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AIBU?

To not see this girl again due to her looks?

103 replies

mileend2bermondsey · 02/09/2015 16:50

OK so this is going to sound super shallow but I am genuinely confused as to what to do.

I met a girl through online dating about 2 weeks ago, we chatted everyday, one day til 4am! She seemed so lovely and we just connected immediately. We met for a date last night and as soon as I saw her I felt like just saying 'this isn't going to work.' Her pictures must have been very old or taken from a good angle. She is very, very overweight. On her pics she looked a little overweight but not flat out fat.

I decided to just give the date a chance anyway and we went for dinner. We got on pretty well and I enjoyed myself. But by the end sure I wasn't going to see her again but at the end of the date she kissed me by surprise. She was so soft and tender with the kisses and I really enjoyed it and we spend about 20 minutes kissing. We then went for another drink before going our separate ways.

Now I am confused. I DID have a nice time but I am not physically attracted to her so I can't see the relationship going any further. Shall I just tell her now? If yes should I bullshit a reason or be honest and say I'm not attracted to her? Will she believe me since I spent 20 mins making out with her?

So kinda WWYD really I guess?

OP posts:

Report

itsbetterthanabox · 04/09/2015 23:01

You don't have to burningly fancy someone just by looking at them to go out with them. I assume you want an adult relationship not a term crush? Getting to know a person and bonding with makes them more attractive. Real relationships are not about looks. I've met people I'm not interested in them, got to know them and then that amazing person is attractive.
If you decide not to see her again then learn and Don't get off with people you don't like and don't tell her you don't like her because of her physical appearance. That's your problem not hers.

Violetbeau · 04/09/2015 22:37

Am really at people who assumed op was a man or if they knew she wasn't assumed she'd been hacked. Talk about heteronormativity!

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 04/09/2015 18:27

I think you're really sweet to be so concerned about her feelings.. Most people wouldn't think twice about potentially hurting someone they met online.. So, that alone means she has been lucky meeting you. :)

Did you message her back and decide on a date or no? Either way, you have done nothing wrong IMO.. Loads of luck meeting someone, and ita that some of the replies are pointlessly unkind : /

Gruntfuttock · 04/09/2015 18:07

SoleBizzzz How?

Snoopadoop · 04/09/2015 18:01

I think in this case I'd go out on another date, there was something, you liked her company, you enjoyed the kissing. If after the second date you really feel that you're not compatible then tell her honestly, and kindly.

SoleBizzzz · 04/09/2015 15:49

You used her. Not nice at all.

LovelyFriend · 04/09/2015 15:42

It doesn't sound like that the date was overweight that is the issue, but that she misrepresented herself greatly by using very old photos on her OLD profile. It's quite common and it's not cool.

A friend of mine recently went on a date and it turned out he was more than 25 years older that he represented himself to be in his profile and in the photo he posted!!! Uncool.

Having said that maybe don't snog for 20 minutes next time OP - as that too gives out a clear but misleading signal.

BoredAdminGirl · 04/09/2015 15:38

Some of the replies on here are totally uncalled for. Just plain rude.

You can grow to become attracted to someone but if you are struggling that much then just dont go on any more dates

mileend2bermondsey · 04/09/2015 15:28

Also; setting fire to a laptop is an incredibly dangerous and foolish thing to do, so don't even suggest it as a 'joke'.

OP posts:

mileend2bermondsey · 04/09/2015 15:24

Good grief is there really any need for responses like bessarabiantiger and similar? Jeez.

Thanks to those who gave balanced opinions which fortunately was the majority of replies. It's given me food for thought.

OP posts:

Despondentlyyours · 04/09/2015 10:38

This is the problem with online dating, you feel like you really connect but without actually seeing the person you don't know if you will feel any chemistry.

Also if you are new into kissing women this might explain how nice it felt, try kissing a woman that you are attracted to and fireworks will go off.

