ISBU to send the au pair to our gang?

[NutterButtSquash]

Namechanged as I think one of the girls is also a MNer.

I'm part of a group of girls who went to antenatal classes together and now we try to meet up every week or so for coffee, usually around someone's house. There are 10 of us and not everyone makes it every week, but in general a few of us at least meet up with the babies, who are now 7 and 8 months old approx.

One of the girls has gone back to work in the last month and has started sending her au pair with the baby on our meet-ups. The reason she gives is because she is wanting her little one to still see his little friends in the gang. Bearing in mind they are 7-8 months old. They barely register each other's existence really. The au pair girl seems nice, she is 19, eastern European and she is here to learn English as well as work so she is keen to chat etc, so I don't have a problem with her as a person, as such. She does seem a little out of place though as she is quite a lot younger than us (our average age is probably early 30s).

But it sort of changes our group dynamic a bit. She isn't a mum. We are all a gang because we went through late pregnancy, giving birth and early parenthood together. She didn't. The kids don't care if each other are there or not, and the au pair has already told us she has other au pair friends she can take the baby to hang out with. The mum has also added her to our round robin email group so she can keep track of where and when we are meeting up, and we often have a bit of banter over that email group. It has stopped now a bit as it feels a bit like there is an outsider watching it all (which there is, I suppose).

So, ISBU to send this random teenager (effectively) into our cosy group for the slightly flimsy reason of wanting her little boy to see our babies? Or am I being a curmudgeonly old cow unreasonable for not wanting the nice au pair there so Little Johnny can still see his tiny friends (who he doesn't know exist from one week to the next)...?

You sound like a teenager yourself, the au pair is probably more mature than you and your NCT group.

I think YABU not to change your meet up to the day the other mum can make. It sounds like she wants to be involved, which is understandable. You point out that the babies are too young for them to really have any idea where they're spending time, but then can't accommodate your friend as you have baby "classes" to go to. It comes across like you're deliberately excluding her, and it does sound a bit cliquey.

I think you sound a bit cliquey. Why not try and welcome this girl to your group? Yes, she's not a mum, but she's a woman in a new country who could do with some mates.

Agree au pair shouldn't be looking after tiny baby. Obviously not point ofbthread but that seems weird in itself.

Also think term "girl" to describe women and talking about a gang is cliquey and odd.

I would let her come. I would consider nct and baby group meet ups as about the babies. You could a go for a drink in the evening without babies and then it would be odd for au pair to come.

Maybe friend sees the groups differently to you. She might think it is about the babies rather than being a "gang". Perhaps she has other friends fr general socialising .

Also I would change to a day the working mum can make.

God there's no way on earth I'd be entertaining someone's au pair when I was hanging out with my friends. It's not cliquey to have friends.

I would change the day to when my real friend could make it though

We probably could adjust the day/time of our meeting a bit to give the mum a chance to come, but the likelihood is that whatever we change it to won't suit someone. There are ten of us in the gang group. And I take your point attheend about the baby classes, but people have paid out money to do these things and are unlikely to just ditch them, especially at the beginning of a new term as we are now. I don't think that just because this mum is the first to return to work we should change an arrangement that has worked well for us all for the last 6-7 months to suit her. Others are returning to work soon too, will we have to keep changing it to suit every person? Certainly if I'd been the first to return to work I wouldn't expect everyone else to shift around to fit my working pattern.

And I also wouldn't send my baby to meet up with the rest of the group in my absence!

And seriously, we aren't being horrible to the au pair, she is nice, chatty, perfectly reasonable kind of girl and she has been coming to our meet ups since she started work 3 weeks ago. But it really does change things. Our conversations just aren't as free as they were. And she has a load of au pair friends too, so she is hardly lonely!

I'm assuming all of you who think this situation isn't weird at all would be perfectly happy for a random 19 year old to be inserted into your established friendship groups of women in their 30s? It isn't exactly the same, I grant you, but it is a bit like your friend not being able to make it to your house for cake and coffee so sending her cleaner instead!! I bet if I hadn't said we were an antenatal group you wouldn't be telling me I had to embrace having a random teenager inflicted on me. Even a nice random teenager.

