To wonder what lengths you'd have gone to to be a parent?

[justwondering2015]

Would you have considered:

• going it alone (if you hadn't met someone)
• IVF
• adoption
• surrogacy

I realise for most people the above is hypothetical?

Thank you :)

Alone - no, I grew up without a father and wouldn't want to wish that on any child even if it meant I had to sacrifice my own happiness. (sorry) I wanted children but it wasn't the bee and end all for my life.

IVF - yes, if it took me ages to conceive and I was totally sure I could myself emotionally through it. Though the trouble hasn't been the conceiving for me, more the miscarriages (I have had 5).

Adoption - yes, we were seriously considering it after my 3rd miscarriage when trying for DC2. I would certainly not rule it out for the future.

Surrogacy - no, we looked into this option with great depth after my miscarriages and there were far too many cons for it too be worthwhile, not to mention the cost.

I think I would have done whatever it took. It took IVF. I remember when we had been trying for a while but hadn't had any tests yet, I watched a programme about IVF and I thought it looked horrible and that it really wasn't for me and I wouldn't want to go down that route. But when I found out that IVF was the only way I would ever get pregnant, I had to do it. It wasn't something I even felt I had a choice about. I think if it hadn't worked, I would have considered adoption or surrogacy. But I felt a really primal need to be pregnant and have a biological child, so I would have had to try and get over that first. I never needed to consider going it alone as I was lucky enough to meet DP young, but am almost certain I would have if things had been different. Although as other people have pointed out, I didn't know how hard it was until I had one!

For the record, IVF was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting. And in my case, 100% worth it.

The thing about IVF is that most people don't just jump into it. Of course if you're single, have a clear cause of infertility or in a gay couple it's different. But for many you thonk 'well I'd have a blood test if it helps me get pregnant' then you have an ultrasound, then a hsg maybe, then try clomid, then you think 'I've come this far, IVF is just the next stage'.

It is hard on the mind and body. It is not a magic cure and still fails for many people. But it's got a place and can be very successful.

Can I ask why people wouldn't have ivf?

I don't like needles, it's an emotional roller coaster because of the hormone fluctuations, it may lead to cancer, it can kill you right away (quite rare but possible), it most often doesn't work: and most of all I never wanted kids that bad.

Not making a statement what others should do. Those are just my reasons.

Can I ask why people wouldn't have ivf?

I wasn't bothered about having a baby. If it happened it happened and if it didn't it didn't. You have to really want a baby to go through the emotional and physical roller coaster of IVF, and I didn't care either way.

My reasons are exactly the same as bunbakers .

Not sure about surrogacy, but we struggled to conceive DC1 and were looking into adoption and IVF. Having a family was/is v important to both of us. I'd have probably gone it alone if I'd got to an age where it was unlikely that I was going to meet someone and conceive. A single woman at my work had already gone through that process and it was a very happy, successful one.

No to all but adoption.

IVF would mean surgery for DH, which could have a massive impact on his overall health. We've had so many friends go through IVF with no success and seen the emotional turmoil they're now in. It just wasn't for us. DHs consultants also advised against it because of the huge disruption to routine.

We are in the application process for adoption now. We specifically didn't want a baby. Our LA said they aren't taking applications from anybody looking for an under 2yr old now. They seemed really quite happy that we would ideally like a 3-4yr old.

Adoption became something we seriously considered when my brother died. He lived abroad and was a single dad to my nephew. At one point he was to come to England, and if that had happened he would have lived with us. I've supported him through everything in the way I think best appropriate (he's autistic) and I love him with every fibre of my body.

yeoldetrout Natural drug-free (with no needles, drugs etc) IVF exists. I did it. It happened to be the only cycle for me that was successful.

I don't know what I would have done to have a family.

Probably whatever it took knowing me.

Can you link, Elsie? Is it available on NHS?

I really am not that maternal, certainly wouldn't fork out thousands in treatment (not a comment on anyone else's choices).

I will PM you as I have name changed due to the joy of the recent MN hack

Not "mild IVF" you mean? That seems to still involve drugs, needles, low success rate, high cost.

It seems like there are a lot of other fertility enhancement things that can be cheap & cheerful. I would have tried those (I think).

Pretty much what FloralNomad said. I wasn't particularly fixated on having a child, and neither was DH. We decided to see if we could conceive when we were both just shy of 40, well aware it might not work, and I conceived the first month, to our shock.

Obviously I will never know how we would have felt if we hadn't had a baby immediately, and perhaps we would have become far more wrapped up in wanting one, but when we started ttc, we were both in agreement that if it didn't happen without assistance within a year, we weren't going to pursue it in any other way. I think it's pretty likely we would have stopped thinking about it and moved on to other things.

Best wishes to you, OP.