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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you be pleased with for the life youve had?

87 replies

Fandangola · 03/09/2015 19:57

My dc, my career and my friends make me grateful.

My childhood, my choice of husband and my finances do not. Feel as though I've faced a disproportionate amount of family stress and poverty.

On balance I would not say I was pleased with the life I've had.... Just sort of mildly regretful and surprised it never really got much better. I would feel cheated if I died tomorrow as I had would never have known real family peace or financial stability.

Do others feel similar, placing such weight on childhood, current marriage and money? Or am I totally unreasonable?!

OP posts:
ConfusedInBath · 03/09/2015 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 03/09/2015 23:50

I was widowed in my 30's, I started drinking, tried drugs, had wild sex.

I then got with a partner and sort of regretted what I did, then I did nearly die. I had to sign to say who I wanted informing if I passed away over night, there would be nothing they could do, if my Stats fell.

Then I became bloody grateful that I'd had that experience.

There's times I regret not taking financial matters more seriously, but I was happily married, with a good work/life balance.

I feel more ashamed of being born in the UK and having the opportunity of being better educated and not making the most of that, I could be doing a lot more community wise.

If I don't right that, I think I'll be setting up regrets.

BrockAuLit · 03/09/2015 23:51

For myself - yes, I am proud of the choices I've made in life and the things I've achieved. I've had tremendous luck from the start and appreciate this. My life has been gilded, relatively speaking (no abuse, illness, financial hardship). I often wonder when it will start going wrong, then cut myself short to not tempt fate. Doesn't mean I haven't had some very tough times and experienced some incredibly low lows, but ultimately my choices at the relevant times were the right ones and they have made me a stronger and better person.

For my children - no. It's too soon. They deserve me as their mother. I can't even think about it. They are absolutely my Achilles Heel.

cabbageleaf · 04/09/2015 07:45

Yes, I would be pleased with the life I've had. I have wonderful parents, a good relationship with my siblings, had an okay childhood - overshadowed by my mother's unhappiness, but I also have a lot of good memories.
But I feel my life has only just begun. My twenties were all about "me, me, me ", then, at 30, I had DS and now I feel my life is starting all over again. So, if I die tomorrow, I'll be thankful for everything I've had so far, I've been very lucky. But I'll be absolutely fuming that my time's up!

Original poster
Fandangola · 04/09/2015 09:09

Its interesting to me the emphasis on how lucky people feel to have been born in the UK and regrets about not making the most of education opportunities.... I feel the same but about housing- feel as though I've screwed me and my kids long term financial stability by not fighting harder to get on the housing ladder and being part of generation rent.

Also feel as though dh and I will never be happy with each other and if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I would regret having stayed with him so long. Which really puts things in perspective.

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WeldedParentMaterials · 04/09/2015 10:43

I'd be be very grateful for what I have had.

I have a wonderful husband, I am so very lucky to have met him, it was pure chance. We have a lovely home and both have jobs we like and we are just a really good team and we both are so happy together. I'm very lucky to still have both my wonderful parents and had a good and normal childhood.

We've had some very bad luck recently, in various forms, which has meant that we don't have children, although we'd like to soon if we come out the other side of our current misfortune. I guess because we don't have children you don't miss what you've never had and I'm very grateful for what I do.

Original poster
Fandangola · 04/09/2015 11:24

Its interesting as to what the deal breakers are for this.... Current marital happiness or single by choice happiness seems high on the list, unless that's just my skewed perception...

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Garrick · 04/09/2015 13:07

Love your replies on this thread Fan, and thanks for your nice comment!
It does help to get things in perspective, yes. I 'died' in hospital just after XH2 and I split - it confirmed that I didn't want him in my life any more, even though I still really wished it could've worked better.

This isn't a new thought, but I've never tried putting it into words before: posts so far seem to be highlighting two opposite ways of looking at life. You can regret stuff you didn't have or do, and see your life as a sum of absences -a negative total - or you can appreciate what you do have and see it as a positive total, even if it's a smaller sum than you'd have liked.

I do agree it's worth removing negatives and building positives. To quote Birds, "If I don't right that, I think I'll be setting up regrets."

Lovely thread Thanks

Original poster
Fandangola · 04/09/2015 20:21

Yes it is, I agree. And I agree with what you are saying about the positive total, which although smaller than I would like, is positive.
I feel if I stay with dh and continue renting, I will be setting up regrets. I need to right some wrongs, for everyone. Going to look at a little house tomorrow for me and the kids.
I would so like to feel 'beloved on this earth' , while at the same time stable inside myself, independent, kind and helpful to society.

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happymummyone · 04/09/2015 20:41

No, I'm 23, I want to see my DD grow up and safely deliver my DC2. I want to marry my DP, own our own house, have many more family Christmases, run errands through my lovely village, learn to drive....

My life has been good so far but there is so much more living I want to do yet. I want thousands more tomorrow's!!

GudrunBrangwen · 04/09/2015 20:48

No, I've had a bit of a stupid life and would probably be rather relieved, as would most other people who know me I imagine. I've wanted to die since I was quite little. Just not had the courage to do anything about it.

BrandNewAndImproved · 04/09/2015 20:48

I have a nice life compared to some. I'm a sp in a council flat with a 16hr a week job so I'm far from rich.

But I feel like I'm finally getting on with my life, I've brought my dc up really well and I'm a nice person. I would hate to die anytime soon I have so much more growing to do.