I think you're being mean. If I was her I wouldn't want to go because of this. It's good for babies to socialise so they aren't just used to a few people. You sound like one of those people who has a problem with her because she's not "one of you". Maybe a little threatened by the fact that she's young too.

To me this doesn't really sound like a group of friends meeting up, more like a baby group!

The au pair might have other au pair friends, but how many of them have babies with them?

Reubs15 - didn't you read the bit about the Au Pair having lots of Au Pair friends? Usually in my experience when Au Pairs meet up they bring their charges with them, and thats lots of socialising. And at 7 months thats plenty.

I do think maybe the original Mum is worried that all the rest of your children will make friends as they get older and hers will be left out.
I'd try to counter this by shaking things up a bit, and having the odd weekend meet up, and other times. I'm sure that others of you will be returning to work before too long, or will get other commitments (a music class that only runs at that time etc.).

I don't think that just because this mum is the first to return to work we should change an arrangement that has worked well for us all for the last 6-7 months to suit her.

YABU for this at least. One of our NCT group went back to work at five months and we did everything we could to arrange our meetings so that she could attend on her days off, because we actually LIKE her. These days we meet up when the majority are free each week, so it's a different time and day every week. In your group, the working mum is only doing four afternoons a week, and you can't be arsed to rearrange things to fit in with that? You sound pretty horrible, all in all.

And babies of that age really do start recognising an interacting with each other. YABU not to have noticed that already.

Now I'm glad I went back to work and didn't get involved in cliquey "mummy" groups.

Gangs, girls, hanging out, not changing to suit a "friend",

Poor au pair

This is petty, so YABU. The mum in question probably feels rubbish enough at missing out on all this, and is keen for her baby to have the social interaction and to keep in touch with you all. As mum is a part-timer, would it hurt to change the day or time that you all meet (even if only sometimes) to try and include her too.

In your group, the working mum is only doing four afternoons a week, and you can't be arsed to rearrange things to fit in with that? You sound pretty horrible, all in all.

this^^

Does your 'gang' of 'girls' enjoy a 'cheeky vino' at 'wine o'clock'?

I think she is being a little unreasonable.

We are all a gang because we went through late pregnancy, giving birth and early parenthood together

She doesn't have this link with you all so it would become awkward, in fact other than the fact that she has the child she may not have anything at all in common with you and may feel just as uncomfortable being made to hang out with a group of older girls women (sorry, not sure why the words girls and gang are deemed so offensive)

You mention that all of you will be going back to work within the next few months and your weekly meetings may fizzle out anyway, is it worth trying to set up a regular (perhaps evening) meet up without the LOs now so you can keep the relationship as a group going without your friend feeling that she is missing out on what the rest of you are still doing. She might be feeling upset that the rest of you are all still on mat leave while she is at work and concerned that your group will continue on without her so to speak, or change the date of your regular meet-up to a morning that she can make?

Seeing your reaction I would say that it is very likely that the au pair got the vibe she isn't welcome :(
And despite what you are saying, you ARE unwelcoming (See the comment on how it reminds you of being a teenager and being 'forced' to hang out with a younger sibling. Shock horror!! How could you EVER be friend with a younger adult?!?)

I can understand that your subjects of conversations might be not very interesting for her BUT you have no idea if this is the case. Ie you don't know what her life experiences are AND listening to people like this is a great way to learn more about a new culture and how people are living (which is one reason why she came as an au pair here).

I think your issue has more to do with the fact you feel there is a stranger now in your group. And you aren't ready to welcome her.

I think your issue has more to do with the fact you feel there is a stranger now in your group. And you aren't ready to welcome her.

