To be RAGING at BIL?

[rageagainsttheBIL]

NCed.

BIL (actually my DH's BIL) thought it would be really funny to teach my 2 year old to shout "you're gay!" at people. I was deeply unimpressed but ignored it and my DC didn't really repeat it.

Fast forward nearly 3 months, and we are visiting SIL and BIL and their children. BIL again teaches toddler to shout "You're gay!" in front of some friends and family. A few people snigger / shriek etc, DC thinks it is fun to get a reaction and repeats. DH and I shoot daggers at BIL but don't want to make a big deal of it in front of DC, we're about to get in the car and leave anyway.

We get home and in past few days DC has been randomly shouting it out even while playing alone - not frequently but have heard it a few times. DH and I are just ignoring it when DC says it and not reacting as think that is probably the best thing to do.

I'm sure it will all be history in a few weeks but I'm absolutely FUMING at BIL and massively want to give him a very angry piece of my mind, I'm struggling to let it go which is what I'd usually do to keep the peace when it comes to DH's family.

Am I BU and overreacting? Should I say something?

(For backstory, BIL is in his 40s, thinks he's hilarious, and thinks a lot of himself - he's v successful, wealthy, aggressive, thinks he's always right and will shout people down. He can be really charming, and sweet with DC when he wants to be. We don't see him v often, but DC and cousins are close and love playing together so keeping away from him not really an option)

I agree with SeaMagic. It's not always as easy dealing with these things as mumsnet says it is. The OP is not in the wrong here but is being attacked. I don't agree that all the mnet keyboard warriors always deal with things as quickly, as easily and as confidently as they like to claim. Not everyone is confident and able to challenge issues like this easily and it can take time to feel strobg enough.

Op - you have had some good advice though and some distance and time to think through how you want to deal with it in the future and i think you will deal with it better if there is a next time. I think you will feel better once you do draw acfirm line with your BIL - just be short and precise. Don't let him draw you into a battle of words and play his game. No explaining or debating.

i agree that you and dh will get backlash. Now that you have described the mother/father power imbalance , i understand your dh's panic about missing the queen bee's 70th bday. This could be the perfect time to take a stand. You cannot change the forces of birth and your dh belongs at your side. Get to counselling asap and get that message out loud and clear. It's too much for you undertake this battle on your own. You need a supportive family counsellor who understands the dynamics at work here.

Can't speak for other mnetters but for myself I am exactly the same in real life as I am here. My family and friends would attest to my taking no nonsense and speaking up about bigotry but then perhaps that's my own upbringing as my parents marriage is a mixed one (religion) and they had a lot of bigoted crap so raised me and sis not to take it and to stand up for others too.

In terms of standing up to bullies of any ilk again I can only go on my own life experiences. Imho the best way to deal with them is being clear from the beginning you won't tolerate their nonsense. Mum isn't so good at this and is something of a people pleased but trying to please everyone at the same time is a recipe for disaster.

Bigotry aside we all have different opinions and should stand by them.

Agree the whole family dynamic here sounds massively unhealthy and op and dh would definitely benefit from counselling/assertiveness coaching.

The email is too meek. I wouldn't bother sending it - that kind of thing needs done face to face, with a public "you don't do that to our child, full stop."

You need to explain to your ds that it was really wrong of bil to teach him to say that, and that saying it it hurtful to others. Don't ignore it - by doing that you're condoning it. You don't need to tell him off, but you do need to explain that it's wrong.

Bil sounds like a total shit. You need to stand up to him, and if he shouts you down then you need to say something like " you know, as soon as you start shouting you've lost the argument, we are leaving now, think about your attitude." And then leave.

You do not need people like this in your life - don't fall for the blood is thicker than water crap - they treat you terribly, like some sort of poor relations. They have zero respect for you, or for your child or husband. You deserve better than this.

Your BIL is an utter idiot, and I'd be fuming if he taught mine to say that too. I wouldn't have let him, I'd have said I didn't think it's acceptable and I didn't want him teaching that, and if he'd have carried on or laughed we'd have left.
I wouldn't automatically think it as homophobic (even though it might have been meant that way) as apparently it can just mean the same as our generation says "sad" now.
Yes, I know
"Your choice of music is sad." "Your choice of music is gay."
Either way it was meant, there's no way he'd get the chance to teach it as I'd be telling him to shut up and grow up!

I would favour a shorter and more to the point text or email in response to this.

"If you can't do anything other than teach my child homophobic slurs then simply shut the fuck up in future or we won't be seeing you at all".

Short and to the point. If you are waffly then your point is weakened and lost.

As for ignoring your DS when he is saying this, stop doing that as it clearly isn't having the desired effect this time. He needs you to tell him firmly that this is unacceptable, that he mustn't repeat it, that BIL was totally wrong to have taught it to him. He needs you to do this before he disastrously utters it to some random stranger in the street, or at nursery. If you don't take control and he does say it out of the house then it will reflect on you and your DH.

The reason saying "your music is gay" is homophobic, "DontStop*, is because it is implying that being gay is a bad thing.

How about...

'Dear BIL, you are a prick. love Rage'

short and sweet. And may just solve the having to keep in contact with the inlaws dilemma for you.

Personally I wouldnt let my DC near a relative like that.

I agree actually about ignoring the child's antics as giving attention is adding encouragement but really you need to stop this sort of thing early as possible now even though it's after the event.

If it's difficult face to face then what about a text or an email just stating it's not on, end of.

Good luck
:)

Your BIL is a complete and utter twat that's obvious!

Honestly I would cut all contact with him.We've done it,with my parents oldest child(I no longer call the arsehole my brother)cut contact with him,his partner and all of his adult children.

They were all a nightmare and didn't deserve to be apart of any of our lifes!

Everyone else knows why we've cut contact with them and anyone that matters to us has stood by us.

Everytime you DS says it just gently tell him it's not a nice thing to say.

Next time you are with BIL, if he tries it again, you could try " are you homophobic?" Then before he can answer "are you a racist too?". Then answer with an "ok " with any comeback he has. He sounds like a bully.
How old are his kids?