MrsJorahMormont · 04/09/2015 20:50

I have achieved the things I wanted to achieve but if I would feel very cheated to die young. I would also be pissed off at how much time I squandered on MN / online!

NCISaddict · 04/09/2015 20:56

I think I've done ok. I have a job I love and I think I do it well. I have wonderful DC's who are grown up now and seem to be fine. The one thing I regret (with hindsight) is not exploring my sexuality. I feel it's too late now as it would be too painful to leave my DH and investigate my other side.

On balance though, it's been a good life and hopefully is not at the end yet!

ReRegRhonda · 04/09/2015 21:04

I've had such a lovely life but my baby is only 3 months old and i would be so sad not to see the person he turns into. Plus I'm only 22 so I'd feel a bit short changed!

TiesThatBind · 04/09/2015 21:26

I would be sad for myself that I had wasted so much time feeling anxious, when actually everything was fine. But I would be proud of how I handled many of the challenges I faced, and overall of the choices I made.

Like most others on this thread I would be devasted to leave behind two babies. It would be painful beyond belief to leave them at any stage of their childhood, but at this point they would never remember being loved by their mother and that thought is unbearable.

Very good thread - puts my current stresses into perspective.

YeOldeTrout · 04/09/2015 21:47

Feck no, but could have been worse. (shrug)

Snoozebox · 04/09/2015 21:47

I have suffered from quite severe anxiety in the past, which is only just beginning to resolve itself, apbut manifested in a weird way when I was younger. I wasn't suicidal, but I had this sometimes overwhelming and always at least background fear that I would die at any given moment. So I have always been determined to make the most of every opportunity while I've lived.

I like to think I've done the most I can up til now. I've worked hard in my education and my jobs, I've travelled as much as I could reasonably afford, I've spent lots of time with family and friends, done the whole clubbing, wild exciting times thing and also the lovely stable domestic thing. I feel like I've lived several lifetimes in thirty years.

It's only now life is on a more even keel and rather more mundane that the my anxiety has reduced and I no longer fret that I'm missing out on experiences. My diaries used to be full of that fear and now I feel like I have the big things sorted. So I'd be very unhappy if I knew I was dying soon but perhaps a tiny part of me would be relieved that I'd at least had a few years of stability and feeling 'normal'. It would have been so much worse to have had it all end on a frantic note.

Strokethefurrywall · 04/09/2015 22:26

I would be absolutely pleased with the life I have had, my only regret being that I wouldn't be able to make it even more amazing.

I had a wonderful childhood, a large and loving family, great experiences, travelled the world by myself, moved abroad, met my husband have two amazing little boys, a job I really enjoy and enough money in the bank that we don't have to worry.

My sadness would be that I wouldn't be there to see my boys grow up into the incredible men I know they would be.

But my life, up until now, has been wonderful. Yes, we lost my younger brother a few years ago, and that turned my perfect world inside out, but on balance I can, without a doubt, wake up every day and give thanks that I have been so lucky. And I do.

Original poster
Fandangola · 04/09/2015 22:54

Such interesting stories of people's lives. The contents of those lives, including childhood, career, marriage and kids do seem to dictate the greatest sense of contentment with it, I think. For those with objectively, good happy lives- would someone with a less optimistic disposition interpret the same life in a less satisfied way? I wonder if someone else had had my life, my privileges, my education, my marriage, my kids- weather they would be more happy than I can be, because I am disposed not to be. Which is because in part of a miserable childhood and horrendous parenting which clouds everything, it seems, with its own little toxic spray.
Sorry for the naval gazing....

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Original poster
Fandangola · 04/09/2015 22:57

stroke I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

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UngratefulMoo · 05/09/2015 02:40

Gudrun, what a very sad post. I very much doubt people you know would be relieved. Have you ever sought support to help deal with how you feel? I hope you're ok.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/09/2015 02:56

Mostly but I'd be gutted for my DCs that they are so young still. At 2 and 7, they would miss out on so much if I died tomorrow, so I'm extremely grateful that it's an unlikely occurrence. I plan to be around for many years yet, inasmuch as I have any control over that whatsoever.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 05/09/2015 03:02

Had a quietly traumatic childhood...emotionally neglected by both parents, actively abused by my mother, and have never got over it.
I've loved my children as best as I can and I think they'd be ok if I weren't around.
Nobody else cares and I'm terrified of everything and everyone and feel I'm broken and can't be fixed, despite years of trying, and that if things were going to turn out ok that would have happened by now. I've achieved very little of the things I used to dare to hope for and there's no prospect that things will miraculously get better now. I've never felt loved. It would be a relief to go to sleep and not wake up.

swimmerforlife · 05/09/2015 03:39

Other than leaving my son without a mum, yes I will die happy if I died tomorrow even though I am only 33.

I had a rough childhood, my dad was lovely most of the time but he use to hit and swear at me for minor things or when he had a bad day. Dad then died when I was 13. I found it hard to deal with his death and I didn't grieve properly until my early 20s as he was a great dad half the time but I always lived in fear of his mood swings. We were also always skint until my dad died.

After my dad died things started to improve, we had more money and I focused on my education. Had a fabulous time at University, then moved to the UK, travelled the world and had a good career. But above all, I had my son and met my husband who are the light of my lives. I will never ever forget those times and they make me the happiest. The only regret is I won't die in my country (NZ) as it is home.

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