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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what lengths you'd have gone to to be a parent?

114 replies

justwondering2015 · 28/08/2015 09:04

Would you have considered:

  • going it alone (if you hadn't met someone)
  • IVF
  • adoption
  • surrogacy

I realise for most people the above is hypothetical?

Thank you :)

OP posts:
Pobspits · 28/08/2015 10:34

I was fairly young when i had dc so never really thought about it. However I always wanted kids...

Going it alone: yes but only if I had family nearby
Adoption : yes. Considering it now.
IVF: I don't know the ins and outs of IVF tbh. Would think so but not entirely comfortable with not using some embryos etc.
Surrogacy: not sure would be too worried they'd change their mind.

GoooRooo · 28/08/2015 10:34

I'm so surprised so many people wouldn't go down the IVF route. Can I ask why?

Tiggeryoubastard · 28/08/2015 10:35

whyami thanks. Flowers
I'm on a train and there's someone trying to read over my shoulder here. Not relevant but hope she sees this.

Shockers · 28/08/2015 10:36

I have 2 adopted children (now teens), through choice, not infertility (we were their foster carers and fell in love Smile). They are wonderful kids and have put me and DH through less angst than a lot of my friends' children! It's not a process that is without risks, so you will be given worst case scenarios. Look into attachment and how it can be helped; be proactive, rather than reactive and remember that they have no reason to be 'grateful'!

It's not the solution for everyone, but we have a fantastic family that we're really proud of.

Tiggeryoubastard · 28/08/2015 10:37

I've seen two strong relationships break up, with all the stress of IVF. And the toll it took on both of them, especially the women. Yes, I have also seen one couple breeze through it, but when it's bad, it's bad.

Thurlow · 28/08/2015 10:38

Going it alone - maybe. With hindsight, seeing how hard and relentless it an be (sorry) even with two of us and supportive families, I certainly wouldn't chose to be a single parent. But then, perhaps I would have rearranged my life and moved nearer my parents to make it happen.

Certainly I have to be quite negative and say that having a child almost completely alone i.e. without family support close by, would be so insanely hard.

IVF, surrogacy, someone else's sperm - yes, I'd do them.

I wouldn't adopt, though. I know I wouldn't be right for it, and it wouldn't be fair on the child.

Original poster
justwondering2015 · 28/08/2015 10:39

I wonder if that happens with more than one child (finding it hard/relentless?)

Or perhaps it depends on the baby.

OP posts:
WhyAmISoDaft · 28/08/2015 10:41

Tigger I hope she does! Grin

JustHavinABreak · 28/08/2015 10:43

The one thing I always knew I wanted in life was to be a mother. I am really blessed because I have a wonderful DH and two DC. I hope we'll even have another one. If everything was different though and I hadn't met my DH I would have done anything except probably surrogacy. I think I would always fear that a child would be hurt that their birth mother deliberately became pregnant but didn't raise them.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 28/08/2015 10:50

I'd go it alone over the others. I love the thought of adoption, but don't think I'd cope well emotionally. IVF and surrogacy are both a no

Andcake · 28/08/2015 10:55

Interestingly I would have gone it alone before I met dp if I'd known how much happiness ds would bring.
I would love another but have gone into early menopause 42 ????????????????????????

If I was you I would get a fertility test to work out the reality of your situation

Original poster
justwondering2015 · 28/08/2015 10:57

The reality is using donated sperm (legally through a clinic) does involve some sort of fertility treatment; not necessarily IVF of course. Checks were fine two years ago - may have changed, and I have known fertility as have been pregnant once before.

OP posts:
BadgersBum · 28/08/2015 11:13

Definitely wouldn't have considered going it alone, I had a string of relationships of varying lengths, but didn't judge any of the men involved to be the right one to have a child with, which is why I ended up having my first child at 35, wanting to be married and settled was pretty much carved in stone for me.

We might have looked into adoption/IVF, was quite lucky to get caught with DS straight after we got married.

Did want another but fate doesn't seem to want that and I'm 42 and perimenopausal now, decided we would rather spend money on the child we have than on IVF which can be a gamble.

Siesta · 28/08/2015 11:21

I've gone it alone using donor sperm. I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant. I also had IVF to up my chances. I was told that using donor sperm I had a less than 15% chance of getting pregnant but with IVF it was 50/50 at my age (39).

I would have considered adoption but I live abroad and think the process would have been really difficult, especially as a single mum.

I'm not sure I would have considered surrogacy but I might have after all other avenues had been explored.

LobsterQuadrille · 28/08/2015 11:37

I agree with a previous poster who said something about wanting what you have. I wasn't intending on being a single parent but when I fell pregnant (planned) ex H gave me a choice of him or the baby as he'd changed his mind and wanted to wait a couple of years. There wasn't a choice at all as I desperately wanted children - he's not really been seen since, I had DD overseas so no family at all, I worked full time and came back to the UK when she was five and she's nearly 18. We have just come back from a fantastic week away and I cannot imagine having as good a time with anyone else, or having a man around all the time. You just make the best of what you have and I can honestly say that it's not been that hard for most of the time. Another year and she'll be leaving home for Uni and I will a) miss her but b) be happy for her and c) have some freedom again.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/08/2015 11:44

Never would have 'gone it alone'. Not naturally maternal, but my partner really wanted children. We've been lucky enough to conceive naturally.

If it hadn't happened, I would have gone through IVF for him, or a surrogate. The being pregnant bit wasn't at all appealing to me anyway, and it really isn't a barrel of laughs now I'm going through it. Wouldn't have hurt me to see another woman carry my child, personally.

Would never considered adoption. Those who do, I highly admire them. The process itself is a nightmare. Also, of all the adopted people I know, only one doesn't seem to be an 'angry' person, who resents the fact they were given up at birth. I'm not a big enough person to deal with that.

