AIBU to think that he needs to step up when it comes to bedwetting

[CrazyClean]

Hello Mumsnetters! Ive followed this page for a while now, but this is the first time I have posted, so please bear with me. It might be a long one! I want to know AIBU about bedwetting! My other half has a 6 year old son, who wets the bed every night. Not just once but several times. It doesn't wake him or bother him at all. This in itself isn't the problem so much as the complete lack of acknowledgment from anyone. What gets me most is at 6 years old, the child is more than happy to sit in his own soaked pyjamas for an hour or more, and he feels no disgust or need to change, address the problem etc. Most of the time he wears pull ups, he will wake in a morning and wander around, play, eat breakfast in soaked pants (through the pull ups which means that urine and germs are being spread across the home) and it doesn't bother him. Surely he should feel uncomfortable or something? I have addressed it with his Dad and he just gets defensive and says it is perfectly normal to wet the bed at 6. My research and experience says that at 6 it should not be several times a night, every night, without fail and he should not be comfortable in wet clothes the way he is.
Neither my OH or his ex discipline the child in any way and he is extremely spoiled and indulged. I cannot think of a time when he has ever heard no or had any consequences for bad behaviour. This bed wetting seems to be a symptom of the same thing. Nobody wants to mention to him that bed wetting needs addressing, so he sees nothing wrong with being wet. Why would he, no one has ever told him different! My OH moved in with me a few months ago and I have 2 children (8 & 11 girls). we have a constant battle to ensure that all children are treated equally. My OH has been on board but I see him get defensive when his son is expected to do the same age appropriate tasks as my 2 girls (Things like sorting washing or clearing/setting the table). But when I mention the bed wetting, I just get shut down. Today is the last day of holidays for my girls.I have just gone downstairs to find that he has wet the bed, soaking through as he had not worn pull ups. The bed, quilt and mattress are soaked and I am expected to strip and clean it instead of enjoying the last day with my girls. If the issue was being addressed and we were working towards a solution I would feel differently, but it is being ignored. AIBU to think that this should be being addressed by both parents and that the boy should himself be ready to be dry?

[Flomple]

Just another thought re the bedwetting, does he drink much during the day? Sometimes daytime wetting can be hidden by children drinking little during the day. Once they increase fluids to what they should be drinking (6-8 decent drinks a day), it becomes obvious that they can't really control their bladders except by limiting fluids. And in this little boy's case, regular dribbles in his pants might possibly be missed.

Hopefully he is fine in the daytimes and it is just the night time hormone issue, but with him wetting several times a night it makes me wonder if it might be more complicated.

I absolutely agree his dad needs to step up but in a supportive way. I am loathe to advise as above really because this shouldn't be left to you just because you're female. But anyhoo.

I think you've taken this on board but shame/disgust is absolutely not something you want to encourage. It'll come soon enough, and then you will have a crushed ego to deal with on top of the laundry issue. It's really kicking in for DD now at 8 and it makes everything harder. But she is still in no rush to get out of her pull up in the morning, it feels fine to her.

Lastly DD was at enuresis clinic from 5 for daytime wetting, which we only noticed when we upped her daytime drinking to help with her bed wetting. Don't be put off getting help by people saying their clinic only took their child from 7. It depends on the clinic and the child.

[Purplepoodle]

Chore charts

[Purplepoodle]

It sounds like there's lots going on and honestly in your dp position I too would struggle not to spoil my son if his mum's flake. Could u make reward/chireu charts up for everyone so dss has to do the same things around the house as his step sisters and can then get the reward when pil can take him out ect

[HaydeeofMonteCristo]

The dad should strip the bed and sort it out. If you aren't allowed an opinion about helping the situation, you shouldn't be the one dealing with the consequences.

[GurlwiththeCurl]

DS2 was dry at night before 3, DS1 was not dry until 23! (He has ASD amongst other things). Anyway, we became pretty expert at dealing with wet beds.

