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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be RAGING at BIL?

86 replies

rageagainsttheBIL · 04/09/2015 10:32

NCed.

BIL (actually my DH's BIL) thought it would be really funny to teach my 2 year old to shout "you're gay!" at people. I was deeply unimpressed but ignored it and my DC didn't really repeat it.

Fast forward nearly 3 months, and we are visiting SIL and BIL and their children. BIL again teaches toddler to shout "You're gay!" in front of some friends and family. A few people snigger / shriek etc, DC thinks it is fun to get a reaction and repeats. DH and I shoot daggers at BIL but don't want to make a big deal of it in front of DC, we're about to get in the car and leave anyway.

We get home and in past few days DC has been randomly shouting it out even while playing alone - not frequently but have heard it a few times. DH and I are just ignoring it when DC says it and not reacting as think that is probably the best thing to do.

I'm sure it will all be history in a few weeks but I'm absolutely FUMING at BIL and massively want to give him a very angry piece of my mind, I'm struggling to let it go which is what I'd usually do to keep the peace when it comes to DH's family.

Am I BU and overreacting? Should I say something?

(For backstory, BIL is in his 40s, thinks he's hilarious, and thinks a lot of himself - he's v successful, wealthy, aggressive, thinks he's always right and will shout people down. He can be really charming, and sweet with DC when he wants to be. We don't see him v often, but DC and cousins are close and love playing together so keeping away from him not really an option)

OP posts:
Original poster
rageagainsttheBIL · 04/09/2015 11:18

Think I will send him a message. Thoughts?

"BIL

DC has been repeating "you're gay" since we got back. I am so disappointed that you again tried to teach a toddler to repeat what many people would think was a homophobic slur and annoyed that he's repeating it days later. I didn't think it was funny the first time, and I certainly don't now.

I wonder if you taught your own children to say this sort of thing when they were 2, or is that a special "privilege" you save for other people's kids?

I feel disappointed not only in you, but in myself for letting you do this a second time without pulling you up on it straight away and letting you think this sort of this is OK. It's not.

Most of all I feel sad for DC, that he might be thought less of or judged by others for saying something innocently.

Rage"

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 04/09/2015 11:19

as I can't keep my DC away from cousins and aunties
Err yes you can! Mine wouldn't associate with Neanderthal scum like that, family or not.

Rosa · 04/09/2015 11:19

Please do not teach my children to shout offensive comments..... SHort and sweet !

Gatehouse77 · 04/09/2015 11:20

If the child/ren are young I think ignoring it is the right response. Unless you think they could understand that it is being used as an insult and to be offensive, and not funny or amusing.

However, I couldn't have ignored it the second time and would have spoken up. Family or not. It's a disgusting attitude your BIL has and I wouldn't want my children exposed to it when, ultimately, you have control of this situation.

Bellebella · 04/09/2015 11:20

I find your excuses weak to be honest. As a parent it's your job to parent your child and stop him shouting offensive things.

You need to jump on to your ds every time he says it and also jump on to your bil when he tries to get your ds to say offensive things. Either stop him seeing bil or say something to bil as soon as he starts.

morecoffeethanhuman · 04/09/2015 11:22

Well ur a lot calmer and much more eloquent than me, my message would of contained the words selfish twat, disgusting language, shit roll model & how fucking dare you....but each to their own lol

Collaborate · 04/09/2015 11:22

Cherryblossomsinspring - I just love the autocorrect to homophones in your first post!

Have to say, that I agree with everything you've posted too. BiL must be pulled up on this.

Maybe you should light a fag and pass it to his kids?

And I would be distancing my family from his. I wouldn't want him influencing the kind of person a child of mine would become.

Seriouslyffs · 04/09/2015 11:22

^^ the letter is good but too long and you need to meek it explicit that he can't continue like this.
'Dont ever put me in the position of having to choose between standing up to you loudly and at length and walking out, taking my family with me.'

Gatehouse77 · 04/09/2015 11:23

Sorry, have just seen your response.

All good but I would scrap the second paragraph "I wonder..." as it's provocative and gives your BIL something other than the issue itself to defend.

RiverTam · 04/09/2015 11:24

'What many people'? But not you and your DH? Sorry, that's a bit feeble.
And yes, you can keep them away from bigots.

morecoffeethanhuman · 04/09/2015 11:26

On a separate note, in regards to ur toddler - I've found that meeting things like that with a sad face & saying something along the lines of "oh what a horrid thing to shout, it makes mummy awfully sad to hear my lovely girl saying things like that" I then walk away. I think they havnt got in trouble (as its not their fault) but they are aware that's its not nice ....and no1 wants to make mummy sad lol hth

coconutpie · 04/09/2015 11:30

Your message is weak. It needs to be short and to the point. He sounds like a rotten individual and I would not have stayed quiet just to keep the peace.

