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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be RAGING at BIL?

86 replies

rageagainsttheBIL · 04/09/2015 10:32

NCed.

BIL (actually my DH's BIL) thought it would be really funny to teach my 2 year old to shout "you're gay!" at people. I was deeply unimpressed but ignored it and my DC didn't really repeat it.

Fast forward nearly 3 months, and we are visiting SIL and BIL and their children. BIL again teaches toddler to shout "You're gay!" in front of some friends and family. A few people snigger / shriek etc, DC thinks it is fun to get a reaction and repeats. DH and I shoot daggers at BIL but don't want to make a big deal of it in front of DC, we're about to get in the car and leave anyway.

We get home and in past few days DC has been randomly shouting it out even while playing alone - not frequently but have heard it a few times. DH and I are just ignoring it when DC says it and not reacting as think that is probably the best thing to do.

I'm sure it will all be history in a few weeks but I'm absolutely FUMING at BIL and massively want to give him a very angry piece of my mind, I'm struggling to let it go which is what I'd usually do to keep the peace when it comes to DH's family.

Am I BU and overreacting? Should I say something?

(For backstory, BIL is in his 40s, thinks he's hilarious, and thinks a lot of himself - he's v successful, wealthy, aggressive, thinks he's always right and will shout people down. He can be really charming, and sweet with DC when he wants to be. We don't see him v often, but DC and cousins are close and love playing together so keeping away from him not really an option)

OP posts:
Cherryblossomsinspring · 04/09/2015 10:41

I'd be absolutely furious and he (BIL) would have been stopped the very first moment he said that to my child. I actually would have stood up and left with the kids while telling him in no uncertain terms why. It's terrible that he is a disgusting homophones but to teach small children to be agressivly discriminatory is beyond the pale. Call him and tell him that if he continues to behave so disgustingly he will no longer be welcome around your family. WHY did your DH not step in immediately????

Cherryblossomsinspring · 04/09/2015 10:43

Honestly I'm sorry but you should be ashamed you let him do that. Would you let him put alcohol to their lips too? What were you thinking!

LadySheherazade · 04/09/2015 10:43

I would have said something. Or, if it was my DHs brother I would expect him to say something.

What a twat. YANBU to be annoyed but you are being unreasonable to not tell your child not to say it. You'd tell him not to say 'fuck off' of he picked it up somewhere I'm sure! Why would this be any different?

OwlinaTree · 04/09/2015 10:43

If he tries it again i would say something.

'Please don't teach my son to say that, it's offensive and rude.'

TheAnswerIsYes · 04/09/2015 10:45

You should have said something at the time and you should tell your child that it is not acceptable.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/09/2015 10:46

Oh my god, yanbu. How awful, especially for the poor innocent toddler. Give him a piece of your mind.

Flumplet · 04/09/2015 10:51

I would have put a stop to it then and there. There's no way I would tolerate that.

morecoffeethanhuman · 04/09/2015 10:52

I'd be fucking fuming! My girls don't think anything of my friends in same sex relationships as its normal for them, the idea that a toddler would be taught that as an insult is beyond me! And lets be fair op if that's shouted in public it will b u that's judged as ppl will assume its come from parents. I can understand not wanting confrontation but I really think you need to say something to ur BIL - otherwise it could escalate as they get older

AuntyMag10 · 04/09/2015 10:53

Sorry but its absolutely stupid of you and your dh sitting there silent while this is happening. Why haven't yourll stopped it the first time he did it. What is wrong with you two? Do you not think it's horrible and needs to stop asap?

patterkiller · 04/09/2015 10:56

Disgusting ignorant man. I'm sorry but I wouldn't let him around my dcs. It sounds like that is the tip of the iceberg and I'd be waiting for the next thing from him. And you both should of made a big deal of it to him at the time. Tosser

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 04/09/2015 10:57

I can't believe anyone is so drippy that they'd sit and do nothing except stare hard at someone doing what your BIL did.

BrideOfWankenstein · 04/09/2015 10:57

Your BIL is a twat.
I would scream the house down after first time he did this. And I wouldn't worry about DC seeing it, because that way DC would understand that it's not acceptable.

I would also text BIL "I've decided that until you've learned how not to be utter homophobic twat, you are not welcome around our DC."

QuiteLikely5 · 04/09/2015 10:58

It is illegal to use offensive language towards homosexuals.

That is all.

