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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

541 replies

ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 19:23

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

OP posts:
ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 17:21

It's absolutely nothing to do with spite. It's to do with "You stole X amount of money. In order to repay it, we must recoup X amount of money somehow, and that means selling stuff".

Unless you think the parent should sell her own stuff, and not her child's?

MaddyinaPaddy · 08/09/2015 17:25

MRSGENTLYBENEVOLENT emotional cruelty is as real as physical cruelty.

Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 17:26

Again a big thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply
We had a big talk while we walked to school and a few other issues have come to light
One of the girls she has fallen out with has been waiting at the school gates with another couple of girls and ridiculing and laughing at dd
I don't usually go into the school with her but I did today and lo and behold there they were
When I walked in they ran off
I have been to the teacher and explained what has been happening and she is to talk to both of them today
There has been other issues with this girl bullying that I have proof of so I want to nip it the bud
I am under on illusion that dd knew exactly what she was doing but I don't think she had a grasp on the total amount of money involved
She will be doing chords to work of some of the money and is not allowed out or on the computer
As I said before I take full responsibility for not being vigilant enough with the computer and those who pointed that out are right, lesson learned
She is well a aware of my disappointment and upset and I think is more upset about that than the actual deed
Thanks again for the support and I apologise if anyone is upset over the bit of a bunfight that has ensued!

OP posts:
iwasyoungonce · 08/09/2015 17:26

OP - was this on a credit card or debit card? It makes a difference as to whether the bank will refund you or not.

Dancergirl · 08/09/2015 17:27

It's absolutely nothing to do with spite. It's to do with "You stole X amount of money. In order to repay it, we must recoup X amount of money somehow, and that means selling stuff"

So suppose that 'stuff' only sold for peanuts?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 08/09/2015 17:27

MaddyinaPaddy, yes I am aware of that, thank you Hmm. A child understanding the hurt they have caused a parentparent by stealing from them, is not emotional abuse.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/09/2015 17:30

Just a short thought - OP, as well as learning about theft and trust and so on, this is also an opportunity to learn about controlling and protecting oneself against the addictive nature of online games. People many times your daughter's age waste far more money (that they don't necessarily have) on World of Warcraft, Second Life, online gambling and so on, and often fall into powerfully seductive internet relationships as well - definitely something to think about given that she's approaching the age where people online may try to groom her.

MaddyinaPaddy · 08/09/2015 17:31

sorry MGB I think I am getting confused with who said what!
I meant selling a child's loved posessions was emotionally abusive!

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 08/09/2015 17:31

Sorry, ovary, I'm glad you are finding a good way to deal with this and ultimately only hope that you and your daughter learn and move on from this. Very likely soon enough it will just be 'that incident'. Hope any teasing gets nipped in the bud, school is such a difficult place to be at times.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 08/09/2015 17:35

No, Maddy, you're quite wrong. Selling toys because you are a spiteful person, is emotionally abusive. Doing it so a child understands the gravity of stealing a large amount of money is not ea. It's harsh, and probably more of a last resort, but not abuse.

Gruntfuttock · 08/09/2015 17:35

OP, I have read all your posts and at no point have you said that your daughter has apologised. Has she? If so, is she sorry that she did it, or just that she was caught. Also, have you contacted the company to which the money was paid yet?
Btw, putting the dolls in the attic is no punishment at all, imo, it's just moving them.

Chanel45 · 08/09/2015 17:38

I've only read the first 2 pages of this thread but I'm happy to read above that it has become obvious that these other girls are a big part of all this as that seemed glaringly obvious to me at the start.

Yes your DD did a stupid thing re credit cards but she was trying to impress these other girls etc. Bullying is such a sensitive issue and 10 is so young to be drawn into this, it's very sad for her and your bank account.

Do not underestimate the fear that bullies can cause making you do the most stupid things.

Right now she needs you more than ever and it's good to see you are there for her.

IMHO you seem to have dealt with this situation really well although I have yet to read the whole thread.

Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 17:39

It was a debit card used
Bank have already said they won't refund any money
Just for clarification, I am not selling the dolls even though they are still sitting in the carrier bags I swept them into last night in a rage!

OP posts:
InimitableJeeves · 08/09/2015 17:39

My DD has always saved every penny she's been given so even at 10 would have had the money to repay

Sorry, I know this was posted some time ago by Lobster and it's not directly relevant to the thread, but - seriously? She's nearly 18 and she's never bought anyone a present?

Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 17:42

And yes she has apologised

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 08/09/2015 17:42

mrsg there are other ways of achieving that aim - i.e. to make them understand how wrong it was. That's what I don't understand about this thread - to be so inflexible to say that selling the dolls is the ONLY way to deal with this situation.

Chanel45 · 08/09/2015 17:45

Also OP do you genuinely think she would have done this if these other girls weren't around.

the answer to this could have a bearing on your punishment and takling the situation, ie instilling the confidence for her to do the right thing ie not spend your credit card through fear.

Chanel45 · 08/09/2015 17:47

Sorry *debit card

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 17:48

That's hilarious- KissingFish you accuse me of misquoting you and ironically you've just misquoted me. Calling on your little pal Ceys03 to mock me over my lack of 'comprehension'.

Ceys03, you're right, I am finding it difficult to comprehend your limited ideas as they are frankly, incomprehensible!

Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 17:49

Everyone's situation and child are different
There is no one size fits all approach to parenting or discipline and the best you can do is make a considered decision at the time
Rightly or wrongly I feel that I have handled it fairly and hope we can move on

OP posts:
Frequency · 08/09/2015 17:51

OP, it's off topic but are you aware of the bad rep Moviestar Planet has/had for not monitoring chat, users using sexualised language to other users and the fact the your character is encouraged to dress in skimpy outfits and find a boyfriend?

Chanel45 · 08/09/2015 17:53

Delighted you are not selling her dolls, do not let these girls turn you against your own DD. The fact that you wanted to sell her dolls indicates in itself that she is still a little girl who plays with toys, who needs a big hug from her DM more than ever right now.

InimitableJeeves · 08/09/2015 18:09

For those who are keen on the strict letter of the law and this being a crime: you do realise that the dolls belong to OP's dd, don't you? And that taking someone's possessions with the intention to deprive them permanently of those possessions is theft? What sort of lesson would OP be teaching her child if she punishes theft with theft?

It is infinitely more sensible to punish her by no computer time and making her do chores, which is of course what OP is doing.

Original poster
ovaryhill · 08/09/2015 18:14

I am aware of that now frequency and her account has been deleted

OP posts:
Sansoora · 08/09/2015 18:17

She is well a aware of my disappointment and upset and I think is more upset about that than the actual deed

Yes. Thats what will hit home.

You've handled it really well and its good other things have no come to light. The two pals were suspect from the time of your OP.

Here's hoping she'll find new friends.