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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To rescind my acceptance of a Christmas invitation?

42 replies

PedantPending · 04/09/2015 20:48

My sister, who is fantastic, FaceTimed me 3 weeks ago and asked me if I would go to her place for Christmas. I said yes.
Some gin may have been involved on my side, but the invitation came from her and from my brother-in-law.
She has 3 grown-up children.
On reflection I am flattered to be invited, but I don't want to go. The last time I spent Christmas in the UK, I live in Europe, it was dreadful. No Carol Services, no decorations, no food, I raided my father's whisky bottle and found a tv carol service eventually and was then told off! Not by my lovely daddy, but by my mother.
Christmas used to be fun, but I would rather be at home at my house. Is that strange or am I being a party pooper?

OP posts:
Sansoora · 04/09/2015 20:50

Where do you go in the Uk that you cant find decorations, carol services, and food.

And is there anything wrong with you sorting things out so you can have a nice Christmas?

JeffsanArsehole · 04/09/2015 20:51

I don't understand Confused Your sister doesn't do Christmas at all?

There's no nice food, carols or decorations - has she gone Amish?

MairzyDoats · 04/09/2015 20:51

You are being a bit killjoy... Why don't you take the Christmas spirit with you if that's what you enjoy, instead of expecting it all to be laid on for you?

JeffsanArsehole · 04/09/2015 20:51

Or Jewish ?

MairzyDoats · 04/09/2015 20:52

(I do get what you mean though...some people don't really understand Christmas spirit)

BrendaandEddie · 04/09/2015 20:56

OP
stop being a nob

BrendaandEddie · 04/09/2015 20:57

imagine your sister died early

well i never visited her as she didnt go to a carol service

catch yourself on

EatDessertFirst · 04/09/2015 20:58

Sounds like gin is involved in your post as well.......

Bring your own booze if it matters that much! You can't go anywhere in the UK at Christmas without seeing Christmas Spirit.

Original poster
PedantPending · 04/09/2015 21:02

I don't like the UK.
Bit of past history and apologies for the drip feed here, but my husband died in early December some years ago. That year Christmas didn't exist. Since then the only time I have been in the UK was 2013 and our father was quite ill, in hospital. We were able to get him out for a big family Christmas lunch, but I found my mother very hard to deal with. This has left a very negative impression.
I suppose I could say to my sister that I would like to go to at least 1 carol service. I have already offered to do the cooking.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 04/09/2015 21:04

Why don't you invite them to yours, to all do Christmas your way?

DinosaursRoar · 04/09/2015 21:05

oh, so doesn't your sister and parents do christmas then? pretty much every church will have a few different carol services, some aimed for children, some aimed at adults, as well as christmas eve services (yes plural, our church has 3 on Christmas eve, there's several churches in our town as well). Where are they in the UK that doesn't have a parish church?!

Then decorations, in most of the UK, external ones are still seen as a bit tacky beyond a string of white lights - but that's slowly being replaced by "yes they are tacky, but tacky is fun" - but internal decorations are very much the norm. It's odd to go into a house that only has a tree anymore.

Food - again, most people I know spend the whole of the festive season eating and drinking, I certainly spend an additional couple of hundred over that week over normal weekly shop, that's about average I think too...

I guess it's not a UK thing, it's a 'your parents' thing - is your sister more "in control" of hosting now, would it be different, or does your sister view christmas in similar puritanical ways?

DinosaursRoar · 04/09/2015 21:07

Ah, x post, so it's your mum more than anything, would it be different with your sister hosting? You could ask her how she sees christmas being 'done' and what you could bring/contribute?

Original poster
PedantPending · 04/09/2015 21:12

My contribution would be my cooking skills.
Somehow I think sister and bil have got it into their heads that I am a lonely, old widow. They are both youngest children, it may never have occurred to them that people actually value peace and quiet.
I am fairly certain that our parents and our brother and family would not be in the equation.
I do have a little tree sometimes, just for me.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/09/2015 21:16

I don't think anyone should have to go somewhere they'll be bored/miserable for Xmas just because of family obligations.

It's hard tho. IME it's usually easier just to suck it up than to tell someone you'd rather not visit them.

supersop60 · 04/09/2015 21:21

You still haven't answered the question - don't your family 'do' Christmas?
If you have been invited 'for Christmas' what exactly have you been invited to?
Could you indulge me/us and explain what happens on the day?

Capewrath · 04/09/2015 21:24

Well, if you are the cook, you can do the shopping. And M&S/ Tesco do great Christmas puddings, cake, stollen, smoked salmon. Order in advance and get delivered on the day you arrive.

Look up the carol services on the Internet and insist. Find a carols round the tree charity singalong in aid of pedants and insist they attend. Take a small child to a pantomime or skating. Buy a jigsaw along with a couple of bottles of sherry ( evil combination) and order a copy of articulate to be delivered too. Take a dvd with you if White Christmas or Indiana Jones or Poirot it gone with the Wind or Lagaan or whatever and a bottle of Madeira to ring the changes. Insist on Boxing Day sales. Find a long walk with pubs at beginning and end where you can dump the APs.

By the time you go they will be knackered and hungover and either so grateful that they will transform their Christmases ever after or so wrung out you will never be invited again. Success either way.

SoupDragon · 04/09/2015 21:24

I do have a little tree sometimes, just for me.

So, you don't always bother with Christmas decorations and yet you complain that the last time you were in the UK there were no decorations etc? Confused

Original poster
PedantPending · 04/09/2015 21:37

Good point Soup, are you my mother? She was always the SoupDragon!
But read up post.
December is not a very happy time for me and I would not want to impose my "sadness" on anyone else.
I mean, husband kills himself on the 8th. Body taken away, funeral on 19th. Very jolly.

OP posts:
Original poster
PedantPending · 04/09/2015 21:39

I suppose I just don't want to have my life failures rammed down my throat.
No husband, no children, no life?

OP posts:
Original poster
PedantPending · 04/09/2015 21:45

but nobody has answered the original question.
Just goes to show!

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 04/09/2015 21:45

I see, so it's not the way your family celebrate Christmas, but that you don't want to celebrate christmas at all?

And you aren't in the UK now? could you perhaps then say that you can't afford to go at Christmas/white lie that someone needs to work boxing day and you'd rather volunteer than 'expect those with small children to do it' etc, then suggest you come over for New Year or in January when you "can get the time off" "can afford it" etc.

DinosaursRoar · 04/09/2015 21:47

oh so no, YANBU to decide on reflection, it'll be a lot of money and hassle to have a crap time, so find a good 'white lie' to avoid hurting your Dsis's feelings when you say you don't want to come over.

pippitysqueakity · 04/09/2015 21:49

If I'm reading this right Pedant, do you mean You don't do Christmas? Not the country or your family?
In which case, maybe just explain to your sister what you have told us?

PuntasticUsername · 04/09/2015 21:55

Bloody hell OP. I'm terribly sorry for your loss Flowers

amarmai · 04/09/2015 21:56

just opt out asap and give whatever reason you think will go down well.