Original poster
rageagainsttheBIL · 04/09/2015 10:58

You're right that I should have said something more the first time, I think I made a passing comment like "that's really not funny" but didn't make a massive deal about it. Mainly because I didn't want to make a big deal in front of DC and also I know he would have probably attacked me in return.

DH has been brought up to keep the peace and not make a big deal, and he's not one for confrontation. The one time he had a go at BIL (not over a similar issue), BIL squared up to him like he was going to hit him, then when they "made up" lectured him at length about how he was right.

I thought the best advice if your child swears etc is to ignore it as if you tell them not to say it they might say it more? I also don't want my DC feeling they have done anything wrong or bad, it's not their fault.

We go to stay with the family quite a bit (they don't come to see us) so staying away from him isn't really a solution as lovely as it may be, as I can't keep my DC away from cousins and aunties.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 04/09/2015 10:59

You need to say something if this happens again. I can understand the fear of standing up to someone who is a bully, but it has happened twice now, so will happen again. I wonder if he is doing it to bait you both, and is getting a kick out of seeing you bite your tongue.

patterkiller · 04/09/2015 11:01

Yes ignore the child! Not the the fucking idiot adult who taught them it Confused

Original poster
rageagainsttheBIL · 04/09/2015 11:04

BIL would almost certainly argue it wasn't homophobic and try to twist it round on me. "What's wrong with being gay? Are you saying gay is an insult?" He'd shout me down and say I was making a massive deal out of nothing. So I think I need to put something in writing where he can't twist my words.

I remember I did actually say as getting in the car something along lines of, "how would you like it if I taught your children to say things like that?" His response was "they already know it all" with a laugh.

OP posts:
Cherryblossomsinspring · 04/09/2015 11:07

But it's not swearing OP! You obviously can't quite see what is so wrong here! Would you let them run around yelling the n word? Actually I would come down on my kids like a ton of bricks about this regardless if where they got the expression from, they also need to know it's wrong. Would you say 'it's not their fault' if they'd picked it up from some other 4yr old? I'd also be telling them that BIL said a bad thing and they are not allowed to repeat it and that they were to tell BIL it's bad if he ever says it again. Not their fault! OP, very little us a small child's fault but we still teach them right from wrong.

PoppyFleur · 04/09/2015 11:09

You should have addressed it with you BIL at the time. What he earns and what he believes his social standing is, is irrelevant. His views are disgraceful and you can calmly point out to him that you do not want your DC speaking in that way. Remember arrogance is born out of low self esteem.

morecoffeethanhuman · 04/09/2015 11:09

Shouting it is always going to be taken as an insult. U don't do around shouting ur straight either. If u think hell twist out of his blatant homophobia then go for the angle its totally unacceptable for children (and actually adults) to be commenting on any sexuality!

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 11:10

You can absolutely keep your kids away from such a deeply unpleasant article of a being!

As a bisexual woman I find your response weak and inexcusable.

Question: if he'd taught your child to go round saying you're a " 'n - word' " (i mean the word no longer used by caucasians as a reference to people of African descent) would you have said something then???? What about calling someone in a wheelchair a "spaz"???

This is just as offensive!

noiwontstoptalking · 04/09/2015 11:12

You say, 'that is an inappropriate thing to teach a child'

You say 'it is unacceptable behaviour in your part, don't do it again'

You say 'if you continue to behave this way we will have to leave ' (then leave)

Don't argue with him. It's your child. It doesn't matter whether he disagrees with your standards.

YOU. ARE. IN. CHARGE.

Perhaps a word with your SIL. " We love you and your DC and want to see you regularly but your husbands behaviour is making that difficult. Can you have a word please? "

It's not just your job to keep the cousins' relationship up - it's theirs too.

Birdsgottafly · 04/09/2015 11:14

You've got quite a few issues going on, all of them need addressing, or your child is going to witness your DH being bullied by his BIL and think that, that is how you get what you want.

You've got to be prepared to explain to your child that some people don't know how to behave properly and BIL is one of those.

It's inappropriate, but some people don't behave appropriately and should be ignored and pitied.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/09/2015 11:16

You know you should have said something to BIL, it is unacceptable, don't let it happen again! What if he goes to nursery/preschool and repeats it, it would be onto you!

featherandblack · 04/09/2015 11:17

No, you're not being unreasonable. I would be giving a stern ultimatum to BIL - your way or no access.