each session will be atleast 30-40 mins. All you can do is remind him is that you can play the game at anytime, you cant redo your year.

Guys generally do get sucked into games at university have known people spending hrs and hrs on call of duty/WoW/HALO etc. Have even heard stories of people taking pride for getting into the top ten of players vs study.

Thing is tho gaming is broader than it ever was, and its unfair to label all gaming as childish pastimes, we just had the DOTA2 world finals a couple of weeks ago and the winning team won ??6 million dollars down to 15th winning $55,000.

SonjasSister · 10/09/2015 12:22

Lol at that, BreakingDad. The winning team won all that cash - but there will have been an awful lot of - ah - losers, too!

Unless of course it realy is a good way of earning a living, in which case, do it during work hours Wink

MaddyinaPaddy · 10/09/2015 13:09

6 million dollars!! Right, I'll leave him to it then Smile

RoboticSealpup · 10/09/2015 13:24

BreakingDad it's childish to neglect your real life relationships and responsibilities, preferring instead to spend time on a very time-consuming hobby.

sproketmx · 10/09/2015 13:44

Gamers in this house retreat to their bedrooms. If you want to act like a teenager you can live like one too..... in your bedroom..... with the door shut..... and headphones on. Grin make him go to another room. You sit with Wine and have your own time, get some friends round, Chris hemsworth on tv, leave him to his toys.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 10/09/2015 13:51

The only other television is in our bedroom, and DD's bed is on the other side of it, otherwise there's no way he'd be in the living room!

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 10/09/2015 13:58

You might want to move things around a bit so he can sit by himself and you can be by yourself without disturbing each other.

The risk is that he will take this as a cue to retreat even further into his own little world and you won't see each other at all.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 10/09/2015 14:00

The update is due for official release in a week and it's HUGE. I would not believe him when he says he'll take a break because there's no way he'll be able to hold off playing the new expansion.

Destiny is designed to be addictive - you have to be online at certain times to do certain missions, you need to be in groups to get certain prizes and you can't complete the game without buying certain expansions or weapons within the game.

However, you CAN play it and have a game/life balance. My DP likes Destiny BUT he won't play without checking if there's anything I want to watch first (we just have one TV) and he often chooses to do other things instead. Your DH isn't taking your concerns seriously and I would be seriously re-considering my future with a man who would pick a video game over me and my child.

BreakingDad77 · 10/09/2015 14:02

Well obviously you shouldn't be putting this over quality time with your family. And in the op case it obviously is getting out of hand, he shouldn't be hogging the TV etc and its good that your chatting it through. Play shouldn't be interfering in other things Though to me game playing is no different to any other hobby e.g being a football fan, golfer etc

ollieplimsoles · 10/09/2015 14:06

Seen your update op, I can't believe his disrespect- back on the stupid game within 24 hours of your talk.

this also worries me:
he said that he'd finished the mission he'd been working on and was going to be able to take a break for a bit.

Ooh lucky you, his precious 'mission' is over so he can spend time with you again. He's talking about it like its actually something important, like an assignment at work or something and its causing him to work late...

me and DH both play games, we play Star Trek Online, not together but at the same time. I work from home and sometimes work very unsociable hours to finish a project, DH stays up with me playing games so I'm not alone in the office.

BoskyCat · 10/09/2015 14:14

It really doesn't matter if it's addictive, there's a deadline, blah-de-blah whatever. The point is he's helping himself to spare time and that means taking it from you.

Yes if he likes to spend his actual legitimate spare time gaming and it annoys you, that's a separate issue, a difference of taste.

But when you have a household and a child there is a hell of a lot of stuff that needs doing. Once you have allowed for whatever hours of work you both do, you get that stuff done in such a way that you both end up with a fair amount of spare time.

One person can't just start helping themselves to loads more and leave the other person to do the jobs, just because they fancy it. We all bloody fancy it, but we have responsibilities. he's effectively just stealing your spare time and sleep time. That would be a dealbreaker for me.

I'd be saying you work out a fair allocation of spare time and he pulls his weight with jobs and childcare, or he can move out.

BoskyCat · 10/09/2015 16:07

And I agree about the living room. Who the hell does he think he is? No one gets to take over a communal space and simply shove other people out with self-importance and aggression. Especially when there is another space for him!

So another condition would be that he removes all gaming stuff to his office and works in his office. Surely the living room is not just also for you, but for DD to watch TV/play in? The selfish dick!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 10/09/2015 16:45

I am still suitably outraged on your behalf OP. Him condescendingly agreeing to "take a break for a bit" really shows that he does not understand or agree that there is a real problem.

featherandblack · 10/09/2015 17:32

I couldn't live like this. It sounds horrendously isolating for the gamer and the gamer's family in real life, never mind the wonderful 'social' element for the person who is playing. I haven't heard of a sitting-down hobby that requires such a massive, constant investment of time. The hours seem ridiculous as well - who can stay up until 3am without running into trouble over work/childcare/relationship? This would be a deal breaker for me.

araiba · 10/09/2015 18:06

buy a tv and put it in the office, he can play and you can watch tv