BIL, how dare you try to teach my DC homophobic slurs. You may be a disgusting homophobe but my DC are going to grow up respecting people whether they are straight / gay / etc. If you ever utter those words in front of my DC again, then we will be forced to cut contact with you as I will not have my DC exposed to someone like you.

BerylStreep · 04/09/2015 11:30

I would only send paragraph 1 & 3.

PineappleParty · 04/09/2015 11:33

Bil Re the other day and the homophobic slur you taught my child. it is completely wrong and if you do something like this again we will not be coming back.

Keep it short and to the point.

noiwontstoptalking · 04/09/2015 11:39

Pineapples is the best so far.

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 11:47

"BIL

DC has been repeating "you're gay" since we got back. I am so disgusted that you again tried to teach a toddler who has no idea of the meaning to repeat what is a homophobic slur and annoyed that he's repeating it days later. Bigotry is never amusing.

You have put my DC, in a position that he might be thought less of or judged by others for saying something he has no understanding of.

Do not do this again."

This is nearer to what you should be writing.

If it were me?

"Bil stop inflicting your nasty bigoted homophobic crap on my child!"

"And I would be distancing my family from his. I wouldn't want him influencing the kind of person a child of mine would become." Definitely your excuses regarding your child spending time with this 'person' are pathetic! Part of your role as a parent is to show your child how decent people behave when others are being discriminated against. Interesting you've not answered how you would have reacted if it were the "n-word" even though 2 of us asked. I suspect you would have instantly told bil that it absolutely wasn't on and dc that it is not how you speak to people. Same applies here.

TheCuriousOwl · 04/09/2015 11:48

Rarely do I post in AIBU but:

You need to stop waffling on.

People who tiptoe round a subject really enrage me.

Pineapple's words are spot on. You're not going to wheedle him into being a better, nicer person. He just needs to shut up.

MythicalKings · 04/09/2015 11:50

I agree with pineapple. I'd have been incandescent if anyone had taught my DCs this.

Original poster
rageagainsttheBIL · 04/09/2015 12:15

I know it's different from swearing. I do get it. I just want to find the quickest way to stop my DC from saying it so was applying the same principles. If I hear DC say it again I will have a gentle word (I've only heard it once myself since we got back, DH heard the other times). Thanks for the advice.

Sadly I think in BIL's eyes teaching them that is more acceptable than teaching them to say "fuck you".

Gatehouse good point about that para.

Although I am leaning towards getting DH to do it instead...

OP posts:
Original poster
rageagainsttheBIL · 04/09/2015 12:27

Good point about the n word, maybe I would have reacted differently. To be honest I thought I would have reacted differently to this situation though, but when it came to it I didn't make it clear how unacceptable it was.

Despite all of this I don't think BIL is homophobic.

OP posts:
Yamayo · 04/09/2015 12:41

If he isn't why the hell did he decide to teach your DC to say what he did?

TenForward82 · 04/09/2015 12:42

Personally I wouldn't wait until he says it again. What if he says it out of your earshot and someone belts him, or shouts at him and makes him cry?

Your BIL is a bully and he doesn't care what you think. He's playing with your DS and with you two, and you're letting him. No nonsense, firm approach is the best. And I wouldn't wait for your DH either, I doubt he'd do it since he doesn't like standing up to him.

It doesn't matter whether BIL is a homophobe or not. It's not an acceptable thing for a child to shout, end of story. You owe it to your child to tell him that.

And BIL has no respect for you so I wouldn't be allowing him to see DS, either.

Time to toughen up, OP. This is your child.

BerylStreep · 04/09/2015 12:45

Why does seeing your SIL and her DC have to involve seeing him?

TBH I would give him a wide berth

InimitableJeeves · 04/09/2015 12:51

If he comes back with the crap about "What's wrong with being gay? Are you saying gay is an insult?", point out that if that's what he genuinely believed he would also have been teaching your ds to shout "You're straight".

If he tries to make anything of it, it may also be pertinent to point out that it is well known that people who make a big thing of their homophobia are often in fact displaying insecurity about their own sexuality. Say in it a very caring way, telling him that you will accept him whether he's gay or straight.

onthematleavecountdown · 04/09/2015 12:57

Hmmmmn. Sounds like BiL may be trying to cover his own gay feelings by projecting them on to others. I would t have him near my child. He is acting like a prat.

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