To be fed up of pretentious product names?

[ThomasRichard]

I wanted bag of crisps from a vending machine - 30 second job. I had to read an absolute essay on one packet just to find out which flavour it was: 'chicken soups saves the day'

I just want crisps/paint/pudding/ with labels that tell me what they are rather than leaving it to my imagination.

'Elephant fart' is not a colour.
'Chicken soup saves the day' is not a flavour.
'Gu-zillionaire' is not a dessert.

Am I just a grump?

"Indulge your senses with angels' menses."

SaucyJack
"Total relaxation thanks to holy menstruation..."

Another thing somewhat related...really stupid slogans on clothing that annoys me and the slogans are often pretentious!

"Indulge your senses with angels' menses." "Total relaxation thanks to holy menstruation..."

OMG I am dying here!!!!!

YANBU.

I blame Innocent Smoothies for starting the chummy packaging fad.

Can I add to the list of pointless ponciness foodstuffs that are served in/on things that aren't proper plates? Bits of stone, chopping boards, jam jars, that sort of bollocks. What's wrong with a plate?

Fucking chips served on a chopping board separate from my fish in a gastro pub once. I craved a bath in angels menses after that stupidity.

Or when the chips come in a little metal bucket, with a random bit of greasy paper in there too. When you salt them it just falls off onto the bottom of the tiny bucket, and there's nowhere to put your ketchup which then ends up making your chips soggy.

Fucking cunts.

On the subject of stupid crisp flavours, I would also like to harrumph about the ones that add pointless adjectives in order to give the impression of extra wankiness.

Sea Salt and Organic Cider Vinegar? Er they just taste like salt and vinegar to me. West Country Cheddar and Wild Chive? Nope, that's cheese and onion mate.

Stop it

It's like the Burger King radio advert for chicken fries

"Chicken with the courage to be fries"

It gives me the absolute rage, one day I will storm my local Burger King and toss all their cardboard crowns in rage!!

Cabbage if you throw crowns they just call you a fucking mental bitch and phone the police and you have to run away.

OTheHugeManatee

If you do Twitter, you might enjoy this

[https://twitter.com/WeWantPlates?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor]

Curses -

twitter.com/WeWantPlates

Don't get me started on "hand-cooked crisps."

Honestly, what the chuffing hell is "hand" cooked, because all I can visualise is some poor sod in the Kettle Chip factory grabbing a handful of raw potato, and plunging their fist into a vat of boiling, spitting vegetable oil. Its a gruesome thought

Can I just mention the kids salads in Jamie's Italian? In little jars. Whyyyyyy?

Gourmet crisps. Open the bag to find.....just fucking crisps. Couldn't pick them out in a line up but they're gourmet.

The fad for chopping boards has already been done on MN. I can assure you that you are amongst your people here. The rage was palpable.

Haha we had crisps the other day which where labelled 'smoked Wiltshire ham" - err yes that will be bacon flavoured then!

I hate the restaurant serving stuff too - i send back all my meals with a request that it is served on a plate grrrrrr

Also, yes this raffles ma doughnuts hugely, extra healthy low calorie meal. Ok. So you open it. Turns out it's an ordinary meal just fucking SMALLER. So yes I'm still hungry and not actually any healthier. And raging that I've wanked out 3 quid on LESS food than usual just because it says healthy on it!

Pan fried is another one that puzzles me...it's still fried darling...

Is pan fried as opposed to deep fat fryer fried?

Honestly, what the chuffing hell is "hand" cooked, because all I can visualise is some poor sod in the Kettle Chip factory grabbing a handful of raw potato, and plunging their fist into a vat of boiling, spitting vegetable oil.

DH says this every time too.
As it is I know someone who has been to the kettle chips factory and there are big open vats of fat frying the crisps. They are hoiked out by blokes with net things like at the chippy. I think that is the hand cooked bit.

For some reason the Waitrose names for things (you know the ones 'a pinch of blah blah' rather than just the name of it) give me irrational rage.

Not exactly the same, but my partner had a moment in town over a shop name. Twas a very hipster looking place called 'Footasylum', but with the 'syl' letters in reverse. Had a good rant about the stupid, unreadable lettering, and wtf was a bloody 'foot asylum' anyway, do you have to be mad to buy their shoes? Or do your feet have to be diagnosed with a mental health condition? 'Excuse me, my right foot thinks he's Napoleon, do you have anything to add height?'.

Feeling old and grumpy today .

MyGast - yes, hugely irritating. I know exactly how much of this spice I want to use, stop interfering

The instructions on Sainsburys fresh herbs irk me too. They basically amount to 'add this ingredient to food to make it taste a bit herby' only they try and make it sound wanky.

The other one that really grates my cheese is when a pub or cafe has writing all over the place saying 'slurp drink chat relax blah blah blah'. Like I'd not know what to do in a pub otherwise. I always think they should add ' blather belch perve shout vom' but for some reason they never do.

In some vague way I blame New Labour for all this bollocks. We never had instructions on pub walls for how to use pubs before Cool Britannia was a thing.

I remember Bill Bryson in a restaurant asking for a bread roll and a glass of tap water dressed up in the same wanky bollocks as the menu was written in. "Cool refreshing waster fresh from the local main served with carefully crafted cubes of ice in a roundel of glass", or something like that. Genius.