Waterproof mattress cover x 2, waterproof duvet cover x 2, waterproof pillow covers (number depending on how many pillows he uses). Lots of spare sheets. All of these so that you have lots of spare bedding when it needs to be washed. Then, to save money long term, washable mattress pads with wings that tuck under the mattress. If these come out because your DSS wriggles a lot at night, then you can get straps that look a bit like suspenders from places like Bettaware. These hold the wings of the pad under the mattress.

We also had DS sleep nude as that kept wetness to the minimum. He doesn't like wearing clothes much anyway, so that was no problem!

We never made him feel bad about wetting and he was on medication for years. We also tried all of the bells and buzzers, which do work well for some children.

Anyway, he got there in the end and is now pleased as punch. Good luck, I am sure you will crack this quickly and things will turn out OK for you all.

[GreenPetal94]

My son was dry at night 7. His younger brother was dry at night at 3. He will get there, you all need patience.

[OvertiredandConfused]

I do tell a member of staff / helper about the problem and ask if DS can have a bed either near the door or in a slightly more private area.

He usually agrees to wear night time pants - baggy PJs and a large wash bag (in case there isn't a discrete bin). He always has a bottle of water that he can have "spilled" if he needs to explain a damp patch. Finally, two pairs of the same PJs make any change less obvious.

Pack lots of plastic bags - small ones for clothes / night time pants and larger ones for bedding / sleeping bag.

If he's there more than one night and wets on anything other than the last night, he has to tell a pre-agreed adult.

As he's older, he's also more sensible about trying to regulate his drinking in the evening.

If he's going to a friend's house, I tell the mum in advance and offer a waterproof protector (discretely). No-one has ever had one as they have their own, just appreciate the warning. He has wet at a friend's house. He texts me and I tell the mum in the morning so, again, very discrete.

Also, two very close friends do know and are nothing but supportive. They aren't always around but it helps when they are.

[IsItMeOr]

Crazy This really is sounding like bedwetting isn't the biggest challenge for DSS.

You and OH need to reach an agreement - that you are both comfortable with - about how to parent DSS.

A lot of what you say rings true for how DH and I parent DS. We do pick our battles. But we have the long run in mind - we want DS to be able to live independently when he is an adult, so we think about the one or two things that we are going to focus on now.

DSS may not be doing all the things that your DDs were doing at his age - but then maybe they haven't had quite the experiences that DSS has. It doesn't matter so long as he is making progress from where he actually is now.

There are lots of gentle techniques that will help you and OH to move DSS along - but you first need to reach an agreement that the shared goal is to move DSS along, and what 1 or 2 things you are going to work on first.

[KevinAndMe]

Overtired can I ask what you are doing for sleepover and camps?
As I said before, dc2 is still not dry at night but he will go away with school this year and tbh I'm dreading it a bit. The last thing I want is for him to be feel unconfortable/be ridiculed because of that.

[CrazyClean]

FlowersAndShit, I don't think he is being abused but I think he is emotionally neglected at home. I have questioned if he has SN, but come back to the fact that he is just a kid who has not been shown any different. My OH is so guilty about LO situation at home he over compensates. His parents are just as bad. As an example DSS demands constant attention from the adults he trusts (OH and his parents) and they give it to him. I have lost count of the amount of times we have been in conversations and he interrupts, and they jump to his attention. So rude of the adults, LO doesn't know any better as he has never been told. His little face was so shocked the first time I asked him to wait until the adults had finished talking! They just cannot between them bring themselves to say or do anything that may upset him in the slightest, as he already has enough upset at home. I see where they are coming from, but it does him no good in the long term. Children need to learn about what is acceptable socially and disappointment etc. On everyone elses birthday he picks the cake and blows out the candle, as they have taught him that it is all about him. Convincing my OH that other people are allowed birthdays without LO getting cake, presents etc is hard work. So we have a 6 year old that doesn't have to do anything for himself, any chores, have manners with adults and is rewarded daily with presents and trips out. Yet when you ask him to do any tasks, he is happy and eager. Its the OH and his parents that pull the faces. I fear for his future socially as I mentioned he has no friends to speak of and does not socialise well outside of the 3 adults in his life (MIL does put the mother in smother!!!)

