ISBU to send the au pair to our gang?

[NutterButtSquash]

Namechanged as I think one of the girls is also a MNer.

I'm part of a group of girls who went to antenatal classes together and now we try to meet up every week or so for coffee, usually around someone's house. There are 10 of us and not everyone makes it every week, but in general a few of us at least meet up with the babies, who are now 7 and 8 months old approx.

One of the girls has gone back to work in the last month and has started sending her au pair with the baby on our meet-ups. The reason she gives is because she is wanting her little one to still see his little friends in the gang. Bearing in mind they are 7-8 months old. They barely register each other's existence really. The au pair girl seems nice, she is 19, eastern European and she is here to learn English as well as work so she is keen to chat etc, so I don't have a problem with her as a person, as such. She does seem a little out of place though as she is quite a lot younger than us (our average age is probably early 30s).

But it sort of changes our group dynamic a bit. She isn't a mum. We are all a gang because we went through late pregnancy, giving birth and early parenthood together. She didn't. The kids don't care if each other are there or not, and the au pair has already told us she has other au pair friends she can take the baby to hang out with. The mum has also added her to our round robin email group so she can keep track of where and when we are meeting up, and we often have a bit of banter over that email group. It has stopped now a bit as it feels a bit like there is an outsider watching it all (which there is, I suppose).

So, ISBU to send this random teenager (effectively) into our cosy group for the slightly flimsy reason of wanting her little boy to see our babies? Or am I being a curmudgeonly old cow unreasonable for not wanting the nice au pair there so Little Johnny can still see his tiny friends (who he doesn't know exist from one week to the next)...?

[hibbleddible]

Wow op, it just gets better.

You sound about 14 years old.

I feel sorry for the poor au pair in all of this.

[NutterButtSquash]

No, I think her employer should.

I might end up being the one asking her employer to stop sending her though.

"Kelly" doesn't feel so comfortable discussing her now weak bladder in front of a stranger, and we may never get the juicy details of "Anna"s ongoing saga of trying to get the surgeons to have another look at her perineal repair. Because it just feels a bit weird to have these intimate conversations in front of this woman we don't really know. Ok, so we don't only talk about our privates, but still...

One of the others has just texted me tongue-in-cheek to ask whether she should be demanding her childminder bring the baby out for coffee when she goes back to work soon.

[InimitableJeeves]

This whole group sounds a bit odd. There is no need for it to collapse as people go back to work if you just apply a bit of flexibility. When my dc were that age, I went to NCT meet-ups regularly and it was all very informal and yes, it did include nannies who assimilated with no difficulty at all. As people went back to work we shifted some of the meetings to evenings and weekends, but often people worked part time so we also changed the days so that different people could attend whenever they could.

[SavoyCabbage]

I think you should start meeting on a different day every week. So sometimes some people can go and sometimes they can't.

[hennybeans]

I can see where you are coming from OP. I discussed loads of personal details with my group of 'baby friends' because we were all going through being a parent for the first time and at the same stages. It would be awkward to have someone else join in who couldn't identify with the topics because she wasn't a mum. In our group, for the first year at least, 90% of discussion revolved around DC. That's got to be boring for a 19 year old with no DC too.

I would probably just put up with it for a while longer so as not to upset the mum. If the group is likely to disband soon, it might be worth it to not cause a rift and gossip and bad feelings.

Or you could arrange another activity on the the weekends once a month and invite the mum and her DC to that so that everyone 'keeps in touch' since you are all returning to work soon. Maybe stop officially having meetings on your usual day at people's houses since you're going to do the weekend meetups instead. Then the au pair will be relieved from her duty to come. You could just arrange informal meetups via text message for the next month or so before other start returning to work.

Might be easier to just keep meeting with the au pair.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

I think yabu - the reason for these groups is to stop women feeling isolated with the baby, so they can get advice and support from others. This woman is new to the country, doesn't know anyone, and doesn't presumably have masses of childcare experience. This sounds like exactly the kind of group she could benefit from. I am normally sceptical about complaints about cliquey mummies here on mn, but this sounds so horrible and exclusive. Get over yourself and just be a decent human being.

