AIBU to think that he needs to step up when it comes to bedwetting

[CrazyClean]

Hello Mumsnetters! Ive followed this page for a while now, but this is the first time I have posted, so please bear with me. It might be a long one! I want to know AIBU about bedwetting! My other half has a 6 year old son, who wets the bed every night. Not just once but several times. It doesn't wake him or bother him at all. This in itself isn't the problem so much as the complete lack of acknowledgment from anyone. What gets me most is at 6 years old, the child is more than happy to sit in his own soaked pyjamas for an hour or more, and he feels no disgust or need to change, address the problem etc. Most of the time he wears pull ups, he will wake in a morning and wander around, play, eat breakfast in soaked pants (through the pull ups which means that urine and germs are being spread across the home) and it doesn't bother him. Surely he should feel uncomfortable or something? I have addressed it with his Dad and he just gets defensive and says it is perfectly normal to wet the bed at 6. My research and experience says that at 6 it should not be several times a night, every night, without fail and he should not be comfortable in wet clothes the way he is.
Neither my OH or his ex discipline the child in any way and he is extremely spoiled and indulged. I cannot think of a time when he has ever heard no or had any consequences for bad behaviour. This bed wetting seems to be a symptom of the same thing. Nobody wants to mention to him that bed wetting needs addressing, so he sees nothing wrong with being wet. Why would he, no one has ever told him different! My OH moved in with me a few months ago and I have 2 children (8 & 11 girls). we have a constant battle to ensure that all children are treated equally. My OH has been on board but I see him get defensive when his son is expected to do the same age appropriate tasks as my 2 girls (Things like sorting washing or clearing/setting the table). But when I mention the bed wetting, I just get shut down. Today is the last day of holidays for my girls.I have just gone downstairs to find that he has wet the bed, soaking through as he had not worn pull ups. The bed, quilt and mattress are soaked and I am expected to strip and clean it instead of enjoying the last day with my girls. If the issue was being addressed and we were working towards a solution I would feel differently, but it is being ignored. AIBU to think that this should be being addressed by both parents and that the boy should himself be ready to be dry?

Regarding the different rules, you should (probably already do it?) make it clear that there are rules in your house, which may be different from his mother's, but at yours he must follow your rules. Children can adapt easily.

How hard do you think it would be to go for residency? Would his dad contemplate it?

Maybe his dad doesn't think he should do any chores as it's 'women's work' ?

Op you have had lots of advice on here are you actually going to implement any?

Lweji Tue 01-Sep-15 12:40:12

Regarding the different rules, you should (probably already do it?) make it clear that there are rules in your house, which may be different from his mother's, but at yours he must follow your rules. Children can adapt easily.

How hard do you think it would be to go for residency? Would his dad contemplate it

It would be easy enough to do and we have discussed it. But he seems scared to take the steps required. Through his short life she has never once taken him to an appointment for docs or dentist etc. Even when he was in hospital under GA to have a tooth removed she asked his parents to do it. we can prove that he is with us more than her and she is not engaged in his life. However OH has it in his head that LO needs to be 7 to make his own decision in the eyes of the law. But there is also a fear of his ex. I often say she has him by the balls and uses LO as a weapon. She will fight tooth and nail as at the moment she has tax credits, Child Benefit and £650 a month from my OH! She is on a gravy train that would be reversed if she gave up residency.

HI Aqualady! YEs lots of advice and support on here. I am certainly going to push OH into doing the cleaning until it is sorted. But mostly I am going to look at helping the LO in a loving and gentle way. The more I think about him and the size of the issues for such a little one, it breaks my heart. BW is just the tip of the iceberg. I will work with him one on one, to clean himself up and try to limit drinks, pee before bed etc. OH has received a firm text instructing him to buy mattress protectors etc. Its also good to hear from other parents who have experienced it. Its not as uncommon as I had originally thought! Thanks everyone! There is a lot I can start on tonight! x

Good luck !

Crazyclean has you partner considered having his son full time?

My 10 yr old DSD wets the bed. She is mortified about it however much we both reassure her that it's not her fault.

We tried an alarm which her mum wouldn't use and she has now been on pills the last year which isn't ideal (for her) but meant she was able to go on a school residential which was great.

It is hard and there are no easy answers but the last thing you should do is make the child feel ashamed or humiliated or as if it's not their fault.

