AIBU to think that he needs to step up when it comes to bedwetting

[CrazyClean]

Hello Mumsnetters! Ive followed this page for a while now, but this is the first time I have posted, so please bear with me. It might be a long one! I want to know AIBU about bedwetting! My other half has a 6 year old son, who wets the bed every night. Not just once but several times. It doesn't wake him or bother him at all. This in itself isn't the problem so much as the complete lack of acknowledgment from anyone. What gets me most is at 6 years old, the child is more than happy to sit in his own soaked pyjamas for an hour or more, and he feels no disgust or need to change, address the problem etc. Most of the time he wears pull ups, he will wake in a morning and wander around, play, eat breakfast in soaked pants (through the pull ups which means that urine and germs are being spread across the home) and it doesn't bother him. Surely he should feel uncomfortable or something? I have addressed it with his Dad and he just gets defensive and says it is perfectly normal to wet the bed at 6. My research and experience says that at 6 it should not be several times a night, every night, without fail and he should not be comfortable in wet clothes the way he is.
Neither my OH or his ex discipline the child in any way and he is extremely spoiled and indulged. I cannot think of a time when he has ever heard no or had any consequences for bad behaviour. This bed wetting seems to be a symptom of the same thing. Nobody wants to mention to him that bed wetting needs addressing, so he sees nothing wrong with being wet. Why would he, no one has ever told him different! My OH moved in with me a few months ago and I have 2 children (8 & 11 girls). we have a constant battle to ensure that all children are treated equally. My OH has been on board but I see him get defensive when his son is expected to do the same age appropriate tasks as my 2 girls (Things like sorting washing or clearing/setting the table). But when I mention the bed wetting, I just get shut down. Today is the last day of holidays for my girls.I have just gone downstairs to find that he has wet the bed, soaking through as he had not worn pull ups. The bed, quilt and mattress are soaked and I am expected to strip and clean it instead of enjoying the last day with my girls. If the issue was being addressed and we were working towards a solution I would feel differently, but it is being ignored. AIBU to think that this should be being addressed by both parents and that the boy should himself be ready to be dry?

[OliviaM91]

I wet the bed until the month before I started secondary school, I was 10 years old. My mother was disgusted by me and would refer to me as someone else's child. Shame is the worst thing a child can feel about this issue, he's not doing it intentionally. Six isn't that old.

Perhaps you could lay some spare clothes out and gently let him know that when he wets the bed and wakes up in the morning he can take off his wet clothes and put them in the washing basket. I think the key is that he shouldn't feel judged by you, if he genuinely hasn't been taught to take off his wet clothes then that isn't his fault.

You and your other half could come up with a plan to get his little boy into a routine, no drinks after 7pm, if you wet the bed remove the sheet and change your clothes etc. More robust mattress covers will be useful.

[FlowersAndShit]

Poor kid. Do you think he may be being abused at home? I know bed wetting can be caused by a number of things like abuse or stress/anxiety. Also he may be autistic or have SN. You mentioned not liking being hugged etc which is why I thought of those things. He also sounds like he is being neglected by his mum.

[CrazyClean]

FlowersAndShit, I don't think he is being abused but I think he is emotionally neglected at home. I have questioned if he has SN, but come back to the fact that he is just a kid who has not been shown any different. My OH is so guilty about LO situation at home he over compensates. His parents are just as bad. As an example DSS demands constant attention from the adults he trusts (OH and his parents) and they give it to him. I have lost count of the amount of times we have been in conversations and he interrupts, and they jump to his attention. So rude of the adults, LO doesn't know any better as he has never been told. His little face was so shocked the first time I asked him to wait until the adults had finished talking! They just cannot between them bring themselves to say or do anything that may upset him in the slightest, as he already has enough upset at home. I see where they are coming from, but it does him no good in the long term. Children need to learn about what is acceptable socially and disappointment etc. On everyone elses birthday he picks the cake and blows out the candle, as they have taught him that it is all about him. Convincing my OH that other people are allowed birthdays without LO getting cake, presents etc is hard work. So we have a 6 year old that doesn't have to do anything for himself, any chores, have manners with adults and is rewarded daily with presents and trips out. Yet when you ask him to do any tasks, he is happy and eager. Its the OH and his parents that pull the faces. I fear for his future socially as I mentioned he has no friends to speak of and does not socialise well outside of the 3 adults in his life (MIL does put the mother in smother!!!)

[KevinAndMe]

Overtired can I ask what you are doing for sleepover and camps?
As I said before, dc2 is still not dry at night but he will go away with school this year and tbh I'm dreading it a bit. The last thing I want is for him to be feel unconfortable/be ridiculed because of that.

