ISBU to send the au pair to our gang?

[NutterButtSquash]

Namechanged as I think one of the girls is also a MNer.

I'm part of a group of girls who went to antenatal classes together and now we try to meet up every week or so for coffee, usually around someone's house. There are 10 of us and not everyone makes it every week, but in general a few of us at least meet up with the babies, who are now 7 and 8 months old approx.

One of the girls has gone back to work in the last month and has started sending her au pair with the baby on our meet-ups. The reason she gives is because she is wanting her little one to still see his little friends in the gang. Bearing in mind they are 7-8 months old. They barely register each other's existence really. The au pair girl seems nice, she is 19, eastern European and she is here to learn English as well as work so she is keen to chat etc, so I don't have a problem with her as a person, as such. She does seem a little out of place though as she is quite a lot younger than us (our average age is probably early 30s).

But it sort of changes our group dynamic a bit. She isn't a mum. We are all a gang because we went through late pregnancy, giving birth and early parenthood together. She didn't. The kids don't care if each other are there or not, and the au pair has already told us she has other au pair friends she can take the baby to hang out with. The mum has also added her to our round robin email group so she can keep track of where and when we are meeting up, and we often have a bit of banter over that email group. It has stopped now a bit as it feels a bit like there is an outsider watching it all (which there is, I suppose).

So, ISBU to send this random teenager (effectively) into our cosy group for the slightly flimsy reason of wanting her little boy to see our babies? Or am I being a curmudgeonly old cow unreasonable for not wanting the nice au pair there so Little Johnny can still see his tiny friends (who he doesn't know exist from one week to the next)...?

[IAmACuboid]

Another one gobsmacked at the wilful misunderstanding drubbing you've had OP - I totally get where you're coming from, and think YANBU. Of course it's weird.

The mum sounds very rather PFB if she thinks the meet ups are genuinely important to her baby, considering she sees a few of the group weekly already.

All postnatal groups have different dynamics, some PPs seem to be applying their experiences to yours, rather unfairly.

[cosmicglittergirl]

I've already said YANBU, but I wanted to second amicissimma's post.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

The woman sending the au pair feels insecure in her friendship with your 'gang'.

No way I'd have done what she has, but I was the first to go back to work of the antenatal friends I made. There was a sub-clique who I knew didn't like me and hey presto, I was soon frozen out. I was gutted for a while but soon got over it they were tedious anyway

It taught me that most antenatal acquaintances are just that and will never be more than people with a child's age in common.

[NutterButtSquash]

Rhonda I actually interpreted my friend's remark as being a bit bitchy towards mum with au pair rather than the au pair herself. I agree it is a bit silly to be saying these things behind her back, but can you honestly say you've never said anything a bit lighthearted and tongue in cheek about a friend who you think is doing something a bit silly herself?

[ThatDoesntMeanWhatYouThinkItMe]

Take the babies out of the equation.

OP: 'my friends and I meet every week for a coffee and a gossip. One of my friends can't make our regular meet up now so she sends her cleaner instead. AWBU to find it awkward?'

[ThatDoesntMeanWhatYouThinkItMe]

Fucks sake. Op is organising a meet up with her mates.

One of the mates can't make it. Fair enough. But to send an employee in her place? I can't believe some people don't think that's weird.

[SoleBizzzz]

YABVU grow up

[SuburbanRhonda]

FWIW my conscience is clear regarding our group's behaviour towards the au pair - we have been nice to her and I honestly don't think she will have felt unwelcome

And yet in your next post you say this:

One of the others has just texted me tongue-in-cheek to ask whether she should be demanding her childminder bring the baby out for coffee when she goes back to work soon.

So making bitchy remarks about her is ok as long as it's behind her back?

Btw I don't actually think there's anything wrong with you not wanting her there. That's up to you. But you haven't come over at all well on this thread in terms of your preciousness about your "gang".

[NutterButtSquash]

Thanks girls guys female adult humans

Upon checking my email, friend with au pair emailed last night and has offered to host us all in a couple of weeks time, on a Tuesday morning. It is probably about her "turn" anyway based on how we have usually worked things. Only real change being that she's asked if we can do 11am rather than 2pm as usual. A few of people have replied already, one can make it, two can't. I'm supposed to see my PIL that morning but can probably rearrange them to the afternoon because despite how my posts have been interpreted, I am this mum's friend, I do like her and I do want to continue seeing her!

So there we go, she will still see us after all.

[MrsJorahMormont]

Why are people giving the OP such a hard time? FGS, meet ups at this stage are for the mums to save them going out of their minds, not the babies! And of course it would be a bit weird having a stranger parachute into an established group of friends

Your friend is trying to hold her place in the group because she's back at work. In a few months when you are all back at work it will be less of an issue - you'll just naturally start meeting at different times and you'll probably find the group will splinter into smaller subgroups anyway.

