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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take the furniture that I paid for?

35 replies

MagersfonteinLugg · 01/09/2015 22:42

Split from DH and moved into a private rented house.
Family home ( if you could call it that) was large and spacious so new house much smaller.
I have taken only the stuff that I paid for, which TBF is a lot. It includes the DCs beds, bedding,freezer, fridge freezer, sofas, dining table and chairs, bookcases, TV stands, pictures, etc.
DH now complaining that he is having to buy new stuff to put back in his (family home) as I have 'stolen' it all.
I have the basics whilst he has all the luxuries that he paid for such as plasma tvs and the house itself.
AIBU in taking this stuff? TBH its all a bit tatty and its not like he can't afford to replace it. He has the house FGS what more does he want?

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 01/09/2015 22:48

Well without knowing you and your ex h's financial arrangements we can't answer really.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 01/09/2015 23:00

Without knowing the full story, it's probably fair.

Where do dcs stay most?

Their beds should be in their main home.

Apart from that, if the rest was yours and you left his plasma tvs... I think it's reasonable.

wasonthelist · 01/09/2015 23:31

IIRC from my divorce, the concept of what you paid for and he paid for is largely irrelevant when you marry people, however using lawyers to argue about it would mean selling it all to pay their fees, so, possession being 9/10ths, you're probably in luck.

No idea if YABU as don't have all facts.

ollieplimsoles · 01/09/2015 23:43

I would take it, he's not the one having to pay more for rent each month. Are the dcs living with you mainly? If so they need a proper furnished place.

sykadelic · 02/09/2015 03:45

If you're married, it's all marital so it doesn't really matter who paid for what. Which is good especially in families where the other party doesn't work and therefore would end up with nothing if that were the yard stick.

So yes, I do think YABU to just "take it". You'd be saying the same if he kicked you out and left you with nothing.

FishWithABicycle · 02/09/2015 07:23

Whose bank account the money came from is irrelevant. In the case of a couple splitting up where one had been a SAHP all the cash would have been from the WOH person but that would not mean they got all the furniture. If a couple are splitting who arranged their finances to say one salary goes into an account that is used to pay bills and food, and the other salary goes into an account that is used to buy everything else including furniture and luxuries, that would not mean the second person got to keep all the stuff their salary was spent on.

It's sad when a relationship breaks down and difficult to be reasonable when you are hurting so much but the principle to work on as far as possible is 50 50 for each category of thing unless both of you agree a different plan is sensible for some categories.

FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP · 02/09/2015 07:26

I agree - "I paid for that" is not the way to do it in a married family of long standing.

Lilaclily · 02/09/2015 07:27

If the dcs are staying with you most of the time you should have stayed in the marital home
Taking fridges etc is very petty
And leaving the kids there beds in their dads house would have been the nicest thing to do

XCChamps · 02/09/2015 07:29

I think you're letting yourself be short changed. He doesn't get to keep the house (or the plasma TV) just because he paid for it - unless that suits you both.

Is the value of what you've taken similar to what he's kept?

FrancesOldhamKelseyRIP · 02/09/2015 07:37

Yes where are the DC? If you've "taken" them why didn't you kick him out and stay in the family home? If you haven't taken them then obviously you'd be hugely unreasonable to take the beds. If you're going for any degree of shared residency then new beds need to be bought but not necessarily by XH - surely it would be more efficient to get the new beds delivered straight to your new place rather than go to the expense/effort of moving the old ones to another house then having new ones delivered to old house.

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 02/09/2015 13:29

The DCs are with me of course. As Ive been a SAHM I stupidly thought I could rely on DH to be fair but our whole marriage ended up with his money paid for mortgage so his house. The DCs and I were pretty much lodgers to all intents and purposes.
I used the CB to pay for food and all the DCs clothes, toys etc. I paid for the majority of the furniture because, left to DH they would never have had new beds, drawers, desks for their bedrooms. So most of it came from my odd part time jobs that he insisted had to fit in with the DCs schooldays as he wasnt prepared to give up his evenings or weekends to "allow" me to find work then.
I have seen a solicitor who did inform me that I am legally entitled to take 50% from the marriage, but I knew he would fight me tooth and nail and just wanted to get out and make a fresh start. When I told him that I wanted to leave and what the solicitor had told me, he immediately reminded me that I owed him £200 from 13 years ago. I realised in that second that my contribution to 15 years of marriage (cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare) was invisible to him and that as my monetary input was minimal then I should get nothing out of the split.
So, knowing I couldnt afford to furnish a new place elsewhere I just took what I had paid for, nothing else.
He has the £200k house. I managed to persuade him to let me have the car instead of child maintenance as I needed it to get the DCs to school.
Sorry if Ive missed anything.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/09/2015 13:33

YABU in that you are being short-changed. Are you sure you don't want to claim some of the equity in the house? Apply to the CSA (or whatever it is called now) for child maintenance payments at least (no matter what you "agreed" with him).

Oswin · 02/09/2015 13:35

Op you cant let him get away with not paying maintenance. A car? That's not even your fair share of the house.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/09/2015 13:38

Really? You're going to need a financial settlement in the divorce and his opinion of your contribution is not really important when the law says different.

I'd be expecting 50% plus child maintainence as a minimum. And I'd take it, not get whatever stbxh decided to bestow.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/09/2015 13:39

Half his pension too :)

AyeAmarok · 02/09/2015 13:40

Eh... I really think you need to get a new lawyer.

You are being shafted.

And go to the CSA about maintenance, it's your children's right and you and he both owe them the privilege (ha) of being supported by both parents.

ArcheryAnnie · 02/09/2015 13:43

YANBU, except, dear god, I'd have taken the telly as well, if he got the sodding house.

StatisticallyChallenged · 02/09/2015 13:53

Yanbu to have taken some furniture, at all.

YABVU to accept this settlement. If it is not signed, sealed and 100% delivered then do not agree to this. You're short changing you and your kids.

Car instead of maintenance is a joke.

BlahBlahUsername · 02/09/2015 13:55

Why are you accepting so little? Stop seeing it as 'yours' and 'his', especially as he is being so incredibly selfish. Fight for what is fair for your children.

coveredinsnot · 02/09/2015 14:03

No wonder you've ditched this man. He sounds like a complete arse. Get some decent advice from a decent lawyer and get what you're actually fairly owed.

Lucked · 02/09/2015 14:06

Why are you also seeing your contribution to the marriage in purely monetary input, you know you are worth more than that.

Lawyer up about the house ASAP and if the car in now only in your name go to csa, he has children and he is responsible for them. Don't listen to his whinging his bad mood is not your problem!

I would write down a list of assets still left in the house whilst you remember, include things that you might not think of like tools, lawnmower, his gadgets etc.

Lucked · 02/09/2015 14:08

Oh yes movingup is right don't forget his pension!!

Theycallmemellowjello · 02/09/2015 14:23

Oh my god. Please, please do not let him just have the £200k house! Yes divorce proceedings can be costly and stressful, but if you're talking about these kinds of sums then it has to be worth it. You owe it to your children to get your property (ie potentially 50% of the value of the house) back. Why raise your kids in unnecessary penury? Good luck. Please don't make any concessions to your dh, orally or in writing, get back in to the solicitor and go forward from there.

AnUtterIdiot · 02/09/2015 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomSocks · 02/09/2015 14:45

a solicitor ... did inform me that I am legally entitled to take 50% from the marriage

Make sure you get your full 50%, OP. Half the house and half the pension included, plus child maintenance.

YANBU to have taken the furniture. Well done for getting out.