Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you be pleased with for the life youve had?

87 replies

Fandangola · 03/09/2015 19:57

My dc, my career and my friends make me grateful.

My childhood, my choice of husband and my finances do not. Feel as though I've faced a disproportionate amount of family stress and poverty.

On balance I would not say I was pleased with the life I've had.... Just sort of mildly regretful and surprised it never really got much better. I would feel cheated if I died tomorrow as I had would never have known real family peace or financial stability.

Do others feel similar, placing such weight on childhood, current marriage and money? Or am I totally unreasonable?!

OP posts:
Hassled · 03/09/2015 22:21

Someone else who lost their mother very young - and the thought of my children going through what I went through makes me weep.

But that aside - yes, I would be pleased with the life I've had. I've married two good men; one marriage has worked, one didn't - but no regrets. I've travelled, I've had a bucketload of fun and some great experiences. There are a few wasted years but then everyone has those.

iPaid · 03/09/2015 22:24

Late Fragment
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 03/09/2015 22:25

I won't necessarily be patting myself on the back for what I've done with my life, but as long as my children were safe I would be able to die feeling that the universe had not been unkind to me. I've been very lucky not just to have been born in a safe, stable country but to have had a family who were healthy, kind and not arseholes. To have had 43 years of being fortunate is more than what many people who live for a lot longer get.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 03/09/2015 22:26

I would be vaguely happy with how life has gone, although I hoped for much more in some respects, such as career.

I have two wonderful dc and that would be the thing I was happiest about looking back at my life (although I would be very unhappy to be leaving them).

I would be quite pleased with how I handled the two really difficult situations (comparatively) that I have been through.

VinoTime · 03/09/2015 22:29

Yes, I would be Smile

I have ticks in most boxes and very few negatives in my life. Things are really good.

rhetorician · 03/09/2015 22:33

this happened to me nearly 10 years ago. Flying back from South Africa, chest pains, breathlessness, oxygen etc etc. Got back home (this was the day of the liquid bombers so the connecting flight through Heathrow was, er, fun), went to A&E, pulmonary embolism. I thought I might die on that flight and I realised that I was OK with that. It was liberating (had always worried about death probably because my dad died when I was 8); now I would feel troubled about leaving my DC (didn't have them then)

Notimefortossers · 03/09/2015 22:35

If I knew I was going to die tomorrow I'd be leaving a shit load of written and video instructions for my DH on how to raise them in my absence! ;)

captainproton · 03/09/2015 22:37

I do try to see positives in most things. Had an alcoholic parent who committed suicide when I was mid 20s, which was horrendous at the time but has made me the person I am today. I don't sweat the small stuff.

Saying that if I knew I were die tomorrow I would be desperately sad for my unborn daughter, and her big brother and sister.

My life is not about me alone anymore, my children would suffer greatly, as would DH.

patienceisvirtuous · 03/09/2015 22:42

Certainly not.

Most things are great, but recurrent miscarriages and childlessness into late thirties does not a happy life make.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 03/09/2015 22:46

I keep on optimistically thinking "anytime now I'll get my shit together" so no I don't want to die before I've perfected life.

Notimefortossers · 03/09/2015 22:47

I know now that (((hugs))) on MN is social suicide, but I don't know what else to do or say for patienceisvirtuous so ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I agree captainproton My life is more important and precious to me now because I have them. It's made me a more nervous driver though which is probably not a good thing

Notimefortossers · 03/09/2015 22:48

What have you got to do to get your shit together Thedontknow?

patienceisvirtuous · 03/09/2015 22:49

Thanks notime

grapejuicerocks · 03/09/2015 22:51

I faced that a few years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. My over riding feeling was "well I've had a good life". My fear was leaving my children.

MrsFrankRicard · 03/09/2015 22:54

I think about this too often! I have had a good life so far, nice childhood, lots of friends, happily married to lovely DH and amazing DCs but now that I have them I am terrified of dying as I need to see them grow up and be there for them every step of the way.

Intheprocess · 03/09/2015 22:57

I've made peace with my past, so don't really think about it that way. I'd be sad not for what I've already lost, but what I'd lose from the future.

travertine · 03/09/2015 22:58

My dad nearly died through colon cancer. When he had reconstructive surgery last year he decided on DNR, none of us wanted him to do it but he said if I die I have had a good life and know I am loved. That was a HUGE comfort to me and I feel the same way. I may have a few regrets but the people I leave behind would I hope feel the same about me as I do my dad.

Original poster
Fandangola · 03/09/2015 23:07

Just came back to the thread and moved to tears by the poem- and all the stories. Equally to wanting my children safe and to stay with them, I would love to be loved and love in return- the childhood stuff and the money pales into comparison really.

OP posts:
Garrick · 03/09/2015 23:09

I think about this every day: is that weird? It's been my "how am I doing" benchmark since childhood. I aim to do at least one good turn of some sort every day, to take pleasure in small things all the time, and to learn new things every day. I will emphatically not die wishing I'd done less housework Blush

Like you and other PPs, Fan, there's a lack of real love in my life and this is what I'll regret. I've done the therapy, though, and continue it on my own: some opportunities are gone forever, and it wasn't my fault I misunderstood what love really is. I know I am loved by friends, and they know I love them. My life has been full of amazing experiences. It's not at all amazing now, but I still live fully in different ways. And I haven't finished yet Wink

Garrick · 03/09/2015 23:10

Cross-posted :) You have the thing I didn't! You can face oblivion thinking "I did better than Garrick" ... Grin

Original poster
Fandangola · 03/09/2015 23:17

Garrick, I am inspired by what you wrote. And no I don't think it's weird- I think it's a beautiful way to be grateful and to sort the wheat from the chaff. I heard liv ullman on radio 4 saying how kind life had been to her, and it made me stop in my tracks... Do I think it's been kind to me?

OP posts:
ComposHatComesBack · 03/09/2015 23:27

I am (mostly) happily married but at 35 feel that my life has started yey. In every other way it would feel like my adult life hadn't started.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 03/09/2015 23:30

Not really -
not having enough money has affected me badly and narrowed my options considerably.

Whathaveilost · 03/09/2015 23:33

Yes. I have a great husband who loves me to bits, gives me so much freedom and is generous with his time and money.

My boys are doing well.

I have had a load of great expierence , been to many places and have a great time. I'm 50 now and my health is good, so if I died tomorrow I would be surprised!

bessarabiantiger · 03/09/2015 23:35

I apologise for nrft.

But for OP, my family were horrible, I made bad life choices, I've done wrong things.

But after the past 12 months I could die happy tonight.

It's never too late.