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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder what lengths you'd have gone to to be a parent?

114 replies

justwondering2015 · 28/08/2015 09:04

Would you have considered:

  • going it alone (if you hadn't met someone)
  • IVF
  • adoption
  • surrogacy

I realise for most people the above is hypothetical?

Thank you :)

OP posts:
AbeSaidYes · 28/08/2015 13:53

"but that I wouldn't allow it to take over a decade of my life as some poor couples do - I'd try to deal the cards I'd been dealt and enjoy my time on this earth, however long or short that might be, without obsessing about what I couldn't have"

that is SO easy to say when you haven't had the ecperience though.

FWIW - while I was 'obsessing' about my fertility I was also holding down a job I enjoyed (My work mate says she's amazed I never brought any of my angst into the office) and having fun in other areas of my life. Infertility is a funny thing (Well, no not REALLY) because once a month you are reminded of your inability to get pregnant but the other weeks you live in hope. Also, having treatment isn't always the horrendous experience people assume it to be. Getting the treatment might be the hardest bit but for me the having it was a breeze.

AbeSaidYes · 28/08/2015 13:54

PS - I can only say that because I only had to do it once as I was successful - I have no idea how I would have been had it not worked.

scarlets · 28/08/2015 15:37

Abe - I made it clear in my post that I know how easy it is to speculate when one hadn't been through the experience. You chose not to copy and paste that part though, it seems. Or perhaps, in fairness, you didn't notice it.

I'm genuinely glad you had success btw.

MidniteScribbler · 28/08/2015 16:12

I chose to go down the single parent by choice route. I eventually conceived and then gave birth my son. I would have no problem continuing with IVF for longer if I had not conceived. I would have looked at adoption as my next option if I were not able to conceive myself. Surrogacy would be my last choice, but now that I've had a child, if the circumstances were right, I would actually consider being a surrogate for another person or family.

I agree with Bluestockings35 that we need a single parent by choice board on this site.

Original poster
justwondering2015 · 28/08/2015 16:31

I'd like that.

OP posts:
LobsterQuadrille · 28/08/2015 16:37

I think that's (single parent by choice board) a good idea too. If I'd known how relatively straightforward it would be, I wouldn't have had so much angst about the whole idea when I became a single parent not by choice. And I had a fairly unpleasant situation because my very middle class (or so they probably think) parents basically asked me not to return to the UK because they didn't want to have to explain that their highly respectable daughter was a single parent (it's all fine now, 18 years on).

Original poster
justwondering2015 · 28/08/2015 16:39

It would be very helpful as, as rightly pointed out, lone parents just isn't applicable to us. And other main areas can invite caustic comments.

OP posts:
Katedotness1963 · 28/08/2015 18:34

Adoption? Yes.
Surrogacy? At one time maybe but I've a friend who's been a surrogate a few times and there have been problems.
IVF? We discussed it but weren't in a position to use it at the time.

In reality I had fertility problems (PCOS). My husband was in the military so I could only get treatment if his posting had suitable facilities. They didn't half the time. I had all the tests and started Clomid twice three years apart. In the end I fell pregnant "naturally" after 14 years.

CynthiaRose · 28/08/2015 18:47

Another single parent by choice here and very happy with 3 year old twins.

I know a good facebook group for UK SMCs (private) if any of you want to PM me for details

mabythesea · 28/08/2015 18:50
  • going it alone (if you hadn't met someone)
Definitely, I know a few people who have done this
  • IVF
No
  • adoption
Yes
  • surrogacy
Only if it was a friend/sister. I wouldn't be prepared to buy an impoverished Indian woman's womb for example.
Elsie212 · 28/08/2015 20:46

Worked 72hrs a week for more than a decade.

4 weeks annual leave a year in which I also worked to fund fertility treatment.

Sacrificed updating things such as my car, phone, house etc.

Looked into adoption but got rejected due to my line of work.

Infertility went on for so long in the end we used donor egg & donor sperm.

RufusTheReindeer · 28/08/2015 20:49

None of the above

I eventually got pregnant using clomid but ironically the day we did the pregnancy test we had an appointment at the fertility clinic... We were going to tell them that we didnt want any further treatment

SusanHollander · 28/08/2015 21:03

justwondering I've only read half the thread and will go back for the rest but wanted to tell you that the adoption evenings are designed to sort the wheat from the chaff because (apparently) everybody wants a baby girl. Adoption is most definitely not the easy option, but there are plenty of under 5s. I adopted twice, both under a year old when they came to us, siblings. My other adopter friends between all of them (several couples) adopted a 2 year old, 4 month old, 9 month old, 1 year old x 2 ....I have one set of friends who adopted a five year old by choice only. Another adopter chose to foster them adopt a 7 year old. It's not to say there arent lots of five year I olds plus needing homes, but there are under fives and under twos even out there. It's just that some people want to adopt as an 'easy option' and it's not, it's not like going to the pet shop and picking out a kitten; unfortunately some people do think this way, which is silly, but I've met them so I know they exist.

For me personally IVF was a no for me straight away, adoption a yes, surrogacy a no. Best thing we ever did.

TeenAndTween · 28/08/2015 21:11

I came on to say what SusanHollander just said.