[FlowersAndShit]

Poor kid. Do you think he may be being abused at home? I know bed wetting can be caused by a number of things like abuse or stress/anxiety. Also he may be autistic or have SN. You mentioned not liking being hugged etc which is why I thought of those things. He also sounds like he is being neglected by his mum.

[OliviaM91]

I wet the bed until the month before I started secondary school, I was 10 years old. My mother was disgusted by me and would refer to me as someone else's child. Shame is the worst thing a child can feel about this issue, he's not doing it intentionally. Six isn't that old.

Perhaps you could lay some spare clothes out and gently let him know that when he wets the bed and wakes up in the morning he can take off his wet clothes and put them in the washing basket. I think the key is that he shouldn't feel judged by you, if he genuinely hasn't been taught to take off his wet clothes then that isn't his fault.

You and your other half could come up with a plan to get his little boy into a routine, no drinks after 7pm, if you wet the bed remove the sheet and change your clothes etc. More robust mattress covers will be useful.

[OvertiredandConfused]

On a practical level, I recommend double making the bed. Waterproof sheet, ordinary sheet, waterproof sheet, ordinary sheet. We also have something a bit like this that we sometimes use on top and take when we're away.

My DS is 12 and not fully dry at night. Since the age of about 6 he has changed his wet clothes and then woken me. I never make an issue of the wetting, but I do expect him to keep himself clean and help him do that.

We have a range of coping strategies for sleepovers and cub camps etc

[KevinAndMe]

Youve had plenty of very good advice so far so not sure what else to add on the bewetting pov apart from the fact that I have a 10yo that was wetting his bed everyday, the way you describe it until a few months ago... So maybe brace yourself about it (dc2 would have also wet his pull up so much that his pjs would be wet etc...)

Definitevely have your DH get up to help him, change the bed etc... and plenty of waterproof sheets to put on the top of the mattress.

I have no idea why but dc2 would also not have woken up if wet (or a long time afterwards when he is getting cold).
He would also have been happy to stay in wet pull-ups at that age. In the case of dc2, I suspect that one part of it would have been the embarrassment of saying he was wet and being worried to wake us up at night (now at age 10yo, he will actually chang his whole bed on his own at night wo waking us up despite us telling repeatedly he CAN and SHOULD wake us up...)

The other thing I have noticed is that you say your dss has taken 'bad habits' from being overindulged by his mum but he actually spends most of his time at his dad's. At that, I would say that, regardless of who is the RP on paper, your DH has the fantastic opportunity to parent him appropriately and to act as a RP (or a parent for that matter) would do. Just grab it, regardless of the paperwork the WT or the maintenance!

[IsItMeOr]

Crazy It could be emotional rather than physical. Still the way to proceed is gentle gentle - as you are.

DS was dry in the night at 4yo. But when he finished nursery - literally the night of the day he finished nursery - he started wetting, and barely had a dry night since. We had the GP check him out after a week or so, and she said nothing physical, and to use pull ups.

DS's first couple of years at school were full on (investigation and eventual diagnosis for ASD, DSIL terminally ill and dying, school getting classroom support "right"), so we waited until a more settled period before trying to tackle it.

[Verbena37]

To be fair, the Ex is right if she is talking about being referred to a Paed consultant about bed wetting. It obviously differs in different hospitals but many won't see them until they're 9/10. However, she isn't right to do nothing about the soiled clothes the following morning.

[ijustwannadance]

Makes me laugh that he has to pay her so much per month when he spends most of that with you both. I would personally make a note of every day he is with you and see if it can be reduced. If with you half then time then surely your partner would need half of that amount to feed/clothe is son iyswim.
But you're right about him being her cash cow. The poor little bugger probably learned long ago not to wake his mother or complain about being wet. Be interesting to know how older sons behave.

[coffeeisnectar]

Right, if he's getting up first then get some clean pjs out the night before and put them in the bathroom or in his room. Explain to him that when he wakes, if he's wet, then he should strip off and wash as best he can and then put on the nice dry ones you are leaving out for him.

