AIBU to think that he needs to step up when it comes to bedwetting

[CrazyClean]

Hello Mumsnetters! Ive followed this page for a while now, but this is the first time I have posted, so please bear with me. It might be a long one! I want to know AIBU about bedwetting! My other half has a 6 year old son, who wets the bed every night. Not just once but several times. It doesn't wake him or bother him at all. This in itself isn't the problem so much as the complete lack of acknowledgment from anyone. What gets me most is at 6 years old, the child is more than happy to sit in his own soaked pyjamas for an hour or more, and he feels no disgust or need to change, address the problem etc. Most of the time he wears pull ups, he will wake in a morning and wander around, play, eat breakfast in soaked pants (through the pull ups which means that urine and germs are being spread across the home) and it doesn't bother him. Surely he should feel uncomfortable or something? I have addressed it with his Dad and he just gets defensive and says it is perfectly normal to wet the bed at 6. My research and experience says that at 6 it should not be several times a night, every night, without fail and he should not be comfortable in wet clothes the way he is.
Neither my OH or his ex discipline the child in any way and he is extremely spoiled and indulged. I cannot think of a time when he has ever heard no or had any consequences for bad behaviour. This bed wetting seems to be a symptom of the same thing. Nobody wants to mention to him that bed wetting needs addressing, so he sees nothing wrong with being wet. Why would he, no one has ever told him different! My OH moved in with me a few months ago and I have 2 children (8 & 11 girls). we have a constant battle to ensure that all children are treated equally. My OH has been on board but I see him get defensive when his son is expected to do the same age appropriate tasks as my 2 girls (Things like sorting washing or clearing/setting the table). But when I mention the bed wetting, I just get shut down. Today is the last day of holidays for my girls.I have just gone downstairs to find that he has wet the bed, soaking through as he had not worn pull ups. The bed, quilt and mattress are soaked and I am expected to strip and clean it instead of enjoying the last day with my girls. If the issue was being addressed and we were working towards a solution I would feel differently, but it is being ignored. AIBU to think that this should be being addressed by both parents and that the boy should himself be ready to be dry?

[Verbena37]

It also looks like with all of the changes and break up of his family, that he needs loads of love and cuddles. its perhaps all a bit much for him to take on board and confusing. I'm sure you're really kind towards him and lots of love and reassurance might even help with the wetting problem a bit too.

[LeChien]

It's unusual for a 6 yr old child to passively let everything be done for him, I would think.
How does he manage in school with eating (using knife and fork), going to the loo, getting on with peers?

[TheUnwillingNarcheska]

Nettle love your name

Crazy you have to establish a routine, which would be when the child wakes he wakes his Dad and his Dad strips him and sorts out a shower etc.

Ds1 wasn't dry at night reliably till he was 11. He did not produce the hormone vasopressin which reduces urine production at night. The hormone means the bladder does not get full and therefore does not need emptying. I was not prepared to drug my child every night with Desmopressin in order to achieve night time dryness.

Have a look on the ERIC website for information on how much liquid a child should drink in a day to increase their bladder capacity.

Also we have waterproof mattress protectors on all our beds in this house. My waters broke in my bed, the protector saved the mattress.

You can get alarms for bedwetting, we found it helped.

Wetting the bed is very common it is just that people don't talk about it. But children need to know what to do when it happens. Worryingly it sounds as though this poor boy has been taught Mummy and Daddy do not want their sleep interrupting hence why he doesn't wake anyone up even in the morning.

[LeChien]

I don't think it's disgust that triggers potty training, but the sensory awareness that they have wee'd/poo'd and the sensory awareness that if left it feels uncomfortable.

[Verbena37]

TheUnwillingNarcheska is so right. It made me sad to think about your last sentence......that sounds very much like it. Poor little boy.

[LyndaNotLinda]

You can do double layer waterproof sheet/sheet then another on top. But I find boys wee up as well as down so that doesn't always work.

But you shouldn't be changing his sheets - your DP should. I think that's the real issue here - the gulf between your parenting styles.

[Lweji]

I'd be giving my OH marching orders if he expected me to strip urine soaked mattresses and have a child in urine soiled clothes walking around. He should be dealing with at least most of it.
If you are becoming a family, then it's natural for you to assume some of it, but not most of it, nor when steps are not taken to limit the soiling and the work associated with it.

Firstly, make sure he gets proper mattress protectors, and then that any soiling is put to wash immediately after getting up. He should be taught this. He should also make a wee immediately before bed and limit the liquids for one hour before bed.

Urine is sterile, so that wouldn't be a problem for me, but it's still full of uric acid, which is not pleasant.

[ijustwannadance]

The kid shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed about the bed wetting, but it's disgusting that op's dp and ex don't clean up/change their son as soon as he gets up. If your dp is at home when bed/child needs changing tell him to do it! And the child might not be able to control his bladder at night but at 6 with no sn he can certainly take some responsibility for himself regarding getting changed and helping change beds. Telling him he needs to get cleaned up before breakfast is perfectly acceptable.
Bed wetting is normal, being raised spoilt and lazy is parents fault.