Adoption info evenings almost aim to put you off, so that only people with staying power continue on.

We did IVF with no luck.

We adopted siblings aged 8 and 2, best thing we ever did too.

Original poster
justwondering2015 · 28/08/2015 21:22

We all came out of that evening saying 'no way!'

At the pub later we did discuss it and wonder if there was a surplus of adopters local to me and if they were actively trying to put people off. Either way I've decided I won't be pursuing adoption.

OP posts:
RandomSocks · 28/08/2015 21:33

None of the above.

It had never occurred to me to have children until I met DH, who said, "Of course there will be children."

My response is probably not typical, but that is how it was for me.

TeenAndTween · 28/08/2015 21:41

OP. You could try a neighbouring LA, or an independent agency. We went to one session and didn't 'click' and then later went to another elsewhere and it seemed 'right'.

But adoption is absolutely not for the fainthearted, if it is not for you, then don't pursue it.

MrsLupo · 28/08/2015 22:10

If I hadn't met anyone in time, I would certainly have considered lone parenting and probably adoption (I would probably have fostered first). Once I met my partner, I would actually have been happy to remain child-free, although in fact we were lucky to conceive without difficulty. I would have considered IVF for sex selection purposes if it had been legal here (and affordable for us, which it isn't), but not as an infertility solution - too much of an emotional rollercoaster for me. No to surrogacy, although I might have considered being a surrogate for someone else, provided I wasn't donating my own eggs. Good luck, OP.

NeverNic · 28/08/2015 22:15

Similar to other posters, but not sure I'd have gone it alone (sperm donor) as I wasn't broody before children and it was oh that was keen. That said I was 29 when I had my son. I may have felt very differently had I been 5-10 years older and thought the possibility wasn't there. I would have gone alone if it was an accidental pg or my partner had left me and I wanted the baby. I'm not sure I'd continue a pg with a plan to give my baby up though. On a similar token surrogacy is not for me.

IVF - would be considered but not at the risk of debt. Also pre-children when we decided to try for a baby I didn't have the 'urge' to be related to any offsprings and was very happy considering adoption as our plan b over IVF

jessiepinkman · 28/08/2015 22:26

I've been considering going it alone for sometime. I already have four but split from dh 2 years ago. I'm 35 & feel I have not finished. I'm looking into a Danish sperm bank...

bostonkremekrazy · 28/08/2015 22:39

adoption is not for the fainthearted - we've done it twice.

the early info evenings are meant to put you off, it prevents local gov spending £K on prospective adopters and then you changing your minds....

personally - we tried hard to have a baby as we were very young - early 20s, 10 rounds of IVF and no baby, we went ahead with adoption once the LA decided we had faced our infertility....that was a 12 month wait.

we adopted 2 under 3....lots of pre-schoolers available. newborns NO as it takes months for the paperwork to be completed to free the baby for adoption - but after 6 months there are usually babies available if you don't mind competitive matching - ie going against other couples to be considered for the child.

if you want a newborn look for a local authority that would consider you for foster to adopt....you foster the baby from birth then adopt once everything is in place - but there is always the chance of baby going elsewhere or home to the birth parent so this option is also not for the fainthearted!

after adoption our journey wasn't done - and so went back down the IVF route, and hit the jackpot when our 3rd child came along.....a joy to our family. we are about to embark on baby 4 - adoption again.

as an adopter, and a birth mother - my honest advice is try to have a biological baby while you still can....let there be no regrets. adoption is wonderful, and i love my children - but adoption is not easy, not straight-forward, and not the same as having a biological child. our adopted children are not without trauma and difficulties that other children simply do not have - that is why LAs try to put people off, adoption is forever, it is hard work, constant. i hope that helps.

HopefulHamster · 28/08/2015 22:41

Going it alone) Would have considered for sure, if I felt I could financially cope.
IVF) Have done it - on the NHS and then privately (for second child). It is to use a cliche an emotional rollercoaster, but worth it
Adoption) Not sure. I think just because you're infertile (I mean me, not you here OP) doesn't mean you'll be the right person for children who need so much. I'm not sure I could do it. In any case, I wanted to try for my biological children first (selfishly?) and fortunately it worked out.
Surrogacy) Not for me. I feel pregnancy is too risky to put other women through on my behalf. I wanted to either be pregnant with my child or adopt, not for someone else to experience 'my' pregnancy. Maybe I'm odd :)

Vixxfacee · 28/08/2015 22:52

Can I ask why people wouldn't have ivf?

shrunkenhead · 28/08/2015 23:03

Going it alone? Possibly if I could've afforded it however think you need two patents ideally as parenting is a two person job.
IVF and surrogacy? No, if it's not meant to be then that's that.
Adoption? Would've considered if we couldn't have a child naturally.
We were lucky, dtd in spring and got the Autumn baby we'd planned for Smile

onecurrantbun1 · 28/08/2015 23:12

Don't think I'd have gone it alone, however couldn't say for certain as I have been with DH since I was 18.

I think if I'm being 100% honest if I was worried about my fertility / age I would have prioritised meeting a partner very very highly - actively sought a father for my child iykwim

IVF and adoption - absolutely. Surrogacy, I'm not sure, but I certainly wouldn't have wanred someone I know (a cousin or friend) to be surrogate.