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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ISBU to send the au pair to our gang?

121 replies

NutterButtSquash · 02/09/2015 17:41

Namechanged as I think one of the girls is also a MNer.

I'm part of a group of girls who went to antenatal classes together and now we try to meet up every week or so for coffee, usually around someone's house. There are 10 of us and not everyone makes it every week, but in general a few of us at least meet up with the babies, who are now 7 and 8 months old approx.

One of the girls has gone back to work in the last month and has started sending her au pair with the baby on our meet-ups. The reason she gives is because she is wanting her little one to still see his little friends in the gang. Bearing in mind they are 7-8 months old. They barely register each other's existence really. The au pair girl seems nice, she is 19, eastern European and she is here to learn English as well as work so she is keen to chat etc, so I don't have a problem with her as a person, as such. She does seem a little out of place though as she is quite a lot younger than us (our average age is probably early 30s).

But it sort of changes our group dynamic a bit. She isn't a mum. We are all a gang because we went through late pregnancy, giving birth and early parenthood together. She didn't. The kids don't care if each other are there or not, and the au pair has already told us she has other au pair friends she can take the baby to hang out with. The mum has also added her to our round robin email group so she can keep track of where and when we are meeting up, and we often have a bit of banter over that email group. It has stopped now a bit as it feels a bit like there is an outsider watching it all (which there is, I suppose).

So, ISBU to send this random teenager (effectively) into our cosy group for the slightly flimsy reason of wanting her little boy to see our babies? Or am I being a curmudgeonly old cow unreasonable for not wanting the nice au pair there so Little Johnny can still see his tiny friends (who he doesn't know exist from one week to the next)...?

OP posts:

maddening · 02/09/2015 20:39

I would move the regular meet up day to the day your friend is off - am sure other classes can be arranged - or meet in the morning on your meet up day or anther morning when your friend is free.

CheekyMaleekey · 02/09/2015 20:47

"Girls" and "gang" - you're in your 30s, FFS.

BrockAuLit · 02/09/2015 20:58

Honestly? You all sound desperately cliquey. So a new person comes into the group and changes the dynamic - maybe that's a good thing? Maybe you could learn something from her? Maybe she's a breath of fresh, young air? Would it hurt you to extend a warm welcome and be inclusive?

And just watch: very soon your 7-8mo will be celebrating their first then second birthdays. They will remember faces from old. An 8mo is really not just like an accessory

RainbowFlutterby · 02/09/2015 20:59

Of course a group of friends are "cliquey"!!! It's a group of friends, not a formally organised antenatal group. The saying is that you can choose your friends but not your family - these girls women are just choosing their friends!

RainbowFlutterby · 02/09/2015 21:02

Also note that the OP states that they meet at each other's houses - you know, where normal people would wait to be personally invited to.

honeyroar · 02/09/2015 21:05

I was an au pair. I looked after babies around 12 months old for two different families. Usually sole charge 4 mornings a week. I was a very responsible au pair, I had St Johns qualifications. Tbh the babies were a damned sight easier to look after than their 3yr old siblings.

hibbleddible · 02/09/2015 21:14

rainbow op says they are from an antental class, presumably nct. They have nothing more in common other than having babies at the same time, and having forked out for classes. There is no need to exclude this woman because she is an au pair.

Itsmine · 02/09/2015 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

antimatter · 02/09/2015 21:32

Where would you draw a line, nanny - not good too? Even if she was your age?

having the au pair sent to hang out with us reminds me so much of being a teenager and being forced by my mum to let my little sister hang out with me and my friends if they came round to visit. Totally uncool.

She is at work and not doing her mum a favour! Is working uncool?

Original poster

NutterButtSquash · 02/09/2015 21:35

We have been nice to the au pair, honest! But it is just a bit odd for us. As a PP has pointed out, the meetings are round our houses usually, so if you take the babies out of the equation, this is like one of your friends being unable to make your meet-up so sending a teenager in her place. Odd.

Yes of course the babies will all know each other eventually, but as I said in my last post, virtually all of us are returning to work by the time the babies are one so these meet ups will stop anyway, and I really, really don't think her boy will be disadvantaged socially by missing out on a few meet ups prior to his first birthday.

Good point maddening about making it a morning meet up so mum can go. I guess it depends on who is hosting and whether it is convenient for them.

OP posts:

Karoleann · 02/09/2015 21:36

Of course you're not being unreasonable' it's not an open baby group, it's a group of friends meeting up together. I'd have felt awkward too.

If you know the mum can't come just arrange to meet as usual, but don't include her in the texts when you arrange where to go.

RainbowFlutterby · 02/09/2015 21:40

She might be at work, but she's still turning up at people's houses uninvited.

They're not meeting at some organised post natal group thing at a community centre.

I met my best friend at a post natal group (a long time ago). We have loads more in common than just the children - we found that out over time. This group of women referred to in the OP have moved their friendships forwards probably based on many other things. And now a stranger is turning up at their houses who they have nothing in common with and a lot of people think they should suck it up.

threenotfour · 02/09/2015 21:42

You do sounds a bit rude and unreasonable. The au pair sounds pleasant and harmless. You all sound like you meet up a lot so why not allow the friendly au pair to spend time with you all and practice her english.