[Littlefish]

Crazyclean you said " I would like to have a go myself at getting him dry without going to the doctors. "

The ability to be dry and night is driven entirely by the presence of a hormone. If your dp's son doesn't have that hormone present then he will not be able to be dry at night. There is very little you can do, apart from the basic guidelines about avoiding squash drinks with certain colourings etc.

Until he is 7, the GP is unlikely to do anything regarding referral to an enuresis clinic.

In the meantime, have a look at the ERIC website which has some useful ideas on continence.

I think it is entirely reasonable to expect your DP's son to change out of his wet pull-up and pyjamas as soon as he wakes up.

It is also entirely reasonable to ask for his help in stripping the bed and loading the washing machine. Not do it by himself, but certainly help his dad to do it.

Unfortunately, unless your dp is on board with making these changes, it is extremely unlikely that you will make any progress.

I worry about a relationship where both parents have such different parenting styles and fear for the future happiness of the children within that relationship.

[TheUnwillingNarcheska]

Verbena it is the thought of him padding round in leaking pull ups that is so upsetting.

Ds1 woke us every single night, and every single night we stripped his bed (always wet the duvet as well as the sheets) and every single night, we gave him a quick wash down, changed the bedding - always have a spare set ready to go, and tucked him back into a nice clean and dry bed.

He started bursting out of nappies and pull ups at 5 so we ditched them. And I mean literally burst the filling out of them they were so full. Ds2 was dry at night from 2 1/2.

I wet the bed as a child and was made to feel ashamed because somehow I could not do stuff in my sleep that other children could do, like control your bladder.

[Aqualady]

I think your dp needs to get up early and deal with his Ds. Knowing he is very likely to be sat in wee soaked clothes and bed linen and still sleeping in is not on, regardless what time his ds wakes. It is lazy parenting.

There is no shame in bed wetting but he should be feeling the need to strip out of the wet clothes by six. Your DP should absolutly be on the ball and encouraging it, ie getting his arse out of bed to clean him up.

What about going back to basics and doing a late night wee trip to the toilet? Limiting evening drinks to before 5pm?

If be concerned about the closing down of difficult conversations and see it not as a great sign for future problems regarding anything else that may come up. Regardless if he wants to discuss it with you he has to, your living with each other, it effects you.

Does dp wash his bedding or do you ?

[ijustwannadance]

How come dp doesn't think it's normal bahaviour for his son to do tasks/chores for himself?

[CrazyClean]

if im really honest I think that his BW is emotional. His Mum has 2 other older boys to different Dads that they don't see. Therefore they are at home with Mum 7 days a week However she offloads the little one at any given opportunity to my OH (we have him 3 nights a week and all of the school holidays, and any extra she can get in) or his parents who have him a couple of nights also. when he is with us he has a good family life but he must feel the rejection from his Mum. I don't know why he doesn't wake us.
LeChien - I know from school reports that he gets on very well at school when it comes to working, and doing things for himself. It is only because he gets everything done for him at home he allows it. He is just a child and doing what any child would do. I do believe from him that he doesn't have many, if any friends at school. He interacts with lots of children but doesn't have a set peer group, which is not unusual at 6. I have tried to show him as much love as I can but he does not accept any physical affection from me. I have never had a cuddle with him as he will not, just says no. He is the same with anyone except his Dad and grandparents. Its easier for me to see a pattern in his behaviours and interactions, and connect them to his home life than it is my OH. He admits that he parents in the wrong way and says it is out of guilt about not being at home with him full time. He is a great Dad doing the wrong things for the right reasons!

[alphabettyspaghetty]

my step son is exactly the same. He was quite happy to sit in his own urine till one of us woke and sorted him out. I think it was historic from not wanting to wake mummy due to her wanting sleep.

He got dry in his own time at 7.5.

I made the point one day of putting his mattress out in the garden as the smell was awful. I then told my OH he was going to take the mattress to the tip and then go and buy his son a new mattress and new protective layers and if he didnt make the bed in these protective layers he would be purchasing a new mattress each and every time he wet the bed. I think the funding thing threw him a little bit. So he went and bought a new mattress, new mattress protectors etc and we have put this in place. SS has responded well to the new mattress and will happily get up and change his own sheets in the morning and put them in the washing machine.

He's now dry completely and its a relief but it was hard work for a while. It does get easier.

[IsItMeOr]

We have just managed to get 6yo DS (mostly!) dry at night.

We decided to try to crack it over the summer holidays, so we went cold turkey without the pull ups...and ended up with a wet bed every morning and sometimes in the middle of the night.