Then his dad can get up and deal with all the wet stuff.

Dad sounds a bit like my dp with his dd, only child, very spoiled in that everything is done for her and being with me and my kids has been a culture shock. I expect her to do things for herself here, not be waited on hand and foot. When she was 9 he was still putting her shoes and socks on for her while my six year old was doing her own. :o

He needs to stop babying him. The bedwetting will stop in time but a bit of research on fluid intake and when he should stop drinking at night might help if he's doing it several times a night. His mattress must stink.

[CrazyClean]

Goblin, you misunderstand. Its not hours every day. 5 days a week he is up for school, and we wake him & change him. He never has any accidents through the day ever. At a weekend when he is here he will get up earlier than anyone else. He seems to enjoy getting control of the remote to himself as he likes different programmes to the girls. (As I do once the LO's are all in bed, Kids TV drives me up the wall!). I don't know why he doesn't wake us or anyone else, but it is at this time that he will sit for an hour or more in soaked clothes. I don't think it is anywhere near neglect or time for social service.
I am taking on the advice of others on here about giving him a private routine in a morning, so he is not embarrassed. I just spoke to OH about this thread and he has agreed to talk to LO tonight. He is stopping at Dunelm on the way home to get spare bedding, waterproof protectors and some disposable bed mats. I still think that, as I look at the bigger picture the child has some issues that would indicate this is an emotional issue, not a physical one.
At no time have I wanted to portray that I think it is the LO's fault or that he is in the wrong or should be punished. I want my OH to acknowledge it and do something, as him ignoring it and hoping it will go away will not work. I asked him if he has discussed it with the ex and he has, but she apparently thinks it is not an issue until he reaches 9 or 10! At least we have started the ball rolling with this advice on here, so thank you so much everyone for your honesty and support!

[Griphook]

Of course your dp doesn't see it as a problem, he's not dealing with all the wet sheets and washing.

Get him to sort it all out every day I'm sure he'll soon want a solution.

My ds wets too, he is encouraged to put his own pj's in the washing basket and to strip the sheet.
I put a clean pair of pj's by his bed for the morning so he can change himself.
Fwiw I think you need to get rid of the pull ups, ds used to use them and he would sit in them in the morning if he could and It turned out wee in them rather than use the toilet so we thought they were doing more harm than good and his brain needed a bit of re training.
He still wets the bed but not as often and gets up sometimes to do a wee so we are getting there.

Your dp sounds a bit incompetent tbh let him was 2 sheets and 2
Pj's and soon a duvet as its getting colder and get them dry! I bet he soon changes his tune

[notaprincessbutaqueen]

firstly bedwetting at 6 is quite normal.
secondly boys don't find sitting in wet clothes as disgusting as girls.
I learnt that the hard way having a ds after a dd. my ds is also 6, we only got him dry at night about 6 months ago and during the day we still need to remind him to use the toilet. he tries to hold it as long as he can until he leaks and you suddenly see a wet patch developing in his crotch. i cannot understand how he can sit there in wet pants and trousers but my ds is not fazed at all by it. he just doesn't care. oh and he is not spoilt in anyway.
Meh boys! girls don't like dirt, girls like cleanliness. completely separate species (and i don't always think that changes much as they grow into adults )

[GoblinLittleOwl]

The fact that your stepson wets the bed every night is not nearly as serious as the fact that he is apparently allowed to spend several hours daily in urine- soaked clothes: that is neglect, pure and simple, and would be registered as such by social services.
You are right to be concerned. It is not usual for a child of this age to bed-wet with such frequency without the causes being investigated ; again this signifies neglect and you need support to deal with this issue.

[frankbough]

I had to have plastic backed bed sheets, I can imagine cleaning up my soaking bedding was unpleasant for my parents, but I was never chastised for wetting the bed.. Although the child should be washed thoroughly in the morning and not be allowed to wander around the house covered in urine..
Patience is the key here..