I don't understand why they have to welcome a stranger into the group. The op has said that the au pair has her own friends etc so she's hardly lonely. IMHO it's better nipped in the bud with the working friend and the au pair early before friendships are spoilt

Btw I don't think you have an established friendship group.
You have a group of mums who have been brought together because they just happened to have given birth at roughly similar time.
By experience, as so is as people go back to work and the need to have a bit if a social life with the lo, said 'friendship' just fizzled out.
Very few of these friendship will withstand going back to work tbh. See already you have a smaller group of 5 (which you aren't part of) who are meeting up at a class wo the dc.
Which is why saying you have a 'close friendship group' is wrong

I'm :( :( at your posts tbh. This is exact emu what I encountered when I had my own little ones. Groups (gang is the right word actually. Gang that you can not go in as an outsider) that are all 'established' refusing to open their doors to a newcomer and leaving people behind.
If it had been a new mum who happened to be 19yo, I suspect you would have said she can't be part of the group too because she is too young therefore you can't have anything to talk about (which is a lot of rubbish btw)

There are two excellent answers on this thread: ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged and the poster who was a nanny.

Your friend, the parent sending her au pair, is being bananas.

You have a friendship group. The thing about being a friend is that you can't send someone to be a friend in your place - it doesn't work like that.

It's like sending someone to have sex with your partner in your place.

It's weird.

Your friend is weird if she doesn't get that.

I am guessing that the weirdness will eventually overwhelm you all and you will start doing what the nanny upthread outlined and just meet secretly. And at this rate, your friend will lose you lot as friends. It would be kind to talk to her about it before that happens. Perhaps suggest other times she can meet up with you?

KevinandMe - I suspect a survey would reveal that post-baby friendship groups are surprisingly resilient. Mine have been going for almost almost 20 years now. They survive all sorts: going back to work, illness, death of children . They survive precisely because these women walk with you on a path that is both joyful and profoundly intense.

I might see if one of the group who is better friends with the mum than me will have a word. I think she'll take offence though, sadly.

But you're the one posting about this on an internet forum. Why don't you "have a word"?

Before she went back to work we did tentatively think about changing the day we meet to her day off. She said not to bother as that's the day she (and 4 others of us) are doing Waterbabies so couldn't make it anyway. Maybe another weekday morning would work, so I can raise the question, but there'll always be someone who can't make it. Same with evenings. There's one of us got twins, evenings for her are pretty tense to say the least so she probably wouldn't make it. There is a fairly young mum in our group, I think she's 21 or 22. So it isn't purely about the au pair's age. I was kinda highlighting it for dramatic effect.

The next two of us go back to work in about a fortnight. One of them is full time and the other one's days off aren't Tuesday (our usual day). Both of them are a bit sad about missing out, but they do realise that we are all dropping off one by one. I go back mid-October and may be able to make some Tuesdays depending on my shifts. If I can't, I certainly won't be sending DH with the baby to see the remaining girls. He knows them relatively well (we've all been having BBQs and meet ups with partners over summer etc) but it would still be odd as he isn't really their 'friend' as such. And I won't be asking them to change the day to suit me, in fact (as the mum in question has done) I have booked classes or arranged to see my DM on my fixed days off, specifically because they are my days off and I want to have stuff planned in to do with my LO.

And yes, yes, I'm not a total moron, I do know the babies interact with each other and it is good for them to be social. But the child in question does a lot, he gets to see lots of babies and adults all the time. He is hardly going to be sitting there on a Tuesday afternoon thinking "well, why aren't I out seeing the nct kids?", or hassling his mother as a teenager as to how she ruined his life by him missing out on maybe 8 or 10 meetings with his baby friends when he was less than 1 year old. We do fuckloads for our kids in terms of socialising and development stuff. This Tuesday afternoon coffee is about the mums.

I don't think we are nasty enough that we will deliberately exclude the au pair. I'm definitely not anyway, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. But I am sad that the last few weeks of my maternity leave where I meet up with my friends it will be a bit awkward and stilted because there is a new person there who does not exactly fit and no-one is being quite themselves around her. She is my friend's employee, not my friend, no matter how nice she is.

So are you going to be the one to tell her you can't "be yourself" when she's around?

Or are you going to get someone else to do your dirty work?