Beholdtheflorist · 04/09/2015 09:57

Oh and no, don't tell her why. You don't have to explain why you kissed her, just say its not going to work for you. If she pushes about the kiss just say you got caught up the the moment and leave it at that, because telling her she's an enormous porker isn't going to make any difference to the outcome, other than making her feel like shit.

Beholdtheflorist · 04/09/2015 09:48

That's the downside of Internet dating. All those messages and chats, building momentum and intimacy etc. thinking you know someone when you don't really and can't possibly.

Fwiw, I think you'd have got a more benevolent response had you not mentioned her weight as the issue and I can sort of understand why you ended up kissing her. You're not the first and won't be the last to do that.

But don't see her again. Really, don't. Because everyone should be with someone who thinks 'phwoar' when they see them.

wibbleywee · 04/09/2015 09:26

For goodness sake, a few kisses is a bit different to full on sexual relations. When has it become so un PC to admit that you dont find fat attractive! If you dont fancy her dont go out with her, for her sake not yours.

Queeltie · 04/09/2015 08:22

The woman is better off without you, she can do better. So no, don't see her again.

bessarabiantiger · 03/09/2015 23:53

So here's what you do:

Try very hard in future not to snog someone for twenty minutes that you don't feel attracted to.

Get hold of the laptop or indeed PC you use for dating and/or trolling.

Set fire to said laptop/PC in a safe outdoor location.

Go back to Reddit.

SunshineAndChampange · 03/09/2015 22:59

i dont think you would of kissed her if there was NO attraction. I couldnt kiss someone i really didnt like, i think you should maybe give her a chance, see her a few more times before you make your decision, you may end up falling for her.
I fell for someone who i really wasnt attracted too when i was a teen, ended up losing my virginity to him and being with him for 3years. Hes one of my best friends now.

Reubs15 · 03/09/2015 22:17

You can't help not being attracted to someone.
However, you can help leading them on, kissing them for that length of time and having a closing drink. Not nice of you tbh.
All you need to say is "hi X, I had a nice time the other night but I just don't think we're quite right for each other" or whatever.
She shouldn't have misled you in fairness. But equally I find someones personality more of a turn on than anything else in a long term relationship. Looks fade.

MagicalHamSandwich · 03/09/2015 16:58

Fat is a gendered issue, of course.

That having been said: however bigoted an opinion may or may not be, when it comes to personal and especially physical relationships I'm firmly of the opinion that everyone has a right to discriminate on any basis - rational and ethical or not.

I would never, for instance, want to be friends with - never mind sleep with - a racist. I don't date Tories and beer bellies repulse me.

Why would anyone have to let someone be near them or even touch them just to satisfy some abstract sense of fairness? That's absurd and thoroughly unfair on itself!

MajesticWhine · 03/09/2015 10:59

You enjoyed yourself on the date. I would go again. You are not promising the world, it's just a date.

Bottlecap · 03/09/2015 10:55

Well, I assumed the OP to be a man (hetero lens, I suppose) and I thought it perfectly reasonable to not be attracted to someone who's overweight.

Babycham1979 · 03/09/2015 10:50

Aaaah, good old MN hypocrisy! Every other post was accusing the OP of all sorts of terrible things, until she confirmed that she's female, and then suddenly, it's unanimously a case of, 'well, if you're not attracted to someone, that's fair enough'!

Isn't anyone else curious as to why this is? Is fat only politicised when it comes to heterosexual relationships and - more pertinently - men?

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Aridane · 02/09/2015 20:03

YANBU, OP - and sorry you were subject to some strident sexism when it was presumed you were a bloke.

However - there does seem to be a connection. Perhaps worth another date before ruling out? She may grow on - and sexual attraction isn't always instantaneous...

newoldmum · 02/09/2015 19:30

YY to OurKid and helloelo. My gorgeous Partner is not my previous type. My exh was a fitness model. Guess who the sex is 1,000 x better with?

You never know what you might be missing out on.

helloelo · 02/09/2015 19:26

First time I met DH I thought "no way I'm having sex with this guy". I really wasn't attracted to him at all. Our first snog was fantastic though so I gave sex a go. It was great too. He grew on me no pun intended

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