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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To rescind my acceptance of a Christmas invitation?

42 replies

PedantPending · 04/09/2015 20:48

My sister, who is fantastic, FaceTimed me 3 weeks ago and asked me if I would go to her place for Christmas. I said yes.
Some gin may have been involved on my side, but the invitation came from her and from my brother-in-law.
She has 3 grown-up children.
On reflection I am flattered to be invited, but I don't want to go. The last time I spent Christmas in the UK, I live in Europe, it was dreadful. No Carol Services, no decorations, no food, I raided my father's whisky bottle and found a tv carol service eventually and was then told off! Not by my lovely daddy, but by my mother.
Christmas used to be fun, but I would rather be at home at my house. Is that strange or am I being a party pooper?

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/09/2015 22:02

If Christmas is a difficult time of year for you - and it definitely is for lots of people - then YANBU to spend it in whatever way makes it more bearable for you.

I think the small reasons you are giving for not wanting to go to your Sisters - no carol service, no decorations etc. aren't really the reason are they? I say this because they are things you can easily overcome. No-one in my family goes to a carol service either, but I always take myself off to midnight mass on Christmas Eve. Almost all churches have one. Decorations you could take or buy yourself. Likewise food and drink. I think that maybe you would be a bit mean to cancel on those grounds.

BUT, if you want to cancel because you can't face being in a family situation at Christmas time because of the feelings it brings or because you can't face Christmas in the UK then YANBU at all. But tell your sister the true reason why & tell her as soon as possible before she makes too many plans.

Capewrath · 04/09/2015 22:05

Pedant, v v sorry. Misinterpreted.

Yes, think you can backtrack. But if you don't, still do the things you want to do.

My DF died over Christmas when I was a teen and save when dc was small I have disliked it. But I do love carol services etc. I just need even more space than usual.

Bunnyjo · 04/09/2015 22:07

OP, I am so sorry for your loss and YANBU to rescind your acceptance.

There is nothing wrong with Christmases in UK, but for you they evoke some incredibly awful memories (such an understatement); your DH passing away and then your DF being very ill and in hospital. It is not surprising that you don't wish to spend your Christmas here.

I think you should be honest with your DSis, whom it sounds like you love dearly, and explain what you have said here

dobbythedoggy · 04/09/2015 22:10

I really don't think you'd be unreasonable to cancel. It's obviously not a happy time of year for you and you don't sound ready to attempt Christmas in the UK again. It sounds like your op focusing on what you didn't have last time is trying to give yourself an out. Christmas must be such a hard time for you, as you said it used to be fun, which it really can't be for you anymore. If you'd rather be at home that's where you should be.

spleenyone · 04/09/2015 22:13

After what you've been through you don't need to feel obliged to do anything that would make you feel unhappy at that time of year, or anytime for that matter. I am so sorry for your loss.

HerRoyalNotness · 04/09/2015 22:14

Could you go to this one with fresh eyes, looking to make some happier memories of that time of year than what you have now?

You say your sister is fantastic, talk to her about it. Tell her you would like the jolly, happy Christmas that you haven't been able to have lately, and tell her a list of things you'd like to do. Ask her if that is what she envisions as well. If it isn't, then go forth and do something different. Take yourself away to somewhere you've always wanted to go, have an adventure.

Change the feeling you have for December. Yes, there will always be some sadness, but maybe, you can start having some joy again too.

If you would rather be at home, of course do that.

QuartzUcan · 04/09/2015 22:15

Pedant you need to do what is best for you. You already sound very unhappy after a gin fest jolly face time call agreeing to attending the main Xmas celebrations.

Could you go after ( join the family near/ for new year) or is that just as difficult?

You need to sort this now rather than later ...

InimitableJeeves · 04/09/2015 22:17

I get it that your parents don't seem to do Christmas, but are you sure your sister doesn't? And, after all, you can take yourself to as many Carol Services as you can get to, you don't need their permission.

AlfAlf · 04/09/2015 22:24

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yanbu and I completely understand why you'd have mixed feelings about Christmas.
I'm sure she will understand it's a difficult time. Can you arrange an alternative time to visit your sister?

Canyouforgiveher · 04/09/2015 22:28

Of course you don't have to go if you don't want. Wait a week or so and see how you feel and then call your sister and tell her you've been thinking and you really don't want to travel at christmas and it would be much better for you to stay at home. Tell her you appreciate the invitation very much and she is a great sister but you are certain you need to stay home this year.

MelanieCheeks · 04/09/2015 22:44

What was the question you wanted answered-is it strange or are you a party pooper?

Well, everyone does Christmas differently. Sometimes from one year to the next. So your question is unanswerable. If you go to someone else for Christmas, well, it's not going to be 100% your way.

If I were you, I'd pick out 2 or 3 things that were really important to me ( in the great scheme of things, bearing in mind the world crises that are occurring) , and take charge of making them happen. After that, I'd relish the fact that I had relatives who wanted me to be part of their celebrations.

MidniteScribbler · 04/09/2015 22:55

There is nothing wrong with having a quiet Christmas. I love christmas itself (the tree with the lights, carols, etc), but I hate how it has become about expectations of spending the day driving from house to house to fit everyone in, and see people you may not get along with very well, buying lots of gifts that people will donate to the charity shop on boxing day. It doesn't need to be like that. Do whatever it is that you want to do, and stop worrying about what other people expect from you.

supersop60 · 05/09/2015 10:39

YANBU to spend Christmas in whatever way you want - if you do something just to please other people, you may end up feeling resentful. Just be honest with your sis, and tell her what you've told us.

daiseehope · 05/09/2015 13:01

Hi OP, sounds like you have a lovely sister. Tell her exactly how you feel, can you come up with a plan then together? Xxxxxx

Original poster

PedantPending · 22/11/2015 22:14

I booked the flight on Thursday.
I checked dates beforehand, arriving on 23rd, departing on 28th, she was fine with this, although "you will have to amuse yourself for a while"??? Knowing my sister this means I will be doing housework and ironing, which is OK.
Still not totally joyous, but who knows?

OP posts:

Ataraxy · 22/11/2015 22:19

Well amusing yourself could be a carol service or perhaps visiting a christmas fair or pantimime?

CocktailQueen · 22/11/2015 22:50

Very sorry for your loss.

If you have to amuse yourself, then perfect? Look up what's on where you're going. Do you fancy a pano, Christmas show or walk in botanic gardens? Find out what you'd like to do and arrange it so you have some time to you and some time with your family.

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