TheLightsWinning · 28/08/2015 11:47

going it alone (if you hadn't met someone)
Yep, I'd have given this consideration if I'd been in a good enough financial position...
IVF
Yep, I'd have considered this, as well as egg/sperm donation
adoption
Yep.
surrogacy
Yep.

While I totally get the whole "want what you have" school of thought, for me, I'd have always felt uneasy if I hadn't exhausted every avenue, as being a mum has always been the one thing I've been unshakeably certain I wanted in life. Thats a totally personal thing though.

gabsdot45 · 28/08/2015 11:56

I don't think you know what lengths you will go to until you are in the situation and feel the desperate, need to have a child. It's completely overwhelming and all consuming.
DH and I were unable to have biological children. We went through IVF and then a very difficult adoption process. During the adoption we worried that we would not be approved and we came up with all kinds of schemes to enable to to have a child, including selling up and moving to Africa to do humanitarian work and trying to adopt a child there.

We were happily able to adopt 2 children and now I wouldn't change a thing. Life without children was not an option for us.

Floralnomad · 28/08/2015 11:56

I wouldn't have gone to any of those lengths , if we hadn't conceived naturally there would have been no children here .

wannaBe · 28/08/2015 12:05

The thing is that everyone's reasons and choices are different and even the reasons why they might make those choices. Also, my reasons don't necessarily reflect on what I think of someone else's but they are still my reasons, iyswim. so in my case:

Going it alone:

With a sperm donor? absolutely not because I personally have moral objections to sperm/egg donation. Again, what other people choose is their choice, but it's not something I would ever contemplate.

Had I found out I was pregnant and the relationship ended then yes, because I could never terminate a pregnancy. But I wouldn't choose to have a child as a single parent.

IVF:

No. It was something me and now xh talked about when we were ttc dc2 and for me it was a rollercoster which I could see that once you started would be difficult to stop. If I could have been sure I could say that e.g. we would just have one round and stop at that then perhaps, but then I was faced with the possibilities that i might have more embrio's than for just one round, and could I stick with my decision and destroy those after one round? I didn't think so, so in my case it wasn't for me.

Adoption:

Perhaps. again, when ttc dc2 we talked about it briefly, but as I am VI the reality is that I would be unlikely to be allowed to adopt in this country, and therefore it wasn't something which we could ever give serious consideration to.

Surrogacy:

No. Again, I have some serious moral issues with surrogacy and all that entails. Again, whatever works for others is their thing, but it wasn't something I would ever even consider. Equally I would never be a surrogate for someone else.

dreamcometrue · 28/08/2015 12:06

Due to the government changing the guidelines for adoption a couple of years ago a hugey amount of people went through the adoption process so (particularly with under 5's) in some areas/with some types of children adopters outweigh children waiting to be adopted. This heavily hangs on what you and your social worker agree you can deal with eg unknown birth parent medical history, mixed race, possibility of fas etc etc.

The rest is complete rubbish though! I'd look at another la if it was me (you don't have to go with the la you live in)

EsmetheWitch · 28/08/2015 12:17

I wouldn't have done anything to have children if I hadn't conceived naturally but I've never had an urgent to have children.

My DH would have left me, without doubt, to have a biological child, if interventions didn't work.

scarlets · 28/08/2015 12:48

Ive never had a problem conceiving so could.ny possibly say for sure what I'd do. I don't believe that anyone in my position could.

I will hazard a guess that I'd give all those options a go, but that I wouldn't allow it to take over a decade of my life as some poor couples do - I'd try to deal the cards I'd been dealt and enjoy my time on this earth, however long or short that might be, without obsessing about what I couldn't have. As I said though, this is not an informedanswer, just what I perceive the sensible approach to be.

Good luck to all of you trying to conceive/adopt.

MoonriseKingdom · 28/08/2015 13:12

Going it alone I really thought about. At 30 I was desperately broody and had been single for a very long time. This was through a combination of being quite shy and working in a very female dominated work place. I decided to give online dating a serious go putting my ceiling at 35 for finding a long term partner. After that I think I would have gone for it by myself. I was fortunate to meet my now DH 2 years later and had a DD at 35. Now I have a child with a supportive partner the idea of being a single parent is quite scary (although a friend of mine is an amazing single mum).

IVF - used to think no. Have now seen friends go through it with a happy outcome. If I had needed it and qualified for NHS funding I would have felt I had to try it, although not sure how my DH would have felt.

Adoption - used to be very keen until I had some personal experience of the assessment procedure. It seems so intrusive and judgemental, I am not sure I would be strong enough.

Surrogacy - i have no close female relatives of a suitable age. I can only imagine this with someone I was very close to. If I had a sister I would hope I would do this for her if needed and she for me. Of course this is all theoretical.

Bluestockings35 · 28/08/2015 13:41

I'm single and 40 weeks pregnant. I chose to be a single mum using a sperm donor through a clinic and got pregnant on the first try using a IUI (natural cycle) so consider myself very lucky. If you are seriously thinking about going down this route look at the single mothers by choice groups (yahoo groups I think) and maybe post there - you'll get responses from people at various different stages, though mostly they are in America.

There isn't really a good space on MN for single mothers by choice, which is a shame because I'm sure there are a few of us here but the types of posts on the lone parent board seem to reflect a very different experience, being dominated by issues relating to ex partners. I'm expecting it to be easier to be a single parent in a planned way than if a relationship breaks down unexpectedly because I'm setting myself up from the beginning to parent alone and there isn't the trauma for parent and child of dealing with the relationship breakdown, but at the same time there have been moments during pregnancy that have been difficult - mostly because people just see a pregnant belly and assume there is a husband/partner and it's getting very old trying to deal with that, but something I'm clearly going to have to get used to.