I was in Asda when my phone rang, the conversation went as follows.
Head teacher "Hello, is that Mrs Pheobe"
Me "yes"
HT "I have something to discuss. In all my years in teaching I have never had to have this conversation with a parent. I really don't know where to start"
Me Okaaay, what is the problem?
HT "I really don't know what to say"
Me "perhaps you should just say it"
HT "Well, I had a child come to my office today with an object that had been put in his bag by your ds".
Me "what was it"
HT "a very large sex toy"
I asked if ds had said where he got it from all the while praying mine was still in my bedside drawer
HT said that DS had said he got it from his younger DBro but in his opinion ds must have ordered it from the internet. I disagreed, ds is far too tight to spend his own money on such a thing plus I would have seen the parcel.
Came home checked bedside table DSs internet history, nothing suspicious. Checked his FB messages and found a conversation with a school friend saying he had a dildo that his little brother had found.
DS came home, we had the conversation 
he was mortified and agreed he had been a prat.
He insisted he had taken it off his 10 year db after finding him playing with it in the garden 
. I questioned younger ds about wether he had found anything unusual that elder ds had taken off him. Younger ds claimed to know nothing. Dragged elder ds back in and said your brother doesn't know what your talking about.
Elder ds says "you know, remember the blue snake". Oh yes the blue snake says younger ds," I didn't find it, Dsis did at the park and she gave it to me".
Drag 8 year old DD in and explain that she shouldn't pick up things when she doesn't know what they are. "But I did know mummy it was a super soft squidgy snake thing".
FFS, I need to bleach all of my dc and send the younger two to a differant school don't I.
I can never show my face in that school again.