[IsItMeOr]

Crazy This really is sounding like bedwetting isn't the biggest challenge for DSS.

You and OH need to reach an agreement - that you are both comfortable with - about how to parent DSS.

A lot of what you say rings true for how DH and I parent DS. We do pick our battles. But we have the long run in mind - we want DS to be able to live independently when he is an adult, so we think about the one or two things that we are going to focus on now.

DSS may not be doing all the things that your DDs were doing at his age - but then maybe they haven't had quite the experiences that DSS has. It doesn't matter so long as he is making progress from where he actually is now.

There are lots of gentle techniques that will help you and OH to move DSS along - but you first need to reach an agreement that the shared goal is to move DSS along, and what 1 or 2 things you are going to work on first.

[OvertiredandConfused]

I do tell a member of staff / helper about the problem and ask if DS can have a bed either near the door or in a slightly more private area.

He usually agrees to wear night time pants - baggy PJs and a large wash bag (in case there isn't a discrete bin). He always has a bottle of water that he can have "spilled" if he needs to explain a damp patch. Finally, two pairs of the same PJs make any change less obvious.

Pack lots of plastic bags - small ones for clothes / night time pants and larger ones for bedding / sleeping bag.

If he's there more than one night and wets on anything other than the last night, he has to tell a pre-agreed adult.

As he's older, he's also more sensible about trying to regulate his drinking in the evening.

If he's going to a friend's house, I tell the mum in advance and offer a waterproof protector (discretely). No-one has ever had one as they have their own, just appreciate the warning. He has wet at a friend's house. He texts me and I tell the mum in the morning so, again, very discrete.

Also, two very close friends do know and are nothing but supportive. They aren't always around but it helps when they are.

[GreenPetal94]

My son was dry at night 7. His younger brother was dry at night at 3. He will get there, you all need patience.

[GurlwiththeCurl]

DS2 was dry at night before 3, DS1 was not dry until 23! (He has ASD amongst other things). Anyway, we became pretty expert at dealing with wet beds.

Waterproof mattress cover x 2, waterproof duvet cover x 2, waterproof pillow covers (number depending on how many pillows he uses). Lots of spare sheets. All of these so that you have lots of spare bedding when it needs to be washed. Then, to save money long term, washable mattress pads with wings that tuck under the mattress. If these come out because your DSS wriggles a lot at night, then you can get straps that look a bit like suspenders from places like Bettaware. These hold the wings of the pad under the mattress.

We also had DS sleep nude as that kept wetness to the minimum. He doesn't like wearing clothes much anyway, so that was no problem!

We never made him feel bad about wetting and he was on medication for years. We also tried all of the bells and buzzers, which do work well for some children.

Anyway, he got there in the end and is now pleased as punch. Good luck, I am sure you will crack this quickly and things will turn out OK for you all.

[HaydeeofMonteCristo]

The dad should strip the bed and sort it out. If you aren't allowed an opinion about helping the situation, you shouldn't be the one dealing with the consequences.

[Purplepoodle]

It sounds like there's lots going on and honestly in your dp position I too would struggle not to spoil my son if his mum's flake. Could u make reward/chireu charts up for everyone so dss has to do the same things around the house as his step sisters and can then get the reward when pil can take him out ect

[Purplepoodle]

Chore charts

[Flomple]

Just another thought re the bedwetting, does he drink much during the day? Sometimes daytime wetting can be hidden by children drinking little during the day. Once they increase fluids to what they should be drinking (6-8 decent drinks a day), it becomes obvious that they can't really control their bladders except by limiting fluids. And in this little boy's case, regular dribbles in his pants might possibly be missed.

Hopefully he is fine in the daytimes and it is just the night time hormone issue, but with him wetting several times a night it makes me wonder if it might be more complicated.

I absolutely agree his dad needs to step up but in a supportive way. I am loathe to advise as above really because this shouldn't be left to you just because you're female. But anyhoo.

I think you've taken this on board but shame/disgust is absolutely not something you want to encourage. It'll come soon enough, and then you will have a crushed ego to deal with on top of the laundry issue. It's really kicking in for DD now at 8 and it makes everything harder. But she is still in no rush to get out of her pull up in the morning, it feels fine to her.

Lastly DD was at enuresis clinic from 5 for daytime wetting, which we only noticed when we upped her daytime drinking to help with her bed wetting. Don't be put off getting help by people saying their clinic only took their child from 7. It depends on the clinic and the child.