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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you be pleased with for the life youve had?

87 replies

Fandangola · 03/09/2015 19:57

My dc, my career and my friends make me grateful.

My childhood, my choice of husband and my finances do not. Feel as though I've faced a disproportionate amount of family stress and poverty.

On balance I would not say I was pleased with the life I've had.... Just sort of mildly regretful and surprised it never really got much better. I would feel cheated if I died tomorrow as I had would never have known real family peace or financial stability.

Do others feel similar, placing such weight on childhood, current marriage and money? Or am I totally unreasonable?!

OP posts:
imonaplane · 03/09/2015 20:10

I feel that I have been very lucky in some ways. My childhood was idyllic - loving parents and extended family. I have been married for 25 years to the love of my life and have 3 great children. We don't have to worry about money. On the other hand I have lost both my parents, other family members and friends to cancer all at young ages. On the whole I am very pleased with the life i've had. YANBU to ask the question.

Original poster
Fandangola · 03/09/2015 20:14

Imona I'm sorry for your losses- but pleased for you that other parts of your life have gone well Flowers

OP posts:
ssd · 03/09/2015 20:18

I have no regrets, well I have one I dont talk about.

I had loving parents, I just wish I had them for a lot longer than I did.

I don't have a career or lots of money, but I have a great marriage and wonderful kids, thats what makes me happy.

I would be pleased with the life I've had so far, somethings not gone so well but thats life.

firefly78 · 03/09/2015 20:31

i think so yes. i have a fulfilling job. lovely husband kids friends and family. financially secure. lovely house. need to look after myself better though and cherish my kids more.

imonaplane · 03/09/2015 20:33

Thank you Fandangola Smile

FrogFairy · 03/09/2015 20:46

I have royally fucked up my life. If I were going to die tomorrow I would feel overwhelming relief that it would all be over for me. The thought of going on for possibly another three decades is agony.

Sallystyle · 03/09/2015 20:52

Well, I had a crap childhood, abusive father. I have dealt with mental illness myself and have a mentally unwell husband. Children with special needs. I have dealt with grief and one failed marriage and more.

I have only just started work at age 34. I am not financially secure in the sense that I have anything to leave behind. I don't own a house and I'm not sure I ever will, but I can afford to pay the bills and have fun with money and never have to worry about how to feed my children.

However, I have no regrets. I love my husband and have a fantastic marriage, I have a lovely family and a roof over my head and my fair share of luxuries. Life has been difficult like many people's are but it has also been full of love, and that is what matters the most to me.

I have some big ugly emotional scars from my father, and it still hurts today to know I am not loved by him, but the fact that I have gone on to have a healthy marriage (after my failed one) with no role models and broke down my walls to accept my husband's love means the world to me. My mental health has been awful at times but at least I had people to help me through.

Two days before three of my children's father died I asked him why he didn't seem bitter/angry to be dying at age 39. I never forget him telling me that while he was devastated to leave our children behind he wasn't angry about it because he will die being loved and will die having loved. And for me, that is all that matters as well.

Sallystyle · 03/09/2015 20:52

Thanks Frog

JeffsanArsehole · 03/09/2015 20:55

I'd be mad as hell Hmm

The last ten years have been great, the previous 35 not so much.

I'd be kicking St Peter in the nuts and yelling send me back.

wasonthelist · 03/09/2015 20:56

I quite often think about this. There would always be stuff I wish was different, but on the whole, I have had it easy and been very lucky.

OhHolyFuck · 03/09/2015 20:59

Id be fucking relieved

DorotheaHomeAlone · 03/09/2015 21:39

I am very happy with my life. Wish I'd become a mum earlier (had my daughter last year aged 32). Had crappy time in my teens with an alcoholic parent. It wasn't great but I have been otherwise blessed. I put a lot of effort into always remembering to be grateful.

QuintShhhhhh · 03/09/2015 21:49

I have many regrets, and I am trying to put them right.

It was exactly thoughts like that, and fear for the future, and worry about wasting my life unhappy that has made us make some serious changes for our family. So far so good.

I had a great childhood, have a great husband and lovely kids. Happy marriage. But there is always a but, isnt there?

CautiousVisitor · 03/09/2015 21:51

Wow... what a question. Hmm.