Maybe go on the NHS website and get some advice on how to support your partner to help his son.

OP, you do understand that being dry at night can't be taught, don't you?

This is reliant on a hormone that eventually gets released that halts the production of urine at night.

Oh & regardless of what is said here, DO NOT get him to clean it up! How is that helping him? He isn't doing it on purpose, his body just hasn't released the hormone that helps with it, by making him clean it up you are attaching a shame to it, imo.

His parents should be cleaning it up after him, if he was pissing all over the house on purpose, that's different. But he isn't doing that, is he?

Don't make them feel as if it IS their fault sorry

try to limit drinks Bad idea. His bladder needs to get used to holding volumes, so restricting drinks isn't a good idea. (and I speak as someone whose niece had a wetting problem until she was 10)

pee before bed Yes, but no lifting, as that encourages the body to wee while asleep.

Just to confirm what others have said:

Encourage day time drinking. We reward DS for every glass of drink he drinks during the day by the end of teatime.

Encourage having a wee before bed. Don't start "lifting" - he needs to learn to wake up to go to the loo if he needs to go in the night. Lifting will just prolong things.

Remove any (large) drink immediately pre-bedtime if possible - but don't stress too much about it and allow to have a drink if he needs it.

OP, your DSS reminds me very much of my own DS who is that age. My DS has similar issues - which seem to be related to his autism. The thing is, many children who experience additional challenges - whether through a medical condition, family circumstances, etc - will react in these kinds of ways. Your approach of loving gentleness sounds well-judged to me. Give him an extra squeeze from me .

The Explosive Child could be worth a read if you want insight into how to reduce the hours-long tantrums.

Differentname - we used to get ds1 to help change his bedding, when he wet the bed during the night. This was partly because he was in a bunk bed, and it was a darn sight easier for him to put the new sheet on than for dh or I to do it. But we got on with sorting out his duvet etc, whilst he did that - and we did our best not to make it seem like changing the bed was any sort of punishment.

I do think it is a good idea to help this lad learn how to clean himself up - just so that he can get up in the morning and make himself comfortable before going downstairs.

I had to have plastic backed bed sheets, I can imagine cleaning up my soaking bedding was unpleasant for my parents, but I was never chastised for wetting the bed.. Although the child should be washed thoroughly in the morning and not be allowed to wander around the house covered in urine..
Patience is the key here..

The fact that your stepson wets the bed every night is not nearly as serious as the fact that he is apparently allowed to spend several hours daily in urine- soaked clothes: that is neglect, pure and simple, and would be registered as such by social services.
You are right to be concerned. It is not usual for a child of this age to bed-wet with such frequency without the causes being investigated ; again this signifies neglect and you need support to deal with this issue.

firstly bedwetting at 6 is quite normal.
secondly boys don't find sitting in wet clothes as disgusting as girls.
I learnt that the hard way having a ds after a dd. my ds is also 6, we only got him dry at night about 6 months ago and during the day we still need to remind him to use the toilet. he tries to hold it as long as he can until he leaks and you suddenly see a wet patch developing in his crotch. i cannot understand how he can sit there in wet pants and trousers but my ds is not fazed at all by it. he just doesn't care. oh and he is not spoilt in anyway.
Meh boys! girls don't like dirt, girls like cleanliness. completely separate species (and i don't always think that changes much as they grow into adults )

Of course your dp doesn't see it as a problem, he's not dealing with all the wet sheets and washing.

Get him to sort it all out every day I'm sure he'll soon want a solution.

My ds wets too, he is encouraged to put his own pj's in the washing basket and to strip the sheet.
I put a clean pair of pj's by his bed for the morning so he can change himself.
Fwiw I think you need to get rid of the pull ups, ds used to use them and he would sit in them in the morning if he could and It turned out wee in them rather than use the toilet so we thought they were doing more harm than good and his brain needed a bit of re training.
He still wets the bed but not as often and gets up sometimes to do a wee so we are getting there.

Your dp sounds a bit incompetent tbh let him was 2 sheets and 2
Pj's and soon a duvet as its getting colder and get them dry! I bet he soon changes his tune

Goblin, you misunderstand. Its not hours every day. 5 days a week he is up for school, and we wake him & change him. He never has any accidents through the day ever. At a weekend when he is here he will get up earlier than anyone else. He seems to enjoy getting control of the remote to himself as he likes different programmes to the girls. (As I do once the LO's are all in bed, Kids TV drives me up the wall!). I don't know why he doesn't wake us or anyone else, but it is at this time that he will sit for an hour or more in soaked clothes. I don't think it is anywhere near neglect or time for social service.