How on earth do you think the poor au pair is going to feel when your friend tells her not to come along and meet up with you because you all don't want her there for no good reason. She will feel terrible. It's so rude.

Dynomite · 02/09/2015 21:46

YANBU and I can't believe the responses on here. It's a friendship group ffs! You don't just send someone in your place. You go there to talk about your lives/kids/husbands/tv shows whatever you want to talk about. A random 19 year old au pair just makes things effing awkward, completely changes the dynamic. Yabu for putting up with it for so long, you're all grown women. Just tell her that you intend to keep in touch and continue to meet up with her when you can but to stop sending the au pair as having a stranger at your meet ups is not appropriate.

Dynomite · 02/09/2015 21:47

And it's NOT your duty to help the au pair with her English, that's ridiculous. She's not your friend nor your employee. You have no responsibility towards a random 19 year old.

RainbowFlutterby · 02/09/2015 21:47

three - do you often have people round to your house who you don't want there because it would be rude not to?

CheekyMaleekey · 02/09/2015 21:48

YAB very U and rude.

Original poster

NutterButtSquash · 02/09/2015 21:56

Thanks for the support of those who seem to get my point!

She is pleasant and harmless. But she is just a stranger holding our friend's baby. Why should she come to our houses? The babies aren't friends, the mums are. It just so happens we have to bring the babies because they are babies and we are looking after them on mat leave!

I might see if one of the group who is better friends with the mum than me will have a word. I think she'll take offence though, sadly.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2015 22:25

Someone needs to ask her whether she'd want someone else's au pair there when she was talking to her husband in private or when she was out with her best friends. It's just ridiculous. It's one thing you all looking out for her, quite another to suggest she hangs out with you.

ChristineDePisan · 02/09/2015 22:33

YANBU at all! I presume - as well as other things - you want to be able to talk about stuff like stopping bf, thinking about the best time to have No 2, how to shift the baby weight and does your DH still fancy you as much now as before being pregnant, have you got your sex life back on track or are the stitches still causing problems etc etc etc... None of which you really want to talk about in front of a stranger, however lovely they are. \

If the meet ups are likely to fizzle out anyway, I think though that you might just have to suck it up, or (preferably) move the timing so that your friend can come herself.

legolegolego · 02/09/2015 22:46

I was the nanny in this exact situation a few years ago. The then-SAHP wanted a nanny rather than a nursery so the child's routine of meeting up with NCT parents could carry on. They also wanted their house used for play dates so it was fair, rather than the child always going to the other families' houses and never returning the favour.

Most of the mums made me feel really rather unwelcome, but I had no choice but to follow boss' instructions and go. They were nice on paper, but I could tell I was not wanted there. It was horrible, really. Eventually I stopped getting the text/email about where the play date would be, or it would be changed last minute and I wouldn't be informed and would be sat in a coffee shop twiddling my thumbs waiting and no one would turn up

I did make one really good friend out of the mums, so I can't be that bad. But really, I think you should address it with the mum ASAP. Put the poor au pair out of her misery.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 02/09/2015 22:57

Someone from a group I went to did this. Except she sent us her MIL. MIL didn't want to be there. We didn't really want to meet weekly with someone we didn't know. The mum was adamant that her pfb needed his routine. Weird.

MIL turned out to be lovely. I still see her. I don't see the mum who couldn't trust her childcare to make their own decisions about where to take her baby and who to spend time with...

blueshoes · 02/09/2015 23:00

OP, if you feel so strongly about it, put your big girl gang pants on and take it up with the mum.

It is not the aupair's fault. She is just doing her job. I truly pity her having to be amongst you all and getting the vibe.

As a person who uses aupairs, the unspoken etiquette is that aupairs socialise with their charges with other aupairs/nannies and parents with other parents. I would never put my aupair in that awkward situation. Her mummy boss clearly does not know the rules.

You can set her straight. Go On.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/09/2015 23:01

Your gang. How old are you 12. Stop being so clique and try welcoming this women. It won't hurt, I promise

Original poster

NutterButtSquash · 02/09/2015 23:34

A bit amused by the reaction my use of the word 'gang' has caused. It was just the first collective noun I thought of. 'Group' seemed a bit formal and I thought people might misunderstand and think I meant a public post natal group and not an informal group of friends.

Thanks lego for your perspective. FWIW we are being nice and welcoming and including the au pair because we are nice people despite my use of the word gang and I don't really think she'll be picking up any vibes from us of not being welcome. Maybe she'll get bored of us and ask her boss if she can do something else instead. Christine has hit the nail on the head with what a lotof our conversations are about. Probably not a whole lot of fun for a 19 year old whose first language isn't English. Our meetings really are about us predominantly, rather than the babies. If we were meeting without the babies and I couldn't make it, I wouldn't send someone else in my place.

OP posts:

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