I think I'd regret that I hadn't had time to do some of the things I'd like to do before I die. For all of the live each life as you day stuff there are just some life goals that take time to achieve!

I would feel incredibly proud and happy that I had spent most of the adult years of my life with a person whom I completely adore.

But I think I would regret that, apart from that person, I have not always been as open-hearted as I would really want to be in my other relationships. And I would regret the circumctances that have made me put those walls up.

I think I would also feel angry at the state of the world and my impotence to change any of it. It wasn't so long ago that I was a kid and thought that just by being a nice person you could make everything better.

Notimefortossers · 03/09/2015 21:55

Frog and OhHolyFuck that makes me really sad.

I had a troublesome childhood, but now that I'm out the other side and still have a lovely life in spite of it, I don't think I'd change it. It's made me who I am.

If I died tomorrow I would be happy with the life I'd had, but I'd be devastated not to have had longer. I'd regret leaving behind small children, not having more time with my husband and not completing our life's plan together.

I also wish I'd seen more of the world.

Notimefortossers · 03/09/2015 21:58

CautiousVisitor You can't make everything better. But it's amazing the difference one random act of kindness can make to one person's world. Many thousands of random acts of kindness over a lifetime can really make a massive difference. I try to console myself with that when despairing for the state of the world

JoanGalt · 03/09/2015 22:01

I would rage against the dying of the light!

My mum died when I was a child and it has devastated my whole life. The thought that I would then do the same to my DC would make me so angry.

My life has been what it has been and I have no regrets but to leave my children would be worse than death.

ChinUpChestOut · 03/09/2015 22:04

I would think that there had been lots of ups, and a few serious downs. I would definitely think I could have done better with my education, but I don't mind too much as I still had a pretty cool career, and lived overseas with it from age 22 to 42.

I lost my first DH when I was 29, and I've had a serious autoimmune illness. Depression has popped in and out of my life.

For the last 8 years though I have been desperately worried about money. I regret some decisions that I should have made (as per my gut), instead of just going along with what DH wanted to do. And I regret that I have regrets about that. I wish I could just look at it as a learning experience.

However, I'm mostly happy in my marriage and I have a great DS. Some of my family I don't get along with so well, but I've re-discovered a cousin who is like a sister to me. I also have a few, very good friends.

So on balance, more ups than downs. Been a bit close though, at times. But definitely not ready to go, so there'd be a lot of yelling.

Anaffaquine · 03/09/2015 22:05

I would be angry to be leaving my children. Having lost both my parents at a young age to cancer, it is one of my biggest fears.
I don't have many regrets, nothing major though.

marriednotdead · 03/09/2015 22:05

If I died tomorrow I would feel cheated!

Childhood was shit, teen years and beyond consequently hard and early twenties monumentally horrendous. Moving forward, ensuing DCs, friends and job are fabulous although the latter doesn't pay enough so I'm ok with that bit.
However I've just got out of an exhausting marriage and am embarking on the first steps towards a peaceful new life after years of stress.
This is MY time at last, would not be happy to have such comparatively little good bits.

nocabbageinmyeye · 03/09/2015 22:06

Nope, bar my children and my immediate family, otherwise I have a shit job when I should have had better, unhappy marriage, lots of friends i wish I'd stayed in touch with and in a bleak enough financial situation, now you pose that question it's actually depressing, I'm off for the biscuit tin

TimeToMuskUp · 03/09/2015 22:08

Childhood was dreadful, teen years difficult, twenties far better, thirties wonderful.

I'd be most upset that I didn't get to see my DCs grow up; that's my absolute focus and joy. I love DH and am grateful to have found someone lovely who mostly makes me happy, but haven't ever believed in happy ever after or soul mates so none of my regrets would be for him.

Notimefortossers · 03/09/2015 22:15

My life has been what it has been and I have no regrets but to leave my children would be worse than death.

Yes. This x

Cloppysow · 03/09/2015 22:16

I'd feel cheated. I've only really come into myself recently. I'm happy with my life, my kids, my job, my friends. I'd still quite like to experience a happy life with a man though. That's one thing i haven't managed yet.

OldBeanbagz · 03/09/2015 22:17

If i died tomorrow, i'd be happy with what i've achieved with my life but that's not to say that i don't have a few regrets. I wish i'd made more effort at school and had a better relationship with my family.

And i'd be sad that i won't get to see my children grow up.

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