I am taking on the advice of others on here about giving him a private routine in a morning, so he is not embarrassed. I just spoke to OH about this thread and he has agreed to talk to LO tonight. He is stopping at Dunelm on the way home to get spare bedding, waterproof protectors and some disposable bed mats. I still think that, as I look at the bigger picture the child has some issues that would indicate this is an emotional issue, not a physical one.

At no time have I wanted to portray that I think it is the LO's fault or that he is in the wrong or should be punished. I want my OH to acknowledge it and do something, as him ignoring it and hoping it will go away will not work. I asked him if he has discussed it with the ex and he has, but she apparently thinks it is not an issue until he reaches 9 or 10! At least we have started the ball rolling with this advice on here, so thank you so much everyone for your honesty and support!

Right, if he's getting up first then get some clean pjs out the night before and put them in the bathroom or in his room. Explain to him that when he wakes, if he's wet, then he should strip off and wash as best he can and then put on the nice dry ones you are leaving out for him.

Then his dad can get up and deal with all the wet stuff.

Dad sounds a bit like my dp with his dd, only child, very spoiled in that everything is done for her and being with me and my kids has been a culture shock. I expect her to do things for herself here, not be waited on hand and foot. When she was 9 he was still putting her shoes and socks on for her while my six year old was doing her own. :o

He needs to stop babying him. The bedwetting will stop in time but a bit of research on fluid intake and when he should stop drinking at night might help if he's doing it several times a night. His mattress must stink.

Makes me laugh that he has to pay her so much per month when he spends most of that with you both. I would personally make a note of every day he is with you and see if it can be reduced. If with you half then time then surely your partner would need half of that amount to feed/clothe is son iyswim.
But you're right about him being her cash cow. The poor little bugger probably learned long ago not to wake his mother or complain about being wet. Be interesting to know how older sons behave.

To be fair, the Ex is right if she is talking about being referred to a Paed consultant about bed wetting. It obviously differs in different hospitals but many won't see them until they're 9/10. However, she isn't right to do nothing about the soiled clothes the following morning.

Crazy It could be emotional rather than physical. Still the way to proceed is gentle gentle - as you are.

DS was dry in the night at 4yo. But when he finished nursery - literally the night of the day he finished nursery - he started wetting, and barely had a dry night since. We had the GP check him out after a week or so, and she said nothing physical, and to use pull ups.

DS's first couple of years at school were full on (investigation and eventual diagnosis for ASD, DSIL terminally ill and dying, school getting classroom support "right"), so we waited until a more settled period before trying to tackle it.

Youve had plenty of very good advice so far so not sure what else to add on the bewetting pov apart from the fact that I have a 10yo that was wetting his bed everyday, the way you describe it until a few months ago... So maybe brace yourself about it (dc2 would have also wet his pull up so much that his pjs would be wet etc...)

Definitevely have your DH get up to help him, change the bed etc... and plenty of waterproof sheets to put on the top of the mattress.

I have no idea why but dc2 would also not have woken up if wet (or a long time afterwards when he is getting cold).
He would also have been happy to stay in wet pull-ups at that age. In the case of dc2, I suspect that one part of it would have been the embarrassment of saying he was wet and being worried to wake us up at night (now at age 10yo, he will actually chang his whole bed on his own at night wo waking us up despite us telling repeatedly he CAN and SHOULD wake us up...)

The other thing I have noticed is that you say your dss has taken 'bad habits' from being overindulged by his mum but he actually spends most of his time at his dad's. At that, I would say that, regardless of who is the RP on paper, your DH has the fantastic opportunity to parent him appropriately and to act as a RP (or a parent for that matter) would do. Just grab it, regardless of the paperwork the WT or the maintenance!

On a practical level, I recommend double making the bed. Waterproof sheet, ordinary sheet, waterproof sheet, ordinary sheet. We also have something a bit like this that we sometimes use on top and take when we're away.

My DS is 12 and not fully dry at night. Since the age of about 6 he has changed his wet clothes and then woken me. I never make an issue of the wetting, but I do expect him to keep himself clean and help him do that.

We have a range of coping strategies for sleepovers and cub camps etc