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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see this girl again due to her looks?

103 replies

mileend2bermondsey · 02/09/2015 16:50

OK so this is going to sound super shallow but I am genuinely confused as to what to do.

I met a girl through online dating about 2 weeks ago, we chatted everyday, one day til 4am! She seemed so lovely and we just connected immediately. We met for a date last night and as soon as I saw her I felt like just saying 'this isn't going to work.' Her pictures must have been very old or taken from a good angle. She is very, very overweight. On her pics she looked a little overweight but not flat out fat.

I decided to just give the date a chance anyway and we went for dinner. We got on pretty well and I enjoyed myself. But by the end sure I wasn't going to see her again but at the end of the date she kissed me by surprise. She was so soft and tender with the kisses and I really enjoyed it and we spend about 20 minutes kissing. We then went for another drink before going our separate ways.

Now I am confused. I DID have a nice time but I am not physically attracted to her so I can't see the relationship going any further. Shall I just tell her now? If yes should I bullshit a reason or be honest and say I'm not attracted to her? Will she believe me since I spent 20 mins making out with her?

So kinda WWYD really I guess?

OP posts:
KanyeWestPresidentForLife · 02/09/2015 17:47

I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Sex is a big part of a relationship and if you don't find someone physically attractive it won't be enjoyable. Just tell her there was no spark.

Chippednailvarnish · 02/09/2015 17:48

Post your photo OP and then I'll decide...

Theycallmemellowjello · 02/09/2015 17:51

No of course you shouldn't continue to see someone you're not attracted to. Unless you think an attraction might grow I guess. But don't string her along if you're not interested.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 02/09/2015 17:52

OP is getting a bit of a kicking, isnt she? Have none of you lot ever kissed someone and decided they weren't for you?

mileend only you can make the decision really but as long as you are not brutally honest then I think it is fine to tell her you had a great time but don't see it going anywhere.

Gruntfuttock · 02/09/2015 17:55

sugar21 "I wonder what qualifies you to post your thoughts online?"

WTF? Since when do we need qualifications for that? Isn't that what we do here?

Anyway, OP I am also a bit befuddled that you can kiss someone you don't fancy for 20 mins, but if you don't fancy her, you don't.

Fairenuff · 02/09/2015 17:55

It's very odd that you can't decide this for yourself OP. Not exactly a difficult one is it. Should I date someone I don't fancy? Confused

ChilliAndMint · 02/09/2015 17:55

Agree with SaucyJack.

brokenhearted55a · 02/09/2015 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmugairleRoin · 02/09/2015 17:57

YANBU OP. Nothing wrong with not being attracted to people physically, you shouldn't feel bad. I don't see that you've said anything terrible about her here and some of these responses make me Hmm . You fancy what you fancy.

It was a date, it's not like you're married. Just send the woman a nice text saying thanks for the evening but you don't feel any spark. You owe her nothing (other than some basic politeness).

mumofthemonsters808 · 02/09/2015 18:03

Maybe it's me, but no way could I kiss someone for twenty minutes if I wasn't attracted to them. I think I have done pity snogs but I've called it off after a few minutes. However, if you are not attracted to her, don't waste her time, someone else will be.

FyreFly · 02/09/2015 18:19

If you're not attracted to them then you're not attracted to them. There's nothing wrong with that. Just tell her you don't think it's going to work out, wish her well and move on.

Gruntfuttock · 02/09/2015 18:23

Chippednailvarnish "Post your photo OP and then I'll decide..."

What's the point of that comment? The OP isn't claiming to look like a supermodel is she? She is asking 'WWYD' because she was duped by an inaccurate photo in the first place.
Also, there are some extremely nasty posts on this thread. Many of them from people who assumed the OP is a man.

newoldmum · 02/09/2015 18:25

Hang on though, if you as you stated enjoyed her gentle kisses so much you did that for 20 minutes, then actually you were attracted to her weren't you. Maybe not in the physical looks sense, but you enjoyed her personality and the sensation of carrying what is a sexual act with her. So... it is not worth a second thought? What attracts us change vastly when we chose to focus on sensations and feelings, rather than outward looks.

OurBlanche · 02/09/2015 18:27

Oh I don't know! I remembering glomming the face off a few frogs before I found my prince Smile

Sometimes a good snog is just that. Satisfying just as it is.

There is certainly nothing underhand or shameful about it. It leads no one on, makes no promises and shouldn't be mistaken for a marriage/dating contract.

velourvoyageur · 02/09/2015 18:28

Does she want to go out with you again? might be thinking a little prematurely...just saying

Also, you talked till 4am! You seem to have something special, even it's as friends and nothing else :)
Be a pity I think not to see her again at all, never mind what capacity it's in.

I do get that it's a difficult situation though.

steff13 · 02/09/2015 18:30

Am I the only one who finds people more (or less) attractive the more I get to know them?

You don't have to date anyone you don't want to date, but if you kissed her for 20 minutes, it seems like there's some kind of spark there.

itsraininginbaltimore · 02/09/2015 18:32

I'll give the OP the benefit of the doubt, whether he's for real or not is irrelevant really, the answer to the question is still useful.

You can enjoy lots of people's company on all sorts of levels , you can find them warm and funny and interesting but if you don't feel any physical attraction to them t(and especially if there is a level of slight repulsion there) then it won't ever work as a relationship.

So that's it really. She might have become a great platonic friend if you'd met her in different circumstances but as a potential partner she's not a goer, is she?

No need to feel bad about it. You don't have to justify why you don't feel attracted to her. Sometimes there is no reason we even can put our finger on.

Original poster
mileend2bermondsey · 02/09/2015 18:37

you enjoyed her personality and the sensation of carrying what is a sexual act with her
if you kissed her for 20 minutes, it seems like there's some kind of spark there
This is what is confusing me. I enjoyed kissing her but I'm less than excited when I think about having sex with her. I think that and decide 'there's no point' but then I think if we go out more maybe feelings will grow? But I don't want to lead her on even longer IYKWIM.

Does she want to go out with you again?
She's just asked me to go out with her again, so now I really need to make my mind up

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 02/09/2015 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DixieNormas · 02/09/2015 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpendSpendSpend · 02/09/2015 18:50

I think you should see her again.

Attraction is not just visual.

Also attraction is not just instant, it can take time etc

0urKid · 02/09/2015 18:56

I wasn't attracted to my dh when I first met him. I'd known him from work for a while and I went on a date with him as a friend only. We had a snog even though I didn't find him sexually attractive. He messaged me to go out again even though I'd made it clear it was as friends only... Well, that was nearly 13 years and 1 wedding, 2 houses and 3 kids later we're very happy and I love him so much. Dh says he Pete'd me. (Monica and Pete Becker in Friends ) :o

Gruntfuttock · 02/09/2015 18:57

Given your confusion and the fact that she wants to see you again, I think it might be a good idea to go on another date and see how you feel then. Otherwise you might always wonder if you did the right thing and also it would be kinder to her than outright rejection at this stage. No harm in giving it a little more time, it's not as though you're making any commitment by going on a second date after all.

0urKid · 02/09/2015 18:59

Oh and I was (and still am) a big lass if anyone cares.

60sname · 02/09/2015 18:59

OP of course you're not obliged to be attracted to anyone. The old photo/weight would put me off too.

However, I wasn't attracted to DH on date 1 and was gutted because we had a lot in common. However, by date 2 we clicked and haven't looked back.

Maybe try one more date. That is what dating is for - to establish whether you could have something more. It's not unkind unless you make promises you have no intention of keeping.