[WhatTimeIsItCuckoo]

IME after having 3 of my own, friendship groups that are formed through the children change regularly, as do their dynamics, as the children grow and move forward with nursery/pre school and then school. Therefore it's pointless being too precious about these things I think - just go with the flow, accept the changes and welcome all newcomers, particularly since most of you will have returned to work soon anyway hence another shift in meet ups/dynamics. Those of you who do form particularly close bonds will hopefully stay in touch going forward in any case.

[KERALA1]

Actually I don't think the OP is unreasonable. With a first baby those groups can be quite intense and supportive and gynaecological - they open up later as life moves on and babies grow up. I think its not on for the mum to send the au pair. I don't think its cliquey or mean to not want a random joining you.

All you naysayers, next time you meet up with a group of established friends at one of your houses, take along a 19 year old overseas student. No? Thought not.

FWIW not one of my foreign student guests has ever voluntarily come along to anything social of mine - what 19 year old wants to hang out with a load of late 30 somethings gassing about books and kids! I would have died of boredom at that age. Our gorgeous 19 year old Scandinavian student blew out my 40th to go clubbing with her friends much to the disappointment of DHs friends .

[KevinAndMe]

Actually I would have no issue with bringing an overseas student to meet with friends. I would do so because I appreciate her as a person though and would hope that my friends would be open enough to try and know her too.
Actually I'm sure that my friends would do so wo a second though.

Maybe it's because I know how it feels to be the odd one out so I would never put someone these in that situation though.

[LoveChickens]

You sound really unfriendly and I don't like your tone.

[KERALA1]

It's rude though - of the back to work mum. Like those threads where people get fed up with friends always bringing along a husband. Changes dynamics. Not fair on the au pair either.

[WannabeLaraCroft]

FFS we're not allowed to say 'girls' now!?

OP I completely get where you are coming from - this au pair isn't your friend, her employer is. As long as you're not being rude to her and making her feel left out (which I don't think you are, you sound like you're trying to accommodate her, but with difficulty as you have nothing in common).

I think it would be entirely different if it was some sort of gathering at a community centre, or even a cafe, but in someone's house when you all might end up talking about child birth, breastfeeding, piles, Tena Lady, etc, it's not easy to do that in front of someone you don't know, and the au pair might not be very comfortable about it either. I honestly don't know how you would approach it tbh, sorry.

[KERALA1]

It's high handed of the parent. Who is she to determine who her au pair and friends socialise with when she isn't even there?! I've had this done to me and slightly resented it.

She can sit in her office pulling the strings whilst her friends resent her and the au pair feels awkward. Good job!

[DoloresLandingham]

OP, I wouldn't tackle it with the mum in question. The problem is going to go away on its own.

By the time you are back at work, the current weekly routine will have fizzled out and the problem will have disappeared. You will continue to meet up with other mums from the group but it will become very rare to get all ten of you in a room, apart from the odd weekend birthday party for one of the children.

It is very similar to the process of the first year of university. During freshers' week, you are all thrown into a totally alien situation and you cling to each other to survive. As time passes and you find your feet, you realise that freshers' week / childbirth and early parenthood are the only things that you have in common with some people... You will see less and less of some of the women, while some will 'stick' as longer-lasting, true friendships.

[SuperFlyHigh]

I did this with another mum who I was a casual au pair for whilst studying childcare at school - basically I tagged along to 'mums meetings' (as I was with the mother who was also a friend) but they knew I was coming along and it was casual.

I personally think that taking out the childishness and unfriendliness of your group the main reason the mother is sending her along is for socialization with other children/mothers outside playgroups, suppose there was a party for one of the children where the parent couldn't take the child would you then using this scenario 'not want the au pair there and for her to 'drop and run'?!

[QuiteLikely5]

Oh do grow up! Honestly in the grand scheme of things it's no trouble is it?

It's nice to be kind isn't it? Or would you not know that.........

Ridiculous problem and you have clearly got to much time on your hands to be worrying about an au pair joining you for a couple of hours per week!