[LatinForTelly]

YANBU at all. Of course it changes the dynamic - drastically.

As PPs have said, there is a particular kind of intimacy with these friends with whom you've shared such an intense experience. Bringing in a stranger, in a completely different stage of life to boot, changes that.

I don't know what your friend-with-au-pair is thinking. It doesn't matter two hoots to the baby whether he is there or not.

Not sure why people are being so snippy to you.

I think you have to raise it with the mother. Face to face if possible so it can be said gently and not misinterpreted. (Am sure you'll know what to do.)

[KERALA1]

Also as a one off interloper - great happy memories of nct friend bonkers mil coming along once. But not every meet up.

[MiddleAgedandConfused]

YANBU - sending the au pair to a friends' coffee morning in somebody's home is weird. Really weird.
But you sound lovely and like you are being kind to this complete stranger who has popped up in your house completely uninvited.

[SheSparkles]

I totally get it nutbuttersquash, husband was lovely but he hadn't given birth, yes that was pretty much all we had in common, but at that time in our lives it was a pretty big thing!

[NutterButtSquash]

Thanks also SheSparkles - I missed your response in the midst of the last few. You seem to get where I'm coming from.

[NutterButtSquash]

Thanks Christine - I accept I probably do have a pretty glib way of coming across on screen. I'm pretty serious IRL!

[NutterButtSquash]

Newlife they were random people who were pg at the same time when we met almost a year ago. Now they are my friends.

[ChristineDePisan]

I think Kerala and a couple of others make a very valid point about how these sorts of threads tend to run when a poster complains about her friend always bringing her DP to an otherwise all girls (or women, or ladies, or whatever) night out. The responses are almost universal that the friend is BU and having the DP there changes the dynamic in an unhelpful way. This is the same really.

And OP I don't think you sound unkind or any of the other things pp have accused you of

[NutterButtSquash]

But derxa she doesn't need to keep a toe-hold in - as I said before, we are all (but one) of us going back to work soon and the regular meet ups will dissolve anyway as the logistics of people's time off will mean we don't all meet up en masse like we do right now. She isn't going to be left behind, as I don't expect to be when I go back to work in 7 weeks time. She has never been "oh woe is me, I'll never see you all again", she feels she is sending the AP with the baby for the benefit of the baby. I'm a bloody GP so I know enough about child development to know that Little Johnny isn't suddenly going to give up and retreat into his shell for lack of a couple of hours a week with these particular babies, when he goes out and sees plenty of other babies several times a week!

[SheSparkles]

Years and years ago when I had my eldest, who's now 18, I had a really good group of people I met at (NHS) ante natal classes...we were almost all first time mums and continued meeting up pretty much until the kids started school.
We were a great support to each other and a definite group of friends.
One by one we started to go back to work, most of us part time, and those of us who were able, still met up when we could, there were probably 5/6 (not always the same ones) managed every week.
One of the friends went back to work full time whilst her DH took over at home. He came along to our group (the kids didn't care about each other!) and it TOTALLY changes the dynamic of the group. Yes he was a lovely guy, but none of us then felt comfortable speaking about personal things in front of him-not because we were embarrassed to speak about periods etc in front of a man, but because WE DIDN'T KNOW HIM.
When you've gone through the life changing experience that having your first baby is, with a group of people, and shared all your birth and post birth stories, it brings an intimacy to the friendship very quickly.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a friendship group with the "original" members, and an ante natal group IS about the mums first and the babies second,
I don't think OP is wrong to feel it's a bit "off" that the child's carer, au-pair, grandparent, whoever, is launches into the group, because the dynamic will change.
It's unfair of the mum of the baby to do this-both on the au-pair, and on the existing group of friends.
I'm not going to criticise OP for how she refers to her group of friends, we had a name for our group too, which was a play on the words ante-natal

[cosmicglittergirl]

YANBU
I totally get why you wouldn't want the au pair there, you're out with friends. Do you think au pair mum will understand? I was just out with a couple of NCT friends from DD1 and we had a good catch up with all sorts of chat, someone new would totally change the dynamic. At this stage, it is about you and not the baby.

[NewLife4Me]

What a load of twaddle.
We didn't have classes when mine were born let alone keep in contact with random people who were pg at the same time.
The world has gone bloody batty.

[MsJamieFraser]

I dont understand why you cant welcome her to the group tbh, so what your saying is, unless you have given birth, or not a mum, or are not mid 30's then no ones welcome in you "gang"

AS you say she seems nice so why dont you take all the negativity away from her, be open minded and see if that nice lady is actually nice.

yabu glad I am not your friend

[derxa]

Absolutely horrible for the au pair. OP you sound awful. I don't remember talking about piles and Tena lady at NCT meetings. I can understand why your 'friend' sent the au pair- she is trying to keep a toe hold in the group for her baby. Not much knowledge of human development either. Of course the baby knows and recognises the other babies and is communicating with them.