We had been loathe to place too much pressure on DS, but when talking to him about needing to go back to pull ups because we were going away on holiday, and wouldn't be able to change every night, we realised that it had not occurred to DS that it was actually a problem having a wet bed every morning. From that point on, he has been dry apart from the occasional night. We have also started giving him a point on his reward chart for each dry night.

Our survival strategy was pull-ups, disposable bed protectors, and a complete change of bedding and pjs always ready to go in the middle of the night. Your OH should be taking responsibility for this if he is not prepared to do anything else.

[CrazyClean]

He has a tendency to let the tail wag the dog. He will often ask the little one what we are doing that day, where we are eating etc. He has full control of everything. I am slowly changing it by introducing firstly that he has to consider other members of the family, and secondly that the adults are in charge, not children. So suggestions are welcome but decisions are made by us. he can tantrum for hours if he doesn't get his own way. Probably because it has produced results before. My OH feels so much guilt about the family life he has with his Mum he over compensates and to a certain extent tries to keep him a baby as long as possible!

[Lweji]

However she offloads the little one at any given opportunity to my OH (we have him 3 nights a week and all of the school holidays, and any extra she can get in)



Isn't his dad happy to have him around?

[MythicalKings]

It seems more like his mother is not happy to have him around

[Lweji]

But if the dad (and his partner) consider he is being offloaded to them, it doesn't sound a very welcoming environment.

Why isn't considered that his dad offloads him to his mother when he doesn't have him?

[CrazyClean]

Both of us would have him full time if we could. I honestly think it is for financial reasons she wont let him go full time. We have had him for weeks at a time without her seeing him, and it has not bothered her one bit. Its so sad. I think he needs routine and love, the rest will follow.

[thehypocritesoaf]

Your dp sounds like a lazy arse.

[CrazyClean]

The way I see it is that she offloads him. We are more than happy to have him. Its sad when she makes arrangements with her other two children and doesn't include the little one. Its like she genuinely cannot be bothered with raising him, like he is an inconvenience. Anything we do here is undone in 1 day by her. For example washing his hands before dinner. He joined my girls in it no problem. Then he comes back from his Mums and says, Mum says I don't have to do it!! From all accounts she is not the cleanest of people, which probably adds to the problem of LO not seeing a problem with being wet.

[Lweji]

You may be right in that he feels neglected by his mum. But it may well have nothing to do with his bed wetting. I really wouldn't assume that, as many children aren't dry at night at his age. It's mostly something you have to manage for now, rather than try to fix.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

If I were you, CrazyClean, I would stop doing all the clearing up of the wet bed - your OH needs to step up and do his share of that. I would recommend getting a good, waterproof mattress protector (or maybe even two), so that you can keep the mattress dry. Boots do good ones, if I recall correctly.

Ds1 went back to bedwetting at 7 years old, and it carried on for several years. In the end, we used a bedwetting alarm, which did almost completely solve the problem - it went from a nightly occurrence, sometimes more than once a night, to occasional.

We also found it helped to 'lift' him, last thing at night (we usually did it around 11pm - midnight, just before we switched our lights off to go to sleep). I know that it isn;t always recommended, because children often end up weeing half asleep, when you lift them, and that isn't a good habit - but on a purely practical level, it did help reduce the number of wet beds, especially once we'd used the eneuresis alarm too.

I don't know if you have talked to the boy yourself, or whether you are waiting for his dad to step up - but if you haven't, I think I would start a conversation with him yourself, and explain that it isn't nice to sit around in urine-soaked clothes - for him or for anyone else who has to cope with cleaning up after him - and that what you'd like him to do when he gets up is to take off his wet pyjamas and pull up, and have a wipe with some baby wipes, then put on clean underwear, and either get dressed or put on clean pjs. You could put a washing basket and a pedal bin in his bedroom, so he can put the wet clothes and pull ups in them.

Explain it will be more comfortable for him, and you know he is a big boy who can do this - no criticism, just a set of practical advice for him on how to cope.

Ds1 did eventually grow out of his bedwetting. Because he was older, it was considered a medical issue, and we did have some advice from the local Eneuresis clinic - but what actually solved it was hiring an eneuresis alarm (via the internet, iirc). We did carry on lifting him, for ages after using the alarm, because we thought it helped prevent the occasional wet bed that he did still have - but eventually bit the bullet and stopped lifting him - and he was completely dry from then on.

I am sure that your dss will be dry in his own time - but in the meantime, his parents need to step up to help him deal with it - and your OH needs to help you with the necessary cleaning. And if they won't teach him how to look after himself and clean himself up, I think you need to. In a kind and caring way - but someone needs to do it.

Apologies if you have already explained to him what he needs to do.

[CrazyClean]

Lol Hypocritesoaf, he is lazy. working on that daily! I am the opposite, love everything clean and tidy all the time. Probably a bit too obsessive sometimes. Okay not probably, I am. I have to accept that people are different and find middle ground. But some things are not up for compromising on, and the BW is one. Not for me but for the sake of the LO!