To be fed up of pretentious product names?

[ThomasRichard]

I wanted bag of crisps from a vending machine - 30 second job. I had to read an absolute essay on one packet just to find out which flavour it was: 'chicken soups saves the day'

I just want crisps/paint/pudding/ with labels that tell me what they are rather than leaving it to my imagination.

'Elephant fart' is not a colour.
'Chicken soup saves the day' is not a flavour.
'Gu-zillionaire' is not a dessert.

Am I just a grump?

I always think they should add ' blather belch perve shout vom' but for some reason they never do

LOL - you forgot fart and scratch arse/balls

boris A friend told me once about the menu card on a business class flight; it included scones and jam, under which was written 'A subtle combination of scones and jam'.

Apparently Costa has sandwiches made (probably 'crafted' come to think about it) by skilled sandwich makers. Makes me wonder what a sandwich made by an unskilled sandwich maker might look like...

cardi It would look like this

DON'T FALL PREY TO COWBOY SANDWICH MAKERS. GET A PROFESSIONAL.

On another topic, surely women's cosmetics are the original purveyors of wanky marketing bollocks? Mascara adverts seem particularly prone to this, going on about 'Ultra 1000% lash lengthening extendo-filament EXTREME' and crap like that, when in fact the product itself just makes you look like you've smeared jam round your eyelids and walked through a swarm of flies.

Hahaha! I can already see this thread becoming a classic

I blame M&S - "This isn't just a prawn ring. This is a freshly hand-caught catch of the most succulent, sexually-tantalising prawns, ethically sourced from the depths of the Bognor Regis coastline, teasingly undressed of their seductive shells and arranged in a puckered-anus-shaped presentation wheel, accompanied by a sensual dollop of Marie-Rose saucy-sauce."

Sorry, but you're not on trend - it's passionately hand-crafted by skilled artisan sandwich makers (on an industrial estate in Runcorn).

I don't want the sandwich-makers of Runcorn doing anything passionate near my lunch

I think you overplayed your hand with the "anus" in that description, Slade - otherwise it was spot on. You might have got away with "puckered starfish", mind.

I love all of these. I've found my anti-ponce spiritual family :o

Just to clarify, I didn't actually buy the poncy crisps I got beef Hula Hoops instead but I m curious to know whether they do indeed taste like straight chicken. Anyone know?

Yes. 'Free-range West Country Purple-Bumlegs Corn-Fed Chicken and Organic Baby Thyme' flavour crisps, lovingly hand-crafted by artisan crisp-makers in Runcorn taste just like any other chicken flavour crisps.

ThomasRichard - you'd never get "straight" chicken. "Bi-curious," or "Pansexual," is more likely

Though to be perfectly fair, once you've Slurp Sip Chat Gossip Relax Chat Glug Fart Belch Perve Vommed your way through several ginormous glasses of Jacob's Organic Special Vintage Chardonnay Arse Crack Paintstripper you are unlikely to be able to tell the difference anyway.

DH and I took "Boswellox" (used to feature in a skincare product TV ad) to our bosom and use it nowadays to denote marketing puff and flummery generally.

Arti-fucking-san.
One day I will see artisan prepared Jenga chips with a lovingly prepared salted caramel dipping sauce.
I also blame New Labour for everything and jamie fecking Oliver. (Sorry Jamie's missus)

Sandwich makers in Subway are 'sandwich artists'.

They had better not start trying to paint my sandwich!

Alright, alright. I'm starting to feel sorry for the poor old straight chicken now. Even Walkers call it Roast Chicken.

I'm going to buy a bag tomorrow and see. They had better taste like Campbell's.

And what the heck is Boswellox?!

I bought a turkey & cranberry sandwich in Jamie's deli once: it was two sad-looking strips of turkey and a smudge of cranberry stuff on white Hovis bread. I even had to ask the two 'assistants' for a bag

Sandwich Artist, my arse.

I'll show them some "sandwich art" - how about I blend up a BLT in a food processor, then thwack it up the wall, Jackson Pollock style?

I use bosswellox as a swear word. How the hell did they even get that through marketing?

DTB uses penta - peptides as a swear word. It was fucking moisturising cream. His parrot used to shout CUNTA-CUNTIDES regularly pissing myself @the sexual anal prawn ring

And what the heck is Boswellox?!

It was a some snake oil magic ingredient in some moisturiser a few years ago.

It seems the correct spelling is boswelox - L'Oreal got a pasting for fibbingover-claiming in those adverts.

Don't get me started on Artisan. There is an Artisan Wedding fair being advertised locally. What does that even mean? The other one that pisses me off is bespoke!

Artisan Wedding fair

bespoke
bespoke actually has a meaning, measured and designed just for you.
So if they mean that they are using it correctly.
I have a bespoke kitchen for example (bloody ancient house nothing else would fit properly).

I use m&s as an insult in describing things, "i just want a cheese sandwich not a poncy m&s bollocks sandwich".