[museumum]

It will all change a LOT when more of you go back to work. You need to sort out "mums catch ups" from "child's play dates" a bit.
Your babies don't know each other but in the next year they will form bonds. My ds just turned 2 at the weekend and he very much knew the antenatal babies that came to his party. He talks about them by name.
I DO understand the need for very intimate female friendships at this stage of motherhood and bringing a stranger into that doesn't work. But your whole group needs to evolve and be more flexible.
How about mums evening drinks now the babies are old enough to be left with dad?

[VerityWaves]

You didn't organise your meet ups so it would accommodate the only working mum
You all sound inconsiderate and rude. Now you're snipping because you don't like this au pair to come along to the meet ups? She is obviously really keen to keep things going so that when you DO decide to be courteous enough to arrange sonething with her, she won't be further lefy out.
You sound pretty mean and cliquey and I don't know why she bothers.

[NutterButtSquash]

Thanks all for your replies, especially those who see where I'm coming from, but even those of you who think I'm horrible and BU - it has made me think a bit about what to do going forward WRT the mum who is back to work.

FWIW my conscience is clear regarding our group's behaviour towards the au pair - we have been nice to her and I honestly don't think she will have felt unwelcome, but of course you only have my word for that as I'm the one there!

I suppose I always knew things would change when we all started going back to work, and maybe this upset of mine with the current situation is a symptom of that, rather than being a problem with the individuals involved. Maybe we do need to fragment off a little earlier than planned and see each other in smaller groups of whoever can make it and on different days of the week.

I think the point about the au pair bringing the baby for socialisation is sort of valid and sort of not. As I've already pointed out, the babies all do lots of different activities all through the week and this meet up for coffee with the mums is just one little thing, so I don't think the baby is missing out. And of course I wouldn't expect anyone to miss out on a party etc. However, I totally would agree that I was BU if the children were older and actually friends with each other - I can well imagine in the future when they are toddlers texting my friend and saying "me and Kelly are taking the kids to soft play tomorrow afternoon, do you want to send AP with Little Johnny?" and there would be no problem there whatsoever and we would chat away merrily because she is a nice girl and the scenario there is more about the kids than about the adults. But the current set-up just is a bit more about the mums than the babies. My son and Little Johnny are very likely going to be in the same class at primary school and I'd be delighted if they were already friends before getting there. But I don't think that this means we as parents should seize every possible opportunity to put them together, especially at 8 and 9 months old!

Anyway, thanks again all. It certainly has been food for thought to read your replies.

And if anyone's interested, I have a 19 year old cousin about to go to uni in Manchester, about 200 miles from home, in a strange place and not really knowing anyone, so if someone in the area could arrange for her to come to meet up with your friends every week, that'd be great

[NutterButtSquash]

Ugh Verity we did try and change to her day off and she declined. And she isn't the only working mum, she is just the first to go back to work. All but one of us will be back to work in the next 3 months or so. And this mum sees some of us (probably the ones she is most close to if I'm honest) when she goes to Waterbabies and stuff.

[derxa]

Absolutely horrible for the au pair. OP you sound awful. I don't remember talking about piles and Tena lady at NCT meetings. I can understand why your 'friend' sent the au pair- she is trying to keep a toe hold in the group for her baby. Not much knowledge of human development either. Of course the baby knows and recognises the other babies and is communicating with them.

[MsJamieFraser]

I dont understand why you cant welcome her to the group tbh, so what your saying is, unless you have given birth, or not a mum, or are not mid 30's then no ones welcome in you "gang"

AS you say she seems nice so why dont you take all the negativity away from her, be open minded and see if that nice lady is actually nice.

yabu glad I am not your friend

[NewLife4Me]

What a load of twaddle.
We didn't have classes when mine were born let alone keep in contact with random people who were pg at the same time.
The world has gone bloody batty.

[cosmicglittergirl]

YANBU
I totally get why you wouldn't want the au pair there, you're out with friends. Do you think au pair mum will understand? I was just out with a couple of NCT friends from DD1 and we had a good catch up with all sorts of chat, someone new would totally change the dynamic. At this stage, it is about you and not the baby.